How to call it quits

[angelsnight]

MH and I have been married 5 years next month, together for 8 and have an 18 month old daughter.  I've finally come to accept that we will likely not make it much longer.  He is selfish, barely helps with anything including taking care of DD (as far as she knows he is a great dad, plays with her, etc, but does nothing to help me with her), he has a bad temper, is verbally abusive, etc.

My general game plan was to take the next six months to see how things go, and give him one last chance.  He is on zoloft and I wanted him to start taking anger management, hoping the combo would make him a better husband/father.  He maybe takes his pills 2-4 times a week, and even then it is a struggle to remind him and get him to take them and he has done nothing to find an anger management therapist.

For a while now, when things are bad I would think yep, this is definitely going to end.  But when things were good I had hope that we could stay together.  But today I realized he's never going to change, at least not for good.  It's always going to be a constant struggle and fight and he's always going to go back to his old ways after so long.  It's just who he is.

I've told him many times that I've been contemplating divorce, and that I will not put up with this forever...whether he takes me seriously I don't know.  I think he does, but then again when I finally make that call, I think he will still be shocked and plead for another chance.  But my question is, HOW do you make that final call?  Do I just go file and then tell him I filed?  Do I ask him to move out before hand and then file?  If you don't mind sharing, how did it happen with you and your ex?  Did you just sit down one day and say, I'm filing for divorce?  I've thought about this for a long time but I just have no idea how to do it once the time actually comes.

[freezorburn]

My situation is very different ... STBX blindsided me when he told me he wanted to end our marriage and really didn't give me a choice in the matter. So I can't really comment on the decision making process. Other than, it really, really sucks to be blindsided.

What I will say is that if you haven't already, you should seek the advice of a lawyer. The laws vary from state to state, so sitting down for an initial consult with someone who is familiar with how the law would apply to your situation, is really the place to start.

Also to the extent it is possible, get your ducks in a row -- finances, documenting your concerns, etc. Maybe keep copies of important documents (IDs, birth certificates, marriage certificate, passports, etc), financial statements, insurance statements, etc -- in a safe place but not in the house. A safety deposit box, or with a trusted friend. In case things escalate and you have to be the ones to leave, then you will still have access to this stuff.

Will he consider marriage counseling? Discussing your issues in that context could provide you a with a safe place to discuss your concerns and come to a mutual decision about the marriage. Also, an individual counselor for yourself might be a good idea at some point.

Good luck --

[angelsnight]

freezorburn,I'm sorry you were blindsided. I definitely feel like that adds to my worry about when to call it quits because I don't want to do that to him. Despite telling him I am close, things have not been easy for our entire 8 years, so I am worried he has just grown accustomed to me threatening to leave. But at the same time, he should treat me as his partner and love of his life because he wants to, not because he is worried about me leaving.

A local divorce attorney does offer a free seminar every week so I do plan to attend that soon to get the bulk of my questions answered. Then if I have any further questions, I can sit down one on one with a lawyer.

We have tried counseling in the past, but he never feels like it helps. Basically he is looking for someone to wave a magic wand and make him better, rather than putting in the work himself. He also feels ganged up on in therapy, because even though our therapist doesn't take sides, it's clear who the major problem is in our marriage.

I have continued to see the therapist by myself for several years now. I have an appt soon so I will bring it up with him...he of course knows how close I am to being done, but maybe he can also offer advice on how to approach MH about it.

[jennaleigh23]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this and as PPs have recommended get the advice of a lawyer. My situation is way too different to offer any kind of advice but you're very strong to do what's best for yourself and your daughter.