Too Infertile to Foster?

[daystardreams]

Hi guys! I post here sometimes. We were planning to start the fostering paperwork in September but that got thrown all around by a miscarriage, buying a house, and my sister and niece staying with us while she gets back on her feet. However, we still talk about it all the time.

Several months ago I read a blog post about a woman's fostering journey or something and in the comments there was a debate about the difference between foster parents who are called by God (usually after having biological children) and foster parents that choose to do foster care after infertility. (wish I had the link but I don't)

Some spiteful women were saying that infertile women didn't make as good of foster parents because they will not be able to support reunion. Some of the hateful women went as far to say infertile women were broken, unstable, and incompetent. I shrugged it off and quit reading it but for some reason it has stuck with me.

I've tried looking up the affect being infertile has on foster parenting but I haven't really found what I'm looking for. How hard is it to be infertile and still support reunion? How hard is it to send the children home? I truly believe children belong with their families if at all possible but does your mind change when you fall in love with a little human? Does asking these questions mean I'm not emotionally ready to be a foster parent? Is anybody ever emotionally prepared to be a foster parent?

I'm trying to work through this now so I can be ready when my spare rooms are not occupied by my sister and niece but I'm scared I might never be ready. We do hope to someday permanently grow our family through foster care but I also think helping families reunite would be so rewarding. Maybe this is just scared "Can we really do this?" jitters...but anybody care to lend some advice? TIA!

[lizblue]

I keep coming back to this post and don't have all the right words to get across what i want to say. I will say that the fact that you are asking all of these questions DOES NOT mean that you are not emotionally ready to be a foster parent. In fact, I think it means the opposite.

As to infertility affecting our ability to be good parents (of any kind), I think that's a load of horse shit. So this all powerful god calls some women directly to foster parenthood after blessing them with biological children, but others he makes infertile and no babies for them? Oh, ok. I can't believe in such a god.

Supporting reunification is a hard thing to wrap ones brain and heart around - for anyone. Having gone through infertility will color the way you parent and the way you foster in the way that anything can color it.

I do wonder about what my life would look like if we chose adoption first, before (and instead of) infertility treatments. Honestly, I don't know that anything would be all that different. I wish we had started sooner but also, for me, going through IF treatments made me realize that it was my desire to parent that was so strong, not my desire for biological offspring.

Healing from the grief of infertility is a real thing, but no - there is no part of me that thinks that makes it harder for you to be a good foster parent (if that is what you want to be).

[pinkie]

I'm speaking from no foster experience so take anything I say with a grain of salt.

We had a very long struggle with IF - we were pretty broken and defeated when we started waiting for adoption. We wanted to be parents more than anything. We were pretty impatient with our first wait. Every step I would get upset when it took so long. We waited 2 yrs for our older son and it might as well have been 100 years. I remember sitting in a hotel room out of town after he was born totally petrified that his birth mom would change her mind. We needed him so much. I feel parenting him healed many of our wounds.

By the time we waited for our little guy we were way more calm, ok with "what's meant to be will be". Not that we loved or love him any less but we were already past our IF wounds. It was just a totally different experience.

I don't think anyone is too infertile to foster. I dont know if it would be more difficult to handle reunification because of IF. I don't know much about foster because I know we could not handle getting attached to a child and hoping for reunification. These are the reasons we pursued DIA. Please don't listen to people who post these mean and hateful things, they don't know you and only you can know what is right for you.

[Rogue]

We talked to our social worker about infertility. She supports us in going into foster care and has said it could be very therapeutic for us. To the point of saying rather than us having one or two biological children we will touch the lives of so many more and know that we helped them become who they are.

[Deleted]

I have a few thoughts about this, but feel free to PM me as well. We started the foster care journey while still TTC and still are TTC. We've been "trying" for about a year and a half and have had one loss. We have not done any diagnostics yet, are still trying to decide about that as our insurance doesn't cover any of that.

Going into foster care, I naively thought it would fix all my sad feelings about not having biological children. I was less worried about my feelings about reunification. Honestly, after going through all the training, I felt so encouraged about being a part of helping hurting families stay or get back together.

Our current placement is a tween boy and his toddler-aged sister. We had her for a week before she went back to her mom. I felt concerned for her long term safety of course, but her mom and I were able to rejoice together on the phone when she called to tell me she had been approved to bring her home. I genuinely felt so happy for them. I think the hardest thing would be sending a kid back into a situation that does not feel safe. And I think all foster parents feel that way, whether or not they've dealt with infertility. On that front, my mindset has been-I hope that each kid that comes into our home can look back and remember that they were loved; no matter what happens after they go home.

I will say that foster care has brought up other emotions that I had no idea that I would feel. Sometimes I just feel really angry. Not even about the obvious-why did this kid's parents get to have kids? But instead, like foster care is a sort of knock off to a "real" family; or the family I envisioned I would have. Like, we are making all these memories with someone else's kid. Random things will trigger this for me; decorating our Christmas tree, which was so special for our foster kiddo.

I've read in so many books that it is important to grieve over your infertility before adopting. I did not think I was so sad about it until we were in the thick of it. And that could also be because we had our loss about a month after our foster kid came into our home. All that to say, I know that our foster kiddo is in the place HE needs to be-with us. So I do not regret at all doing things the way we've done them. The stuff I'm dealing with is my stuff, and I have to be so mindful not to put it on him.

I think my main advice is not to wait to do foster care; but to be realistic about what you can handle. We were open to any age, and again, by doing so we have a kid that is in the place he needs to be; but now, I would like to take younger kids and even babies. We turned down a few placements initially too because we were worried we would not be able to handle the kids' issues. That was the right decision too.

