About those truth bombs

[finnaroo]

As I've said about 15 million times, DH suffers from anxiety. Since taking this new position, and simultaneously stopping his meds, it's been running rampant. He has a stressful job and his team isn't performing, which doesn't help matters. His boss and several seasoned peers have all told him that he's doing a good job and has nothing to worry about, but he can't hear logic or reason when he's like this. He's burning a candle at both ends and he knows that he can't sustain it.

Yesterday, he told me that he can't handle stress of any sort and wants to go back to waiting tables because he never felt professional stress in that role. He was a server when we met fresh out of college almost 9 years ago. He only did it that summer and I think he's glossed over how hard it was, not to mention how underpaid.

He also said that he realized that wasn't fair to me and didn't blame me if I left, as a result. Our wedding anniversary is this Saturday. Awesome timing, dude.

I made him an appointment with a psychiatrist and a counselor immediately afterwards. I was trying to make it for marriage counseling but since he has GAD, they wanted to see him first.

When I told him about the appointment, he changed his tune and started back pedaling. I'm trying to get him help and also help myself gain tools to not resent him when I start over with grad school and go back to work. It's hard. It's really hard, actually. I do have some anger about the situation and the fact that I had a position waiting for me and I gave it up to move down here for him, only for him to be like, "Nope!"

So, anyway, that's what I'm up against. I have no idea how to help him and the more he resists and refuses to seek or accept help, I think the worse the outlook.

[88sharonlee]

Oh Finn that's so crappy. I hate to hear that he knows something is 'unfair to you' but instead of not doing it he just says 'so therefor you can leave if you want to' that's shitty.

If he knows he has GAD why is he refusing to take meds or get help?

Sounds like your doing the right thing by being proactive and getting help for both of you- at least one of you is willing to fight to make it work, hopefully he gets in board with your help.

Can he find another job or position at work? Or is that really not the issue and he'd be unhappy anywhere at this point?

[JoeLies]

I have no helpful words, just huge hugs. I hope your DH goes to his appointment and can start sorting things out and I hope you can get to couples therapy because you should have the opportunity to work through your own anger. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

[leopardgurl831]

finnaroo I hope he keeps those appointments and things get better.

We moved so DH could be the bread winner and I know if he ever thought of leaving his job I would not be staying here.

[kim22]

I'm sorry Finn that sucks. I hope he will accept help.

[estrellas]

I hope the therapist stuff goes well. It can be hard to take that step, but knowing you're in his corner, maybe he'll fight rather than give up.

[finnaroo]

88sharonlee I'm not sure why he stopped his meds. They were giving him sexual side effects which he didn't enjoy, but he just quit taking them one day and didn't tell anyone.

The company paid a lot of money for us to relocate. If he's in his role for less than a year, we have to pay it all back. He could transfer within the company, but not without another big move and not until October. I think he's just one of those the grass is always greener types. My fear is that we will essentially switch roles and this will be too much for him, too, then I'll really be doing everything.

ETA: typo. I'm super smart. 4 realz.

[mishkaroni]

I'm sorry Finn. Dealing with those with GAD is never fun or easy. We are a pain in the ass and can be self destructive. He really needs to suck it up and do the counseling. They can try out different methods or just find one who specializes specifically with anxiety. I dealt with one and instead of meds we worked on coping techniques.

Big hugs

[kfran84]

I'm so sorry, Finn. As someone who also struggles with anxiety, I can empathize with your H's failure to see logic. I can even tell people that I know that logically everything is okay, but I feel like I'm being crushed. Professional stress sucks big time too because you feel like it is something you can change or run away from. I hope that he gets the help he needs in therapy to make constructive changes that help him. Maybe if he can at least set some goals to make it to October and then post out for a less demanding role... that's the kind of thing that would be helpful to me, but planning and list-making are part of my coping with anxiety, and maybe not so much for him.

Either way, hugs to you.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you're going through this! You are an amazing wife for trying to get him help and making the appointments. No real advice, but I hope he accepts the help and goes to counseling.

[bostonmama1978]

So sorry about your situation. I've had bouts if GAD in the past and it sucks.

Were things better when he was on meds? If so, I hope he gets back there soon.

I want to say that maybe it's the anxiety talking, but that's only half of it. That may be the case but that doesn't change the fact that you were impacted by what he said. I hope you guys can work through this and get to a better place.

Hang in there.

[finnaroo]

To me, yes he was better on the meds. He claims otherwise. He gets anxiety about taking medication though. He also has ulcerative colitis and is going to be on medication for the duration of his life. I think he's afraid of a drug interaction or something along those lines. His mom is very anti-meds of any sort and is in his ear with a lot of that, which isn't helpful.

Before we moved, his psychiatrist wanted to do meds for 6 months while he was going to counseling and learning coping techniques. He went to 3 counseling sessions, never learned coping, and then quit the meds because he hit the timeline benchmark.

I don't blame him for having GAD, but it's hard to be sympathetic when he wont get help for it.

[klongoria11]

*HUGS* GAD and UC both suck balls. I hope he goes to his appointment and can get some help.

[karadee]

I can sympathize with this situation, and I am sorry you two are going through this. I have had anxiety my entire life, and it wasn't until I saw the therapist that things really started to turn around for me.

