How to make the decision to TTA for a while?

[notagoddess]

Today I heard that I got a second interview for a job I applied for a while ago. Considering they are hiring for 2 positions, there's a real possibility that I may get the job. It's a great opportunity, but it would cause a lot of upheaval in my life. Logically, I should put TTC on hold for a while if I were to get it, but I don't know how to make the decision.

The job is out-of-state. I could commute 2 hours plus each way for a while, but ultimately it would mean moving. MH would then have the long commute until he found a new position. I am also doing school, which is online (so flexible) but a lot of work. I would try to finish this semester out and then take one class at a time while working full-time. The whole thing would be stressful. I'm not great with change, and that's a lot at once.

So with all that, I can't see how TTC would be responsible. I want to be able to take care of myself while pregnant and not subject myself to excessively stressful situations. It would be difficult to make doctor's appointments with the long commute. If I miscarried again with the new job it would be hard to explain time off. And even with no complications, I don't think I would be eligible for job protection/maternity leave before a year.

On the other hand, I feel like stopping TTC is kind of dumb, because it's so hard to plan for this type of stuff. We started TTC over a year ago and who knows how long it will take at this point. I desperately want a baby, and it's hard to wrap my head around trying to prevent a pregnancy after doing everything in my power to conceive.

Has anyone here decided to stop TTC after trying for a while, because of external circumstances? How did you make the decision? Was it a head vs. heart thing, or were you all in? Was it emotionally painful to TTA?

Sorry for the long post. This is weighing heavily on my mind. I'm less than excited about the interview, though the job itself is exactly what I want to do.

[pinkcat]

I know it's easier said than done, but I think maybe you should put the worry regarding TTC on the back burner right now. Do the 2nd interview, enjoy the process, and if you get hired- great! You can then make a decision regarding TTA/TTC once you have had a chance to find out all the details about the job. If you don't get the job- then you'll have saved yourself a lot of unnecessary worry.

Good luck at the 2nd interview!

[easilyunamused]

Ultimately the decision is up to you and YH. What does he say?

With all that will be going on in your lives soon, if it was me, I'd most likely NTNP for awhile until there was a routine I was used to and felt comfortable throwing a baby in the mix.

good luck on the interview! Hopefully you can come to a decision you feel good about.

[twobananas]

I've never been in this situation, but just wanted to say I hope you are able to be at peace with whatever decision you make!

In general, I tend to take the attitude that I'd rather plan (well, as much as I can plan) my family life and let everything else follow, but I'm friends with many people who take the opposite approach and plan kids around work/life situations, and I totally get that side as well.

Good luck on your interview, that's great!

[ironbaby]

Our situations aren't exactly the same, but we are dealing with a lot of frustration with H's job, and I have considered TTA in *case* he switches jobs (which would mean an insurance change for us). We TTA for a month, but ultimately I felt so uncomfortable with the choice.

I believe you will know in your heart what the right decision is. The only friend IRL who knows we are TTC pulled me aside and gave me a stern talking to about how we really cannot control every outcome and continuing to wait for life to be perfect and settled would do us no favors. I am not saying you need that particular advice, but it helped remind me that I can't wait for everything.

Whatever you choose, I hope it sits right with your heart. I agree with PPs, though, that I wouldn't focus too much on it until the job offer has been made.

[notagoddess]

pinkcat, ironbaby, I agree it's premature to worry before I get an offer. I will do my best to prepare for the interview and continue TTC until I hear the final decision.

My heart is very much set on TTC. I actually had a sinking feeling when I heard about the 2nd interview. It's the type of position that would make my career, though. I'm not going to turn it down.

[notagoddess]

@pineappleoranges, I think he wouldn't want to seriously discuss the implications for TTC until I had an offer. I would imagine he would let me decide and be supportive either way.

[wannabmama]

I feel your frustration. I really want to change jobs but any major upheaval would be hard for us with TTC. However, times ticking for both my career and my family dreams. I am just going full steam forward in all areas and hoping it all shakes out in a manageable way one way or another!
I can't plan my next career move or what the opportunity even would be with precision any more than I can plan when/if I'll get KU, so I'm just doing the best I can to make whatever happens, work.
I'm "old" so there's a lot of pressure from that to try and be an adult in my career but my chances for baby are always dimming too. It's a lot of pressure. I think sort of letting go of the idea that I can control the outcome helps. Of course I can do things to make the best decision with the info I have, but at the end of the day it's all a leap of faith.
I will say we have slowed our move to medical assistance while we figure out what to do, but we still plan to do iui before the year is out regardless.
I wish you and YH good thoughts in making the decision if you get the job!

[pismoduo]

I agree with easilyunamused's suggestion - I would go NTNP for a while until the routine was set, then actively try again. But since we're at the year of actively trying (plus six months of "well, I haven't had a post BC period yet..."), I wouldn't be comfortable putting us at TTA status.

Whatever you decide, good luck. And FX for your second interview!

[Ray]

We put TTC on hold and although our reasons are perfectly logical and make sense I still had a really hard time with it at first, still do/get exasperated with the waiting some months. That being said, I try to concentrate on why we are TTA and how ultimately I'm making a better life for future kids.

