SO check in

[mathistm]

We haven't had one of these in awhile (or sorry if I missed it!).

My DH is really struggling right now and I'm starting to wonder if he is dealing with some postpartum stuff of his own. I would love some input.
He told me recently that he is having a tough time bonding with Lo and that he loves her and would do anything for her and to protect her but he feels frustrated by her a lot. I tried to explain that she is not even 3 months yet (not until the 27th) and he's not going to bond with her as quickly as I have but as long as he's trying that's what counts. This is a text I got from him this morning and it breaks my heart:
"Just when I felt like I was coming into balance with having to work everyday and no longer being in college we brought her into this world and everything got flipped upside down again. Everything we and I used to do that made me happy and kept me centered we can't do anymore because we had this child and none of it's her fault. It's an extremely selfish attitude and I guess I need to find out how to cope in a healthy manner. Everyone says "Oh having a kid is 95% shit and 5% good stuff, but the good times are so good they totally make up for it!" And I don't get that. The 5% good is completely and utterly washed out by the shit."
I guess we are struggling with striking a balance (still). How are you all doing?

[ashbash]

First, I want to applaud your H for communicating about it. I think it really can hurt a marriage when they dont speak up and let thing stew.

Second, the first year is HARD, especially the first 6 months. They (the baby) needs, needs, needs but there isnt a lot of giving back yet. Slowly as they start to play more and communicate it gets so fun! Reassure your H that its normal to feel that way and with time it will get better. In the meantime having him and LO have one on one time will help them find their own "thing" and bond. And making sure that he can do some of his pre baby life fun stuff too is important, even if its a lesser version. If it used to be late night card games and drinking with the guys maybe now its just happy hour or and afternoon card game.

Good luck, this whole making and raising a human being thing is tough!

[Bluedaisy]

I second what both of the other ladies have said: points to him for communicating, this is very hard and helping him to find ways to do the things he used to will help.

Also letting him know that things will get easier and that he's doing good so far might help.

My DH is doing great with baby generally and has been helping more and more. I am getting better at letting him and making sure not to try hide it when I need help. I need to remember that we are a team and I'm not failing if I need his help.

[billyhorrible]

So much of what ashbash said. Some of this isn't just your husband. Some people LOVE babies, but many others find it hard to deal with the infant stage, where they're less responsive. Your husband sounds like he falls in the latter group. Which is fine, they're babies for such a short period anyway. He will probably find it much easier to bond with her when she gets a little older and can do things other than eat and sleep and stare at bright colors.

It sounds like the bigger issue is he's feeling a little trapped and overwhelmed. It's not just the bonding. I'm not suggesting he needs to go to Vegas every week, but everyone could probably benefit from some healthy "me" time (you should be getting this too! Whether that's an hour at the gym, or grabbing a beer with some friends after work (not every night, obviously). He needs to have something that helps him feel balanced.

[baytosa2013]

Yup we are right there with the having issues thing. Dh is great with the baby, totally bonding, etc but he suddenly is very unhappy at work. He's applying for another position today that would end up taking us back to CA and it will NOT be a good move financially if he's offered it and we need to have a serious sit down about this. He's using family, more opportunity, etc as "reasons" when I think he really just doesn't like his boss. He's going to make me be the bad guy and say no. I know he feels like life is just SO different now. We used to be a great team and it's slowly changing. I see the little things starting to add up.

[Flick]

SO decided that today was the day he wanted to die. He calls me after work while the baby's crying, then gets mad when I don't pick up, then gets shitty about the crying from the baby. Like dude wtf do you want from me? YOU called me, not the other way around. That's like me calling you in the middle of a concert to talk and then bitching about how loud the music is.

SO seems to be struggling with the hard part of parenting. Anything other than happy baby giggles and laughs gets him frustrated. He isn't learning how to be patient.

[hannahl201477]

DH has been so great and helpful with him this whole time. But lately at night LO only wants me isn't it a little soon for the clingy stage??