I don't want to assume what his situation is like, but I can share that for me I had no way to grasp just how much my anxiety affected my life and my loved ones until I was able to see the light through the fog. That fog of anxiety is powerful, and all-consuming. I used to convince myself that having anxiety (being hyper-vigilant, as I used to consider it) was better than being "normal". But, it's hard to see through the fog that life without it is better.

I went through what is called cognitive behavioral therapy, and it is very helpful for learning how to overcome anxiety in everyday situations. I was not on medication at that time, though if the therapy was not working well for me after a certain period of time, I would have been referred to someone who would give me medication.

I was on medication for PPA and it helped me get through a difficult time, back to being able to use my coping techniques.

It was very hard for me to admit that I needed help, and it made me feel like a failure. I could see, in retrospect, how difficult it was on my husband. I hope sharing my perspective helps. I feel like, by what I understand, continuing to encourage him to at least talk to a professional would help. Maybe thinking of the therapy process in different, smaller steps would help him - first: talking; second: the coping techniques; third: medication options, if needed.

[LizInFL]

So sorry you guys are having to deal with this. I hope your H keeps the appointments and begins working towards improving his condition, whether that's meds, coping skills/therapy, or a combination. I can definitely understand your feelings of worry and resentment, too...it's scary that he's the primary breadwinner right now and is talking about quitting it all to wait tables.

My DH and I have had discussions about this...how sometimes people say things and then later will come back with, "I didn't mean it"...my feeling is that there is a least a grain of truth that impels the person to make the comment to begin with. Despite your H's trying to downplay things, I think you're right to be worried/concerned, and I don't blame you for being resentful. I think you're smart to be proactive (as much as you can be, anyway). Hugs to you as y'all try and work through this.

[rebeccag428]

I have no real advice but I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[kamakaziartist]

I'm so sorry finn.

[pinkaliphant]

No real advice here but I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope your husband sees that he needs to be proactive and follow through with a treatment plan whatever that may be. Hugs!!!! Keep us updated.

[cagoldi]

I'm thinking along the same lines as @sing2phins. This is a pattern and neither of you can have any clarity about the situation when he is refusing to accept help. It's not not as though he doesn't recognize there is a problem, he does, he just isn't taking the steps necessary to get control of the situation. I don't usually like ultimatums but I don't know what choice you have. This puts you in an impossible position, and he has to know how high the stakes are if he continues to reject any measures that could improve this.

[tallblonde]

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this and I hope your husband gets some perspective and gets the medicine and therapy needed.

DH and I met waiting tables, and it is not a no-stress job. If anything, that job has helped us manage the stress of our current careers. When you are in the weeds at a restaurant, it is mentally and physically exhausting labor. It sounds like he is nostalgic for college summers, which I am too sometimes, but that's when we were earning beer money and didn't have to be an adult.

I hope things turn around and I'm so sorry you are in this unfair situation.

[Cherhorowitz]

Oh, Finn, I'm so sorry.

I can somewhat relate. My H is a "grass is always greener" type of guy. He changed careers a few years ago and every so often he will romanticize what it was like when he worked in finance and say he should go back. Finance was not this awesome experience like he remembers. Threatening to go back causes me all types of anxiety and I have to talk him off the ledge every 6 months or so. It sucks. I get it.

I think he needs to go to therapy and you both need to go to therapy together. Saying he would understand if you left and refusing to go to therapy is heartbreaking. I really don't have advice for you. I have sympathy and hugs and I'm here if you want to talk.

[trtlcrzy]

Sorry love. I hope your DH goes to his appts and can get a handle on this. I don't have any advice, just hugs.

[kimmycup]

I'm so sorry finn. I have no advice, but *hugs* I really hope he goes to his appointments. Please keep us updated.

[xolastunicornxo]

I have no advice to give, but I'm sending lot's of hugs. That's a really hard situation and I give you a lot of credit for trying to get him help. After my first son was born and I was a SAHM I decided to go back to waiting tables a few nights a week for some "quick and easy" money to help out. I forgot what a stressful and thankless job it can be. It sounds like he really needs to go talk to someone and get back on some kind of medication. I hope he sees how lucky he is to have you, I think you are sticking by him through a lot.

[wineallthetime]

No advice, but many positive thoughts going your way. What a stressful and hard situation. Anxiety can be so debilitating, especially without speaking help.

[ke2009]

No advice, just big hugs. I'm here if you'd ever like to talk. My DH has some anxiety issues as well and there are days (like today) I just want to tie him down and knock him out--he gets himself so worked up it makes me anxious.

[shelbster]

Aw man, this sucks to hear. No real advice, just wanted to give you hugs! Your hubby is a lucky guy to have you advocating for him and hopefully he gets the help he needs!

[finnaroo]

Thank you all for your support, insight, and advice. We haven't had a good talk yet and I desperately want to. Hopefully tonight we can.

@sing2phins and cagoldi I'm kind of there with you. He doesn't do well with ultimatums but I can't stay and resent him for all eternity either. If he isn't willing to work on this, knowing what he's asking if me, I think that would be really selfish.

[JEMandtheHolograms]

Wishing you and your DH strength while you process everything. So very sorry- I hope he talks to a professional. Hugs