TTCAL Check-In 10/6

[notagoddess]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

GTKY: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Have you posted anything about your loss or about loss in general on social media?

[pbandj714]

How are you doing? I'm doing okay at the moment. I know I haven't checked in here in a few weeks. I've been feeling very disconnected from TTC right now. I think it's the long cycle messing with my head.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): none.

Updates/questions: Just plugging along. CD65 and waiting to O.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): This long cycle has me apathetic.

GTKY: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Have you posted anything about your loss or about loss in general on social media?

I actually did. I saw that an old friend from college shared a "I am the 1 in 4" badge and I thought, you know what? If she was strong enough to share it, so am I. So I did. I was overwhelmed with the support and PMs I got with condolences and other people sharing with me the news of their losses and what helped them get through it. I'm really glad I shared it. For me, it was really hard knowing that other people didn't know that part of our story. I'm glad more people know now so that (1) they might think before they say something stupid and insensitive to me and (2) if a friend ever has to suffer through a loss in the future, they might feel comfortable coming to me to ask for advice or support.

[notagoddess]

How are you doing? I've been very up and down. This moment I'm OK and I have faith things will work out. Other times this week I've been a crying mess.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Currently TTA pending news of job offer.

Diagnosis (if applicable): Resected uterine septum

Updates/questions: I mentioned last week having a crying session with my new therapist. I have another appointment Thursday and I'm hoping now that she has seen my strong emotions she will help me deal with them in a better way.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I was pregnant this time last year, and now that I'm TTA, I feel farther than ever from having a baby.

GTKY: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Have you posted anything about your loss or about loss in general on social media? I did not post anything about my pregnancy or loss on Facebook. I've noticed that in the last 6 months or so, there's more awareness about miscarriage on social media and in the news, e.g. Zuckerberg's announcement. I would like to post something about Pregnancy Loss Awareness without necessarily saying that I suffered a loss. But I have not found the right way to do it.

[rablissful]

Ok, I'm back for an update! Sorry I've been MIA.

How are you doing? Nuch better!

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): NTNP, probably TTC next cycle

Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a

Updates/questions: I finally have a job! Two actually! One is an after school program for kids grades 3-5 twice a week where we'll be doing a long term science project. It starts today! The other is regular subbing in the district I live in (though I'm still waiting to fill out all the paperwork for that).

It's not ideal, but it is more teaching experience and hopefully it gets me a job next year.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): We did have to borrow some money from my parents, which sucks. Hopefully with me being employed only a few days after we had to ask, we should be able to pay them back quickly.

GTKY: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Have you posted anything about your loss or about loss in general on social media? Nope. Don't plan on it either. I'll like articles, but I doubt I will "come out". It's still too emotional for me.

[pbandj714]

notagoddess, BIG HUGS to you re: your debbie downer post. And I hope your new therapist can help you get to a better place emotionally. It will make a world of difference!

rablissful, YAY for jobs! That's fantastic.

[LadyNymeria]

How are you doing? Better than the past couple days. That spotting I was complaining about turned into my period and it hit me really hard.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a

Updates/questions: CD 4 of my current cycle so just waiting for now.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Nothing really.

GTKY: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Have you posted anything about your loss or about loss in general on social media? I have not. I want to post the "1 in 4" picture that's going around, but I don't want our entire families knowing we're TTC. If/when I get and stay pregnant, I plan to tell people about the loss, but for now I won't say anything.

[notagoddess]

pbandj714, that is one long cycle. I know you said before your doctor won't do anything until CD 90 but that must be so hard to deal with. I'm glad you were able to share on FB. I have been thinking about posting the 1 in 4 badge as well. I do think it provides some comfort to others knowing they are not alone.

rablissful, I'm so glad you got your jobs! That after school program sounds amazing, those kids are lucky to have you! How exciting that you may be back to TTC soon.

LadyNymeria, I hear you on the family finding out about TTC if you post. If I ever get to the point of making an announcement, I am sure I will mention my loss. I do not want that baby unacknowledged. I hope your body gets back to normal this cycle,

[doodler]

pbandj714 that's really cool that you got such a positive response to posting the badge. I'm not that brave yet

notagoddess, see below for what I posted. May work for you too.

How are you doing? Pretty good. I have my moments but in general I am ok.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): I am spotting so I think today or tomorrow will be CD1.

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: I'm just excited that my cycle seems to have regulated quickly and I am excited/anxious to start TTC again. Is it normal to have CRAZZZZZY emotions before the first period? I have been all over the place the last few days. Poor DH has had to duck and cover a few times because I have been flying off the handle quite easily.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): No vents this week!

GTKY: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Have you posted anything about your loss or about loss in general on social media? I changed my profile picture for the #gopinkandblue campaign. I used this app.

