TTCAL Check-In 10/20

[notagoddess]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

GTKY: We're coming up on the holiday season. Will your loss experience affect your celebrations in any way?

[notagoddess]

How are you doing? Pretty well

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Resected uterine septum

Updates/questions: I'm in my favorite part of my cycle - early in the TWW. I'm not stressing about hitting enough days in my FW and it's much too early to think about testing. 

Debbie downer (a place to vent): It's my last chance to be pregnant before my loss date. The last thing I need is additional pressure, but it's hard not to notice.

GTKY: We're coming up on the holiday season. Will your loss experience affect your celebrations in any way? I had my loss a week before Thanksgiving last year, but I celebrated the holidays like normal so that I wouldn't let my family down and make things difficult for other people. I honestly wish we took the year off of holidays last year. Now, the experience has soured me on holidays and I am dreading them already. 

The one thing we did last year was not hang any normal ornaments on our tree. Instead, we just hung this:

[kayladawn91]

How are you doing? Eh, okay I guess.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC (Cycle 6 AL)

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: Nope

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I actually don't have one this week. I'm trying to stay positive this cycle.

GTKY: Well I found out I was going to miscarry the week before Thanksgiving last year and I was waiting to miscarry all through the holiday season. We celebrated with our families like normal since no one knew about the pregnancy/loss. I plan on celebrating like normal again. But I've been thinking that I want to add some sort of ornament to our tree this year in memory of our angel baby. We're going to Frankenmuth this weekend so I'm going to look there at Bronners. If I don't find anything then I'll make something.

[doodler]

How are you doing? *** Children and Pregnancy mentioned**
Rough week. I am really struggling in general. Things that are not that big of a deal are causing high anxiety and I'm having a hard time getting myself out of the funk. BFF getting pregnant is not helping. Now I am in a cycle where I am happy for her, then I get sad, then I feel guilty about not just being happy for her. I'm not 100% present for DH or my son and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to make it stop. I guess I just need more time.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions: Nope

Debbie downer (a place to vent): See above.

GTKY: We're coming up on the holiday season. Will your loss experience affect your celebrations in any way?
Yes. Right now I can't get past the sad part. I am a planner, so in my head I knew that I would be finding out the sex right before Thanksgiving and we would be announcing it then. I would have been 25 weeks at Christmas and had already started looking at Christmas maternity shirts with cute sayings. Our upcoming photo shoot would have had cute pictures of DS and the bump for our Christmas cards.

See, I'm a mess! Thanks for letting me vent today.

[notagoddess]

doodler, that's really tough. Please be nice to yourself during this time. Remember that you miscarried so recently and your emotions are very raw still.

[LadyNymeria]

notagoddess - I'm sorry your loss has affected how the Holidays make you feel. It's completely understandable, but I'm still sorry it has. I hope you find a way for them to be happy for you again.

kayladawn91 - I love the idea of getting an ornament for your angel baby.

doodler - Hugs. Please try not to feel guilty about being sad. I think it's great you've been able to find happiness for your BFF, so please don't beat yourself up for being sad too. Try to take it easy on yourself and be sure to give yourself as much time as you need to to grieve. I think once you give yourself the time you need, it will be easier for you to be there 100% for your DS and H.

[LadyNymeria]

How are you doing? I'm ok. Better now that this cycle seems to be a normal one so far.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a

Updates/questions: I was so anxious before O-ing because I had no idea what to expect, but now that I have and it's been a pretty normal cycle so far I'm feeling much better. All the crazy anxiousness has been replaced with simple impatience, which I can handle.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Nothing right now.

GTKY: We're coming up on the holiday season. Will your loss experience affect your celebrations in any way? I plan to celebrate as normal. I had been looking forward to announcing the sex at Thanksgiving, but I don't plan to let that make me sad.

I think it helps that my loss was pretty recent so it didn't cross over any big holidays. For me I think my b-day next year will be tougher - I found out the day after my b-day this year there was no heartbeat. I know MH will make sure it's a good day for me no matter what.

