Husband/Partner Anxiety about pregnancy and parenting

[Andrea]

So I guess we are at the stage where this whole "oh we are probably going to end up with a baby" thing is starting to become a concrete thing for my husband. He is starting to wig out about everything: finances, childcare, parenting, etc.

Last night after a lovely meal (cooked by a personal chef, which holy shit I need in my life on the reg) and one too many drinks he kinda unloaded all of his concerns about the pregnancy, being a dad, life style changes, etc. At one point he said, "I hope it is worth it." which of course sent my hormonal ass into a puddle of tears.

He has a really shitty relationship with his dad, who pretty much jumped ship when he was about 10 years old and was pretty much absent even when he was living with them.  I am wondering if he is internalizing some of that stuff and is worried about repeating history, etc.

Is anyone else going through this, or have experienced something similar with your SO? The last couple of weeks have been all about me and I want to better be able to support him too. He is an incredible man and I just wanna help him get through some of this initial anxiety.

Here are some festive cookies for your time:

[Andrea]

[frecklesnbrains]

I know how difficult this can be, because we're nervous hormonal messes who look to our partners for support, but I think it's important to recognize that they also have every right to have freak-out moments just like we do.

My DH is also really anxious. I have had the feeling he hasn't been getting super-excited about this pregnancy. I'm a naturally cautious person and probably haven't seemed all that excited either, and I've talked to him a lot about my fears of miscarriage, and my plans to do genetic testing, etc. The other night I told him that despite my age (38) the risk of a chromosomal disorder is actually only about 1%, and he looked at me all wide-eyed and said "wow, I thought it was like 10%!", so clearly he was making big assumptions because of my general negativity about things. DH also has a very poor relationship with his parents (he's an abuse survivor), and has been treated for anxiety and depression. I think he's doing fine overall, but I worry about him. We just keep talking it out, and it helps both of us. He has his moments when he talks about "our child" and he gets so sentimental that it makes me want to cry.

[jlabbe1123]

I sometimes think man have just as many hormonal changes right now as we do. It's a lot of changes & responsible to take on which can be hard for them to wrap their heads around. I'm sure his own relationship with his dad is weighing on him more now then ever. The desire to do better & be better can be a lot of pressure. I'm sure just knowing you are there & support him helps him a lot. Does he like to read? If so I know reading through some of those parenting books written for & by dad helped my DH relax a bit.


Also totally jealous of the personal chef!

[Andrea]

frecklesnbrains, I agree completely that they also will have their moments and that is why I want to figure out ways to better support him.

I ended up sending him a lengthy e-mail, just kinda getting my thoughts organized and apologizing for my hormonal reaction yesterday. You are right, we just have to keep talking it out.

I am glad I have you guys to vent to

[ArgyleEnigma]

Hi Andrea. I'm not experiencing this, but I feel like if I swapped places with DH, I'd be feeling many of the things your DH describes.

I am growing this thing, vomiting, NEEDING nachos, and it still doesn't always feel real. Imagining observing this in my wife, and I feel like the distance triples-- especially because aside from being the nachos-fetchers, there's really not much partners can do to help right now. It leaves a lot of emotional space for worrying.

This is even harder for survivors of abuse or abandonment. They literally do not know how to be parents. Nobody showed them. They just have to try it out and hope they don't fuck up. Very, very scary. My MIL, FIL, and father all came from here. Maybe looking into a parenting class would make it feel more manageable? Your ob might know of resources.

I wish your husband had a board like this one, to see what others are thinking, and to talk out whatever is on his mind. Is there a dad you guys really trust, a steady sort-- close family friend, brother, like that-- be could just have a beer with and unload on? I bet newish dads are great for reassuring and inspiring dads-to-be.

[frecklesnbrains]

Andrea, it sounds like he would benefit from talking openly with you about his relationship with his dad, and you can help him reassure himself that he is not his father and that the future has different things in store for your child. I talk with my H all the time (starting long before I got KU) about the parenting choices we would make to be sure our home will be a safe and loving place. Vent away anytime

[Andrea]

jlabbe1123, My mom's boyfriend made the chef thing happen and I was in heaven. It was lovely. He is not a reader but I am hoping that I can find some sort of survival guide style book that may catch his interest.

