TTCAL Check-In 10/27

[notagoddess]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

GTKY: TTCAL is a process filled with anxiety. What are your best strategies for dealing with the anxiety?

[notagoddess]

How are you doing? Good in general, but the TTC process has been weighing on me. My emotions are all over the place.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC - testing tomorrow!

Diagnosis (if applicable): Resected uterine septum

Updates/questions: It's been difficult to control the crazy this TWW. But my temps are down a bit, so that is keeping my expectations more in check.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): If I'm not pregnant this cycle, I have to go through my loss anniversary without having another baby on the way.

GTKY: TTCAL is a process filled with anxiety. What are your best strategies for dealing with the anxiety? I've always had problems with severe anxiety. I've been in treatment for it for a long time. But day to day, my favorite ways to relax are going into nature or doing yoga. Having and achieving non-baby-related goals is also helpful. At least my life is going somewhere!

[akraus2015]

Hi ladies! My check ins have been a little sporadic lately, but I hope everyone is doing well!

How are you doing? I'm doing pretty well this week. I think my time off work was really helpful in easing me back into a healthy routine, and I'm glad to say that I am back at work full-time as of today!

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):. TTC, currently 3DPO

Diagnosis (if applicable):. N/A

Updates/questions: None today.

Debbie downer (a place to vent):. Nothing today...yay!

GTKY: TTCAL is a process filled with anxiety. What are your best strategies for dealing with the anxiety? Speaking with my therapist has been a good way to identify triggers and remove myself from situations that will make me feel anxious or sad. Also setting small goals and taking one day at a time.

[doodler]

How are you doing? I'm having a much better week.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC- 6dpo

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: Nothing, just trying to stay as not crazy as possible during this first TWW.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I think I'm good right this minute!

GTKY: TTCAL is a process filled with anxiety. What are your best strategies for dealing with the anxiety? Same as with my normal anxiety....exercise and reading. It's really hard to motivate myself to exercise right now though.

[LadyNymeria]

How are you doing? I'm ok. See below for details.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a

Updates/questions: **BFP (not mine) mentioned** That really good friend of mine who has been super supportive through my loss got a BFP this morning. I am SOOOOOO happy for her!!! A bit jealous of course, but since she's been so awesome to me there's not a single bit of me that isn't 100% thrilled for her. She even stopped mid-celebratory texts to make sure I was doing ok - because even though I had told her I would be ok (whenever she got pregnant) she was still worried about me. She really is an awesome friend.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Of course ^the above^ took away every ounce of self control I had so I tested this morning too. I'm only 11DPO so of course it was a stark white BFN. Obviously I'm bummed as hell, but it's not over until it's over, and I knew 11DPO was early. So now I'm browsing FF charts that had a - at 11DPO followed by a + later.

GTKY: TTCAL is a process filled with anxiety. What are your best strategies for dealing with the anxiety? I just try to keep busy (even if being "busy" is just relaxing with a book, movie, or show) and I come on here and talk to you all when keeping busy doesn't work.

[LadyNymeria]

notagoddess - I'm sorry your loss anniversary is approaching. I'm keeping my FX for you for this cycle.

akraus2015 - I'm happy to hear the time off from work really helped you and that you're doing well this week!! Good luck back at work!

danib - I'm sorry you're dealing with so many babies and BFPs IRL. Hugs. Good luck with the job hunt.

doodler - I'm glad you're doing better this week. I'm also finding it difficult to not go crazy during the TWW. It sucks.

[kayladawn91]

Hey ladies!

How are you doing? Alright.

Status: TTC, CD14

Updates/questions: Nope

Debbie Downer: Nothing right now.

GTKY: I took a break from the boards and BBT this past weekend when H and I went to Frankenmuth. It was so nice to just get away and not think about the TTC process. Sex was even more enjoyable without all of the stress associated with temping and TTC. I really needed that break from thinking about things and H and I needed to reconnect and have fun. This month was a year since I found out I was pregnant and the last year has just been a rollercoaster. We needed that time to just be together and I'm so glad I made the decision to leave my BBT at home and just forget about it all, even for just a weekend. I realized that I probably need to do that more often to keep myself less stressed out.

