Parenting question

[tribute17]

Since it is slow here and I value your opinions I have a question for you all.  Patrick is very much a creature of habit.  If I don't do something exactly the same way every time he loses it and it takes us 30 minutes to calm down and try again.  You can imagine that this leads to many tantrums throughout the day.  If I don't do our bedtime routine exactly the same way every night he loses it.  I know this is somewhat normal but I'm wondering if he is a little more this way than others.  He is not the most adaptable child and doesn't handle change well.  I'm that way to an extent so I know I probably make it worse.  It made it hard this week since my mom came over early to get them ready so I could leave for work.  She tried to put long pants on him and that was a disaster.  Every time we change seasons I have to talk about it a week in advance.  "Ok, when it starts getting cold out we are going to have to switch to long pants.  We have black pants and blue pants, etc".  When we were switching from diapers to pull ups and pull ups to underwear it takes time.  I can't do those things without a major meltdown and a night of no sleep unless I prepare him.  

How do I make transitions easier for him?  Am I making it worse by not forcing him to adapt more?  Should I just make him do things without talking about it first so he gets used to it?  Is it a phase that will pass soon or will he always be like this?  Is this normal or have I messed up my kid?  I know some kids just adapt more easily than others but I want to know if I'm making it worse.  

[summergirl1211]

Hmm... I know Riley is a creature of habit with regard to a lot of things (the food she eats, the toys she has in her bed, how we do her hair) but she isn't that extreme. I'm not sure if I have ideas for you other than what you've posted. I think it's good that you talk him through things and prepare him for what's coming instead of just "shocking" him into change. Hopefully someone else has more advice for you here!

[jennmm]

My son is and was the same way. I would just try to talk to him about things as they came and I tried to put on a calm front when things were different. He has gotten a little better as he has gotten older. I think some children just crave routine.

[bliz1712]

I don't want to say you're making it worse, because sometimes we just have to do what we can for as little fight as possible. But let's use this week when your Mom came in and you weren't able to prepare him for certain things. Taking that much prep work for some things might be harder on him in the long run. Other individuals aren't going to be able to do this for him. 1) they might not be aware that he needs it for certain things 2) they might not have the time 3) they might just forget. So when he's in school, daycare for example it might be an issue. On the days you aren't able to, he's going to have to "deal" with the change. I bet there are other ways you could do it without being so elaborate.

Like your clothes example. Instead of prepping him ahead of time for colder weather, maybe just giving him the option of 2 pairs of pants would work. I definitely think kids should have options and a lot of times them having control of certain things is really all they want. And maybe if shorts aren't available as an option then it won't be in his mindset to want to wear them. You can easily determine the weather before you wake him up or even the night before to know if shorts or pants would be appropriate for the day.

I think it's important for him to also learn that we have to adapt or change when some things can't or won't go our way. Maybe you can start incorporating certain wording into your explanations now that might help down the road. Like when getting dressed just explain that we dress for how the weather allows it. Sometimes it's cold so we dress warm clothes, and sometimes it's hot so we dress in cool clothes. I don't think just shocking him into change is necessarily the best option, but taking a week to prepare him for certain things seems a bit extreme. However, I don't know your child and maybe that's the best way for him to process it. Hanna would have no concept or remember it if I started talking to her a week in advance about wearing pants. But some kids are better at this then her.

ETA:  I hope this doesn't come off bad, if what you are doing works then continue with it.  I'm just trying to offer advice from an outside perspective.

[lainikins]

I think our kids are very similar. I could have written this and have been thinking that I should for a while now. We had a really hard time changing to shorts for the summer. Surprising back to pants was much easier, but maybe that is because he wanted to wear pants all summer. There was even one story from daycare that the rubber duckies were brought out for a lesson at a table about water and painting something blue. Those same fucks were used a month or so later at circle time (in another part of the classroom) for a song. Emmett lost it and would not calm down no matter what they tried until he had the ducks and brought them to table where the first were because "they belonged there." I completely understand what you are going through and it is exhausting. Emmett has always been like this, and I take comfort in that because it means I did not do anything to screw him up. It is just personality. When he was a baby he would scream and refuse to sit in his high chair if it was in a different spot from normal. He has gotten more flexible as he has gotten older, but it is still very challenging at times.

For us, I have found, Emmett likes to be able to predict what is going to happen. We have taught him how to read the hour on the clock and that helps him know what time it is and what he needs to do. 8 at night is bedtime, he can't get out of his room until it is 7 in the morning, he needs to get dressed at 8 in the morning. He is so rule based, this has worked very well. The only problem is we need to be able to do things at the right times as well. This is not an issue for me, I have always been very aware of time and planning my time, but my husband struggles.

For shorts vs pants I had him check the weather forecast with me. He preferred pants, so if it was less than 80 degrees for the high he could wear pants.