ArgyleEnigma, My best friend just had a baby this past March. He gets together with her husband for lunch/ beers every once in a while. I may see if I can get her to get her guy to prompt a conversation about parenthood. It amazes me that they can sit there for 2 hours drinking beers and they talk about nothing personal

We are chatting via gmail, and he said:
"Every time I see someone I hear "Oh man, just get ready your life is gonna be over this time next year"

People are dicks.

[ArgyleEnigma]

Oct 30, 2015 15:05:05 GMT -5 Andrea said:

jlabbe1123, My mom's boyfriend made the chef thing happen and I was in heaven. It was lovely. He is not a reader but I am hoping that I can find some sort of survival guide style book that may catch his interest.

ArgyleEnigma, My best friend just had a baby this past March. He gets together with her husband for lunch/ beers every once in a while. I may see if I can get her to get her guy to prompt a conversation about parenthood. It amazes me that they can sit there for 2 hours drinking beers and they talk about nothing personal

We are chatting via gmail, and he said:
"Every time I see someone I hear "Oh man, just get ready your life is gonna be over this time next year"

People are dicks.

What the hell kind of shit is that for someone to say? I wouldn't say that to somebody going to fucking prison. Nevermind having a baby!

I am raging. Your husband needs new friends. I hope he didn't put up with that shit. Stand up for yourself and your family.

I'm going to go seethe.

[jlabbe1123]

Oct 30, 2015 15:05:05 GMT -5 Andrea said:

jlabbe1123, My mom's boyfriend made the chef thing happen and I was in heaven. It was lovely. He is not a reader but I am hoping that I can find some sort of survival guide style book that may catch his interest.

ArgyleEnigma, My best friend just had a baby this past March. He gets together with her husband for lunch/ beers every once in a while. I may see if I can get her to get her guy to prompt a conversation about parenthood. It amazes me that they can sit there for 2 hours drinking beers and they talk about nothing personal

We are chatting via gmail, and he said:
"Every time I see someone I hear "Oh man, just get ready your life is gonna be over this time next year"

People are dicks.

People are dicks about it! They always tell you the worst. Oh you life will be over, you won't have time for each other, say good by to sleep, blah blah blah. Life is just changing & evolving into something even better. You might not have time at first to do everything you want at the time but you won't even care that much. You have this tiny little human that loves you unconditionally. You watch there little personalities come to life as they grow, explore, and discover the world for the first time & hands down so much better then dealing with sucky people. Ugh I hate stupid people lol

A survival guide would be awesome to find! DH didn't read all of the books but just glanced enough at each chapter to have a better idea of what is going on.

[titania]

Oct 30, 2015 15:05:05 GMT -5 Andrea said:

jlabbe1123, My mom's boyfriend made the chef thing happen and I was in heaven. It was lovely. He is not a reader but I am hoping that I can find some sort of survival guide style book that may catch his interest.

ArgyleEnigma, My best friend just had a baby this past March. He gets together with her husband for lunch/ beers every once in a while. I may see if I can get her to get her guy to prompt a conversation about parenthood. It amazes me that they can sit there for 2 hours drinking beers and they talk about nothing personal

We are chatting via gmail, and he said:
"Every time I see someone I hear "Oh man, just get ready your life is gonna be over this time next year"

People are dicks.

Yes people say the worst things!  MH is pretty scared at how much life is going to change and people's comments like that do not help at all!  Everyone above had such articulate things to say, but I just wanted to say that I think being terrified is totally normal.  And by listening to his fears and letting him talk, you are being supportive.  It is so hard to imagine being a Dad when he didn't have that role model growing up and talking about that to a level he is comfortable with I think will help.  I also think there are some pretty funny books out there for Dads, so even if he is not a reader one could be interesting to him.