[akraus2015]

danib, hugs lady! Seeing all those BFP's can be hard sometimes. Remove yourself from the triggers (Facebook, etc.) for a little while if you need to.

doodler, that first TWW is a bitch... LadyNymeria and I were just there. Hang in there!!

LadyNymeria, kudos to you for being such an awesome friend! I'm glad you are able to be supportive for her!

kayladawn91, I'm glad you got some away time with your hubby!

[LadyNymeria]

kayladawn91 - That's great the trip gave you a break. Sometimes it's really helpful to just get away from everything for a while.

[notagoddess]

akraus2015, woohoo to feeling better and being able to go back to work! I hope things continue on a positive trajectory.

danib, I've become bitter too when faced with OPPs. I hate that about myself. I try to be happy but I'm (at best) just so sad for myself. 

doodler, exercise and reading are both great ways to deal with anxiety. I've been slacking on exercise too, I need to get back to that more. FX for your TWW!

LadyNymeria, that's wonderful you were able to find pure happiness for your friend! Sorry for the BFN, but you're definitely not out yet. FX!

kayladawn91, I'm glad you were able to reconnect with your H after a tough year. Can you make weekends away a more regular thing, like every 2-3 months?
 

[akraus2015]

Okay, when I said I didn't have a Debbie Downer today, I apparently spoke too soon. Just logged onto Facebook and saw this:

ETA  Trigger Warning:  Assholes?!  I don't even know...

SPOILER: Click to show

I couldn't help myself. I responded.

[notagoddess]

Oct 27, 2015 10:08:22 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Okay, when I said I didn't have a Debbie Downer today, I apparently spoke too soon. Just logged onto Facebook and saw this:

ETA  Trigger Warning:  Assholes?!  I don't even know...

SPOILER: Click to show

I couldn't help myself. I responded.

Bleh. That sounds like someone I would unfollow ASAP.

What'd you say?

[LadyNymeria]

Ugh...I hate shit like that akraus2015. Not funny in the least. What did you say back?

[akraus2015]

Oct 27, 2015 10:12:46 GMT -5 notagoddess said:

Oct 27, 2015 10:08:22 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Okay, when I said I didn't have a Debbie Downer today, I apparently spoke too soon. Just logged onto Facebook and saw this:

ETA  Trigger Warning:  Assholes?!  I don't even know...

SPOILER: Click to show

I couldn't help myself. I responded.

Bleh. That sounds like someone I would unfollow ASAP.

What'd you say?

I said "I know you were trying to make a joke, but from someone who just lost a baby, this is not funny."

[LadyNymeria]

Oct 27, 2015 11:08:33 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Oct 27, 2015 10:12:46 GMT -5 notagoddess said:

Bleh. That sounds like someone I would unfollow ASAP.

What'd you say?

I said "I know you were trying to make a joke, but from someone who just lost a baby, this is not funny."

I hope that seriously makes them stop and think about what an asshole thing those "jokes" are.

[akraus2015]

Oct 27, 2015 11:19:21 GMT -5 LadyNymeria said:

Oct 27, 2015 11:08:33 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

I said "I know you were trying to make a joke, but from someone who just lost a baby, this is not funny."

I hope that seriously makes them stop and think about what an asshole thing those "jokes" are.

I know, that's what I was hoping.  And the thing is, I'm sure she's seen me posting things on Facebook about October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support month.  I was posting the Capture Your Grief photos every day for awhile.  She's a former co-worker and I was always friendly with her, and I'm sure she has 1000 other FB friends, so I know it isn't all about me, but you would think that it would at least make her stop and think, "I wonder how many other people are suffering similar losses in silence; maybe I should think twice before I say obnoxious things."

[daystardreams]

notagoddess Good luck with testing and FX for this cycle.

akraus2015 I'm glad you got the time off you needed and are happy to be back to work! A friend of mine posted that too a few months ago. I thought about saying something but we aren't really even friends so I just unfriended her.

danib I quit the job I hated about a year ago after my second loss. I took a pretty big pay cut but I couldn't be happier. I hope you find a job that works better for you soon!

doodler I'm glad your week is good and FX for this cycle for you!