[Deleted]

mathistm, i just wanted to lend you support and also let you know that what your DH is going through is completely normal. My DH really struggled with the newborn stage with both our kids and went through a depressed stage just trying to get used to 'the new normal' in our lives. i guess the best advice i have is to be supportive and to keep the conversation going. its a great sign that he is comfortable enough with you that he is expressing himself. it shows that he is aware of how he is feeling instead of him just acting out and keeping you guessing what is wrong.

[mathistm]

Thanks for the support ladies. We had a good chat tonight and put a lot of things on the table and tried to problem solve a bit. We are about to make a pretty scary move from NY to OH and start new jobs-a lot of change at once and we both really needed to process everything and haven't been because we are both losing our minds with the logistics of making everything happen. It's funny that sometimes just talking about being a team and conquering things together instead of viewing each other as the enemy does the trick. Perspective is everything.

[baileybaileybne]

Sept 21, 2015 15:33:41 GMT -5 hannahl201477 said:

DH has been so great and helpful with him this whole time. But lately at night LO only wants me isn't it a little soon for the clingy stage??

Probs not the best thread to ask this: hearing how awesome and super helpful your SO is didn't make me feel any better, not sure about the OP... I'm tired and short-tempered today so maybe it's just me?

Glad the chat helped OP. I need to take a leaf out of your book and put my thoughts on the table rather than just keeping on going but feeling unsupported with some things.

[Bluedaisy]

Sept 21, 2015 17:57:42 GMT -5 baileybaileybne said:

Sept 21, 2015 15:33:41 GMT -5 hannahl201477 said:

DH has been so great and helpful with him this whole time. But lately at night LO only wants me isn't it a little soon for the clingy stage??

Probs not the best thread to ask this: hearing how awesome and super helpful your SO is didn't make me feel any better, not sure about the OP... I'm tired and short-tempered today so maybe it's just me?

Glad the chat helped OP. I need to take a leaf out of your book and put my thoughts on the table rather than just keeping on going but feeling unsupported with some things.

This is absolutely me... I get annoyed with DH for stuff but don't tell him and then get more annoyed.

[baileybaileybne]

Sept 21, 2015 20:23:42 GMT -5 budders said:

Sept 21, 2015 17:57:42 GMT -5 baileybaileybne said:

Probs not the best thread to ask this: hearing how awesome and super helpful your SO is didn't make me feel any better, not sure about the OP... I'm tired and short-tempered today so maybe it's just me?

Glad the chat helped OP. I need to take a leaf out of your book and put my thoughts on the table rather than just keeping on going but feeling unsupported with some things.

I understand it can be hard to hear good things when you're having a tough time, but if her reality is a helpful and supportive H, why can't she share that? It's not like she said it to rub faces in it, she was using the info to frame her tangential question. The thread was started as a check-in for how we're faring with our SOs, and SOs with little ones. Some will be doing better than others, but everyone should be able to share their status without being told they can't post here.

It's not hard for me to hear a good thing, I'm not falling apart over here. I was just saying that it came a bit out of the blue when the discussion was about someone voicing a concern. I certainly didn't say she couldn't post here. Perhaps posting in a different thread might have been a bit more considerate at the time, but whatever, I have zero energy to get involved in a fight about it.

[Deleted]

Sept 21, 2015 20:43:47 GMT -5 @jemomma said:

Sept 21, 2015 20:31:20 GMT -5 baileybaileybne said:

It's not hard for me to hear a good thing, I'm not falling apart over here. I was just saying that it came a bit out of the blue when the discussion was about someone voicing a concern. I certainly didn't say she couldn't post here. Perhaps posting in a different thread might have been a bit more considerate at the time, but whatever, I have zero energy to get involved in a fight about it.

1. How was her voicing how her DH is handling things out of the blue? Its a SO check-in.

2. You actually did say she should post elsewhere.

3. For someone not wanting a fight you sure are knit picking the hell out of others' posts.

Just saying.