I agree with PP - its really something you've got to discuss with YH and figure out what you are most comfortable with.

NTNP is also an option

[Deleted]

Sept 16, 2015 11:30:22 GMT -5 pismoduo said:

I agree with easilyunamused's suggestion - I would go NTNP for a while until the routine was set, then actively try again. But since we're at the year of actively trying (plus six months of "well, I haven't had a post BC period yet..."), I wouldn't be comfortable putting us at TTA status.

Whatever you decide, good luck. And FX for your second interview!

This is the boat i'm in. We are moving next weekend and I am starting to put out resumes. I'm still temping to track my cycles (knowing when to expect your period is nice) but I stopped using OPKs. With MH only being home on the weekend for the past month (in addition to the fast approaching shared space situation with MIL), I decided if we miss the FW i'm not going to stress about it because there is nothing I can do to change it.

notagoddess - After a year of TTC, this is what I feel most comfortable doing. However, like PPs have said it is ultimately up to you and YH to do what you feel most comfortable with.

[notagoddess]

I'm curious what NTNP would look like for us. My cycles are fairly predictable-- about 26-31 days with at least a few days of fertile CM before O. So I would still know when I'm fertile. Then the decision to have sex or not would feel like deciding between TTC/TTA on a daily basis.

[penguin129]

I'd wait and see what happens with the interview before deciding like pp's have said. As far as what ntnp looks like I think it differs from person to person. For me I won't temp or use opks. I have to internally check for cm so I just won't do that. I may track when we BD but I won't let the calendar determine when we do, just our moods.

[rungirlrun]

First of all, congrats on the 2nd interview!

This is such a tough situation because there are so many unknowns. If doing all of the active TTC stuff stresses you out, I'd NTNP (just have sex whenever you feel like it and not even track what day you're on so maybe you won't actually know if you are fertile - I know that's easier said than done). But I try not to let life get in the way of TTC. If I want and am ready for a baby, almost nothing will stop me from TTC. If I get pregnant at a time that's not super ideal, I would figure it out when the time came. And while it may add some stresses, I'd be pregnant and that would trump everything else.

Best of luck with your decision. Only you and your husband know what the best choice is so I'm sure you'll do what's right for you guys.

[katelou]

I'm mostly a lurker, but you might want to consider the new company's leave policies. Many women rely on FMLA's 12 week unpaid leave for maternity leave because their employers don't have a specific maternity leave policy. But you don't qualify for FMLA until you've been at a new employer for 12 months.

Just a thought. Good luck.

[babycowbell]

I stopped TTC after three cycles so that I could take a new job. I hadn't been trying for very long so I still assumed I could just take a nine month break and resume trying and it would be no big deal. Fast forward to now, and I've been at the new job for 2 1/2 years and still no baby. I think to myself all the time how glad I am I took the new job because I hated my old job and was planning to just never come back after having a baby when we first started trying. If I'd stayed in order to have a baby, I'd probably still be in my same TTC situation but with a job I hate. So, that's not exactly your situation obviously and who knows what might have happened if I'd stayed, but I personally don't regret my TTA phase when the new job started but that's totally dependent on individual situation and I didn't have to move for my job so much less dramatic.

Good luck with the second interview. I hope you get a good sense then of what the best choice is for you guys!

[mill23]

I don't have much advice, but I wanted to say congratulations on the 2nd interview. I would echo what PPs have said that trusting what feels right in your gut is the way to go. Maybe after the second interview you will have a better sense of what you want.

[notagoddess]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm going to keep an open mind and not make any decisions until I get an offer. I just felt overwhelmed with negative feelings after hearing about the interview yesterday morning. My brain was like, what about having that baby?!!? I feel more distance from those feelings today, and more excitement about the opportunity.

If I were to get the job, I would not be eligible for maternity leave for 12 months. However, I'm guessing they would keep the position for me. It's at a university so the hiring process for someone new would take more than 3 months.

I think I would TTA or NTNP for 3-4 months if I ended up getting and taking the position. The stress of the new position, finishing the semester, and moving would be made worse by the constant thoughts of, can I handle this while pregnant.

[babyzebra]

notagoddess I've been meaning to respond to this post since I'm in a pretty similar situation. I'm glad you're keeping an open mind and not making any decisions until you get an offer.

I've been through 2 losses this year and a huge job change and big move. I've been really reluctant to TTC both because of the losses, but also because of all the changes in my life. I think I'm finally to the point where both my heart and my brain are saying "I want a baby" and that's really how I've known that we should start TTC in the next couple months.

As far as the TTA vs NTNP thing - it's more semantics to me and both look much more like TTA for me because my cycles are fairly consistent. Sometimes I feel better when I say we are NTNP than TTA though.

Good luck with your interview and deciding what is right for you!

[TheEleventhHour]

At the end of the day every couple is different and it is ultimately up to you. However, we are TTA for the next 6-12 months due to external circumstances (recently moved, I need to get settled in a new job, etc). For us we want to be in a more secure position before adding to our family. We initially thought we'd be TTC within the next month but we have decided to push it out again to meet some financial and career goals first. Even when we meet those goals it might not still feel like the "perfect" time to TTC but we will definitely feel more stable/comfortable.

Good luck with your interview!!!