LadyNymeria ((hugs)) It's so hard to be happy and sad about something at the same time. Hopefully you'll be joining her soon!

kayladawn91 I'm glad you got a break. I've been taking a break from temping too. It's good to not have been worrying about it but I'm glad to be getting back to knowing about my cycle too!

How are you doing?

I'm ok. Anxious to be getting back to really TTC soon.

Status: NTNP, CD 30 though I have no plans to test this cycle.

Updates: my husband got his SA back yesterday and of course, my doctor is out of town apparently so I can't find out what any of it means until Monday!

Debbie Downer: My first baby would be about a year old now. (It's EDD was 10/31/14) The second baby would be two months old and I should be 20 weeks pregnant. Thinking about how old they should be always brings me down.

GTKY: This isn't something I'm good at. I feel like knowing my cycle helps with anxiety. Knowing what days I need to have sex on and when I can test, make it easier for me. However, controlling the fears of what to do after I get a BFP is way out of my league. PGAL me is a crazy person for sure!

[LadyNymeria]

Oct 27, 2015 12:10:32 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Oct 27, 2015 11:19:21 GMT -5 LadyNymeria said:

I hope that seriously makes them stop and think about what an asshole thing those "jokes" are.

I know, that's what I was hoping.  And the thing is, I'm sure she's seen me posting things on Facebook about October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support month.  I was posting the Capture Your Grief photos every day for awhile.  She's a former co-worker and I was always friendly with her, and I'm sure she has 1000 other FB friends, so I know it isn't all about me, but you would think that it would at least make her stop and think, "I wonder how many other people are suffering similar losses in silence; maybe I should think twice before I say obnoxious things."

I was thinking the same thing about how it's even worse that she did that considering it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss month. I might mention that if she gives you any grief about your reply. But I really just hope she "gets" it now - that it's just not funny and can be really hurtful to others.

[akraus2015]

Oct 27, 2015 14:04:22 GMT -5 LadyNymeria said:

Oct 27, 2015 12:10:32 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

I was thinking the same thing about how it's even worse that she did that considering it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss month. I might mention that if she gives you any grief about your reply. But I really just hope she "gets" it now - that it's just not funny and can be really hurtful to others.

She ended up sending me a message apologizing, saying that she never intended to upset me, and that she thinks of and prays for my husband and me every night.  I told her that I knew she didn't mean any harm, but explained how things like that can hurt people and you might not even know it.  That there are so many people suffering in silence, that she has no idea how many people could have been hurt or unnecessarily triggered by her silly joke.  And that what to her is just a silly joke, for some people is a harsh reality and a very sensitive topic.

[LadyNymeria]

Oct 27, 2015 14:57:55 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Oct 27, 2015 14:04:22 GMT -5 LadyNymeria said:

She ended up sending me a message apologizing, saying that she never intended to upset me, and that she thinks of and prays for my husband and me every night.  I told her that I knew she didn't mean any harm, but explained how things like that can hurt people and you might not even know it.  That there are so many people suffering in silence, that she has no idea how many people could have been hurt or unnecessarily triggered by her silly joke.  And that what to her is just a silly joke, for some people is a harsh reality and a very sensitive topic.

Without knowing her at all, I'm impressed by her reaction. I'm glad she apologized. Sounds like she'll be more aware now.

[mosdub]

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched/TTA

Diagnosis (if applicable): Finally hit negative hCG TODAY after 6+ long months of it dropping following a partial molar pregnancy.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Holy shit. I've never felt so many conflicting emotions I feel like a mess.
Relief: Relief that my hCG has finally hit NEGATIVE. Relief that I will most likely not need chemo for this. Relief that we can finally have SOME idea as to when we can safely ttc again.
Anger: Why the fuck did this happen again? Why does this shit happen to people?
Frustration: It's not over. I still need to do monthly blood draws to guarantee the tumor/tissue is gone.
Frustration 2: Doctor is insistent on me waiting a YEAR before trying to conceive again. This feels excessive but of course I'll follow his advice.
Grief: I could have been going to that Mom 2 Mom sale this weekend. I could have had a healthy pregnancy but I didn't. I could have had a miscarriage that didn't result in me being in fear of cancer for 6+ months. I could have gotten pregnant again by now if it weren't for this crazy rare diagnosis.
Relief: But I'm moving forward. This part is over. Now for the 12 month wait.
Fear: I so want to ttc again but I'm scared. I am so scared of this happening again (my chances are 1 in 100 of this happening again because it has happened once already). I'm scared of loss again.