I work on helping him find the "rules" that govern social interactions, when to say hi, what to do if you hurt someone by accident, what if someone is doing something you don't like, or what happens when you go somewhere new. Sometimes the "rule" is you might not know what is going to happen and that is ok.

We also have a lot of talks that he gets to pick things that he likes to do and friend get to pick things that they like to do. He would have a lot of tantrums that his friends did not want to do the same thing or they wanted a different color Popsicle, ridiculous stuff like that.

[xanthepants]

Cosette can be like this to a degree but I liken it more to her being an only child than a personality thing. I think it's because she has our undivided attention for so long and perhaps now we are paying for it? Anyway we are trying to purposely break some of these habits. She doesn't always get to win every game, doesn't always get to dress however she wants, doesn't always get to pick what food when. It's a matter of standing up to her rather than giving in to every tantrum right now. It was difficult at first and felt like an uphill battle but honestly it's tapered off quite a bit. It's like we had to establish dominance or something. Ha!
I do think that it can be either personality though or it can be enabling (as in my case). I just wanted to throw out a different idea. Patrick is a good kid, I'd rack at least half of it up to just being a 3 year old no matter what.

[lkamenko]

I think it is normal for this age.

Does he likes new things, presents?

Some time I introduce something new like it is very exciting. Look, mama bought you a new pants! They are long, so you will not get cold and they are your favorite color. WOW. Most of the time she gets interested
And then it's new routine - for a while she will ask only for those pants every day...

[tribute17]

bliz1712, Not bad at all, that's why I'm asking. I worry about things like school and being presented with new situations. I don't want him to be so unadaptable that it causes undue stress later in life. And I will admit that a lot of the time I try to make it the same to avoid fights. Maybe I need to stop worrying about avoiding fights and emphasize the fact that something new or different happened and everything was still ok. Like, it's ok if we wear pants, we can still have fun at the park. I want to try to teach him to adapt to new situations but also be understanding of the fact that it is harder for some people than others. Maybe I need to start teaching him coping mechanisms for change and then let change happen without prepping him so much.

But he is also 3 so I'm hoping he gets over a lot of this.

[tribute17]

xanthepants, I think a lot of it right now is control. And I'm very guilty. He was the only child until Will came so he did get our undivided attention and grandparents undivided attention. He basically ran the show with certain things. I was never in a hurry at night so we could play forever in the tub, read a ton of books, etc. Now I'm trying to get bedtime to under an hour and a half because I want to spend some of that time with William. But then if I cut something out he freaks. I do have an incredible amount of patience and I think that backfires sometimes.

He has never gone to daycare, only grandparents, but he started Kid's Day Out this semester. They say he is the smart and polite one. I asked how he was doing as far as adapting and they said he was fine and didn't seem bothered by change. Maybe it really is just how he acts about certain things I need to stop avoiding fights and buckle down. It's going to be rough, I just have a feeling.

[tribute17]

I should also clarify that I don't let him get away with everything. If it is something that is important like holding hands in the parking lot or not yelling at me or anything safety related I make him behave. He has rules but I don't fight him on certain things and I think that is where we have gotten into the same routine and now it is hard to change.

[summergirl1211]

Oct 1, 2015 12:17:52 GMT -5 lainikins said:

I think our kids are very similar. I could have written this and have been thinking that I should for a while now. We had a really hard time changing to shorts for the summer. Surprising back to pants was much easier, but maybe that is because he wanted to wear pants all summer. There was even one story from daycare that the rubber duckies were brought out for a lesson at a table about water and painting something blue. Those same fucks were used a month or so later at circle time (in another part of the classroom) for a song. Emmett lost it and would not calm down no matter what they tried until he had the ducks and brought them to table where the first were because "they belonged there." I completely understand what you are going through and it is exhausting. Emmett has always been like this, and I take comfort in that because it means I did not do anything to screw him up. It is just personality. When he was a baby he would scream and refuse to sit in his high chair if it was in a different spot from normal. He has gotten more flexible as he has gotten older, but it is still very challenging at times.

For us, I have found, Emmett likes to be able to predict what is going to happen. We have taught him how to read the hour on the clock and that helps him know what time it is and what he needs to do. 8 at night is bedtime, he can't get out of his room until it is 7 in the morning, he needs to get dressed at 8 in the morning. He is so rule based, this has worked very well. The only problem is we need to be able to do things at the right times as well. This is not an issue for me, I have always been very aware of time and planning my time, but my husband struggles.

For shorts vs pants I had him check the weather forecast with me. He preferred pants, so if it was less than 80 degrees for the high he could wear pants.

I work on helping him find the "rules" that govern social interactions, when to say hi, what to do if you hurt someone by accident, what if someone is doing something you don't like, or what happens when you go somewhere new. Sometimes the "rule" is you might not know what is going to happen and that is ok.

