I think my MIL's sixth sense is that she can tell when my husband is walking in the door. Every night. Within 3 minutes of him getting home, she's calling to talk about his day. And then it takes a good 5 minutes to get her OFF the phone.
We registered over the weekend, and my MIL asked if we had purchased anything for ourselves. I told her we'd fallen in love with a stroller/car seat travel system that was on clearance, and bought it to make sure it wouldn't disappear. Innocent enough to tell her that, I thought. WRONG!
That night she was texting DH nonstop, demanding to know the brand and model number for our stuff. DH told me that she was purchasing a frame stroller and car seat base for herself to match our car seat. Having an extra stroller at their place to use sounded like a good idea, but I suspect it was purchased with their expectation of using it in the (unlikely) event I allow them to steal my kid every weekend like my SIL allows. I mostly feel like it's a little presumptuous for MIL to expect that she'll be carting around my child in her car regularly enough to need her own base. WTF?? And why did she need this immediately? Already feeling overwhelmed by their expectations of having the baby to themselves. It won't be happening often.
I feel for you. My own mother had the same thinking that she would be able to have our kids any time she asks. She was able to take my nephew for a while when he was little so she bought her own car seat. I flat out told my mom that we won't be letting our kids stay at others houses as often as my brother allows it because they are our kids and we are responsible for raising them and we want to do things with them like go to the zoo and family trips and such. On top of that, my DH works every other weekend, so that makes things even tougher for people to take ours when they ask. Yes, I would and probably will let my IL's take the kids when they ask, but that is because they aren't BSC like my mom and they will respect our wishes more, and our lo will be their first grandbaby. If you can be firm with her about your feelings, I would say be as firm as you need to be and hopefully your DH will back you up and support your decision.
Thank you! I definitely feel like sometime soon we'll need to have some sort of discussion about how things will go. MIL tends not to deal with me directly about things, just goes around me. But DH and I are on the same page about this, so that really helps! He thinks it ridiculous how much my SILs kid stays at the ILs. It's literally all weekend, every weekend, and SIL lives 10 mins away. They also get together a couple times during the week. It's a bit much--that won't be us!
I'm envious of all the rants about overinvoled ILs. (Maybe the grass is always greener and I should shut my mouth).
MIL is so disinterested in our DD and this pregnancy. She was more involved in her BF's daughter's pregnancy (attended her shower) than her our grandchild (in her defense, her relationship with her BF is relatively new so she still thinks rainbows and the sun shine out his ass- so she in overdrive trying to impress him still). She made no effort to throw us a shower, come to our shower thrown by my family, come to DD baptism (we always offer to buy her plane ticket), babysit, come on family vacations, etc. I couldn't care less, her loss. But DH is so hurt and embarrassed by her actions and is constantly trying to get his mom to be more involved. He compares my involved family to his all the time. I want to tell him to just let it be and accept whatever relationship she wants to give us....It's just sad.
Haha! Send me your contact info...my MIL has LOTS of love to give! Maybe you're right...we always want what we don't have, eh?
Post by brittneysandra on Jan 29, 2015 16:38:40 GMT -5
Dear MIL, Stop telling me what I should and shouldn't put on my registry!!! "They didn't have those back in my day, you don't need one"..... I don't care if they had them back in ur day, they have them now and I want one. And don't make me feel like a brat if I put it on my registry If I want your help, ill ask. But don't hold your breath <3Your very hormonal pregnant DIL
ILs are back from vacation, and my mom's back from her missions trip. The peace was so nice...
MIL has been begging to babysit DS since before they left, which would be great if we lived anywhere close to them, or if she was ever actually available. She pesters me (and DH) aaaaaall the time "When can I see him? When can I watch him?!?" And is inevitably busy any day we actually have free. For instance: DH had the last 3 days off, so we went to Nashville, and she kept telling me she would watch DS Wednesday evening, even though we already told her twice that we wouldn't even be in the state.
Also, small DH rant: he knows full well that if he ignores her texts she will start peppering me with them, and he knows how psycho this makes me feel. But he does it anyway. Uh uh, buddy, I do NOT have to deal with both of our mothers. That is not a one-woman job!
This is a MIL funny story. I have a vent that I am still not really ready to discuss from last week.