I didn't specifically mention my loss on my profile though. I am in a local Mom's group on facebook that has about 1000 members. Last night I posted advice for someone and mentioned my loss. I have quite a few acquaintances in the group and a few responded to my comment with support.

[notagoddess]

Ooh I like that idea, doodler. I really want to do SOMETHING.

[LadyNymeria]

pbandj714 - Sorry again about the long cycle. I still can't believe your dr has you waiting until 90 days.

notagoddess - I hope the new therapist helps you out a lot. Many hugs for your debbie downer. I'm sure you've told us before, and I'm sorry if you did and I forgot, but when do you hear about the job?

rablissful - Congrats on the jobs!!! They both sound like they could be great for helping further your teaching career - hope you see a big payoff next year!! Sorry about having to borrow, that's not a fun situation, but it's really great you got the job so quickly after.

doodler - My emotions have been WAY more all over the place after my loss than they were before. Not just around my period either. I'm chalking it up to hormones still settling back to normal and the fact that it hasn't been very long since the giant upheaval of my life that was the loss. So I'm going to say totally normal on the crazy emotions front. Hope they settle down for you.

[notagoddess]

doodler, I just used that app to update my profile picture. I also let it post the auto message and added this quote: "There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint in this world."

[notagoddess]

LadyNymeria, I'm supposed to hear back sometime this week. I'm checking my email approximately every 10 seconds.

[cheshie6]

pbandj714, You motivated me to post something
rablissful, I'm happy about the job. I love science and doing an experiment could be fun!


How are you doing? I'm doing well, DH goes back to work tomorrow.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): I guess benched by Dh's job.

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/a

Updates/questions: Home from vacation and its no joke that you need time to recover from your vacation. I lost my BB Thermometer during my trip so I didn't know if we hit it well last cycle but no matter! I'm on CD7. DH leaves tomorrow so hopefully DH will be home time in November.

Debbie downer (a place to vent):*OPP mentioned* FB is the devil. I'm happy for my friends but sad for me. One friend just delivered baby #3, another friend delivered baby #2. I just want #1. While on vacation, I saw Inside Out and didn't expect it to make me cry. I was ok with all the kids and babies on the ship. (It was actually a light cruise for kids, only 230) But the movie was just too much for me.

GTKY: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Have you posted anything about your loss or about loss in general on social media? I just did, but I didn't know what to post. Like doodler, I posted #gopinkandblue. I don't want the attention but I do want more awareness to the cause. I felt so alone during my miscarriage last year. I was surprised to find out 1 in 4 women have a loss. I wasn't alone but didn't know anyone I could talk to.

[akraus2015]

How are you doing? Really not well. My grief has turned into a depression more severe than I have ever experienced in my life. I finally pulled it together enough yesterday to see my doctor and a therapist. My doctor recommended a "treatment plan" that includes changing meds, intensive therapy, and a medical leave of absence from work. I feel guilty, and scared, and ashamed and embarrassed that I can't get myself together. I know I'm protected by FMLA, but I'm terrified of losing my job. And I really feel awful for putting my husband through all this.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, currently in the TWW

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: N/A

Debbie downer (a place to vent): See above. Losing my shit a little bit.

GTKY: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Have you posted anything about your loss or about loss in general on social media? I have been posting the Capture Your Grief Project on Facebook every day. I'm finding comfort in the project, and the process. It's nice to see other people's photos and read their stories, as well.

[pbandj714]

Huge, huge HUGS to you, akraus2015. I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in the throws of depression. Take the time off work and work on you no matter what other people think. And no need to feel guilty about it. You can't be a productive employee if you are debilitated by your depression. Getting this help will make you a better you and a better employee.

[LadyNymeria]

I'm so sorry akraus2015. So many hugs to you. I hope your doctor and therapist can help you push through this. Please try not to feel guilty about work, your health (physical and mental) and well being are much more important than work. Please focus on yourself.

[notagoddess]

akraus2015, I am so sorry you are going through this and dealing with so many negative emotions on top of your grief. Feelings of guilt and shame are hallmarks of depression rather than reflections of anything you did. Please be kind to yourself as you go through your treatment plan. So many hugs, lady.

[akraus2015]

Thanks ladies. I just feel so weird and surreal today, like I can't believe this is my life. It's nice to hear that I shouldn't feel guilty. I'm really working on changing those thoughts in my head.

[kayladawn91]

pbandj714, I'm glad that you received support from people. I hope that it continues!

notagoddess I'm in the same boat as you. I want to show my support without letting people know that I suffered a loss myself. I shared something on FB that said: "October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Remember all of the babies gone too soon." or something to that effect. Only two people know about my loss or that we're TTC and I'm just not ready to "come out" on social media or to my family.

rablissful congrats on the jobs. That first one sounds like fun!

