Hair advice for my dd

[dingdongditch]

My dd is 10, and she is a lovely mix of black, native american, german, and irish heritage. She has BEAUTIFUL curls, and has been asking to get a relaxer for over a year because she wants to be able to do her hair on her own instead of relying on me to help comb through it. I am very hesitant to let her do this for many reasons, but mostly because I don't want her to lose her curls! I've tried everything that I can think of to encourage her to love her curls including going to a salon and having her hair dresser spend over an hour showing us tons of different ways that we can style her hair and fun things to do with it. She always goes back to wanting it straight. 

Another part of my hesitation is that I have very straight blonde hair, and I worry that she is wanting it straight to be more like mine. Her hair texture is VERY soft, and her curls are super tight, almost like zig zags rather than curls. This is very similar to what her hair looks like (sorry if this doesn't add it into the post, I'm not sure I'm doing this right)


 

Have any of you ladies had experience with relaxers on someone so young? Or have any suggestions on getting her to back off of wanting to get rid of her curls? 

[Deleted]

Her hair looks similar to my DD's hair. Has she dried blow drying it straight? I brought DD to a salon recently and the stylist said it was possible and that it would last a couple of days. I love my DD's curls and would hate for her to do anything permanent, but she is only 3, so I guess i have a while before she starts asking. How long is her hair? Would you/she be open to trying a straight wig, that way she doesn't damage her real hair, but can have straight hair? I also have straight hair.

[helenahhandbasket]

I don't personally have any experience, but I have always experimented with my hair/ clothes/ personal style and I think you should support her choice.

Yes, 10 is very young, and I know there are some chemicals that are involved with using a relaxer, so maybe the two of you can research the different treatments that are available for her?

Or, is it possible to straighten her hair with a hair dryer/ flat iron? Maybe you could help her blow dry it at night, and then she can go over it in the morning with a flat iron?

It's just hair, but it's her hair. I feel really strongly about that.

[dingdongditch]

Jan 28, 2015 16:21:16 GMT -5 @mamazbo said:

Her hair looks similar to my DD's hair. Has she dried blow drying it straight? I brought DD to a salon recently and the stylist said it was possible and that it would last a couple of days. I love my DD's curls and would hate for her to do anything permanent, but she is only 3, so I guess i have a while before she starts asking. How long is her hair? Would you/she be open to trying a straight wig, that way she doesn't damage her real hair, but can have straight hair? I also have straight hair.

Her hair is the same length as the girl in that picture. We do blow her hair straight and use a flat iron on it once every couple of weeks but it takes forever because her hair is so incredibly thick. I do not think that she would wear a wig. Can't hurt to offer it as a suggestion though! Since she is 10 I want her to have her independence and be confident in her looks. So I'm very torn on what to do for her

[dingdongditch]

Jan 28, 2015 16:28:17 GMT -5 @pobrecita said:

As someone who has lived that life, I would let her do it (as long as it was safe). I struggled with styling my hair for years and years. I now get a Japanese straight perm about twice a year and has improved my quality of life. Not joking.

I've never heard of that, I may have to ask her stylist about it. They said we would need to come in about every 3 months to do her roots. Thanks!

[ladylocksley]

To answer your first question, my mom used to relax my hair when I was young, she started when I was around five or six. I think she did it more because I hated getting my hair combed. It is a lot different now than it was back then. There wasn't youtube back then that could show you how to do different cute styles. There weren't as many products geared towards the care for natural hair and they certainly weren't available in mainstream stores like Target. As far as your 2nd question, does she ever get her hair pressed or flat ironed? I guess I am wondering why she wants it permanently straightened versus having it straightened with heat.

I definitely don't resent my mother for doing what she did because having my hair straight was easier on both of us. I don't, however, think I would perm my daughter's hair if I had a girl. I would tell her no and then explain why: the chemicals in a relaxer are no joke and the risk for chemical burns/bald spots/breakage and other things that can go wrong are definitely not worth the straight hair. Not only that, does she understand that there is no going back with a perm? It cannot be undone, there will be no going back to curly if she is tired of the straight look.

[barnabee]

I used to Japanese perm and it was a life changer. But I do recall lots of chemicals. Pricey too. Not sure if it's the same everywhere.

[Deleted]

Have you ever had her hair blown out? I stopped relaxing my hair about 4 years ago, and just do blow outs. They last until I get it wet. It's not too hard to do myself at home. I use a blow dryer with a brush attachment. It's not salon straight, but it still works pretty well and makes my hair more manageable.

[Deleted]

I second blow outs. Idk what area you're in, but where I'm at Dominican hairdressers are the best at it. Look on YouTube got doobie wraps that's a protective style at night to keep the blowout long as possible.

In between blowouts, try something like flat twists. They're easy, and there are kids of tutorials out there.