DH's cousin's wife wrote a funny facebook post about about a date with her couch and how the couch even bought wine and going on and on about her great date. MIL totally misunderstood the post and then shared the post and added a cover note to the wife saying: What is this about a "date" with a long lost friend? Where is your husband (her nephew) in all of this? You have no mention of him. Is Jesus still Lord in your heart? Please remember your marriage vows and remember the love you have with your dear husband.
I almost peed my pants laughing so hard.
OMG. I'm dying over this. Maybe this is bad but I find it hilarious when people misunderstand posts on facebook and get all worked up over things like that!!! Haha
My relationship with my MIL has really developed since we found out about our lo. She is so excited. She asks me every day how I am feeling and how lo is doing. She actually won't respond when her kids call her mom in a large crowd because there are so many moms that she doesn't want to respond to each mom she hears. My DH is really the only one that calls her by her name, but she will respond as soon as she hears her name. Someone in the family said it was rude for him to do that, but she stood up for him and told the family member why he calls her by her name and then it made a little more sense.
I'm sorry you have to deal with her brushing you off and not being involved. Hopefully you guys can find a way to make things work.
Yeah no I have no desire to "foster a relationship" with my MIL. If you don't want to not be a bitch when it's just me involved then fuck you when a kid is in the picture. I'm not going to have her get nicey nicey with me just because I'm carrying her grandchild...
@jessmar to each their own, I can tell from MIL's face that she's not cool with the name thing but she'll never say anything.
@gfj48 I don't blame you, if my MIL was a total bitch then I'd feel the same way!
The thing with my MIL in particular is not that we have a bad relationship, we just don't have much of one outside of generally being polite to one another. DH's family is very different from mine, I don't think I met my ILs half a dozen times before we got married... and that would be like 30 minutes of awkward chitchat in their living room. Not much has changed since getting married, except that I live here now and see them slightly more often. Even their family holiday gatherings are like show up, eat, and leave.
Sure she's been totally getting on my nerves lately, but I've still been hoping that we'd be able to bond a little over LO. She will never ever replace my mom, and it's not like I'm expecting or even wanting to become super close or anything, but in terms of outside support she will probably be the #1 person we lean on so I would just rather she and I be on the same team.
This is a MIL funny story. I have a vent that I am still not really ready to discuss from last week.
DH's cousin's wife wrote a funny facebook post about about a date with her couch and how the couch even bought wine and going on and on about her great date. MIL totally misunderstood the post and then shared the post and added a cover note to the wife saying: What is this about a "date" with a long lost friend? Where is your husband (her nephew) in all of this? You have no mention of him. Is Jesus still Lord in your heart? Please remember your marriage vows and remember the love you have with your dear husband.
I feel for you. My own mother had the same thinking that she would be able to have our kids any time she asks. She was able to take my nephew for a while when he was little so she bought her own car seat. I flat out told my mom that we won't be letting our kids stay at others houses as often as my brother allows it because they are our kids and we are responsible for raising them and we want to do things with them like go to the zoo and family trips and such. On top of that, my DH works every other weekend, so that makes things even tougher for people to take ours when they ask. Yes, I would and probably will let my IL's take the kids when they ask, but that is because they aren't BSC like my mom and they will respect our wishes more, and our lo will be their first grandbaby. If you can be firm with her about your feelings, I would say be as firm as you need to be and hopefully your DH will back you up and support your decision.
Thank you! I definitely feel like sometime soon we'll need to have some sort of discussion about how things will go. MIL tends not to deal with me directly about things, just goes around me. But DH and I are on the same page about this, so that really helps! He thinks it ridiculous how much my SILs kid stays at the ILs. It's literally all weekend, every weekend, and SIL lives 10 mins away. They also get together a couple times during the week. It's a bit much--that won't be us!
Are you posting as me? This is my exact situation. On one hand, I'm all fuck that, not happening. On the other hand, I'm worried it means she will always favor and have a more special bond with SIL's kid.
Mine is more a general vent towards my mom and MIL..... I'm so over the saying, "I don't know how you survived back in the day" when I mention no drop side cribs, organic food, and researching products thoroughly before purchasing.... Times have changed and respect my choices and wishes... %youroldschoolopionions
This! Just ignore it. One of the few big changes I made in the last few months was cutting down on caffeine (I was drinking tons) and I constantly have my mom telling me she drank like a couple liters of Diet Coke a day when she was pregnant with me, and it was never a problem. I don't care Mom! You do you... let me be.