[Andrea]

Oct 30, 2015 15:16:13 GMT -5 ArgyleEnigma said:

Oct 30, 2015 15:05:05 GMT -5 Andrea said:

jlabbe1123, My mom's boyfriend made the chef thing happen and I was in heaven. It was lovely. He is not a reader but I am hoping that I can find some sort of survival guide style book that may catch his interest.

ArgyleEnigma, My best friend just had a baby this past March. He gets together with her husband for lunch/ beers every once in a while. I may see if I can get her to get her guy to prompt a conversation about parenthood. It amazes me that they can sit there for 2 hours drinking beers and they talk about nothing personal

We are chatting via gmail, and he said:
"Every time I see someone I hear "Oh man, just get ready your life is gonna be over this time next year"

People are dicks.

What the hell kind of shit is that for someone to say? I wouldn't say that to somebody going to fucking prison. Nevermind having a baby!

I am raging. Your husband needs new friends. I hope he didn't put up with that shit. Stand up for yourself and your family.

I'm going to go seethe.

No wonder the poor guy is anxiety ridden. It has mostly come from people that do not have young kids, or kids at all. He equated it to people telling me to "relax" when we were going through fertility treatments, and how he is now seeing red with these comments. He said he told the last guy to fuck off. I just can't.

[ArgyleEnigma]

Oct 30, 2015 15:21:23 GMT -5 Andrea said:

Oct 30, 2015 15:16:13 GMT -5 ArgyleEnigma said:

What the hell kind of shit is that for someone to say? I wouldn't say that to somebody going to fucking prison. Nevermind having a baby!

I am raging. Your husband needs new friends. I hope he didn't put up with that shit. Stand up for yourself and your family.

I'm going to go seethe.

No wonder the poor guy is anxiety ridden. It has mostly come from people that do not have young kids, or kids at all. He equated it to people telling me to "relax" when we were going through fertility treatments, and how he is now seeing red with these comments. He said he told the last guy to fuck off. I just can't.

Round of applause to your H.

[birdhut]

My DH did the same with our first and he was very selfish as far as knowing he'd be giving up his freedom. He also freaked out about finances I think mostly because I stay home now and I can imagine being the only income is a whole new stress level. There's also the I've never been a parent so I don't know what I'm doing and what if I'm terrible and the I think we made a mistake.
I think these are all normal feelings at some point when realizing this is actually happening. I think I freaked out too at some point.
Now that she's here and he has this awesome relationship with her and she calls him daddy he just melts. He wouldn't change it now but I think initially and in the beginning when they just need mom most of the time it's hard and your life does change probably more than you even imagine it will so that's hard too but totally worth it!

[sandandsea]

Honestly, I think a lot of it is valid. It's a huge change and can be totally overwhelming. Especially if he didn't have a rosey childhood with his parents. But, I think he just has to work through it and it would probably help to make a plan and start setting up baby steps to get ready.

Things you guys could do include the following. Set up a post-baby budget and live on it now, so you have a good little nest egg built up by the time baby arrives. Read some parenting books like Bringing home baby so he knows what to expect at first. Or the Happiest Baby on the Block movie. Sign up for a prenatal class. Start researching daycares and see what you like/don't like about certain ones.

There is a lot to do and it does absolutely change everything. But, it's 1000000000% worth it.

[Andrea]

Oct 30, 2015 15:36:18 GMT -5 sandandsea said:

Honestly, I think a lot of it is valid. It's a huge change and can be totally overwhelming. Especially if he didn't have a rosey childhood with his parents. But, I think he just has to work through it and it would probably help to make a plan and start setting up baby steps to get ready.

Things you guys could do include the following. Set up a post-baby budget and live on it now, so you have a good little nest egg built up by the time baby arrives. Read some parenting books like Bringing home baby so he knows what to expect at first. Or the Happiest Baby on the Block movie. Sign up for a prenatal class. Start researching daycares and see what you like/don't like about certain ones.

