Where did you start?

[Stringy]

I have a newbie question from me, a non-newbie.

But I have some friends who are starting to look into TTC, and besides sitting and telling them everything I know (which I'm sure I'll do at some point), I told them I'd send them some info.  For me, I spent way too much time googling, and ended up on this forum on TB back when it was pretty busy, and learned a good amount there.

I figure I'll send them to the DSR site about choosing a bank, and my bank's site (since I'd recc it).  And then what else? I'm not sure. Something about assisted conception methods and options?

What would you send a friend who is just starting out but not ready for way too much information thrown at them by me, who is super excited that they are embarking on this?

[rikkiandjulie]

We purchased the book everything you need to know about lesbian pregnancy. It was so so so helpful

[crazyaunt84]

We started on the sperm bank websites, and ultimately ended up choosing Pacific Reproductive Services. They had a "How to get started" link, and I read up. They require medical clearance to ship sperm, so I made an appt. with my regular OB, got a checkup, got the forms signed and we were on our way.

It's super daunting, I agree. I've got a friend who has been trying for more than a year and has just made an appt. with the fertility clinic - I'm trying SO hard to be helpful but not bombard her with info. It's tough!

[karlamo]

Stringy, Are they local to us? The reason I ask is because we went through Fenway's AI program. They have a free information session where they go over how to do ICI's, IUI's, how to temp etc. It was very helpful. We actually did all our IUI's there since our insurance required medical documentation before they would cover any fertility costs. Which reminds me they should check out their insurance coverage too.

[kekaellypula]

Get everything tested to make sure that everything is working so that way they pick the right path. For me. I had to start with medicated IUI right away.

[kh826]

I started with the RE. I did virtually no research prior to my initial RE visit. Everyone's approach is different, but for us that felt like the best place to start. Once we had a RE that we trusted and had an idea of what the process *could* look like for us, then we started reading (Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and random blogs were honestly the best resources that I found after my initial meeting with the RE). Then we picked a sperm bank - the RE recommended three, and we researched those and picked the one we thought was the best fit.

Some people start with at home insems, etc., so starting with the RE as step 1 wouldn't be a good fit, but for us we wanted all the medical/technical help we could get, and we wanted that info first before we started drowning in other people's personal experiences, etc.

[cetcar]

I'm sure CAR will add to this, but it's a bit down to how comfortable they are with medical intervention vs at home insem and the odds of each.

We started with a meeting at what ended up being our chosen bank (PRS for us as well crazyaunt84 , and getting their info and what they required. Then we went to an info session at our RE's office, and pretty much took his advice from then on out. We really loved how we were treated there overall, even with how crazy things got (HRC in Newport Beach, if anyone's in the general area).

CAR also got some books, and we did a fair amount of internet research, but really the 'nuts and bolts' of it are to decide if you're going to use a bank or a known donor, and then at home vs RE. After that it's easier to know what steps to take.

I found that we just had to embrace the science and process and try to keep a decent sense of humor and excitement about it, or it'd just be too strange... if that makes sense.

[Stringy]

Thanks everyone. karlamo, they are local, but something tells me they probably wouldn't go to an info session. As I probably wouldn't have at that stage. But I will still let them know of it as a resource.

[kona]

Dec 8, 2015 13:57:26 GMT -5 karlamo said:

Stringy , Are they local to us? The reason I ask is because we went through Fenway's AI program. They have a free information session where they go over how to do ICI's, IUI's, how to temp etc. It was very helpful. We actually did all our IUI's there since our insurance required medical documentation before they would cover any fertility costs. Which reminds me they should check out their insurance coverage too.

I'm no longer in that area but we want to the Fenway presentation too and found it helpful.

[firstcomeslove2013]

Oh gosh, start with an RE. We started with an OBGYN and the were terrible. It wasn't until we were like 4 IUIs in that we realized how terrible thy were. It was a lot of wasted time, energy and heartache.

Find a good support system. Whether that is online or in person...it's important to talk to others who understand.

[wittyandwaiting]

I started with this: www.createivf.com/pdf/2012/lgbta_guidebook_eng.pdf (it's written for Canadians but has info that I think would be useful to a couple in the US.)

Then this: m.indigo.ca/product/books/product/9781573442169?mkwid=suhV6jA9F_dm&pcrid=44154474422&pkw=&pmt=&s_campaign=goo-Shopping_Books&gclid=Cj0KEQiAv5-zBRCAzfWGu-2jo70BEiQAj_F8oEaggDiTrh6sKfSda5I4DhErPBtMh4zEIK-cW7Q6Y1EaAmOc8P8HAQ

Then an RE.

[jgy]

Stringy, I don't know how to word this well, but I think it's really important to point out that many of us realize in retrospect that we did not do enough on the front end in terms of educating ourselves or working with the right professionals. I'd really love for your friends, however overwhelmed they might feel, to take that to heart and set about learning as much as they can before moving forward. It is truly the rare case that at-home ICI attempts with a known donor end up working (just as an example of the most basic, inexpensive, and low-tech approach). And for most of us that ended up having to eventually go further and seek more professional help, we regret not having taken those steps earlier.

I think those are the types of things that I would encourage you to share with them, if you are comfortable doing so. And if not, I understand that as well.