My MIL- whom I love and is wonderful- wants to throw me a shower. I'm actually kind of shy and the idea of everyone staring at me while I open presents they bought the baby gives me hives. Is that insane?! is something totally wrong with me?! And then she's like just give me your list of friends and family and as I've mentioned on here before- I grew up in foster care- I don't have genetic family. Although I do have friends that are family- they are mostly in Atlanta where I went to college. I hate to ask them to fly up for this because they're not very well off. So, I'm nervous to tell her I have no family and all my friends are across the country. :/ But DH is really excited to let her do this and have his family give gifts. Sheesh. Maybe I'll meditate ahead of time... sorry for the complaints- I am of course deeply appreciative, just a little out of sorts. Happy Friday tomorrow!
Post by hellok2010 on Jan 29, 2015 22:25:16 GMT -5
My ILs drive me crazy. I'm trying very hard to not let what they do or don't do bother me, but it really does. My husband's parents are divorced his mom lives in town and his dad is out of state. His dad was thrilled when we had our son. He kept talking about how nice it was to have someone to carry on the family name. He went crazy buying all this stuff (nursery furniture, clothes, toys, etc) which was nice but wasn't necessary. Ever since we found out we were having a girl this time he alternates asking if the baby is still a girl or says ultrasounds are wrong every day so it could really be a boy. Then more than once has said he is waiting to buy anything for the baby because she might really be a he. My response, to my husband I don't really talk to my FIL on my own, was really he doesn't need to buy us anything.
My MIL lives in town but she rarely sees our son even when we invite her over. However she sees my step daughter and her half siblings all the time. We would take him to see her but she chain smokes and her home absolutely reeks of smoke. I can't be in there very long before I get wheezy and I really don't want our son in there. I know not everyone has to be excited about our pregnancy, but she doesn't ask about it and always acts surprised that I'm pregnant whenever we do see her. It's just frustrating that one is disappointed we are having a girl and the other doesn't seem to care about our son or this baby.
This may sound kind of tacky but it's driving me nuts.
MIL talked to DH the other night and said she wants to get something special for the baby. I'm thinking she means a blanket or outfit but she's talking big furniture item. DH just said well we registered for some big things and she said she looked but doesn't want to get us any of that. I'm just confused what she plans on buying....and she NEVER listens to us when she asks what we want for anything and does what she wants anyway. I don't want the glider SHE likes....I want the one I like!!!! Sorry for being selfish but I just can't understand why she always always always has to get something different. She does the same thing at Xmas...DH will tell her gift cards I would like and she will get me a gift card for anything but the places he said.
That isn't selfish at all, why waste money on something you simply don't like? I hate when people do that!
My grandma does this crap all the time, gets me pointless crap or stuff she knows I won't like. This Christmas she got me an ugly purple monogrammed diaper bag...hello I'm having a boy and if you know anything about me you know I don't like diaper bags that looks like a diaper bag (cutesy). And she insisted she was buying the car seat, I went to the store with her and showed her what I wanted. Then she got me a different travel set (stroller and car seat) "because it was on sale". Thanks, but it's not what I wanted so it will probably get returned.
This may sound kind of tacky but it's driving me nuts.
MIL talked to DH the other night and said she wants to get something special for the baby. I'm thinking she means a blanket or outfit but she's talking big furniture item. DH just said well we registered for some big things and she said she looked but doesn't want to get us any of that. I'm just confused what she plans on buying....and she NEVER listens to us when she asks what we want for anything and does what she wants anyway. I don't want the glider SHE likes....I want the one I like!!!! Sorry for being selfish but I just can't understand why she always always always has to get something different. She does the same thing at Xmas...DH will tell her gift cards I would like and she will get me a gift card for anything but the places he said.
I think we have the same MIL! We just had an email exchange that covered this exact topic along with what I posted before. MIL likes to come up with her own gift ideas that make her happy. I prefer to get people things that I know they want and will use. She has accused me of making up "sanctioned lists" of gifts for our family and giving them to her. In reality what happened was my mom asked for some ideas of what we wanted for Christmas and I sent it to both of them to try and be helpful.
