**Loss Trigger Warning** Sympathy/Holiday Gift for Loss Mom

[ohinvrtedworld]

Hi gang, *all the warnings* about a friend's loss below --



She was forced to deliver her baby during second tri last night and had to say goodbye. I'm devastated that I live in another state and can't be with her at all or do anything in person to help.

I definitely want to send her something to know that she's in my prayers and that I want to celebrate her daughter's life from where I am. Do any of you think that a holiday-related memento would be appropriate? On the one hand, her daughter will always be her first baby and I would love to find something that commemorates her life at Christmas, but I also know that my friend's feelings may be raw thinking about a Christmas where her daughter isn't there and I don't want to add bitterness to the pain she already is experiencing.

Is that a good idea? If so or if not, do any of you guys have ideas of what might be something meaningful to send her? 

Thanks for any help. 

[butlerfan]

I think no matter what it will be hard for her this Christmas but I think doing something is better than not doing something. What about and ornament something like this?: www.etsy.com/listing/245341857/infant-child-loss-miscarriage-stillborn?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_d-home_and_living-home_decor-ornaments_and_accents&utm_custom1=5c17abe0-72b2-4b6a-87f1-67e4e7ada11b&gclid=CJK83MPwl8kCFQuSaQodLWgDtw

[butlerfan]

Or here is more selection:

www.cafepress.com/+miscarriage+ornaments

[icaughtfire]

(Lurking)

I think the gesture is nice and will definitely be appreciated. I don't think I would necessarily go holiday themed. This is something that she will think of all throughout the year. She's not just mourning a loss that occurred during the holiday season, she's mourning the loss of birthdays, first steps, first words, first days of school, first dance, first car, the list goes on & on. I feel like a holiday themed gift commemorates the time of her loss, but not necessarily the loss of her child. Does that make sense?

However you decide, I'm sure she'll be thankful for your support.

[ohinvrtedworld]

icaughtfire, that totally makes sense and is exactly why I wanted opinions, so thank you for yours. I hadn't thought as much about it being maybe too focused on the time of year that we're in.

[doodler]

I agree with the advice above.

This is not as meaningful, but if you want to send something right away, I received two food deliveries right after my D&C. One was from Jack Stack BBQ and one was from Omaha Steaks. That couldn't have been more helpful and I was so appreciative because the last thing I wanted to do was shop or cook.

ETA:  butlerfan I love that first ornament you posted.  I want to buy it for myself now!

[ohinvrtedworld]

Nov 17, 2015 11:55:52 GMT -5 doodler said:

I agree with the advice above.

This is not as meaningful, but if you want to send something right away, I received two food deliveries right after my D&C. One was from Jack Stack BBQ and one was from Omaha Steaks. That couldn't have been more helpful and I was so appreciative because the last thing I wanted to do was shop or cook.

Thanks for this idea too. Maybe I can find something more memento-like and then something practical like this.

[LadyNymeria]

My heart goes out to your friend. I'm so sorry for her loss.

I agree with icaughtfire. Any gesture will mean a lot, but I personally would prefer a non-holiday themed memento as her loss and the impact it will have on her life is not confined to the holiday season.

I also suggest keeping her beliefs in thought as your looking for a gift. I am not religious at all so while thinking of my lost LO as an Angel baby is ok for me, I would prefer to stay away from the idea that I have a baby in Heaven. This is something that certainly differs person to person, so I just wanted to put this out there as something to think about.

[notagoddess]

The holidays are especially hard after a loss. I think sending an ornament acknowledging your friend's daughter would be very thoughtful. She is not going to be bitter because of the gift, she will appreciate it. There are some beautiful options out there.

I bought myself an angel wing necklace to keep a symbol of my daughter close to my heart. It was comforting in a small way, because with a loss of pregnancy, you lose that physical connection with your child. If she wears jewelry that could be another idea that would show your caring and concern.

One of my friends knit me a scarf after my loss, and sent it to me with a note saying she knows my winter will be especially cold this year. That was a non-holiday-specific gesture that I loved.

I appreciated all the gestures my friends showed, so I'm sure your friend will feel love and support whatever you do. Just don't forget other times that will be especially hard, like the EDD and Mother's Day. A card or note on those occasions will be much appreciated. By then most people will have moved on, but the loss will still be very painful for your friend.

[cjchio]

I can't speak from the perspective of the loss of a child, but I just wanted to throw this out:

My FIL passed away in December 2 years ago, and while my husband thought the gestures were nice later,at the time when the loss was fresh he did not like the holidays being incorporated into tokens people gave him for his loss. He said it really bothered him.

