Working Moms Support Group?

[rugger]

Guys, I need some reassurance and hugs today. The last week and half, R has been pulling on my heart strings. 

If we call to see how the girls are doing at grandma's house, she gets all weepy and says she wants to go home. I stopped by at lunch last week to feed A, and R grabbed the diaper bag and said "I ready to go!" and then teared up when I said I had to go and that she couldn't come with me.
Then in the mornings, she has been clinging to me saying she doesn't want me to go to work, or wants to go with me, or just wants me to stay home and play.  Yesterday, as I was getting dressed, she clung to my leg and said "I don't want you to go to work. I MISS you."  This morning, she refused to let us take her ON diaper off and get her clothes on because she wanted me/us to stay home and play. She was clinging to me, hugging me, saying she wanted me to stay. ugh. I felt so awful!  I told her Mommy and Daddy needed to go to work so we can buy her nice clothes and toys. Her response to "don't you want your clothes and toys?": "No. I want you"  UGHHH. Cue internal breakdown and wishing I could just put my two weeks notice in right then and there!

Seriously, is this just an age thing? She's 2.5. Is it because we just got done with the holidays where S and I were home more often?  It's days like this when I really wish I could just quit my job and stay with them.

Sorry, that was long. I'm just feeling awful. Working moms - have you been through this before? when does it get better?

[rrrrrachel]

I've totally been there. My daughter has gone through phases like this and it is killer. I would think the holidays have something to do with it. I'm sorry I know it's upsetting

Is there a way to help her count down week days until the weekend or something? Just spit balling.

[Stringy]

omg I was just wanting some kind of working moms check-in. Unfortunately I have to work right now so I'll be back!

[meesh]

I wonder if calling and checking in is making it harder for her during this separation anxiety? Is there a reason you have to do that...maybe hold off on it for a little while?

My son is not quite 2 and would do the same thing when I left in the morning. Now he smiles, waves and says "buh-bye".

[rugger]

Jan 15, 2015 13:14:06 GMT -5 meesh said:

I wonder if calling and checking in is making it harder for her during this separation anxiety? Is there a reason you have to do that...maybe hold off on it for a little while?

My son is not quite 2 and would do the same thing when I left in the morning. Now he smiles, waves and says "buh-bye".

We don't normally call to check in. Or at least, I don't. I know S will call his mom randomly if he's between clients just to chat.  Last Friday was the first time in 8 months I have stopped by during the day, and it was only becuase MIL was low on milk and I needed to feed Alex. 

This is the first time she's been like this in over a year. Usually it's (in an excited tone): "we going to grandma's house??" and "byyye" when I'm heading out to work. She loves her Grandma's house, so this is super odd behavior for her.

[rugger]

Jan 15, 2015 13:08:26 GMT -5 rrrrrachel said:

I've totally been there. My daughter has gone through phases like this and it is killer. I would think the holidays have something to do with it. I'm sorry I know it's upsetting

Is there a way to help her count down week days until the weekend or something? Just spit balling.

I did try telling her that in 2 more days, we will both be home, but she still gets Yesterday and Tomorrow mixed up, so I don't think she quite gets the concept of days just yet. She understands "5 minutes" but not "5 days"

[welly01]

That is so tough. We have definitely been through phases like this, but DS is not that vocal yet. I can't imagine how hard it will be when he can start asking and bargaining for me/dad to stay home. I definitely think the holidays had something to do with it. I would also not call to check-in, if that is upsetting her. I would even go as far as to say to just pump instead of go home to nurse, even if its just for a few weeks to help her through this. I hope this phase passes quickly for her (and you!).

[ABobLoblawLawBomb]

I am not a working mom, but A has been feeling this way a lot recently with her dad. I think a lot of it is the age. One thing that helps is making a project specifically for him to see when he gets home.

And other times if she's all emotional about it but I really just need to be getting stuff done, I also will say, 'Oh, won't daddy be so excited to see a nice clean house/nice clean dishes/all the laundry out away when he gets home?' And then she'll get excited and has something to look forward to showing him once he gets home.