There is a lot to do and it does absolutely change everything. But, it's 1000000000% worth it.

Oh, I am with you. I totally think all of his feelings are valid, I just had to get past my hormonal hot messiness and figure out a plan to be a better support to him.

I love the Happiest Baby in the Block movie, I work with babies and toddlers for my job so I am very familiar with that resource. I thought we could watch that later in the pregnancy. I like the idea of the post-baby budget! We use YNAB so it would be really easy to set up.

[sandandsea]

www.amazon.com/Heading-Home-Your-Newborn-Reality/dp/1581104448/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1446241181&sr=8-3&keywords=bringing+home+baby+book

That's the book I meant - I had the name wrong, but this one was super helpful for us and not too overwhelming/long.

[sandandsea]

Oh, I had another thought. I think it's totally normal to feel this way, even after the baby comes. I remember when we were getting discharged from the hospital with DS thinking, "Wait, they're really letting us take him home? We don't know how to do this! They're crazy!"

Do you have any friends with LOS that you guys could babysit for an evening to get him some exposure to the fun stuff so he can maybe focus on the things he's excited about instead of the worrisome parts?  Or maybe coming up with a to do with baby bucket list?

[KR]

Try not to subject your H to typical expecting baby books. I.e. What to Expect. My H just could not relate at all to a book written by a woman and generally directed towards a woman. He was already overwhelmed and those just made him feel like his concerns were second fiddle to anything I was going through.
I got him a really cheesy book written by a man and for a man. I think it was called "My Boys Can Swim". It had short chapters (like 2-3 pages) and told facts but also funny anecdotes. He left it in the bathroom for light reading, ha! Once he had his own "book" he was more open to hearing me read to him interesting parts of my book.

My H also had a hard time connecting to the pregnancy in general in the beginning because he couldn't see anything or feel anything. I would just constantly tell him how I was feeling so that it felt like he was along for the ride. And I wouldn't tell him in a complaining manner, more like factual.

In my first pregnancy journal, one of the recommended topics was how you thought your partner would be as a parent. I just recently read what I had written when I was pregnant with DS. It made me tear up. I was spot on with all the great attributes my H has in being a great dad. He also had an absent father so didn't have any idea how to be a good dad. I knew he would be based on his character, so I wasn't worried. Anyway, maybe you could write your H a nice card and highlight all the ways you will think they will be a great dad.

[GOmamab15]

I think DH and I have both had our freak out moments/ more than moment.
I think it's great of you to talk with him. It's also okay if you don't want to hear it.

Lol to nacho-fetchers and agreed that I wish H had a board like this for support.

[babyzebra]

I think this is normal and PP have given great advice. Both DH and I went through this during my pregnancy with DS and even during the newborn period. I think people bond with and "love" a new baby at very different points in time. For some people, that is when the pee on the stick dries. For others, that may not be until the baby is 4 or 6 months old.

I think that bonding is very important in taking away the anxious feelings that you're talking about. When that happens, you stop worrying so much about all the details that make raising a child so difficult and the sacrifices you are making in your lifestyle. Instead you think about how you literally love this little human being more than life itself and you would do absolutely anything for him/her. The rest of the stuff becomes irrelevant and you become the best damn parent you can be.

[packerfan4life]

The fact that he's worrying about it, is good in my opinion. It is a huge life changer. And it's scary that they expect you not to totally screw up this little human. And I can't even imagine how hard that must be when you didn't have a good role model growing up.

I think it's important to listen to his fears and validate his feelings. Try to respond to him about ways you know he'll make a good dad. And sharing that we're all terrified. That's part of parenting (I think). And we're all learning and going to make mistakes, that hopefully we learn from and do better next time. As ling as baby is safe and fed, they won't remember our mistakes in those first few months/years.