[daystardreams]

notagoddess FX this is your cycle and I love that ornament.

doodler My BFF got pregnant right after my first loss and it was really hard. It still is really hard. Her baby was born on my baby's EDD and her first birthday is coming up this weekend. It's so hard to be happy for others during loss ((hugs))

LadyNymeria I'm glad this cycle is looking good for you, FX!

Status: NTNP for the rest of this cycle, actively trying next cycle.

Diagnosis: PCOS

Updates: Eh, DH hasn't been feeling this cycle. I don't think he has any faith in natural cycles. My usual FW would be over by now and if I followed my usual pattern we had no timing whatsoever. Oh well, NTNP is really not for me and I'm glad we'll be back to usual soon.

Debbie Downer: Oh man with the OPPs. We had a fundraiser event this weekend and a client from our business stopped by. I heard her say "What is everybody at this place pregnant?" Luckily, she wasn't talking to me. We had five people working our booth, three of them are pregnant.

GTKY: I associate all my losses heavily with the holidays. My first was due on my birthday which is also Halloween. I lost the second on Christmas morning and the third was conceived on July 4th (or maybe 5th) and was due on Easter. Holidays are rough for me. However, I'll celebrate the same as always. Luckily we've only had one new baby in the last four years and it's parents never come to family gatherings so I should be safe!

[mosdub]

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTA/Benched

Diagnosis (if applicable): Following hCG to <5 following a partial molar pregnancy in April

Updates/questions: Nadda

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I'm really not sad about it, but today this elderly woman who occasionally helps out at my work ran into me and said "I just keep hoping you will have a baby soon!". I just replied "It will be a while still!" Come on, you'd think after all these years living life you'd know that you don't always know someone's situation and maybe you should keep it as a simple "I've been thinking of you, hope you're doing well". Response in my head: "Wish I could have a baby soon too, but I'm too busy worrying about my next blood draw and whether I will need chemo!" But, she meant well so I didn't say it.

GTKY: We're coming up on the holiday season. Will your loss experience affect your celebrations in any way? I've thought about this and...not sure yet. Halloween won't but Christmas might. I got my bfp right before Christmas and had to fake-drink all during the celebrations last year including new years. This year will be some re-living of that I guess.

[mosdub]

doodler I'm so sorry. I get the planner thing. I bought a cute shirt for summer that had a beach ball on the belly since I was due in August. I feel like this whole summer was a drag and every memory I made had this heavy rain cloud over it that no one could see but me. I get it and I'm sorry and I want to give you a hug. It's okay to feel sad about your friend's healthy pregnancy. It's okay to acknowledge how it's not fair even though you are happy for her.

I think what helped me somewhat was to re-imagine the milestones. It didn't make the hurt go away, but I guess it somewhat mentally/emotionally prepared me a little bit.

[LadyNymeria]

mosdub - I'm sorry she said that, but I'm happy for you that you're in a place mentally/emotionally that it didn't really make you sad.

pippacricket - Good luck tomorrow!!

[wannabmama]

How are you doing? Ok

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): just got word from RE that H's SA was not good. She said she thinks she can get us pregnant, though, so we're holding onto hope. We do first IUI this month.

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent): just having conflicting emotions about going to IUI; had a long (for me) LP this month that got my hopes up, only to be dashed the same day as my re appt. When she suggested we go straight to IVF I had a meltdown. I know that's likely our next step but I need to ease myself and H into that.

GTKY: We're coming up on the holiday season. Will your loss experience affect your celebrations in any way? Our EDD was around Tgiving of this year so I know that'll be hard, especially if we aren't KU this year and with all the family questions that are sure to come. One of H's sisters is trying now too and I just have a feeling she'll be announcing something this holiday season, so I'm bracing for that a bit.

[notagoddess]

pippacricket, best of luck at the RE tomorrow. I hope you get a plan for going forward.

mosdub, I know people mean the best, but they should know better.

daystardreams, sorry so many holidays will have a tinge of sadness for you.