I'm side eyeing her because she has no image in her profile so that combined with the random post is strange to me.

[hannahl201477]

Sept 21, 2015 17:57:42 GMT -5 baileybaileybne said:

Sept 21, 2015 15:33:41 GMT -5 hannahl201477 said:

DH has been so great and helpful with him this whole time. But lately at night LO only wants me isn't it a little soon for the clingy stage??

Probs not the best thread to ask this: hearing how awesome and super helpful your SO is didn't make me feel any better, not sure about the OP... I'm tired and short-tempered today so maybe it's just me?

Glad the chat helped OP. I need to take a leaf out of your book and put my thoughts on the table rather than just keeping on going but feeling unsupported with some things.

Ummmmmmm... I ddint realize I couldn't say he does a good job. We have our struggles just like everyone! He loves to just pass him off to me when he starts crying when I just want to take a shower. I feel awful for those that are struggling. MY BAD!

[hannahl201477]

Sept 21, 2015 21:28:15 GMT -5 @poppyc8 said:

Sept 21, 2015 20:43:47 GMT -5 @jemomma said:

1. How was her voicing how her DH is handling things out of the blue? Its a SO check-in.

2. You actually did say she should post elsewhere.

3. For someone not wanting a fight you sure are knit picking the hell out of others' posts.

Just saying.

I'm side eyeing her because she has no image in her profile so that combined with the random post is strange to me.

I come to this site to chat/ complain just like everyone else. NO I do not have a pic nor will I. Something I just don't feel is necessary and quite honestly never taken the time to try and do. Sorry that that makes my statement not matter.

I posted before I even read maybe I should have read first but it did say SO check in and that's what I did. Sorry!

[hannahl201477]

Sept 21, 2015 21:37:17 GMT -5 @jemomma said:

Sept 21, 2015 21:28:15 GMT -5 @poppyc8 said:

I'm side eyeing her because she has no image in her profile so that combined with the random post is strange to me.

So because she doesn't have an avatar she can't participate? And, again, how is her post random? Its an SO check-in. If OP wanted a thread solely for her questions, then it wouldn't have been titled "SO check in."

I recognize her SN and I don't believe she has ever posted to just stir up drama or make people feel like shit.

I don't know why we jump all over "new" people for posting, it makes them not want to contribute in the future...

Thank you! In no shape form or fashion did I try to stir anything up. And I post pretty frequently. Just never taken the time to put a pic! Whose to say that isn't my avatar anyway. haha

And also I just looked and I have to be on a non-mobile form to change it and I don't have the app or anything. Sooo...

[sabrinaml]

DH is getting better with everything, but he has 0 patience when C is upset. As soon as C starts crying he hands him off to me. He just wants to hold him when he's happy and talking/giggling or when he's sleeping. So very frustrating for me at times because then I don't get a break. I know he wishes he had that bond like C and I, but I'm always with C of course we're going to have that bond and he's going to calm down for me. I just need to leave C with him for a little while and go have some me time, that should help a little. Then DH has to come up with his own way of calming C when he gets upset.

[Deleted]

Pump your breaks @jemomma pump your breaks I meant it as half serious and half joke that I side eye anyone that does not take the time to add an avatar. It doesn't take long and whenever I see that blank avatar head pop up it scares the hell out of me.

[hannahl201477]

Sept 21, 2015 21:52:51 GMT -5 @poppyc8 said:

Pump your breaks @jemomma pump your breaks I meant it as half serious and half joke that I side eye anyone that does not take the time to add an avatar. It doesn't take long and whenever I see that blank avatar head pop up it scares the hell out of me.

If you are on mobile it won't let you... I'm on mobile.

[Deleted]

Sept 21, 2015 21:52:51 GMT -5 @poppyc8 said:

Pump your breaks @jemomma pump your breaks I meant it as half serious and half joke that I side eye anyone that does not take the time to add an avatar. It doesn't take long and whenever I see that blank avatar head pop up it scares the hell out of me.