LadyNymeria, I also plan on telling people about our loss if/when I ever get to announce a pregnancy. I don't want to field questions from people about TTC right now. The comments I get from them now when they don't even know are hurtful enough. Also, I'm sorry that CD1 hit you hard. I get that sometimes too.

doodler, I'm glad your cycles have regulated quickly for you!

cheshie6, FB really is the devil! I've had to unfollow so many people. I'm sorry you're having to deal with OPP right now. I didn't realize that Inside Out had triggering things in it. Thanks for the warning!

akraus2015, big hugs to you! I'm so sorry you're having a hard time and I hope you can find the help you need. Take time to take care of yourself. It's so important and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

[kayladawn91]

How are you doing? Okay most days

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: Nope

Debbie downer (a place to vent): So I finally O'd and my timing is crappy (O+1). SInce I like to torture myself, I figured out what my due date would be if I got pregnant and it would be the same EDD as with my loss. That hit me pretty hard.

GTKY: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Have you posted anything about your loss or about loss in general on social media? I shared something that said: "October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Remembering all of the babies gone too soon." I didn't want to mention my own loss but I wanted to give awareness. I'm just not ready to tell anyone else and field all of the TTC questions.

[hydrangea1019]

Hi ladies

How are you doing? Today I am good. Yesterday, I was good until I got home from work and broke down (EDD)

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): nada

Updates/questions: I honestly had in my brain that I was pregnant on Sunday evening, so Monday when the spotting started, and it being our EDD, it was a rough way to start.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I made it all the way through work yesterday with no issues, for the most part. Then on the way home, for no reason (no triggers) I just started crying. Then I actually made it home and the waterworks began. Poor DH called me on his way home and I was a blubbering mess and he had a migraine. I was of no help to him, but he comforted me and held me through it. I was able to calm down and then my dad started texting me sweet support and I broke down again. I was happy when it was finally bed time.

GTKY: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Have you posted anything about your loss or about loss in general on social media?

I did. Both on FB and IG. I received a lot of support from family and friends (besides my two "BFFs" - i'm bitter today) and I actually feel free, like I'm not carrying around this secret anymore. I'm so happy I put something out there because a friend from college who lost an angel messaged me and told me her story (we lost our babies around the same time). I feel like we can be support for each other.

I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately. I probably will be around even less because we are closing on a house this month and moving. I hope to be more active in November.

[notagoddess]

Huge hugs on for your EDD, hydrangea1019.

[kayladawn91]

Hugs for your EDD hydrangea1019!

[mosdub]

How are you doing? Fine! Keeping busy. Anxiety is less and less now. It was kind of overwhelming for a while there and I'm glad that I'm feeling more normal (though I feel like I'll never feel like I felt before all of this happened. Life just changes you I guess).

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched/TTA

Diagnosis (if applicable): Still recovering from a Partial Molar Pregnancy

Updates/questions: Posted in WTDS, but latest hCG # is 10 (down from 14)! Next draw is in 3-4 weeks. Hoping for negative by then (less than 5). Also finally saw my first bfn since December 2014 which brought up a mixture of happy/sad emotions.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): No venting today.

GTKY: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Have you posted anything about your loss or about loss in general on social media? No, I haven't...but I'm seriously contemplating it. I'm thinking I'll wait until the 15th if I do post anything. I don't know what I'll say or do - I could just post one of the "1 in 4" badges. All of my friends/family know what happened but none of the anonymous facebook people do and I cycle between "well they don't need to know" vs. "maybe someone out there feels alone and will find reassurance that someone else is going through this". I don't know if I'll share the details of my loss yet or not... I might make my own badge that includes molar/partial molar pregnancy awareness too.

[cheshie6]

kayladawn91, and anyone worried about Inside Out... I don't know if it really has triggers per se or if I was having a rough day. I went into it knowing there would be kids in the theater. It does have an opening sequence (similar to Up) where they start with the day Riley is born and as soon as she focuses and notice her parents, Joy is in her head. Joy then narrates the first 10 years of her life They just follow thru Riley growing up, her love of hockey, her weird family silliness, etc. I just wasn't prepared for that. For me, I particularly want a kid (boy or girl) who plays hockey, so it hit me where it hurt just in that.

((Hugs)) hydrangea1019, today can be so hard!
mosdub, I struggled with the same thing but then I wanted any of my girlfriends to know they have someone they could talk to if they ever go through it or just know they aren't alone.

[mosdub]

akraus2015 sending you lots of love lady. It's okay. I'm so so glad you had the strength to go get help from your doctor. Take the time you need

[kayladawn91]

mosdub I hope you can share your loss and awareness about loss in a way that makes you comfortable.