Book or Website Suggestions

[mustloveerica]

Hello, ladies.

If this is not an appropriate place for this please let me know.

DH and I have been discussing the possibility of adoption. This is not something we want to rush in to, but due to limited knowledge of the subject our conversations are full of questions and if's. We have too many questions to even list here. We just don't know where to start! Does anyone have any recommendations of books or websites? We are looking for some ideas of how to make the decision to adopt and ultimately how to even begin the process as well as what goes into adoption. We want to make sure we are fully informed before we make the final decision.

Thank you so much for your help and again if this doesn't belong here I apologize.

[gnomesweetgnome]

AdoptiveFamilies.com is a good website! I will go over to the Bump and salvage our FAQ thread, which has a lot of this kind of info in it. Stay tuned!

[Captain Serious]

I read a ton of adoption and parenting books, covering a lot of areas. Here's a list of most of them, with comments next to the ones I thought were best.

General Adoption

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption <http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Adoption-Second-Edition/dp/159257274X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355497478&sr=8-1&keywords=idiots+guide+adoption> - Great introductory guide that sets out the basics of adoption, the different types, and common issues that can arise

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew <http://www.amazon.com/Twenty-Things-Adopted-Adoptive-Parents/dp/044050838X/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1355497935&sr=8-7&keywords=toddler+adoption> - My first insight into the fact that there is pain/loss involved in adoption, and it really prepared me for some of the things my children go through and what kind of things might be triggers for their pain

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother <http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Thoughts-Adoptive-Mother-Wolff/dp/0967214319/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355498125&sr=8-1&keywords=secrets+of+an+adoptive+mother> - Geared more toward mothers who adopted after IF, but has stuff for all adoptive mothers. Let me feel normal about some of my mixed feelings about adoption even when I felt the world expected me to always be over the moon happy

International Adoption: Sensitive Advice for Prospective Parents <http://www.amazon.com/International-Adoption-Sensitive-Prospective-Parents/dp/1556522118/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355499045&sr=8-1&keywords=international+adoption+sensitive+advice+for+prospective+parents>

Supporting an Adoption <http://www.amazon.com/Supporting-Adoption-Pat-Holmes/dp/0961187212/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355498883&sr=8-1&keywords=supporting+an+adoption>

When Friends Ask About Adoption: Question & Answer Guide for Non-Adoptive Parents and Other Caring Adults <http://www.amazon.com/When-Friends-Ask-About-Adoption/dp/0961955902/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355498913&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=when+friends+ask+aboutadoption>

General Parenting

Parenting With Love And Logic <http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Logic-Updated-Expanded-Edition/dp/1576839540/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355497593&sr=8-1&keywords=parenting+with+love+and+logic> - This book's main premise forms the basis of our parenting philosophy, but as with all parenting books, there are a lot of specifics that you have to sift through and take only what you are comfortable with

1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 <http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1355497624&sr=8-12&keywords=parenting> - This book helped us get through the worst period with M, when he threw every acting-out behavior at us he could think of. We never applied it the way the book explains, but just clung to the principle of not letting him see us affected by his behavior and always remaining calm and enforcing discipline with cool reserve. It was a life-saver!

Positive Discipline <http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Jane-Nelsen-Ed-D/dp/0345487672/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355497864&sr=8-1&keywords=positive+discipline>

Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, 5th Edition: Birth to Age 5 (Shelov, Caring for your Baby and Young Child, Birth to Age 5) <http://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Young-Child-Edition/dp/0553386301/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355498984&sr=8-1&keywords=Caring+for+Your+Baby+and+Young+Child%2C+Revised+Edition%3A+Birth+to+Age+5+%28Shelov%2C+Caring+for+your+Baby+and+Young+Child%2C+Birth+to+Age+5%29>

Parenting Adopted Children

Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years <http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Your-Internationally-Adopted-Child/dp/1558323252/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1355497935&sr=8-6&keywords=toddler+adoption> - Great guide for what your child's adjustment will entail and points out all the issues that may present themselves with advice on how to deal with them

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents <http://www.amazon.com/Attaching-Adoption-Practical-Todays-Parents/dp/0944934293/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1355497540&sr=8-2&keywords=attaching+in+adoption> - Great book on attachment

I Love You Rituals <http://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Rituals-Becky-Bailey/dp/0688161170/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355498685&sr=8-1&keywords=I+Love+You+Rituals> - If things are really tough and you are looking for ways to reach out and foster attachment even when you don't think you have it in you (and believe me, I've been there), this book has great ideas for little things you can do to break through

Adopting Older Kids/Parenting Hurt Children

Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft <http://www.amazon.com/Toddler-Adoption-The-Weavers-Craft/dp/1849058946/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355497935&sr=8-1&keywords=toddler+adoption>

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow <http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Hurt-Child-Adoptive-Hollywood/dp/1600062903/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355498193&sr=8-1&keywords=hurt+children> - This book is the one that I always recommend first to parents adopting older children. It really helped us understand what we were dealing with and how to best approach it. It can be scary, because they talk about really bad cases, but it was so relatable and helped us avoid many pitfalls--especially triangulation!

Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families <http://www.amazon.com/Wounded-Children-Healing-Homes-Traumatized/dp/1615215689/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355498468&sr=8-1&keywords=wounded+children> - This book was the first that really captured how I felt. It's more about the impact that raising a hurt child can have on the rest of the family, and was very honest. I couldn't believe that the emotions I felt were actually being written about so openly.

Next Steps in Parenting the Child Who Hurts <http://www.amazon.com/Next-Steps-Parenting-Child-Hurts/dp/1853028029/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355498516&sr=8-1&keywords=Next+Steps+in+Parenting+the+Child+Who+Hurts>

When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD <http://www.amazon.com/When-Love-Not-Enough-Parenting/dp/0970352549/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1355498619&sr=8-2&keywords=When+Love+Is+Not+Enough> , Healing Trust (3 CD set), and Taming the Tiger While It's Still a Kitten (lecture on CD with booklet, www.attachment-store.org/taming-the-tiger-while-its-still-a-kitten.html) are good resources to understand children with attachment difficulties. They really helped me get the full understanding of the child's mentality as they go through the process. I personally felt that the techniques were too heavy-handed, but that's likely because I wasn't dealing with a child who had RAD. Still, the insight into their fear and how they act and manipulate relationships because of it was invaluable in understanding my sons. These books/CDs really made me feel like I had a better understanding of what they had to go through, how they were going to do it, and why they were acting the way they were. It made me feel more in control, because I knew what we were going through was normal, I wasn't completely messing up, and that this was all just part of the process they had to go through.

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors <http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Consequences-Logic-Control-Attachment-Challenged/dp/0977704009/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368805596&sr=8-1&keywords=beyond+consequences> - Presents a different/new way to interpret (and therefore respond to) the behaviors of children with traumatic pasts. It was recommended to me by many parents of children with RAD and FASD, and they swear it’s the only thing that worked with their kids. Basically, it urges parents to first foster a non-punitive, non-judging, nurturing relationship with the child to quell their fears, calm them, and build a relationship of trust and respect before focusing on correcting their behaviors. This book is pretty much the exact opposite in many ways to Nancy Thomas’ approach and many of the others above, but I think they all have their place, depending on the child and situation.

[Captain Serious]

Hello, and welcome!  This is the perfect place to ask.

I usually suggest that people considering adoption should check out an introductory book on the subject, because there are so many different kinds of adoption, each with its own process. I think books like Adoption for Dummies or The Complete Idiot's Guide To Adoption (which I used) are a great place to get started. They provide lots of basic information on adoption, the different types, the processes, and how to research an agency. Other good books are The Complete Adoption Book and You CAN Adopt. Any of these will help you decide which type of adoption best “fits” your family.



If you then decide that domestic adoption is right for your family, you’ll need to find a good agency or decide to pursue an independent adoption. I highly recommend researching any agency you are considering to make sure it abides by ethical standards. For domestic agencies, a great place to look them up is on the yahoo group called "AARD" (Adoption Agency Research – Domestic). That group is dedicated to giving honest feedback on agencies. You can ask about the agencies you are interested in directly, and also search their archives and files.


If you choose to foster/foster-adopt, you'll need to reach out to your state agency, and they'll be able to provide information to get you started.


If you choose international, you’ll then need to pick from which country. The US Department of State's website lists the requirements to adopt from each country (http://adoption.state.gov/). I always recommend you find a country that you wish to adopt from first, and then chose an agency that has a strong program in that country. There are some great agencies that have some really strong programs in countries they've been working in for some time...and some fledgling programs in countries that are new to them. Even though these agencies are generally highly recommended, their newer programs may not work as well as those that are more renowned, because they haven't had the time and experience to figure out all the kinks, establish strong contacts, and become aware of all the pitfalls. It's also a good idea to find an agency that has a strong program in more than one country you are interested in. Adoption programs can be very volatile, as they are dependent on the laws of multiple countries/compacts, diplomatic relations, public perception, etc. It's not unheard of for a country to drastically slow down their process or close entirely, and if your agency specializes in more than one country you are interested in, you should be able to transfer to another program with limited difficulty or cost (you should make sure of this when interviewing agencies). The yahoo group "Adoption Agency Research" is a phenomenal resource for vetting agencies, and works the same way as “AARD.”



Good luck!


ETA:  I've recently heard that the FB groups AARD and Adoption Research are either not accepting new members or have been volatile at times.  I'm sorry to hear this, as they were phenomenal resources when I went through the process.  I suggest checking them out for yourself and hopefully they are back, functioning to their fullest capacity.

[gnomesweetgnome]

goodbyecb.proboards.com/thread/7652/faqs-thread-work-progress

[mustloveerica]

Wow this is wonderful! Thank you everyone. I definitely have some reading to do!!