We probably don't use 80-90% of the gifts MIL buys for us because they are so out of left field (the best was probably this woven boxy jacket from Panama that had embroidered borders of children holding hands. DH actually laughed out loud when he saw me open it). I usually just politely accept and then put them away or donate them as I think that's the easiest way to deal with potential hurt feelings. BUT, in your case, her gift would replace an item that you actually need and will use frequently. I don't think it's being selfish to give guidance on that - isn't that the entire point of registries?
I hope your DH can talk some sense into her! Maybe you could all go to buy it together? It would be harder for her to ignore your and DH's opinions in person....
Post by Starbuck128 on Jan 30, 2015 9:25:39 GMT -5
@bwisco We had a similar thing happen with our MIL. Be careful how you handle it. I think buying a gift for a new grand baby is a particularly sensitive issue with some MILs. They already feel pushed to the side because they are the MIL, and want to show their love by working hard to find the perfect, over the top gift.
My MIL ignored our first pregnancy until 3rd trip and then suddenly acted really, really excited about it. I thought it was a chance to change our relationship. She mentioned buying us a gift, and she wanted to have video monitors installed in every room of our house. Wow! I explained we didn't need anything like that and reminded her we lived in a rental and couldn't install something like that. I showed her our registry. She looked heartbroken. She's never acted excited about DS since, except in that fake way she feels she needs to in order to look normal in front of others. It's insincere, and I wonder if I had handled the gift situation more carefully if she would have stayed excited about DS.
This may sound kind of tacky but it's driving me nuts.
MIL talked to DH the other night and said she wants to get something special for the baby. I'm thinking she means a blanket or outfit but she's talking big furniture item. DH just said well we registered for some big things and she said she looked but doesn't want to get us any of that. I'm just confused what she plans on buying....and she NEVER listens to us when she asks what we want for anything and does what she wants anyway. I don't want the glider SHE likes....I want the one I like!!!! Sorry for being selfish but I just can't understand why she always always always has to get something different. She does the same thing at Xmas...DH will tell her gift cards I would like and she will get me a gift card for anything but the places he said.
You are 100% NOT the selfish one in this situation, that's for damn sure!!
@bwisco We had a similar thing happen with our MIL. Be careful how you handle it. I think buying a gift for a new grand baby is a particularly sensitive issue with some MILs. They already feel pushed to the side because they are the MIL, and want to show their love by working hard to find the perfect, over the top gift.
My MIL ignored our first pregnancy until 3rd trip and then suddenly acted really, really excited about it. I thought it was a chance to change our relationship. She mentioned buying us a gift, and she wanted to have video monitors installed in every room of our house. Wow! I explained we didn't need anything like that and reminded her we lived in a rental and couldn't install something like that. I showed her our registry. She looked heartbroken. She's never acted excited about DS since, except in that fake way she feels she needs to in order to look normal in front of others. It's insincere, and I wonder if I had handled the gift situation more carefully if she would have stayed excited about DS.
It's not your fault that MIL got bent out of shape. You were right to say no to a gift you can't use, and trying to change someone else's behavior or feelings is such a losing battle. Something is up with her, and it's not likely anything you can change. It's her loss for not being more excited about her own grandkids! That's a shame.
My MIL- whom I love and is wonderful- wants to throw me a shower. I'm actually kind of shy and the idea of everyone staring at me while I open presents they bought the baby gives me hives. Is that insane?! is something totally wrong with me?! And then she's like just give me your list of friends and family and as I've mentioned on here before- I grew up in foster care- I don't have genetic family. Although I do have friends that are family- they are mostly in Atlanta where I went to college. I hate to ask them to fly up for this because they're not very well off. So, I'm nervous to tell her I have no family and all my friends are across the country. :/ But DH is really excited to let her do this and have his family give gifts. Sheesh. Maybe I'll meditate ahead of time... sorry for the complaints- I am of course deeply appreciative, just a little out of sorts. Happy Friday tomorrow!
*hugs* I think it's wonderful that you have a great relationship with your MIL. Have you thought about asking her if it could be a more laid-back co-ed baby shower? That way your husband could be by your side to deflect a little of the attention, and hopefully make the situation more comfortable for you. And if she asks why just be honest, it sounds like she cares about you.