LadyNymeria, I'm glad your cycle is regulating itself. FX!

kayladawn91, I hope you find the right ornament this weekend. I truly hope this cycle is it for you.

[LadyNymeria]

Hugs wannabmama. I'm sorry about the SA results. I hope the first IUI is all you need and i hope you don't have to deal with any Holiday announcements.

[notagoddess]

wannabmama, I'm so sorry about the bad news at the RE. I'm sure CD 1 on that day after a long LP didn't help things. Both IUI and IVF are such a big transition. I hope Thanksgiving is not made extra difficult by any announcements in the family.

[wannabmama]

notagoddess I love that ornament, very sweet. I hope the holidays get better for you.
kayladawn91 that must have been very hard going through that last year. The holidays seem to amplify everything. I hope you find a nice memorial ornament or something else special.
doodler so many hugs, I'm having some hard time dealing with BFF pregnant with #3 in four years...she's also the person who knows the most about my own struggles so I'm so grateful for her but it's definitely hard. Take care of yourself and give yourself lots of time to heal.
LadyNymeria I hope your cycle is normalizing and you can continue to feel better!
daystardreams so sorry so many things are tied to holidays for you. I'm glad you are able to get back to ttc next cycle!
mosdub I'll never get over the things people say related to baby making and even health in general. The world will know when I'm having a baby once I'm ready to tell the world, until then...back off!
pippacricket good luck with the RE! Hope the results are reassuring and you can get a plan!

[peaseblossom55]

How are you doing? I've been pretty down this week, not even sure why. I think I'm coming out of it though

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): benched hopefully only for 5 more days

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, hopefully starting the femara on Wednesday after the hysteroscopy

Updates/questions: none really

Debbie downer (a place to vent): The question How are you is such a loaded question at this point. Part of me just want to say ok or hanging in there. Part of me wants to say my heart is forever broken and nothing in the world will ever be the same and just sob and sob

GTKY: We're coming up on the holiday season. Will your loss experience affect your celebrations in any way? Anneliese was due 1/1/16, everybody was guessing she would come early and be a Christmas baby. So it will be a hard time as I near her EDD. I should have been fat and pregnant and so close to meeting her. I hope so so much I will be pregnant before Christmas, I think it would give hope to the new year and have some good news to share with our families. I want to buy her an ornament, and a small stocking for the fireplace with her name. I also want to buy her some toys like I would have for Christmas this year then donate them to toys for tots for the holidays. I haven't talked to H about that part yet.

[peaseblossom55]

pippacricket Good luck with the RE
@wannabmamma I hope the iui works on the first try
@doodler I'm so sorry, sending lots of hugs. I was so excited about Christmas this year too
notagoddess what a beautiful ornament

[doodler]

peaseblossom55- your debbie downer....you put into words how I feel too. Sometimes I wish this whole group could just get together and hug it out.

[wannabmama]

peaseblossom55 sending a hug. I said it before, but it's so hard when sad things are tied to the holidays. I love the idea of donating to toys for tots, what a nice way to honor her memory.

[LadyNymeria]

Many hugs peaseblossom55. I wish you strength as we approach the end of the year. I love the ideas for the ornament, stocking, and toys - they sound like a wonderful way to remember her.

[LadyNymeria]

Sorry for no answers pippacricket. Good luck figuring everything out.

[peaseblossom55]

Oct 22, 2015 7:00:21 GMT -5 doodler said:

peaseblossom55- your debbie downer....you put into words how I feel too. Sometimes I wish this whole group could just get together and hug it out.

Big group hug would be awesome.

[peaseblossom55]

pippacricket wow good luck and keep us posted on the progress.

[wannabmama]

pippacricket yikes that's a lot to take in and process. I hope your boss is amenable, at least, if you do go for it this year! That's a huge stress for me...how to get to all the appointments! Good luck figuring out, cheering for you'

[kayladawn91]

Hugs to everyone that needs them!