[dingdongditch]

ladylocksley she says she wants it permanently straight so she can just do it herself. We do straighten it with a flat iron often but that is still over an hour that she has to sit and have me do her hair. We have explained that she won't be able to go back to curly and her response is that she can use a curling iron or curlers on it if she wants it curly (for the record she would not be using these on her own).

[ladylocksley]

Jan 28, 2015 16:38:13 GMT -5 @pobrecita said:

Jan 28, 2015 16:36:08 GMT -5 ladylocksley said:

To answer your first question, my mom used to relax my hair when I was young, she started when I was around five or six. I think she did it more because I hated getting my hair combed. It is a lot different now than it was back then. There wasn't youtube back then that could show you how to do different cute styles. There weren't as many products geared towards the care for natural hair and they certainly weren't available in mainstream stores like Target. As far as your 2nd question, does she ever get her hair pressed or flat ironed? I guess I am wondering why she wants it permanently straightened versus having it straightened with heat.

I definitely don't resent my mother for doing what she did because having my hair straight was easier on both of us. I don't, however, think I would perm my daughter's hair if I had a girl. I would tell her no and then explain why: the chemicals in a relaxer are no joke and the risk for chemical burns/bald spots/breakage and other things that can go wrong are definitely not worth the straight hair. Not only that, does she understand that there is no going back with a perm? It cannot be undone, there will be no going back to curly if she is tired of the straight look.

Doing it to you and letting you do it are two completely different things.

Also, I've had my hair relaxed several different ways and probably 20 times and I've never had any burns or bald spots.

I also have never had any adverse reactions but that doesn't mean that other people did not or will not. It most definitely can happen and I think that is something to consider.

Also, I am aware that doing it to someone and someone asking for it are two different things, I was trying to let OP know where I was coming from with my POV. My experience was that my mother did it to me when I was younger and I wanted it done when I was older. The latter probably got lost during the many edits of my post.

[dingdongditch]

We use a comb attachment when we straighten it and it works great, but she is wanting to get away from me doing her hair. She wants to be able to grow it out which right now with how tight her curls are her hair just keeps getting bigger rather than longer. We have done twists before and it did not turn out well. Her curls are just too tight and it didn't look right at all.

I know that family members on her dad's side have all stressed to me how important it is to let her have her independence with her hair because she needs to feel confident with it. That being said three of his 5 sisters get their hair relaxed regularly and the other two have very very short hair. So she doesn't really have any role models with natural curly hair around.

[Deleted]

My oldest daughter gets keratin straightening treatments which is supposed to be gentler than traditional relaxers and won't permanently remove her curls. It cuts down blow dry/flat ironing time drastically. It's expensive though.

[Deleted]

I've definitely had scalp burns from traditional relaxers and the first (and last) time I relaxed my daughter's hair it caused so much damage we had to chop off most of her hair.

[dingdongditch]

Jan 28, 2015 16:57:41 GMT -5 @pbfox said:

I've definitely had scalp burns from traditional relaxers and the first (and last) time I relaxed my daughter's hair it caused so much damage we had to chop off most of her hair.

That's scary!

[ladylocksley]

Jan 28, 2015 16:58:41 GMT -5 @pobrecita said:

Jan 28, 2015 16:57:41 GMT -5 @pbfox said:

I've definitely had scalp burns from traditional relaxers and the first (and last) time I relaxed my daughter's hair it caused so much damage we had to chop off most of her hair.

I think it's more about the stylist than the product though.

I second trying a keratin treatment. That might be a medium ground to see how she likes it. They are expensive and don't last, but that could be a good thing.

No. It is definitely the product. The active ingredient is sodium hydroxide which can and literally eat holes into your flesh. Going to a professional may minimize the chance of an adverse reaction but it won't eliminate it.


www.atsdr.cdc.gov/toxfaqs/tf.asp?id=248&tid=45

[dingdongditch]

Her stylist said that she puts something ( I can't remember what now) on the roots and scalp to prevent burns, and that she does the hair in quarters at a time so the relaxer isnt left on for an extended amount of time. And that in the several years she has been doing them she's never had anyone get burnt before.

She did also say that with how tight her curls are she can manipulate the related to just loosen the curls a lot and dd seemed ok with that idea.

[spw123]

I think the important thing to me is that she is asking for it as a way to exert independence which given her age is good. No matter how much I disagreed with her loosing her curls, the benefits for her outweigh my opinion. Independence is good. This is a healthy way to separate from you. It will likely boost her self esteem. All positives. Just take pictures of your little girl before she does it.

[pearlofwisdom]

I would not do a relaxer. For me, I go to a stylist for wash and flat iron. My hair is straight until I wash it again. I didn't read responses. I don't ever intend to let DD get relaxers. I'm not even a natural hair snob.

[pearlofwisdom]

Jan 28, 2015 17:00:42 GMT -5 @pobrecita said:

Or maybe they use something harsher for black hair? I know I've done a few types but the only name I can remember is Japanese straight perm, because that's what I get now. I can't remember what I used to get in HS.