My In laws drive me nuts, thank god they live 8+ hours away and our house is too small for them to stay the night. I can't really pinpoint the precise source for my annoyance, I'm just not that into them. My MIL talks and talks and talks and repeats the same stories over and over again. I'm pretty introverted small talk annoys me and this woman just drains me. Plus it's like do you not want to ask me questions about your grandson? Or would you just prefer to keep rambling on about random shit and people I don't care to know? I'm just not a big talker and instead of trying to understand me they take it personally. I simply don't feel the need to talk for the sake of talking. It's just not who I am. Sorry. Tell me again while you remove your shoes how it takes you a little while to do so and remind me again when you put them back on. I'm such a dick.
My mother is the same way. And because she talks so much, she comes off as very friendly, so I also feel like a dick. But I completely get it....it is sooooo draining! My parents live about 5 hours away and I literally need to take a break from her for a few hours every day when I visit or I end up saying something that she perceives to be mean, she cries, and then my dad yells at me. My parents are coming down today....please help me.
But I feel ya. I would much rather just sit in silence than deal with the constant narrating and constant chatter about everything and anything.
Introverts, my people. Yes, everyone loves my in laws for the same reason, so friendly cause they just talk talk talk.
I get you, and I get that people just love to sit and blather on, I like you, am just not one of those people. I enjoy meaningful conversation, but mindless babble is not for me. I don't like to be talked at. I often get the feeling from these types of people that they also really like the sound of their own voice. Rarely do they try to engage the other person in conversation they only wish to talk about themselves and everyone else they know. Seriously I don't care about 'Mikes' wife Sandy and her gout. Mike who? Nary a question about me or most importantly about my son, their grandchild. If I do share I feel like they aren't paying attention anyways, they repeat their own stories so frequently how could they possibly be keeping track of what others have to say. Silence truly is golden.
My MIL- whom I love and is wonderful- wants to throw me a shower. I'm actually kind of shy and the idea of everyone staring at me while I open presents they bought the baby gives me hives. Is that insane?! is something totally wrong with me?! And then she's like just give me your list of friends and family and as I've mentioned on here before- I grew up in foster care- I don't have genetic family. Although I do have friends that are family- they are mostly in Atlanta where I went to college. I hate to ask them to fly up for this because they're not very well off. So, I'm nervous to tell her I have no family and all my friends are across the country. :/ But DH is really excited to let her do this and have his family give gifts. Sheesh. Maybe I'll meditate ahead of time... sorry for the complaints- I am of course deeply appreciative, just a little out of sorts. Happy Friday tomorrow!
*hugs* I think it's wonderful that you have a great relationship with your MIL. Have you thought about asking her if it could be a more laid-back co-ed baby shower? That way your husband could be by your side to deflect a little of the attention, and hopefully make the situation more comfortable for you. And if she asks why just be honest, it sounds like she cares about you.
This is EXACTLY what I'm going for, and for the shyness/easily overwhelmed reason, too. Also, I've always kinda hated baby shower games, and if it's co-ed it's just like any other hang-out. Fine by me! Good luck, OP!
@bwisco We had a similar thing happen with our MIL. Be careful how you handle it. I think buying a gift for a new grand baby is a particularly sensitive issue with some MILs. They already feel pushed to the side because they are the MIL, and want to show their love by working hard to find the perfect, over the top gift.
My MIL ignored our first pregnancy until 3rd trip and then suddenly acted really, really excited about it. I thought it was a chance to change our relationship. She mentioned buying us a gift, and she wanted to have video monitors installed in every room of our house. Wow! I explained we didn't need anything like that and reminded her we lived in a rental and couldn't install something like that. I showed her our registry. She looked heartbroken. She's never acted excited about DS since, except in that fake way she feels she needs to in order to look normal in front of others. It's insincere, and I wonder if I had handled the gift situation more carefully if she would have stayed excited about DS.
I wouldn't beat yourself up over having provided a perfectly reasonable rationale for not being able to use a gift. My husband is totally obsessed with technology and I can't imagine having video monitors all over our home -- and we own our place so at least we'd be in a position to make that choice. I'm sure you were nice about it too. It's kind of you to want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she sounds a bit like my husband's aunt, who makes a huge production out of wanting to do something to "help" with things like our wedding and kids, then decides it isn't fun anymore when she tries to push us into things that aren't our style and aren't practical for the occasion (and we politely decline).
