Help Me Tell My Story **Trigger Warning- Loss Mentioned**

[akraus2015]

Okay I know I should probably be posting this on CAL, but I'm still not 100% comfortable there yet, and I feel like this is still my home. I really hope it's okay to speak/ask about my loss here.

I finally feel like I'm to a point where I don't want to break down and cry every time someone asks about my pregnancy. I am finding that I appreciate a chance to talk about Emmett when someone asks, but I don't know how to tell our story.

Today someone asked me how many children I had. It totally threw me (I wasn't expecting the question), so I spoke before thinking and said "We just have one...um, had one...we lost him last month at 13 weeks...his name is Emmett."

This, understandably, led the other person to believe that we lost a living child at 13 weeks, not a pregnancy. So, an incredibly awkward conversation ensued in which the other person asked me what I loved most about my son and I mumbled something about a miscarriage and how we believe that life begins at conception and that my son will always be part of our family and we will love him forever and that I'm still learning how to talk about it, and then a hugely awkward silence.

So...my question is: "How do you explain your loss, while avoiding awkward conversations like the one above, but also while honoring your child and not minimizing the impact he/she has on your life?" I really do appreciate any suggestions.

TL;DR: I don't know how to talk about the loss of my son without confusing people or making awkward conversations.

[beckynsean11]

I'm so sorry for your loss & for the awkward feeling. It all depends on my mood & state of mind. I've started answering, "I have no living children." Sometimes I add, "I've lost 3." I have a friend that responds, "I have 2 angels." It comes down to figuring out what your comfort level is. It's not about making the other person comfortable; letting go of that concern was hard for me but made a big difference. When people asked if I had children, I used to answer, "No." & that made me feel fucking awful. I felt like a total fraud. I needed to be able to answer truthfully & not deny the existence of my children. You'll figure out what works for you, it just takes time. Go easy on yourself. Hugs!

[akraus2015]

Sept 8, 2015 21:06:58 GMT -5 beckynsean11 said:

I'm so sorry for your loss & for the awkward feeling. It all depends on my mood & state of mind. I've started answering, "I have no living children." Sometimes I add, "I've lost 3." I have a friend that responds, "I have 2 angels." It comes down to figuring out what your comfort level is. It's not about making the other person comfortable; letting go of that concern was hard for me but made a big difference. When people asked if I had children, I used to answer, "No." & that made me feel fucking awful. I felt like a total fraud. I needed to be able to answer truthfully & not deny the existence of my children. You'll figure out what works for you, it just takes time. Go easy on yourself. Hugs!

Thank you for sharing.  Nothing quite sounds comfortable or right to met yet, although it is somewhat comforting to say "I have one angel."  Maybe I'll try that out.

[akraus2015]

Sept 8, 2015 21:25:17 GMT -5 @sarahwithanh said:

+1 to it takes time. As time goes on you will find what feels right. I have moments where I have complete clarity on how to speak about my baby, but other times everything feels wrong. I have been so open on social media and in person that most people know. I usually say "I had a miscarriage" or "I should have a newborn" or "I should be on maternity leave". Obviously that is a sad way of saying it, but sometimes that is what feels right. All the hugs as talking about your baby who died is just hard.

I have been pretty open about it as well, so the questions are mostly coming from strangers.  I have found a lot of comfort becoming involved with pregnancy and infant loss awareness and advocacy.  It seems to be the largest club no one wants to be a part of. 

[peaseblossom55]

This loss is still pretty fresh so I haven't been asked too many questions so far. At any chance I get though I will tell any one about her, her story, what she looked like and how much we all loved her. I guess it's important for me to not forget her and let people know her story. She will always be my first, and I will keep her memory alive as much as possible.

[onesweetworld]

So much love to all of you and your angel babies!

[babyzebra]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I often have a difficult time with this question from people too.

**LC warning**

What I often say is that I have one son, but have had 3 pregnancies. I really don't like that answer because I feel like I have more than 1 child, but it's the least awkward for everyone. I honestly just try to change the subject ASAP.

Answering this question has gotten much easier with time though. I wish you healing and peace.

[akraus2015]

Sept 9, 2015 9:00:30 GMT -5 babyzebra said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I often have a difficult time with this question from people too.

**LC warning**

What I often say is that I have one son, but have had 3 pregnancies. I really don't like that answer because I feel like I have more than 1 child, but it's the least awkward for everyone. I honestly just try to change the subject ASAP.

Answering this question has gotten much easier with time though. I wish you healing and peace.

Thank you for sharing. I know it will take time. I'll get there eventually!

[beckynsean11]

I also wanted to mention that there's absolutely nothing wrong with posting this here over CAL. Some women feel more at home there after a loss, some here. It's all gravy.

[notagoddess]

I'm so sorry about your loss. I've been there and this is how this played out for me. Obviously it's a very personal reaction, so I'm not saying this is a natural progression or anything, just how I dealt with this.

For the first few months after my loss, I felt a strong need to tell people about my child. I did not want to deny my daughter's existence. If strangers or acquaintances asked me if I had kids, I told them that I was pregnant with a baby girl and recently experienced a loss. It was guaranteed to make the conversation awkward, but I did not care. It felt wrong to say no, I had no children, when I loved my baby so much.

Over time I've stopped doing this. The "do you have kids" question is small talk. I've likened it to the cashier asking me about my day. Even if it's awful, I'm still going to say "fine" or "good." I've found that my interactions with strangers were not a test of my love for my baby. So I'll say no, no kids yet. It hurts, of course, but I don't feel like that interaction takes away from the real love I have for that child.

[Deleted]

It depends how likely I am to cry when answering and what situation I am in. If I just want to get out of there, I say none living. If it's someone I don't mind talking to or risking crying in front of, I will say that I've tried but have had several losses and no living children. I'm not religious, so calling them angels isn't my style, even though sometimes I wish there were a secular equivalent to make it easier to express.

But yeah, it's all about how comfortable I am in the specific situation and how sensitive I am that day. It took a lot of seeing what did and didn't work for me before I was able to really field such questions with minimal damage to my emotional state.

Good luck, and I hope you find what is comfortable for you.