GTKY: TTCAL is a process filled with anxiety. What are your best strategies for dealing with the anxiety? Keeping busy. Venting when appropriate. Doing things I like doing - drawing, playing ukulele, playing games. Eating (not a healthy choice, but I do it). Getting out of the house and around friends (sometimes hard to do when you're feeling anxious).

[mosdub]

Oct 27, 2015 10:08:22 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Okay, when I said I didn't have a Debbie Downer today, I apparently spoke too soon. Just logged onto Facebook and saw this:

ETA  Trigger Warning:  Assholes?!  I don't even know...

SPOILER: Click to show

I couldn't help myself. I responded.

  

ETA: I caught up and saw your response - glad she apologized 

[LadyNymeria]

Oct 27, 2015 15:33:22 GMT -5 mosdub said:

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched/TTA

Diagnosis (if applicable): Finally hit negative hCG TODAY after 6+ long months of it dropping following a partial molar pregnancy.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Holy shit. I've never felt so many conflicting emotions I feel like a mess.
Relief: Relief that my hCG has finally hit NEGATIVE. Relief that I will most likely not need chemo for this. Relief that we can finally have SOME idea as to when we can safely ttc again.
Anger: Why the fuck did this happen again? Why does this shit happen to people?
Frustration: It's not over. I still need to do monthly blood draws to guarantee the tumor/tissue is gone.
Frustration 2: Doctor is insistent on me waiting a YEAR before trying to conceive again. This feels excessive but of course I'll follow his advice.
Grief: I could have been going to that Mom 2 Mom sale this weekend. I could have had a healthy pregnancy but I didn't. I could have had a miscarriage that didn't result in me being in fear of cancer for 6+ months. I could have gotten pregnant again by now if it weren't for this crazy rare diagnosis.
Relief: But I'm moving forward. This part is over. Now for the 12 month wait.
Fear: I so want to ttc again but I'm scared. I am so scared of this happening again (my chances are 1 in 100 of this happening again because it has happened once already). I'm scared of loss again.


GTKY: TTCAL is a process filled with anxiety. What are your best strategies for dealing with the anxiety? Keeping busy. Venting when appropriate. Doing things I like doing - drawing, playing ukulele, playing games. Eating (not a healthy choice, but I do it). Getting out of the house and around friends (sometimes hard to do when you're feeling anxious).

All the hugs for you mosdub. I'm really happy for you that your hCG is finally down. Did you ever mention what the specialist you emailed said to your doctor?

[akraus2015]

Oh mosdub, sending you all the hugs lady. I'm so glad your levels are down to zero, but I totally understand feeling all the feels. It sucks, and can be confusing to have such conflicting emotions. All of those things you are feeling are completely normal, and completely justified. I'll be keeping your in my thoughts and prayers.

[mosdub]

Oct 27, 2015 15:45:31 GMT -5 LadyNymeria said:

Oct 27, 2015 15:33:22 GMT -5 mosdub said:

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched/TTA

Diagnosis (if applicable): Finally hit negative hCG TODAY after 6+ long months of it dropping following a partial molar pregnancy.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Holy shit. I've never felt so many conflicting emotions I feel like a mess.
Relief: Relief that my hCG has finally hit NEGATIVE. Relief that I will most likely not need chemo for this. Relief that we can finally have SOME idea as to when we can safely ttc again.
Anger: Why the fuck did this happen again? Why does this shit happen to people?
Frustration: It's not over. I still need to do monthly blood draws to guarantee the tumor/tissue is gone.
Frustration 2: Doctor is insistent on me waiting a YEAR before trying to conceive again. This feels excessive but of course I'll follow his advice.
Grief: I could have been going to that Mom 2 Mom sale this weekend. I could have had a healthy pregnancy but I didn't. I could have had a miscarriage that didn't result in me being in fear of cancer for 6+ months. I could have gotten pregnant again by now if it weren't for this crazy rare diagnosis.
Relief: But I'm moving forward. This part is over. Now for the 12 month wait.
Fear: I so want to ttc again but I'm scared. I am so scared of this happening again (my chances are 1 in 100 of this happening again because it has happened once already). I'm scared of loss again.