Post by purpleroses on Jan 31, 2015 14:47:57 GMT -5
I've been trying to let this one go, but can't, so I guess this is a good place to vent about it. For Hanukkah, my MIL made a HUGE production out of this great, wonderful, sweet book she had bought for DS. Some of you may be familiar with the book, but it is by Billy Crystal and is most definitely a very sweet, sentimental book, where he talks about all of the things he can't wait to do with his grandchild who is on the way, after having done them with his daughter growing up. In one part of the book, he talks about how he is the child's mommy's dad and specifically about the experience of taking her to a movie. This would all be wonderful -- except the part where my father passed away about a year before DS was born and will never actually meet his daughter's children, much less take them to do all of the same activities he did with me. Ordinarily, I would have just shrugged it off as that she picked it up thinking it was sweet in relation to DH's dad, but she made such a big deal out of how great the book was that I have to assume she read it before she gave it to us and I can't believe it didn't occur to her that it might not be all that enjoyable of a book for me to read to DS. I don't want it to sound like I don't think anyone in the family can celebrate DS' other grandfather, but this also isn't an isolated instance of DH's family not seeming to notice or care that I even have a family or being insensitive about the situation with my dad. He passed away after we got married and it was a very difficult time for me, in the meantime, my MIL was griping that we hadn't invited her and FIL out to the house we had just moved into yet for a visit. The only minor complication was that my dad passed away about 3 weeks after we moved in. This is kind of how she is about a lot of things, I don't know why I would be surprised or let it get to me at this point.
Since I'm already complaining, a couple of weeks ago she asked DH for some suggestions on things that might be good to get DS for his 2nd birthday coming up. I'm not one who would ever push gift suggestions on someone who hasn't asked, but happen to keep an Amazon wish list and put things on as I see them, in part so I can remember things I liked but I have given the link to a few people who have asked for suggestions in the past. Well, I sent DH the link to forward on to her (since I wasn't part of the conversation) and it took him until this morning to forward it on, probably because he was on an international work trip for over a week and just got back. A couple of hours ago, we both receive an awkward email saying she and my FIL are always happy to buy DS gifts, but she doesn't understand why he sent her this list or what he is implying by it. When I scrolled down I was able to see his original email saying I'm sending you this link since you had asked if there was anything we thought [DS' name] might like for his birthday. This is also very typical of her -- to completely forget something that has happened in the recent past and then react rudely and/or as if we're the ones who are confused. Lady, I could give a damn what you give my son for his birthday or any other time, as long as it's not more books about my dead father!
Sorry, that turned out to be longer than I expected.
*hugs* I think it's wonderful that you have a great relationship with your MIL. Have you thought about asking her if it could be a more laid-back co-ed baby shower? That way your husband could be by your side to deflect a little of the attention, and hopefully make the situation more comfortable for you. And if she asks why just be honest, it sounds like she cares about you.
This is EXACTLY what I'm going for, and for the shyness/easily overwhelmed reason, too. Also, I've always kinda hated baby shower games, and if it's co-ed it's just like any other hang-out. Fine by me! Good luck, OP!
thanks for the support! she and I had this very conversation today- I was very honest and open- and it sounds like she is totally on board for the laid back, co-ed plan! Now if I can just get some of many people I have adopted as family of the years to attend, we will be golden!
Post by SassyPants150 on Jan 31, 2015 22:01:34 GMT -5
my FIL thinks DD needs to eat ridiculous amounts of cupcakes so every.single.time she goes there she comes back with 4 from a local bakery. Guess who eats them?
This is EXACTLY what I'm going for, and for the shyness/easily overwhelmed reason, too. Also, I've always kinda hated baby shower games, and if it's co-ed it's just like any other hang-out. Fine by me! Good luck, OP!
thanks for the support! she and I had this very conversation today- I was very honest and open- and it sounds like she is totally on board for the laid back, co-ed plan! Now if I can just get some of many people I have adopted as family of the years to attend, we will be golden!
Then Comes Family, LLC is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising
program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.