But as everyone on this board doing foster care can attest-it is honestly so rewarding. Our foster kiddo is a grade behind but is pulling A's and B's this year. He never believed he was capable of that. He is playing sports for the first time; something he'd always wanted to do growing up. By doing foster care, we can be part of totally changing the trajectory of a kid's life. That is so exciting.

[butlerfan]

I call BS on this. We are still coming to terms with our IF in some ways but we have had many discussions, etc on adopting, fostering, going through IVF and we have realized that we want a child(ren) more than the need to be biological parents. While of course that would be nice we don't feel like it is worth it for us to go through IVF and the side effects on that for me. Will it be hard to have foster children go back home-of course but if that is now a good situation it would be better for them to go back to their parents. If it isn't a good situation yet we would be speaking up and I'm sure the social worker(s) would be as well.

We are very early in the process (like just starting to contact foster care to find out all requirements/training, etc) so don't have any first hand experience but still.

[ceejay]

MH and I are somewhat unique in that we have always planned to primarily grow our family through foster care and adoption, but had planned to have one biological child first. When we didn't get pregnant right away, we decided to go ahead and start the foster care licensing process, thinking that even if we did get pregnant during the process, it would be easier to do all the classes and paperwork before having a little one to care for. We received our foster care license in August, got our first placement of 2 little boys in September, and received our MFI diagnosis in October after we had been TTC for 1 year.

Having been a foster parent for ~3 months, I would say that one of the most difficult things for myself (and probably many foster parents) is (mentally) trying to support reunification and thinking about our little boys going home. It's still early in their case, so we don't know at this point if they will return home or be able to be adopted by us in the future, but the current goal for them is return home. We are already so attached and in love with these boys, but we know that they might not be ours forever. I think we would feel that way whether we were infertile or not. Foster parenting is a special and rewarding thing, but it is also challenging and causes a mix of emotions. We want to support the boys' bio parents and will support return home if that's what happens, but we also love these little boys and want them to be safe, and currently their bio parents' home is not a safe environment.

I guess I'm kind of rambling here, but my point is that infertility or not, one of the most difficult parts of fostering is having your heart pulled in 2 directions: wanting to support the goal of foster care and the reunification of families, and loving the little ones in your home so much that you don't want to say goodbye. It can be a challenge for anyone. You just have to take it one day at a time, and know that you are making a difference in these kids' lives, whether you are their parents for a few months, a few years, or forever.

[daystardreams]

lizblue I felt the same way you did about the hateful posters (as did plenty of other people) but for some reason their words have stuck with me...but thank you for your words. It helps to know that it isn't silly to give myself time to grieve my infertility.

pinkie Thank you, also. I'm pretty impatient too about everything regarding future children.

Rogue Your social worker has a beautiful view on infertility and fostering. I love that, thank you for sharing!

@helgahufflepuff Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I have been thinking once I'm "strong" again and no longer have little break downs every now and then about loss/infertility then I will be strong enough to do foster care. My worry is constantly that I'll never be strong enough but I'm glad to see it is possible to be strong enough to parent a child that isn't and may never be my own even if I still mourn the loss of all that comes with infertility. That's so great about the grades and sports, too!

butlerfan We are leaning toward not pursuing IUI or IVF either but are still on the fence...

ceejay DH and I always planned to foster too although we planned to have two or three kids and then start fostering when the youngest was 7 or 8ish. Pretty much everything you are saying is exactly how I think I would feel as a foster parent too.

Thank you guys for your help. I was feeling pretty low yesterday when I posted this but just reading your stories and insights has cheered me up.

[gnomesweetgnome]

I have a slightly different perspective since we were IF, adopted an infant, and hen pursued foster care. But I will say that the grief/ recovery period for IF is always ongoing. The ache to be a parent goes away as you adopt or foster, but the desire to experience pregnancy, childbirth, etc. doesn't go away entirely, at least in my experience.

I don't know how IF colors my desire for kids to be reunified with their families at this point. Our first placements maybe going to fictivr kin soon, or not. Chances are high that they will eventually be reunified with their mom and later end up in cars again (she has 9 children total and this is at least the 2nd time the older 6 have been in care in 5 years). I believe they should be with their family if possible. In other cases I have a harder time believing reunification is the best idea.

Foster care will challenge you emotionally more than any other life experience, IMO. It is hard on so many different levels. People don't understand it, and often your family doesn't look like people expect it. Parenting these kids is different from parenting biological children and people don't understand that, either. And honestly, I don't think anyone is ever truly prepared for everything this process throws at you. But you figure it out.

Sorry for rambling, I have lots of thoughts and feelings about this whole subject.

[frenchteachermama]

I think PPs have covered everything beautifully. I'm just at the beginning of this journey so I don't have as much advice for you. Best of luck!

[daystardreams]

gnomesweetgnome and frenchteachermama Thank you!

[akafred]

Yo be clear, I think that attitude is complete hogwash. Good parents are good parents no matter how they come to be parents, and bad parents are bad parents regardless also. Hopefully the home study process helps prevent some bad parents from becoming parents, but I doubt it.

HOWEVER, this is a fairly prevalent sentiment, wrong as it is. Some social workers feel that way too. We ran into a few, both in licensing (who were vocal that IF couples should adopt from a private situation) and in placement. One person would not place children with IF couples and had gotten in trouble for it before, but not fired. And I've heard this from other people who encountered that attitude also. And I've had more than one person I thought was a friend say something like, "Maybe there's a reason you can't have kids." Not friends for long!