Dear Pru: Should I use donor sperm without MH's Knowledge?

[aprilz81]

The wife is a piece of work to even consider hiding that from her husband.

That being said I think the doctor is wrong. A DNA test would provide the child with any answers he/she would want and even if they didn't mix the sperm most donor are anonymous with limited background anyway.  Not to mention that if the couple had sex before and/or after the IUI the husband's sperm would have an "equal" chance so to speak.

I say find a new doctor but keep the husband in the loop.

[goldenlove3]

Wow.. the fact that she even thinks she can hide something so big from her husband and potential child for the rest of their lives is crazy. There's no way.

[notagoddess]

Whoa. Holy shit.

Good job shaking things up on here today, @pineappleoranges.

[mrsjene]

Is she on BabyCenter?

[♪♫choppinbroccoli♫♪]

A+ response from Prudence, I think.

I don't understand why "finding a new doctor" would be of any use. With my current understanding of this type of situation (which is not much), I support what the doctor is saying.

[kawaiikitsune]

I am utterly flabbergasted that a wife would even consider something like that. I 100% agree with Prudence's response.

[samanthasays]

Sept 14, 2015 13:00:26 GMT -5 @pineappleoranges said:

Sept 14, 2015 12:58:37 GMT -5 aprilz81 said:

The wife is a piece of work to even consider hiding that from her husband.

That being said I think the doctor is wrong. A DNA test would provide the child with any answers he/she would want and even if they didn't mix the sperm most donor are anonymous with limited background anyway.

I say find a new doctor but keep the husband in the loop.

That's kinda my thing too. I can understand if the doctor felt the husband sperm mixing into the sample would've decreased the chances but I couldn't see using donor sperm without my H's knowledge.

I kind of understand Prudences response from RESOLVE, it really does seem like a sign that they have not accepted IF yet. With IF and donor sperm I can see how you need to 100% accept that as your reality before moving forward. IF sucks and makes people crazy, I feel for the couple, but they do not seem emotionally ready to move forward with ART. 

[requiressnacks]

This wife is bat shit crazy.

[♪♫choppinbroccoli♫♪]

Sept 14, 2015 13:10:27 GMT -5 @pineappleoranges said:

Sept 14, 2015 13:05:27 GMT -5 ♪♫choppinbroccoli♫♪ said:

A+ response from Prudence, I think.

I don't understand why "finding a new doctor" would be of any use. With my current understanding of this type of situation (which is not much), I support what the doctor is saying.

If mixing the sample is of no harm to their chances I don't understand why the doctor would. After ten years and hearing that the problem is him, I think anything that would make the process easier should be done.

I know there is no guarantee that the father won't request a DNA test later on but there is also a chance that he won't. I think the woman is BS but I sympathize with the man.

Here's where I am: Agree that the wife BS, and I do also sympathize with the man. However, I echo that it seems like he (not sure about her) has not accepted what their situation is.


If the child has a way of knowing 100% what his/her medical history is, then that part of it doesn't bother me too much. I'm still thinking about all of this, so I'm not really decided on exactly what I think. LOL.

[k3am]

This is the same woman who, 10 years down the road when she's having martial disputes, would question why her husband thinks she had an affair and a child outside of the marriage.

[butlerfan]

WTAF.....Why would she even be considering this avenue of going behind his back. I can't even.

[kawaiikitsune]

Even if mixing the sperm wouldn't effect the insemination, I feel it is good that the doctor refused. The husband may think right now that "not knowing" is easier, but that doesn't mean later down the road, he would feel the same. IMO, I feel like that could cause much more emotional pain in the years to come. I fully agree that neither of them have come to terms and accepted their situation. I feel for the husband but I really think that it is in his best interest that the sperm not be mixed.

Eta - b - Man, it has been a long time since I have thought about that train-wreck of a thread.

[mcktymck]

I agree with you kawaiikitsune. Instead of knowing 100% who the father is, he would always wonder if it was his sperm or the donated sperm, and I think that would cause more harm than good.

And the wife sounds like a sneaky bitch for even suggesting doing something like going behind her husband's back. I can understand feeling desperate and wanting a baby, but there are better ways to go about the whole situation.

[Andrea]

Sigh. I am off collecting my eyeballs, they have rolled off of my head.


They are definitely not ready for ART.

[bunnyfungo]

Sept 14, 2015 13:18:55 GMT -5 b said:

Am I the only one reminded of PamelaSlammala and her quest for a 'stud' to up her chances to conceive?

OMG. I had forgotten about that.

[ghostmonkey]

Sept 14, 2015 13:18:55 GMT -5 b said:

Am I the only one reminded of PamelaSlammala and her quest for a 'stud' to up her chances to conceive?

Oh PammySlammy. 

We were buds.

[housecarder]

Didn't Rachel Berry's fathers do the mixing thing on Glee?

[samanthasays]

Sept 14, 2015 23:01:42 GMT -5 housecarder said:

Didn't Rachel Berry's fathers do the mixing thing on Glee?

I think so. I think emotionally it is different for same sex couples, because you are essentially just adding spontaneity to the conception, letting chance decide who the bio dad will be, not having to make the decision yourselves. It is clear the man in the article would choose to be the biological father of his children, but that has a low likelihood of happening. He needs to accept where they are at and their need for ART before going through with it. 

Another thing with SS couples is they have a 3rd party egg (or sperm) donor. So those couples are (hopefully) more emotionally on board with parenting a child that is not genetically a mix of them. It sounds like this guy is not ready to let that dream go. 

[k3am]

Sept 14, 2015 22:50:10 GMT -5 @nevertoomanyshoes said:

How does one even find out that they can use donor sperm without their husband's knowledge?

How does she intend to explain where the money went and other things like any insurance "paper trail" or medications she has to take?

My husband has no idea what I spend money on. None. He would notice if multiple credit cards started getting declined, but I don't think he even knows the log-in information for our bank account. 

She may not need to take any medications if their IF issues are solely his, and even if she did, they can easily be explained away. 

[aprilz81]

I have no first hand experience with this so I could be way off base here... I thought I read/heard somewhere that couples using ART were encouraged to have sex following the procedure (barring a health issue that would cause more harm) so that they were more connected to the process and to make it less clinical feeling? Is that old information?

[NariaDreaming]

Sept 15, 2015 10:52:09 GMT -5 aprilz81 said:

I have no first hand experience with this so I could be way off base here... I thought I read/heard somewhere that couples using ART were encouraged to have sex following the procedure (barring a health issue that would cause more harm) so that they were more connected to the process and to make it less clinical feeling? Is that old information?

Depends on what procedure.

IUI, yes the current recommendation is sex 48 hours before trigger (as long as there is no MFI) and then the day after. Not only does it make a couple "more connected" to the process, but it's also a bit of an insurance policy in case the woman ovulates earlier or later than expected with the trigger.


IVF- no. Most doctors still keep women on pelvic rest from retrieval until either a heartbeat is seen or negative beta.