People say the darndest things... about adoption/foster care

[ceejay]

What are some of the interesting things people have said to you about adoption or foster care? Could be something kind, thoughtful, funny, rude, offensive... anything!

Since getting our foster sons last month, we have had a lot of interesting reactions and comments from friends and family, and I'm curious what everyone else is hearing!

[ceejay]

One of the most surprising things for me this past month is that the majority of people I talk with don't even know what foster care is. When the boys were placed with us, many of my coworkers assumed that we were basically adopting the boys now and they would be with us forever. I've had to explain more times than I can count that right now the goal for the boys is that they return home, and the goal may change to adoption in the future. People are almost always shocked by this and then tell me that they "could never do foster care because they would get too attached."

[Rogue]

Human resources was asking how our foster care licensing was going and she had another HR person with her other person asked if we were trying to adopt and then said she was adopted at 3 days old. So that was a cool reaction.

[roxy]

I love so much being asked "so where are his real parents?". Thankfully, most of my friends/family haven't said it, just annoying coworkers that I already didn't like in the first place.

[delenire]

We sent out a letter to our family and friends so everyone was informed at the same time and we took the time to answer a lot of questions in that letter. For the most part we had great support but... my MIL apparently read the letter and became furious, she threw the letter on the table (according to witnesses) and proclaimed angrily, "they shouldn't do this! if DHS talks to me I am going to tell them they go to (insert a local restaurant chain here) every weekend and drink!" then about 3 days later she gave us a congratulatory card of support... luckily DHS didn't find it necessary to speak to her. (Side note: we don't drink often, and when we do we usually split the drink!)

My DH family have been trying to tear us apart since we were dating. It is so sad that they can't love him unless they are controlling him.

[delenire]

Oct 13, 2015 11:40:34 GMT -5 ceejay said:

One of the most surprising things for me this past month is that the majority of people I talk with don't even know what foster care is. When the boys were placed with us, many of my coworkers assumed that we were basically adopting the boys now and they would be with us forever. I've had to explain more times than I can count that right now the goal for the boys is that they return home, and the goal may change to adoption in the future. People are almost always shocked by this and then tell me that they "could never do foster care because they would get too attached."

I am pretty shocked that there are people that you work with that don't know what foster care is.  I have been trying to figure my go to response to "I could never do foster care, I would get to attached" I think I am leaning towards responding with...

"If you love something, set it free..."

I know it isn't the same but something in me thinks it works.

[lbey]

So, if tou don't like your child, can you return him/her?
What if the mom wants go take the child back?

[casarosada]

Yesterday I was talking to a new co-worker/friend. She asked if I had any adoption updates. I told her I didn't but was bummed that I missed a call on our adoption phone number during a work meeting. I told her I called the number back and the woman hung up on me.

Her reply? If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Plus, that baby probably had fetal alcohol syndrome so you're lucky you didn't answer the phone.

WTF?!

[delenire]

Oct 16, 2015 12:31:55 GMT -5 casarosada said:

Yesterday I was talking to a new co-worker/friend. She asked if I had any adoption updates. I told her I didn't but was bummed that I missed a call on our adoption phone number during a work meeting. I told her I called the number back and the woman hung up on me.

Her reply? If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Plus, that baby probably had fetal alcohol syndrome so you're lucky you didn't answer the phone.

WTF?!

WTF is right.... along with a plethora of other obscenities. She sounds like a complete idiot.  

[ceejay]

One of my coworkers was really excited to see pictures of our foster kids. When I showed her a few pictures on my phone, she was really surprised and asked if there was a reason that we had wanted to have African American kids (my husband and I are Caucasian). I told her that we were open to fostering/adopting any race. Then she asked, "But if you get to adopt them, when they grow up, won't they know they're adopted?" Um.... as if I would try to keep it a secret from them? This is 2015... adoption really isn't a taboo, secret thing these days. I was just surprised to find that there are people my age that still think about adoption in that way.

[wesleycrusher]

When I told co-worker (who knew the whole situation about getting my nephew and what we're going through for it) the date that we would be approved and he would come the first thing she said "oh, it's really not a good time for me."

I def gave her a side-eye.

[irismorning]

My "favorites" are: "Are they real brothers?"- Yes, they are both my children, "You know what I mean..." - Yes, they are biologically related. "Do they know that they are adopted?"- Yes "Don't you want some of your own?"- They are my own children. and, thankfully only asked once in the children's presence "What do they call you?"- Ummm Mom.

[jwinct]

When we told our families our plan to foster-to-adopt, my SIL said to our faces, "You're crazy." More than once. One of my co-workers also said the same thing. They were the inspiration for this blog post titled "You're Crazy."

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but they should also be respectful of our feelings.

[delenire]

I am not exactly sure what is missing with these "people", Higher education on all things adoption and foster care or tact.

[redandblue]

Good question! We have had a variety of interested responses to our adoption, but the question DH and I get most commonly is "So is she (BM) young?". I find it interesting that it is always the assumption that only young teens decide on adoption plans for their children.

I can't find it right now, but I recently read an article that talks about answering the rude/offensive/too personal questions that adoptive parents get asked (if I can find it, I will post it). Anyway, one of the main points that stood out for me, was the fact that in order to adopt we have to go through a very extensive training and home study process, which provides us with vast knowledge on a variety of topics related to adoption (hopefully touching on them all, or at least provided with the resources to look up information as it comes), but the general population does not have this training. So in general it is a good reminder to think about what my questions might have been prior to all of the training. It always amazes me how people feel they can ask such personal questions once they hear we have adopted! I am still learning to respond with "why do you ask?". That way it helps to know the motivate behind the question (curiosity/nosey/or they have an experience similar and they want to share).

[pinkie]

We really have gotten very few weird questions. The most I've heard is not great adoption language but I know that's just people not knowing. I just casually use the right words back when answering to educate but not make anyone feel bad.

Some people are a little surprised about how open our relationship is with our little guy's BM.

The other thing we get a lot is people saying how lucky our kids are to have us and I just turn it into that we are all lucky that we are a family. Our kids saved us, we didn't save them. That's for sure!

[akafred]

"You don't want to foster older kids; they get set in their ways."

[delenire]

Nov 8, 2015 19:46:32 GMT -5 akafred said:

"You don't want to foster older kids; they get set in their ways."

I would have totally responded with "Just like you and ignorance?"

[roxy]

One of my coworkers got really drunk at an event and asked me if I thought DS knew he was adopted. Um... he moved in with us when he was 9. Yeah, pretty sure he can work that out.

[lizblue]

A drunk friend of a friend, who was about to start IVF, told me she could never adopt because it would feel like "a consolation prize." After I had told her our IF history and that we were waiting to be matched.

Uh, ok asshole.

[akafred]

Nov 10, 2015 13:23:16 GMT -5 roxy said:

One of my coworkers got really drunk at an event and asked me if I thought DS knew he was adopted. Um... he moved in with us when he was 9. Yeah, pretty sure he can work that out.

Lol! My dad made the comment that it is good that she was adopted so young because now we don't have to tell her she was adopted. (He is in his late 70s so culturally I can understand why he would say that even if he is dead wrong). I laughed and said she might ask questions about why her brother (whom we see regularly) lives in a different home.