I've definitely found that him stopping home during the day is very hit or miss. It either calms her to have seen him or it triggers a huge meltdown when he leaves, so if I know he's coming home, I will have something ready for when he's leaving that I can distract her with (usually. I say I need her help to do something).

Also, we explain that daddy needs to work to pay for our home and to put food in our bellies. Then if she goes down the 'why' path, we can say that those are things we need to live. We had a similar moment of her saying she wanted her dad instead of toys, too.

Good luck. I think it's just really hard for kids because they don't always understand that sometimes when we leave it's a need, not a want.

[welly01]

What about a calendar with stickers? A visual reminder of how many days, so she can keep track?

P.S. Just saw your response, so pretty much disregard my whole post...

[ABobLoblawLawBomb]

Jan 15, 2015 13:21:18 GMT -5 rugger said:

Jan 15, 2015 13:08:26 GMT -5 rrrrrachel said:

I've totally been there. My daughter has gone through phases like this and it is killer. I would think the holidays have something to do with it. I'm sorry I know it's upsetting

Is there a way to help her count down week days until the weekend or something? Just spit balling.

I did try telling her that in 2 more days, we will both be home, but she still gets Yesterday and Tomorrow mixed up, so I don't think she quite gets the concept of days just yet. She understands "5 minutes" but not "5 days"

Oh, and to this, once when J was traveling I made a little felt countdown calendar for her. There were five boxes, and we put a star into a box each day. It helped having a visual thing for her to see that there were two empty boxes before daddy would be home.

I'm actually going to make a new one soon to help her learn the days of the week.

[sarenu]

Distraction is key. You could have a project ready for her, or even simply helping with breakfast.

And avoid check ins. And I would explain work as paying for the home and food, not toys. Make it seem like it is absolutely necessary.

You could also see if she could help grandma with things. Make it more like "but grandma needs your help with such and such activity."

[rockiesnugget]

Hugs

I feel like it is most likely just a stage and it will past, though I know that doesn't make it any easier.

LO is 13 months and while we haven't hit that stage yet, I have noticed that he has been less enthusiastic during daycare drop offs. It used to be no issue, he would smile at the teacher and reach for her when I handed him off. Now he is very serious with no smiles and doesn't reach for his teacher. His old teacher retired and there is a new teacher at dropoff that is only in his room until 8am, so I am putting some of it on that she is new. I think if/when he starts crying, I might not handle it very well.

[freezorburn]

DS is roughly the same age and has days/weeks like that. Last week especially, since it was getting back to our regular routine after the holidays. And all of a sudden he didn't get to see his Dad as much.

I don't work outside the home right now, but DS does go to DC 4 days a week. My approach is partly to power through, but also to be very routine about our drop-off routine. However mundane it is, I always help him off with his coat, we stick his hat in the sleeve and hang it up/put it in his locker. Change into sandals. This is all a la Mr. Rogers hanging up his coat and changing his shoes. And I give him a big hug and tell him I will pick him up after tea, and he should have a fun day.

My other thought is that I had a parents meeting at one of DS's daycares the other day, and we went over where he was with his learning and developmental milestones. And one of the things we discussed is that he may behave differently with them than he does at home, so we should feel free to share our observations/evidence of his development. They gave us a list/chart of things we might want to track. Is it possible grandma could use some guidance in terms of activities that she has ready? Is R feeling engaged with the things she does with grandma? Is R getting social time/play dates with other kids her age?

For us the difference between last week and this week is night and day. When I picked DS up tonight, he was so engrossed in what he was doing it took some coaxing to get him to leave. 

[Crisco Salad]

I have no experience since I'm a FTM. But, I want to offer creepy internet hugs. I hope it gets better soon, I can't imagine how difficult that is.

[Stringy]

I think we are starting to enter this stage. If M could articulate her feelings I'd get that sometimes. She often says "no, no" when I'm going to put on my jacket and leave, and often does the crying/tantrum thing when I first walk in at night (which I attribute to feels that I was gone - if I get silly and play it goes away quickly). BM leaves before she wakes up and is usually the first to get home - I'm not sure how she reacts to her. On days when she is like this I try to give a little more undivided attention and more cuddles at bedtime (ie. letting her rock with me longer or get an extra hug). Cuz she's allowed to feel like that.