Also to be fair the definition of an infant is clingy. They need need need mommy so to randomly ask if it's too soon to be clingy about an infant just screams really?

[hannahl201477]

Sept 21, 2015 21:55:53 GMT -5 @poppyc8 said:

Sept 21, 2015 21:52:51 GMT -5 @poppyc8 said:

Pump your breaks @jemomma pump your breaks I meant it as half serious and half joke that I side eye anyone that does not take the time to add an avatar. It doesn't take long and whenever I see that blank avatar head pop up it scares the hell out of me.

Also to be fair the definition of an infant is clingy. They need need need mommy so to randomly ask if it's too soon to be clingy about an infant just screams really?

Yes I said clingy... I KNOW he needs mommy I stay home with him and wouldn't trade it. I meant it in reference to my husband use to do bedtime duty and lately he screams just wanting me. It's different for him. Give me a freaking break.

[Deleted]

@jemomma so true DH had a pretty genius idea to invent a sarcasm font that would be on your phone so if you want to be sarcastic you can type in the sarcasm font similar to bold font for yelling etc. I would pretty much be using it all day.

[carolyngrace]

My DH is a huge homebody and introvert. I think he's been loving how a baby forces us to stay home together, or host people at our place! So the change of pace has probably bothered me more, but he's usually willing to watch DB anytime I want to go out.

As far as US, we are definitely not as close or romantic as we used to be. The lack of sex and energy to connect are just draining on us! Luckily we can usually joke about it. The other day DH said "Oscar, you're the only thing keeping this family together!" When he was being sweet and distracted us from a fight. And I said "yeah buddy, you're tearing us apart AND keeping us together."

So I think we both recognize its a season of life and it's not forever, but I still miss feeling close. It's like we're buddies right now.

[pghtruelove]

SO and I are both having some health issues right now. I've been having a really hard time dealing with mine(and they all stem from my pregnancy). Because of this I've been super anxious and kind of depressed and finding myself not wanting to deal with LO(already made a mental health appt) SO has been fantastic about taking her and bringing her to me when she needs to nurse(still won't take a bottle) or when she just needs some mommy time. I feel very lucky to have someone to help me. The only time he's awful is MOTN.

[seannemairi]

DH loves her and thinks she is the greatest thing ever. Things I hate are as follows:

1) he is so reluctant to be left with her, even when I am in the same house. Like if I want to take a long bath and wash my hair for once I feel so rushed because he gets so flustered when she fusses. He just wants to give her back because she "wants you, not me". I was at the grocery store for literally 15 min yesterday to pick up like 3 things and he calls me as I'm checking out to see what's taking me so long. She wasn't even fussing.

B) when he goes out with his friends he doesn't know when to slow down on the beers. He doesn't seem to understand that you can't just go out and get drunk whenever you want because then I'm left to take care of her alone, which I do all day anyway. I never get a break.

3) she is a VERY fussy baby. Her early months have been difficult on both our sanities. He always wants to try things that will be hard with her, for example driving 4 hours to our sister in law's house last weekend. She hates being strapped in so car rides are hell. He acts all nonchalant about it, saying we'll just push through, make frequent stops etc etc then he acts all put out when we actually do have to stop. He gets very frustrated with her screaming in the car. Then we argue about it because he's being ridiculous.

4) even though the past 2 days he's been slightly more helpful because she's going through sleep regression, he almost never asks if I need him to take her or change her. When I ask him to he always wants to sit in a position that's comfortable for him but that she hates. He talks to her in the middle of the night even though I asked him not to, and he's constantly watching me struggle to do things one handed while holding her without offering to help.

I know it sounds like he's terrible Haha he's really not, he just thinks he knows everything because it's what makes sense to him but doesn't do any research and I do. He's a wonderful husband and he loves her so much but he needs daddy boot camp or something because what he thinks he knows pisses me off.