Also, they should ask a LOT of questions of whomever they choose to talk to about this. And hopefully they choose someone that won't just answer those questions, but will bring up questions that they didn't even know they had. I'm really hoping they allow you to be that person.

[Stringy]

Dec 9, 2015 12:13:58 GMT -5 jgy said:

Stringy , I don't know how to word this well, but I think it's really important to point out that many of us realize in retrospect that we did not do enough on the front end in terms of educating ourselves or working with the right professionals. I'd really love for your friends, however overwhelmed they might feel, to take that to heart and set about learning as much as they can before moving forward. It is truly the rare case that at-home ICI attempts with a known donor end up working (just as an example of the most basic, inexpensive, and low-tech approach). And for most of us that ended up having to eventually go further and seek more professional help, we regret not having taken those steps earlier.

I think those are the types of things that I would encourage you to share with them, if you are comfortable doing so. And if not, I understand that as well.

Also, they should ask a LOT of questions of whomever they choose to talk to about this. And hopefully they choose someone that won't just answer those questions, but will bring up questions that they didn't even know they had. I'm really hoping they allow you to be that person.

I know what you mean. I spent what I now consider wasted months with a midwife trying to get pregnant. Of course, my wife got pregnant with them right away, so why wouldn't we?  I don't know b/c I haven't discussed it with them in person yet - but somehow I don't think they are the at home ICI type.

These are some of my best friends, and until recently I didn't think they wanted kids. So my guess is I may be the only person who even knows, so I will certainly be their source.  Of course, I'm unsure exactly HOW certain they both are about having them, so I also don't want to scare them away. (one is certain, and honestly I was always surprised when the other said she didn't want kids...they both love kids).

Oh! One other thing I didn't know about until after we were well into the process...isn't there a known donor bank? I feel as if its something I would have been open to at the time but knew nothing of it until I saw it mentioned here some time.

[jgy]

Dec 9, 2015 14:07:44 GMT -5 Stringy said:

Dec 9, 2015 12:13:58 GMT -5 jgy said:

Stringy , I don't know how to word this well, but I think it's really important to point out that many of us realize in retrospect that we did not do enough on the front end in terms of educating ourselves or working with the right professionals. I'd really love for your friends, however overwhelmed they might feel, to take that to heart and set about learning as much as they can before moving forward. It is truly the rare case that at-home ICI attempts with a known donor end up working (just as an example of the most basic, inexpensive, and low-tech approach). And for most of us that ended up having to eventually go further and seek more professional help, we regret not having taken those steps earlier.

I think those are the types of things that I would encourage you to share with them, if you are comfortable doing so. And if not, I understand that as well.

Also, they should ask a LOT of questions of whomever they choose to talk to about this. And hopefully they choose someone that won't just answer those questions, but will bring up questions that they didn't even know they had. I'm really hoping they allow you to be that person.

I know what you mean. I spent what I now consider wasted months with a midwife trying to get pregnant. Of course, my wife got pregnant with them right away, so why wouldn't we?  I don't know b/c I haven't discussed it with them in person yet - but somehow I don't think they are the at home ICI type.

These are some of my best friends, and until recently I didn't think they wanted kids. So my guess is I may be the only person who even knows, so I will certainly be their source.  Of course, I'm unsure exactly HOW certain they both are about having them, so I also don't want to scare them away. (one is certain, and honestly I was always surprised when the other said she didn't want kids...they both love kids).

Oh! One other thing I didn't know about until after we were well into the process...isn't there a known donor bank? I feel as if its something I would have been open to at the time but knew nothing of it until I saw it mentioned here some time.

I don't think I've ever heard of a known donor bank (which certainly doesn't mean there isn't one).  But I do know people who use traditional banks while working with a known donor.  It adds $$$$$$ back in to the process, but can certainly be helpful when time and distance between the parties are roadblocks.

As for me, my road wasn't a long one but I definitely should have at least consulted with a real fertility professional before dropping money on 2 cycles of back-to-back IUI when it was clear to any knowledgeable person that I had a leuteal phase defect.  Then again, my first RE didn't pick up on that either, so I suppose there's a certain amount of making sure it's the RIGHT knowledgeable person too.  

[2brides]

Everytime I read this thread I start singing, "Let's start at the very beginning...a very good place to start..." from The Sound of Music.

[2mrsks (mrs&mrsk)]

We started by finding out what insurance would cover and saving some $$ up! Then perusing cryobank sites. Then an informal appt at re. Then checkups at reg Drs/Ob and some testing (hsg) Etc. Social worker and nurse visits.., then cd 1 started the early morning re visits Etc. Very confusing the first go around and emotionally exhausting but worth it!!!!

[esquette]

I started by reading boards about it, 5 years ago. :-) We made a tentative timeline (like, we'll start TTC in our late 20's). We started budgeting and keeping track of our money. We added a time in the week we could set aside to talk about kid stuff. I read and read and read. I looked at sperm banks, the pros and cons of banks vs. donors. I read blogs and birth stories. We talked some more.

But seriously, I think the best thing to do is read and read. There's a lot of information out there about this stuff, and it can be overwhelming, but it's possible to check out a little bit at a time and get your feet wet.