The other week I did come home for lunch and it was touchy. I left when it was time for nap and said that nana was going to rest with her. She whined about it but got over it quick. But confusing her like that is probably not a great idea.

Someone gave us a book called Monday is One Day. Its for older kids - M hasn't even seen it. But it shows a different family on each day of the week getting ready for the day - with a parent or parents heading off to work (and work is depicted in a few ways, including dad being out on a tractor). And then Sat and Sun are family days/fun days. A neat idea and I'm sure there is more like that out there.

[Stringy]

Anyway - my own work feelings this week are getting to me. I had a few long/late days this week with some intense team work on a developing project that is really neat. I really enjoy work when things like that happen (vs trying to plow thru a to-do list in my office alone), even the meals out afterwards. But I was home after bedtime one night, and 30 minutes before it the next. I will likely have more days like this in the next few months because things are busy and I owe work hours. (Full time is 35 hours, and I only work 4 days. I rarely work 35 hour weeks but when it gets busy I will make up for it. My boss is awesome and doesn't care so long as it gets done - so I'll be staying late or working at home after bedtime). Then I was offered to teach a class this semester - which would give me a little more money and would be interesting, but require me to be at a different site than my office 2 days a week, and wouldn't remove any of my current responsibilities. If I didn't have a kid I would have said no problem, I'll just work remote and late to catch up. But I do, and I do want to see her and spend time with her. My family will always win over my job, but...its hard to balance.

So in short, work/family balance sucks. And ironically, is really close to exactly what this new project is studying.

[TJ]

Huge, huge hugs ruggles. E is doing the same thing. I think it has a lot to do with both the age (they are able to articulate that they want you to stay and that they miss you) and the holidays (got used to having us around.) As we have gotten more and more into our routine, it has gotten better. But like you, I came home to feed P after getting my tired fixed yesterday, and E was so excited to see me home unexpectedly, that she threw a fit about me leaving.
My good friend made us a countdown calendar for daddy being gone. It's a flower with felt petals. They put the petals on together before he leaves, then each night we take one away. When all the petals are gone, daddy will be home. She is OBSESSED with it. It's the first thing she asks for every morning, and the last thing she does every night. I know it's different with only being gone during the day, but I bet she is old enough to start understanding weekdays and work days, and a calendar might help.
We also do the distraction thing when we leave. The nanny will tell E she needs her help, folding diapers or making a snack, or whatever she can enlist E's help with. E is very big on doing everything "by myself" so asking for her to help is her kryptonite.
Big hugs. It is soo, soo hard.

[rugger]

Jan 15, 2015 13:47:51 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

DS is roughly the same age and has days/weeks like that. Last week especially, since it was getting back to our regular routine after the holidays. And all of a sudden he didn't get to see his Dad as much.

I don't work outside the home right now, but DS does go to DC 4 days a week. My approach is partly to power through, but also to be very routine about our drop-off routine. However mundane it is, I always help him off with his coat, we stick his hat in the sleeve and hang it up/put it in his locker. Change into sandals. This is all a la Mr. Rogers hanging up his coat and changing his shoes. And I give him a big hug and tell him I will pick him up after tea, and he should have a fun day.

My other thought is that I had a parents meeting at one of DS's daycares the other day, and we went over where he was with his learning and developmental milestones. And one of the things we discussed is that he may behave differently with them than he does at home, so we should feel free to share our observations/evidence of his development. They gave us a list/chart of things we might want to track. Is it possible grandma could use some guidance in terms of activities that she has ready? Is R feeling engaged with the things she does with grandma? Is R getting social time/play dates with other kids her age?

For us the difference between last week and this week is night and day. When I picked DS up tonight, he was so engrossed in what he was doing it took some coaxing to get him to leave. 

I think this may be part of the issue, too.  It seems that MIL has not been getting out of the house much, so I think R is getting bored/cooped up. I'm sure it's hard with A needing to nap, but she's also faily unorganized and get flustered easily, so getting out of the house between naps is probably a hard thing for her to do.

We have R in a pre-pre-school class once a week, but the first two weeks were cancelled due to the county schools being cancelled or delayed.  I think that class will help her feel a better sense of a routine, but it is only once a week for an hour and a half.