GTKY: TTCAL is a process filled with anxiety. What are your best strategies for dealing with the anxiety? Keeping busy. Venting when appropriate. Doing things I like doing - drawing, playing ukulele, playing games. Eating (not a healthy choice, but I do it). Getting out of the house and around friends (sometimes hard to do when you're feeling anxious).

All the hugs for you mosdub. I'm really happy for you that your hCG is finally down. Did you ever mention what the specialist you emailed said to your doctor?

Kind of - I talked through the OB nurse.  I told her about the specialist and she said she would talk to my doc and get back to me.  He ended up saying he's sticking with the 12 month recommendation but will revisit the conversation at 6 months.  

[peaseblossom55]

Oct 27, 2015 10:08:22 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Okay, when I said I didn't have a Debbie Downer today, I apparently spoke too soon. Just logged onto Facebook and saw this:

ETA  Trigger Warning:  Assholes?!  I don't even know...

SPOILER: Click to show

I couldn't help myself. I responded.

WTEF?

[peaseblossom55]

mosdub Lots of hugs to you today


How are you doing? I am ok the past few days have been an emotional roller coaster.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched...

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS

Updates/questions: So Friday I got a call from my RE prolactin levels are high so he wants me to get a brain MRI, it's scheduled for early Thursday morning. Also he had the results of the DNA test H & I had of ourselves 3 weeks ago, mine is fine. H has a pericentric inversion of chromosome 9, so I'm not sure exactly what it will mean for us. I think it may just put us as a higher risk for miscarriage. So my RE wanted us to meet with a geneticist. We are doing that Thursday afternoon. My RE doesn't think we will need to go to IVF.
So today was the hyteroscopy, it went well it was quick. I'm just tired and hungry. RE gave me some estrogen to help the healing, he just cleaned up some scar tissue. He actually said I am more fertile for having this done. We spoke a bit before going in for the procedure. He wants me to give him a call on Friday to possibly start the femara in a few days!!! So hopefully this is true and everything else goes ok.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): None really, just hoping this is the last week of all of this testing.

GTKY: TTCAL is a process filled with anxiety. What are your best strategies for dealing with the anxiety? Not TTC yet but any anxiety I try to call with keeping busy reading, video games anything to refocus my mind. Also yoga is wonderful, my therapist has helped as well. I hope I can continue to use these strategies when we are TTC.

[LadyNymeria]

Oct 27, 2015 19:05:59 GMT -5 mosdub said:

Oct 27, 2015 15:45:31 GMT -5 LadyNymeria said:

All the hugs for you mosdub. I'm really happy for you that your hCG is finally down. Did you ever mention what the specialist you emailed said to your doctor?

Kind of - I talked through the OB nurse.  I told her about the specialist and she said she would talk to my doc and get back to me.  He ended up saying he's sticking with the 12 month recommendation but will revisit the conversation at 6 months.  

I really hope for you he decides the 6 is enough. I'm so sorry you have more time to wait.

[mosdub]

Oct 27, 2015 21:12:08 GMT -5 LadyNymeria said:

Oct 27, 2015 19:05:59 GMT -5 mosdub said:

Kind of - I talked through the OB nurse.  I told her about the specialist and she said she would talk to my doc and get back to me.  He ended up saying he's sticking with the 12 month recommendation but will revisit the conversation at 6 months.  

I really hope for you he decides the 6 is enough. I'm so sorry you have more time to wait.

Thanks - I'm a part of some other molar pregnancy groups and it seems like the 12 month wait is pretty dated if you didn't require chemo for hCG to go down.  That specialist recommended 3 months.  I think I can make peace with a 6 month wait because that would bring me to right around my loss date and I think it might be cathartic to NTNP around that time.  Or maybe not.  I don't know!  If I have to wait the full 12 months I will be TTA through my loss date AND through our EDD which seems like it will suck. 

[doodler]

mosdub so sorry lady. I hope that in time your doctor will come around. It sucks so bad that you have to go through this. Big, big hugs.