New to the board--and bordering on a meltdown...

[purplegaloshes]

Hi all,

I'm a FTM, 9w4d pregnant for the second time after a (very) early loss in September 2014. My husband and I found out on Tuesday that we are expecting twins, and we are completely overwhelmed.  We live halfway across the country from all of our close friends and family so I could attend medical school in an extremely demanding program.  We budgeted and planned very well for one baby, and the universe laughed and basically farted at us.  2015-2016 will be my final year of school, and it is known for being a bit easier than the previous three years, but something tells me there is not going to be a lot of rest for the weary in the coming months...

My husband is absolutely freaking out about finances.  We had budgeted (tightly) for daycare, insurance, and basic baby needs for ONE kid, and now all of our major expenses just doubled.  I am also a pretty health conscious person and am concerned about my health and the health of my future children--my medical background puts me so close to a lot of worst-case scenarios, so I find myself feeling incredibly anxious.

I somewhat miraculously have yet to experience true morning sickness (I've had a few days of nausea, but no vomiting at all) and want to get to a place where I can feel grateful about how easy pregnancy has been for me so far (compared to a lot of the stuff I read about people going through) and excited about my "insta-family," as my doctor referred to it during my ultrasound, but there are so many stressful unknowns that I feel like I am starting back at square one for a situation I had tried so hard to be responsible about planning as well as I could.

Right now my best friend is the only person we've told that we're expecting twins.  We told our parents we were pregnant when we were home for Christmas, but haven't talked to them about our new "development."  BFF astutely pointed out that what I really needed was to hear advice and wisdom from women who had been on the front lines--that's you guys!  I'm sure I'll have a million questions about baby gear, breastfeeding, and all of that good stuff eventually, but right now I'd settle for some wise words in broads strokes:  how did you deal?  and how did you afford this??

Sorry for the marathon post.  Clearly I've been doing some mental cycling...

[carrotcake]

First, congrats! I had my oldest during my last year of graduate school and I have a good friend who had her oldest son while she was in medical school.

Take it one day at a time. Our twins are #2 and #3 and I spent a solid two months in shock. All of a sudden everything seemed too small. But we took it one thing at a time and one decision at a time.

Babies don't need a lot or take up a lot of space. We put off a lot of "nice to haves" until they were a bit older so that we could do the "must haves".

It'll be okay. Take care of yourself and take it one day at a time.

[harti09]

Congratulations!

As others have said, take it one day at a time. Not every decision has to be made right now. It's totally okay to be overwhelmed by it all. Heck, I'm still overwhelmed by it some days. You know what though, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love being a mom to multiples. It's a very cool experience.

There are women here at all stages of pregnancy and parenthood. I can honestly say that I learned most of what I needed to know from the old board when I was pregnant.

Hang around, you'll learn a lot.

Personally, we got everything ready for the babies with much less than most people spend on one child. You can save a lot buying second hand. You also do not need two of most things. Really, it's only car seats and a place to sleep. Add some clothes, diapers, and a feeding method; and you're pretty much set. Newborns really don't require all the bells and whistles that are advertised out there.

Welcome to the board!

[kels09]

Welcome

One day at a time is the best advice I was given as well.

Also gently used items will help with the budget too. Once you get over the shock of it all try and find a local MoMs group in your area. A lot of those groups have a place where you can purchase gently used items for great prices. My local group has a swap meet once every 6 months where they all get together and sell the items their multiples have out grown. Also there is a lot of advice on here about what is necessary or must have 2 of.

[ntdane]

Take a deep breath. That's a normal reaction I think most of us had. As pp said just take it one day at a time.

Congrats on the babies. Don't over think your symptoms or lack of them. You will find that everyone experiences such a broad range of "normal" symptoms. With my singleton I had very little nausea and was never sick. With my twins I vomited twice, I think both after 11 weeks, but that's it. Still not a lot of nausea.

As for preparing financially, start saving now and keeping an eye out for opportunities to save money. Take a good look at needs vs wants and prioritize purchases. Look for consignment sales and yard sales for the basics. Also look for Moms of Multiples groups in your area. They can be a great source of help, advice, and affordable hand-me-down twin gear . I'm sure the most difficult part will be trying to juggle daycare expenses and school. I don't have any advice but I wish you luck and a happy, healthy pregnancy.