If it were me, I'd maybe not tie her loss to anything holiday themed. But that's just me. If you think it wouldn't bother her, go for it.

[penguin129]

I think you've gotten some great advice from the ladies above. I just wanted to say I think what you are doing is so thoughtful.

[peaseblossom55]

Having had a second trimester loss, I got so many flowers it was nice to know people were thinking of us and her.
My friend who I grew up with sent us a plaque for our backyard and garden. I love it. I know it's something that will last beyond flowers and we will have to remember in our garden. We had friends make donations in her name and also include her in prayer groups in church ( including St. Patrick Cathedral in NYC!) I had other friends send books and candy, another sent a necklace of her birthstone.

An ornament might be too soon, but anything you do, even a card will let her know you are thinking of her and her loss.

I'm so so sorry for your friend's loss.

[cheezee]

I have gotten this wind chime for a couple friends who have had losses and they all love it. link

[LadyNymeria]

Nov 17, 2015 12:42:55 GMT -5 cheezee said:

I have gotten this wind chime for a couple friends who have had losses and they all love it. link

That's beautiful!

[ohinvrtedworld]

Thank you guys for all your suggestions and thoughts!

[thechickencoop]

What icaughtfire and other said, I would stay away from 'holiday' type stuff.

How about food delivery? Like one of those Plated type things where they would deliver the ingredients and all your friend or her H would have to do is toss it together? Or gift cards to yummy local carry out places?

I am so incredibly sorry for your friend and while I've never experienced that kind of loss I know that anytime I'm feeling down the last freakin thing I want to do is think about cooking.

[mosdub]

Great advice above. The ornament idea is nice but I personally don't know if I would want it tied to a holiday either.

When we had our loss we received 5-7 bouquets which were all nice but...too many damn flowers. It was heartwarming to know how many people cared and loved us but what do you do with that many bouquets? We took some to our parents' houses.

I think what I appreciated the most were cards with simple notes and a food basket. It had a variety of simple grocery items (peanut butter, bread, fruits, chocolate, jams, salad dressing, etc) and it just made eating/living a little easier. I still think of that and how nice that was, especially since it was from peripheral people in my work-life who didn't even know me but see me walking the halls everyday.

[kayladawn91]

I am so sorry for your friend's loss.

I bought myself an ornament to memorialize my loss and I love the idea of having that on our tree. But I can see how others might not. I like the windchime that cheezee posted and there are some other great ideas on here.

Very few people know of our loss, but I would have appreciated anything that anyone would have done. It's certainly a time when she needs support more than anything and I think it's very sweet of you to think of sending her a gift.

[ohinvrtedworld]

You guys with the prevailing opinion have me convinced -- I'm not going the holiday-related route at all just in case. Thanks SO much for the links to different ideas, they are beautiful and I'm going to pick something commemorative and either do a food giftcard or some meal delivery gift.

I'm so sorry that this is a topic so many of us have to know about

[adorebel]

Hi lady,

This is so thoughtful and amazing. I had an early 2nd tri loss, but it was horrific and my heart goes out to her.

I kind of agree with PPs that a holiday ornament may be too raw this year, and too distant to wait until next year to be able to take out and look at again.

My best friends did two things that carried me through my loss:

1) Sent flowers (but I also like, or maybe even prefer, the idea of a potted plant, perennial flower, or little tree you could move outside in the springtime and keep as a memento of your loss baby forever).

2) Called every week and left voicemails with lovely words, including telling me they didn't expect me to pick up or call back. I needed the support but couldn't manage the conversations.

T&Ps for your friend. How heartbreaking.

[renbee]

(Lurking)

After my first loss I purchased this necklace with my baby's birthstone on it: www.etsy.com/listing/76402773/sterling-silver-flying-swallow-bird

It is a nice reminder for me, but I like that it's not immediately apparent what the meaning of the necklace is.

[kayladawn91]

Nov 17, 2015 21:48:04 GMT -5 renbee said:

(Lurking)

After my first loss I purchased this necklace with my baby's birthstone on it: www.etsy.com/listing/76402773/sterling-silver-flying-swallow-bird

It is a nice reminder for me, but I like that it's not immediately apparent what the meaning of the necklace is.

I love that, it's beautiful.

[lovetruly2015]

I don't know where DH got it or how much it cost but he found someone online who made a necklace out of Connor's foot prints with his birthday on the back. I love it, I wear it ever day. Its nice to have a small piece of him with me every day. Its looks kinda bronzish because it needs to be cleaned its actually silver.





Random fact. I've been wearing this necklace for almost a year and I just notice they spelt Connor's name wrong. Oh well im not giving up my necklace.

[singingsea]

Phone calls, flowers and food delivery.