Also, since Grandma/MIL is not the most organized person, I don't think she's engaging R much during the day. We've bought flash cards for her, suggested different activities, asked her not to allow TV, etc. But I know she's still ending up in front of a computer or iPad or TV at some point throughout the day. I know because toddlers tell you everything.

It's hard b/c MIL loves watching the girls and we save so much having her watch them, but she (MIL) gets stressed out so easily and I think a baby and toddler are too much for her sometimes, even with SIL just down the road with her two kids (3.5 and 5).

[rugger]

Jan 15, 2015 13:28:48 GMT -5 ABobLoblawLawBomb said:

Jan 15, 2015 13:21:18 GMT -5 rugger said:

I did try telling her that in 2 more days, we will both be home, but she still gets Yesterday and Tomorrow mixed up, so I don't think she quite gets the concept of days just yet. She understands "5 minutes" but not "5 days"

Oh, and to this, once when J was traveling I made a little felt countdown calendar for her. There were five boxes, and we put a star into a box each day. It helped having a visual thing for her to see that there were two empty boxes before daddy would be home.

I'm actually going to make a new one soon to help her learn the days of the week.

This is a really neat idea. Maybe that would help. I may have to make a little felt calendar with her this weekend. Now if we could just get MIL to remember to use it...

[Stringy]

That is all interesting stuff rugby - we have that potential situation coming up as M gets older and wants to be out doing things (and our house is small). And we feel that when/if a baby comes along our moms may not be able to handle two. (I mean, they'd survive, but not thrive). Are there any more morning only classes she can go to? Or mixed aged things like music together that MIL can go to with both. I realize it would be tough, though. Playdates when people could come to your/her house so she doesn't have to pack up and leave.

We likely will suck it up and pay for some day care for M next year, regardless of a sibling - just so she can have that routine, social interaction and independent experience.

TJ do you have similar experiences w/E and P? Does E want to get out and do things more? I'll tag you but I realize that may be useless TJ

[TJ]

The nanny is super good about keeping E entertained. Even if they don't leave the house, they do tons of activities. And P's nap times are super E time. I'm not sure how this will work once we leave our nanny. (Sad face.)

[Stringy]

Jan 15, 2015 14:26:25 GMT -5 TJ said:

The nanny is super good about keeping E entertained. Even if they don't leave the house, they do tons of activities. And P's nap times are super E time. I'm not sure how this will work once we leave our nanny. (Sad face.)

Super mom is as good, if not better, than super nanny.


Have her write down all the fun activities she does, if you dont know them already!!!

[rugger]

Jan 15, 2015 14:29:24 GMT -5 Stringy said:

Jan 15, 2015 14:26:25 GMT -5 TJ said:

The nanny is super good about keeping E entertained. Even if they don't leave the house, they do tons of activities. And P's nap times are super E time. I'm not sure how this will work once we leave our nanny. (Sad face.)

Super mom is as good, if not better, than super nanny.


Have her write down all the fun activities she does, if you dont know them already!!!

and send them to me, too, so I can give to MIL!

[freezorburn]

I think this week DS is curious about scissors and paper. We've been watching a Mr. Rogers series where he cuts construction paper into strips and then makes a paper chain, then he hangs it up on the set. And then Mr. McFeely delivers a video showing how construction paper is made in the factory. When I picked DS up today, he was practicing his scissor skills. He's not very coordinated yet, but he was making small cuts in the edges of a piece of paper. And apparently he had been doing that for quite a while. He had gone almost all the way around when I got there. So I think I need to keep an eye out for a pair of toddler-sized scissors that he can have at home.

[rugger]

Thanks for all the support, ladies. Alex has had a low grade fever on and off since last night so everyone has been extra clingy. But they both sat nicely at the dinner table, R scarfed down a soft boiled egg, some rice, and a slice of watermelon. Then I put A to bed early and we played with R happily until bedtime. She always asks for Daddy at bedtime, so I tended to Alex a little more. Really just trying to soak up the time we have together :-)

And thanks for the suggestions on crafts during the day and count down calendars. We'll be making one this weekend!

Hugs and high fives for everyone!