[purplegaloshes]

WOW. BFF was right. You ladies are absolutely amazing already. I can't tell you how comforting it is to hear the positive words of women who have lived through it.

@duckobf lurking around on this board, it looks like the "one up, both up" concept is probably the most common theme in advice people have given. It's very practical, and I'm a practical person, so I like it. As we get closer to the big arrival, I'm sure I'll be hitting you up for more pragmatic terms of how you applied this principle.

carrotcake Thank you--it's nice to know that others have survived on a student's budget for the first little while. A good reminder that babies are actually quite small--and thank goodness because we live in a 2bd2ba condo!

kels09 We are DEFINITELY planning on going the second hand route with anything that is safe to do so. I think we are less concerned about affording the one-time purchases (like carseats and cribs, etc) and more concerned about the big ticket monthly bills that just got doubled, like diapers and daycare. I did reach out to the local MoMs group but haven't heard back yet. Fingers crossed!

ntdane And I thought I was a unicorn for not having morning sickness! Sounds like a little n/v could still be around the corner for me--but cheers to the ladies with guts of steel!

harti09 I can tell there is abundant wisdom to be had here, and definitely plan on lurking.

[amshark]

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with twins, and I've had no morning sickness, other than a few isolated episodes of nausea. Maybe you'll dodge that bullet too.
I've heard some day care centers offer a discount for multiples, but I have yet to find one personally.
As far as diapers, consider looking into cloth diapering. I'm checking out this option now. You likely will still need disposables for daycare, but from what I've read, you can save a good deal of money by cloth diapering when they are home. I've been lurking on the new "Not Just Cloth Diapers" group for information.

[thesportsgal]

YOU AND I ARE TWINS!!! Just kidding. I'm 10 weeks too and just found out a week ago. I totally understand the shock and like the wonderful ladies on here told me, it's completely normal. And it's gotten better. I'm running with the "it is what it is" right now, and yes it will suck for awhile but things always change and they do get better!

I was remembering last night how I used to go to bed prepared to nurse my LO in the middle of the night, carrying glasses of water, my boppy, 4 nipple shields, etc. and wondering when will this end?? And you know what, it's already come and gone! And seems so long ago. While a common theme throughout these boards is "this too shall pass" it really is true.

The money part is definitely terrifying (3K/month for our daycare!!) but my husband reminds me again, it's not forever. I know that's easier said than done but we just need to hold on for a couple years and then the costs of everything go down (I think).

Are you getting enough sleep? I know after we found out I couldn't sleep for a couple days and was getting run down FAST. I bought some Tylenol PM but ended up not using it and felt a lot better mentally after I finally started getting some sleep.

I also think telling more people and watching their excitement helped too. While I admitted that I wasn't over the moon thrilled, it really was nice seeing how excited people were for us. And I do think that also helped in moving on from the shock and into acceptance.

Hang in there and let it out! It helps

[purplegaloshes]

Jan 30, 2015 10:54:52 GMT -5 thesportsgal said:

YOU AND I ARE TWINS!!! Just kidding. I'm 10 weeks too and just found out a week ago. I totally understand the shock and like the wonderful ladies on here told me, it's completely normal. And it's gotten better. I'm running with the "it is what it is" right now, and yes it will suck for awhile but things always change and they do get better!

I was remembering last night how I used to go to bed prepared to nurse my LO in the middle of the night, carrying glasses of water, my boppy, 4 nipple shields, etc. and wondering when will this end?? And you know what, it's already come and gone! And seems so long ago. While a common theme throughout these boards is "this too shall pass" it really is true.

The money part is definitely terrifying (3K/month for our daycare!!) but my husband reminds me again, it's not forever. I know that's easier said than done but we just need to hold on for a couple years and then the costs of everything go down (I think).

Are you getting enough sleep? I know after we found out I couldn't sleep for a couple days and was getting run down FAST. I bought some Tylenol PM but ended up not using it and felt a lot better mentally after I finally started getting some sleep.

I also think telling more people and watching their excitement helped too. While I admitted that I wasn't over the moon thrilled, it really was nice seeing how excited people were for us. And I do think that also helped in moving on from the shock and into acceptance.