They definitely do but I know the perms for white hair is really strong as well.

[snarkysparklefart]

My DD has similar hair but is only 3.5- so I'm sure we may have this conversation later too. I'm hoping she will embrace her curls, but if not, I totally plan to go with the Dominican dooby wraps PP mentioned. My Hs cousin is a hairdresser and recommended the same.

Also, I saw this the other day and thought it was beautiful, so I'll share it here aplus.com/a/dove-ad-curly-hair-love

[pearlofwisdom]

A Chi flat iron can work wonders. I can't remember what brand I have now. It's not a Chi but I wish I still had one.

[speedymarie]

I had my first perm at 10.

I agree with letting her make her own decision/mistake. She is hitting a age where she wants some independence and control, and this is a good place to try that out. If she hates it she can cut it off and let it grow back. It is not permanent.

[pearlofwisdom]

Jan 28, 2015 17:23:08 GMT -5 speedymarie said:

I had my first perm at 10.

I agree with letting her make her own decision/mistake. She is hitting a age where she wants some independence and control, and this is a good place to try that out. If she hates it she can cut it off and let it grow back. It is not permanent.

When it comes to hair and that process I wouldn't let her make her own decision/mistake.

[pearlofwisdom]

Take her to a good stylist for options.

[pearlofwisdom]

There's also straightening combs.

[dingdongditch]

Jan 28, 2015 17:20:28 GMT -5 pearlofwisdom said:

A Chi flat iron can work wonders. I can't remember what brand I have now. It's not a Chi but I wish I still had one.

We have a chi specifically for her hair and it does work great. It's just the process of me still having to do it and the several hours it takes to do it that she isn't a fan of.

[dingdongditch]

These are all great points ladies, thank you so much for your input!

[runnergirl812]

Chiming in. My hair looks exactly like that picture. I'm have some looser curls in the back and top, tighter almost zig zag but tight curly q curls every where else. I had a relaxer for years, since I was 7. Then 2 years ago, I stopped and did the big chop. Now, whenever I flat iron my hair, it's longer than it ever was relaxed.

Relaxers weren't good for me for a number of reasons. My hair is fine and low density, meaning the strand is finer and I don't have a lot of strands on my head compared to most. Relaxers did start to thin my hair out. They are also expensive. I was spending $80-100 every 10 weeks to get it retouched and trimmed. I also could not get my hair wet, it would lessen the length I could go in between retouches. Because I started to run and swim, this became a big issue. Sweating out an expensive relaxer can happen. Lastly, I've noticed that my back and facial acne (from the products I used) was more when I had a relaxer. I'm not trying to discourage you, but just know what could happen.

Now. Would I allow my 10 year old to do one? Probably not. If she were older, I'd say yes. Even if she gets one, you will still at 10 yrs old be doing her hair. It will cut down on time, yes, but you will still have to help AND you will be spending 2+ hrs every couple months getting retouches and trims. At some point if she decides she'd like to go back natural, she will have to cut it off. Some people grow it out a bit and then the big chop isn't as drastic, but it still takes time. There is no reversing a relaxer. It's permanent.

To help out, try some different products. I could go through my whole regimen, and products if you'd like. Like I said my hair looks like that picture. It's barely touching my shoulders and grow out not down. :-) I use Tresemme Naturals conditioner to wash, no shampoo, and I deep condition with Aubrey organics GPB conditioner and coconut oil mixed once a month. My favorite line is the Kinky Curly products. I use both the KInky Kurly Knot Today and the Curling Custard. Usually I wash every 3 days, and just use a silk scarf every night. The two days after wash day, I refluff with some water and EcoStyler gel, and out the door I go. It takes me 15 min on wash day to put in the KKKT and KKCC, I'm sections, and on non wash days, it's less than 5 minutes to spray with water, refluff, and slick down any edges with gel.

This style allows me to get my hair wet, run, swim, and get out the door quickly. I also added it up. I spent $230 on hair care product last year, compared with loads more when I had a relaxer.

So to sum up, I would say no for now. But I would try to learn her hair. KimmyKay Tube, Naptural85 and others are great on YouTube. There's tons of products now in stores like Target to try. I feel for her. As a kid you don't want to be the one who sticks out. So if her friends all have straight hair, then that's what she wants. It's hard. But I still think she's too young for a relaxer IMO. It won't hurt per se, but there are definite risks. I too have experienced scalp burns when it was put in by a professional. It happens. Those chemicals are harsh and if not done correctly, can cause all the things PP have mentioned. I'm open to PM, so if you have questions, feel free to PM me.

HTH.

[Deleted]

Jan 28, 2015 17:32:41 GMT -5 @pobrecita said:

Is anyone actually reading the thread? LOL.

PoW didn't. As per LOL.