[vivela]

"I hope it is worth it" is the kind of thing you blurt out when after too much wine because you are thinking about your life changing and don't really realize how it sounds.
When I told DH about my first pregnancy, his first response was, "where are we going to put it?!" Haha, what? Then he started talking about how we will afford a baby and I had to remind him that we had actually done this on purpose and already talked about all this stuff.
I haven't heard a negative peep out of him this time, but that is probably because we dealt with a miscarriage and fertility meds and he realizes I probably couldn't handle it. When I feel more confident about the pregnancy I'll broach it with him.

[Andrea]

Oct 31, 2015 16:03:37 GMT -5 vivela said:

"I hope it is worth it" is the kind of thing you blurt out when after too much wine because you are thinking about your life changing and don't really realize how it sounds.
When I told DH about my first pregnancy, his first response was, "where are we going to put it?!" Haha, what? Then he started talking about how we will afford a baby and I had to remind him that we had actually done this on purpose and already talked about all this stuff.
I haven't heard a negative peep out of him this time, but that is probably because we dealt with a miscarriage and fertility meds and he realizes I probably couldn't handle it. When I feel more confident about the pregnancy I'll broach it with him.

We did fertility treatments too, the guy knew what he was signing up for

We had a real good talk last night & I feel this is just going to be a huge adjustment for both us. Hooray for parenthood!!!!

[ThePregosaurus]

MH was the same way about #1. DH is a planner and, well, plans went ahead without prior authorization haha. DH never got to the point where he felt ready. THEN DS came early so SURPRISE! Welcome to big responsibility world! To be perfectly honest, it took him a few months to finally relax and connect with DS. Once the baby started interacting more with DH and not just me, their whole relationship did a 180. DH would tell you that he can't imagine life any other way now, and it's only been a year. So hang in there! Our DH's don't often connect with the baby the way most of us do during pregnancy (and it takes time for us too!) so they can't help but look at the little details that they may feel some control over.

[Andrea]

ThePregosaurus, You may have married my husband. I really think he will follow that same path. I just need to continue to reassure him that this is totally normal, and he is not broken.


Thank you guys for making me feel like we can do this!!!

[cattuccino]

I really wasn't sure how to best approach this and wanted to wait until I was on a desktop to give a more thought out response....but these other mamas have done a wonderful job here.

It's completely normal to have anxiety - everyone, moms and dads, siblings too! And not just with a first, or second or 10th (or more!) pregnancy.

I'm really glad that you're both talking about it - that's very important and an amazing sign.
This is all still new...and it's big! And exciting! And terrifying!

You CAN do this! And we're all here for when you need more support - and if your H feels he needs some more outside of yourself and family encourage him to look! There are plenty of online support and community support for dads too!

[lakecountrygal]

DH had this when I was KU up DS. He's more ready this time but with his work schedule I basically single parent 98% of the time. My BMB for DS and then spinoff FB group have really helped me through all this and are being just as supportive with my 2.0 due in June. Hopefully you make some awesome connections here and know that the board will be here for you and help support you!!

[Flair Underwood]

Late to the party (woot woot) - but I can kind of speak to this topic, Andrea,. My H had a pretty horrible dad that created a lot of horrible trauma in his life. It causes a lot of underlying strife in our relationship and i see some similar patterns emerge from time to time (with me, never with DD).

This might not be a popular opinion - but I wouldn't even mention his dad to him. Don't bring it up. I'm sure he is internalizing shit (lots of shit) and worried about repeating history. I feel like for men who have had rough histories with their dad's - it's best for us to stay out of their emotions and thoughts until they are read to talk. And when they are ready to talk, just listen and love.

You're H is going to be a great dad! It might be a little hard to believe that 100% given his personal family past, but he's going to be great!!! Just be supportive and love him through it!

If it helps, I totally understand your fears and feelings. Loving and being in a relationship with someone with SO MUCH BAGGAGE can be scary, overwhelming and something you think about a lot. He chose you to be his partner because you can handle it. Don't "romanticize the problems" - just love him and love yourself!

[Andrea]

Flair Underwood, Thanks for responding! I have absolutely no doubt that H is going to make a great dad. I just want to support him through the next couple of months until the bean makes his/her appearance. It is a total work in progress