Hang in there and let it out! It helps

Bahahah!  We are TOTALLY twins (whadda couple-a nerds).  I definitely didn't sleep for the two nights after we found out either--the first because I was on overnight trauma call and the second because I was freaking out.  Unfortunately, it landed me with a pretty killer cold that has me at home in bed today, but "this too shall pass," right?

My happy thought, that I've been using to cheer up DH when he gets overwhelmed is to think of 2020 when our kids will be entering kindergarten (meaning no more daycare, or no more full time daycare at least), turning 5, and we will all be able to go to Disneyland to celebrate everyone's birthdays (since we are all going to be within like 2 months) and no one will be a little too old, or a little too young.  Dorky, but for some reason it helps.

We are planning on telling our parents tonight, and our siblings tomorrow, so hopefully that should help me start to feel more excited.  Once we tackle the daycare finances and have a workable plan, I think we'll be over a big hump.

[SassyPants150]

Congrats and welcome!

You have already gotten a lot of great advice so I don't have much to add there. However just breathe and know that it will all work out. I am a planner so DH had just mapped out how we would handle things financially adding a new family member. Everything from handling our cars, house, savings, etc. Needless to say, that all went to hell in a hand basket so we are slowly figuring out our new approaches. It does seem overwhelming at first. After that it becomes the new normal.

[kimstargazer1986]

Congrats! It can be really scary. I found out I was pregnant right after accepting a new job. I didn't have sick leave built up so money has been very tight. I'm also working on my master's and graduating next year.

You live one day at a time. I also suggest finding a local multiples group. Our group has regular consignment sales. We sold some of dd clothes and got a good deal on a swing.

You can also find programs for parents of multiples. When I became a member of the local multiples group they sent me a list of all these places where you can get things after having multiples.

Also you don't always need 2 of everything. Start off with one and then get a second if you feel you need it.

[mrsp419]

Congratulations, friend!
My meltdown was different than yours, but I had one just the same. I have two older kids, but they were only 2 and 4 when my twins came. We were absolutely trying NOT to get pregnant for at least another year. And then we got pregnant twins. SO MUCH SHOCK! My meltdown centered around how I would parent two older kids and still enjoy my new babies. The newborn phase is tough for any kids, and I felt that twins would be pure misery. I spent a lot of my pregnancy freaking out and being worried and just not looking forward to it.
But here's the thing: it has been amazing. My faith is a big thing to me, and I prayed a lot during my pregnancy that I would just enjoy them and have peace when they came. From the moment they were pulled out of me, I have felt bathed with peace and joy over them. Yes, we have times that are super overwhelming and exhausting, but overall, it has been such an amazing experience. I love being a mom of twins, and feel really special to be in this "club." The connection is super cool. Other twin moms come out of the woodwork when you also have twins, and you instantly connect.
From a financial standpoint, it can be overwhelming. I am a SAHM (you are amazing for being in med school period!), so I think we were a bit less stressed financially because at this point, we are used to being super tight. We qualify for WIC which helped with formula supplementing, and I primarily breastfed. I did not cloth diaper my twins because I have two older kids and the laundry is insane for four kids, but if they were my first two, I totally would have cloth diapered. I did with my older two and loved it, and wish I could have handled it this time! Shop consignment and on yard sales and re-sales, and find places or friends to get hand me downs from. I totally agree with the PP who said you don't need two of everything. My girls slept in the same pack and play for 4 months (now are in separate cribs). They had one swing, but have two jumperoos. They share most toys and clothes. You can also re-sell anything you have as soon as you are done with it. We don't have the space to keep our baby gear past the stage they are needed, so once we move on to something new, we try to store or sell the previous stuff.
Anyway, you are going to be just fine. It is totally OK to freak out and not be totally happy right away (or even for your whole pregnancy, like me). You are going to love those babies and you will know what to do as the time comes. Take it one day at a time!

[bandteacher]

Congrats! It took me at least a week to come to terms with having twins. And yes, the first few months sucked, but now mine are almost a year old and it's so much fun. DH and I are both on lexapro for ppd. I hope you have some help for the first few months lined up. But as PPs have said, it will pass.
We buy clothes second hand to save money. You can do it!