We also have a lot of talks that he gets to pick things that he likes to do and friend get to pick things that they like to do. He would have a lot of tantrums that his friends did not want to do the same thing or they wanted a different color Popsicle, ridiculous stuff like that.

Sorry lainikins, but I just about laughed out loud at the bolded. 

[xanthepants]

tribute17, I think you and I are a lot alike when it comes down to these things too. Lots of patience to just let them take their time and it didn't bother me. I just basked in them doing their thing, and now I'm kind like "Huh, what did I create here?  I better get a handle on this so it doesn't backfire on me."

[bliz1712]

Playing devils advocate.... has he had a lot of breakdowns for change recently or is it more that you are anticipating it because it has happened once in the past? I am a creature of habit, and I find myself pushing some of these habits onto my kids, sometimes without realizing it. But I think if I were to switch things up it might not bother them as much as I would think. So it's more of a worry of mine not the kids, KWIM?  Maybe he picks up on change bothering you in some cases so then in turn it bothers him?

[lainikins]

Oct 1, 2015 13:25:22 GMT -5 summergirl1211 said:

Oct 1, 2015 12:17:52 GMT -5 lainikins said:

I think our kids are very similar. I could have written this and have been thinking that I should for a while now. We had a really hard time changing to shorts for the summer. Surprising back to pants was much easier, but maybe that is because he wanted to wear pants all summer. There was even one story from daycare that the rubber duckies were brought out for a lesson at a table about water and painting something blue. Those same fucks were used a month or so later at circle time (in another part of the classroom) for a song. Emmett lost it and would not calm down no matter what they tried until he had the ducks and brought them to table where the first were because "they belonged there." I completely understand what you are going through and it is exhausting. Emmett has always been like this, and I take comfort in that because it means I did not do anything to screw him up. It is just personality. When he was a baby he would scream and refuse to sit in his high chair if it was in a different spot from normal. He has gotten more flexible as he has gotten older, but it is still very challenging at times.

For us, I have found, Emmett likes to be able to predict what is going to happen. We have taught him how to read the hour on the clock and that helps him know what time it is and what he needs to do. 8 at night is bedtime, he can't get out of his room until it is 7 in the morning, he needs to get dressed at 8 in the morning. He is so rule based, this has worked very well. The only problem is we need to be able to do things at the right times as well. This is not an issue for me, I have always been very aware of time and planning my time, but my husband struggles.

For shorts vs pants I had him check the weather forecast with me. He preferred pants, so if it was less than 80 degrees for the high he could wear pants.

I work on helping him find the "rules" that govern social interactions, when to say hi, what to do if you hurt someone by accident, what if someone is doing something you don't like, or what happens when you go somewhere new. Sometimes the "rule" is you might not know what is going to happen and that is ok.

We also have a lot of talks that he gets to pick things that he likes to do and friend get to pick things that they like to do. He would have a lot of tantrums that his friends did not want to do the same thing or they wanted a different color Popsicle, ridiculous stuff like that.

Sorry lainikins, but I just about laughed out loud at the bolded. 

Haha whoops.  I am leaving it. 

[tribute17]

Oct 1, 2015 13:58:22 GMT -5 bliz1712 said:

Playing devils advocate.... has he had a lot of breakdowns for change recently or is it more that you are anticipating it because it has happened once in the past? I am a creature of habit, and I find myself pushing some of these habits onto my kids, sometimes without realizing it. But I think if I were to switch things up it might not bother them as much as I would think. So it's more of a worry of mine not the kids, KWIM?  Maybe he picks up on change bothering you in some cases so then in turn it bothers him?

This could be a lot of it too.  I think maybe what I will try is just doing some things differently and seeing how he reacts.  Maybe I have come to expect him to freak out so I don't change too much.  I will do little experiments to see what really bothers him.  Is it food related? Schedule related? Certain times of day? I have been stressed to the max lately and hormonal, and sleep deprived so maybe that is transferring to him.  He has had breakdowns lately but there has been a lot going on at our house so maybe routine is all he has.  

[samelly]

Oct 1, 2015 12:57:10 GMT -5 lkamenko said:

I think it is normal for this age.

Does he likes new things, presents?

Some time I introduce something new like it is very exciting. Look, mama bought you a new pants! They are long, so you will not get cold and they are your favorite color. WOW. Most of the time she gets interested
And then it's new routine - for a while she will ask only for those pants every day...

I've done a reward system when introducing new things (potty training, getting her to sleep in her new bed etc.).  We give her a star each time and after 10 stars she gets a small present.

I've also done some games with clothes because my DD can be very stubborn about clothes.  She loves dresses and her favourites are summer dresses and we've had some cool fall weather already here.  So as a game, I picked out two outfits and taught her how to do innie-minnie-miney-mo.  I have also had the dogs "pick" her outfit.  I hold two outfits in front of a dog and the one they sniff first is the one they pick for her.  She is very proud to tell people that her puppy picked her outfit.