[purplegaloshes]

Thank you so much, all, for your kind and encouraging words. We have turned a corner in less than a week and identified some really great financial resources that I think will make the difference until I finish school and we become a double income family again. DH and I have made SO much progress in planning and attitude in just a few days--I'm finally starting to feel excited and encouraged again!

thesportsgal We told our parents about the twins, and all of our siblings about everything on Friday and Saturday--it was so much fun! It was especially fun to have the twin bomb to drop on our siblings, since I think most of them expected that we were calling to tell them about a pregnancy--no one expected two! You were totally right--the energy from their excitement totally transferred over and it's like we hit a reset button.

I'm now feeling quite attached to the idea of my two little prunes and am just crossing my fingers for a LONG and healthy pregnancy. The support here cannot be matched--thanks again to everyone.

[mymorningcoffee]

I am so glad to see that you are feeling better. It is definitely a wild ride, but it is also pretty wonderful.

[breezyweezer]

Welcome and congratulations! It is my last semester of school as well. I totally feel you on the money anxiety..My fiance supports us on $1,100/month and I just don't know how we are going to make it with two babies since we struggle as it is with NO babies, lol. Hang in there! It is such a crazy thing but a wonderful thing too. I just plan to live verrrry frugally which luckily we are good at cuz we have to be, haha! I have been buying things used from thrift stores and yard sales and that has helped A LOT. I have gotten so many good deals by watching the yard sale sites on FB like a hawk for deals on baby stuff. I still have mini panic attacks thinking about everything, but then I remember how awesome it is and it goes away. Good luck.

[lupineaura]

Welcome and congrats!

I'm 23 weeks along, and it took me many weeks to get to the "excited" part- I was very overwhelmed/terrified at first, and even a little disappointed that I wasn't having just one baby. I would only admit that to you ladies. It basically took awhile to let go of my image of what I had planned. These babies are #2 and #3 for us, and we were ever only planning on two children.

The financial aspect is the scariest for me as well. Not so much the items- there is very little you need two of, and you'll find people are generous! I hope you can have a baby shower; having your twins first makes THAT part a little easier financially (since this is my second pregnancy, I'm buying what I need, no shower). One big thing we had to worry about was a car that can fit three seats, but that won't be an issue for you. The only other big thing is childcare. That really does stink. A lot of places do have a second child discount, so be sure to ask about that. Also, I never thought I would have a nanny, but since I'll have three little ones (my oldest is only 2), it is actually starting to make financial sense for me.

I'm with you on the family thing- no free childcare for me, either

You'll make it work. I'm sure you can think if people who are poorer than you who have kids who are surviving! Maybe not a nice way to look at it, but still...

You'll also be saving money on dining out and entertainment, ha.

Good luck!

[twinmomma]

Just a little more "practical" advice for you, since you said you appreciate that.
- Definitely sock away savings now, so that you have a cushion, like someone else mentioned
- Cloth diapers saved us a fortune! And, you can find them used, to save even more on the up front costs. And some day cares will accept them, but I think they generally require pocket diapers since they are the most like disposables. Just ask around as you day care shop.
- Breast feeding obviously saves a ton, but try not to stress about feeding two at once. Just take it as it comes and see how it works for you. I know a lot of ladies on here have been very successful with it. I made it to 9 months, with a full time job and pumping.
- A nanny could be a great childcare alternative, and it takes a lot of the stress off. Our nanny is much cheaper than day care times 2 around here, and she comes to us, picks up the house, and does laundry! Look into care.com and sittercity.com to price out what nannies in your area look like, it might be a good route to go.
- Get into the habit of meal planning now, if you don't already. Seriously. Meal planning has helped us save a ton of money on groceries, and it's just one less thing to worry about while taking care of two kids. If you don't already do it, start before they're born so that you're already in the habit, since it takes some getting used to.

[jessimi06]

Congrats and welcome! You've gotten a lot of great advice from the ladies above, so I don't have much to add. I do want to stress the importance of socking away as much money as you can now. When we found out, we made a budget and got rid of a lot of extras and cut back. It definitely came in handy as I'm now on bed rest and have been since 18 weeks (due to previa, not necessarily twins).