Post by pegleg715 on Jan 30, 2015 23:49:50 GMT -5
After j typed all This I realized what A-holes we sound like to be complaining about this. I'm sorry. And it's long
Hi all! I posted a fair amount on TB before DD was born in aug '12. I tried to stay active. But life got in the way. I had DS in July '13 and we are expecting DS2 in June this year.
I also have a 12 year old SD.
H and I have been together for 8 years, and married almost 4, so I've been in DDs life the majority of it.
BM is married with another child as well, 8.
Background: Our relationship with BM has always been what I would call workable. H hasn't been to court since right after SD was born (he and BM were in college and not together), they adjust child support on their own according to the state calculator, and haven't changed their custody agreement. Per the court order we are supposed to have SD every other weekend fri at 5 - sun at 5. We live in different states and about 1.5 hours away from each other. H picks up SD on Saturday and then meets about half way on Sundays at 3:30. So we lose a lot of time. We do Saturday nights because when the court order was done H was still in school and was working at a bar on Friday nights to pay child support, so he didn't get her until sat AM. This lasted until he and I moved in together and his finances were a little lower. She was about 7 at the time.
Anyway, BM is controlling and manipulative but h wants to avoid all fights for SDs sake so he's a complete pushover.
My question/vent is this: now that she's 12 I can see pushing for more time with her. She can be away from her family without a problem, and should be spending time with us when possible. We now get her 2 weeks a summer and February vacation (which we aren't able to take usually because we use our vacation time in the summer with her). We have asked to up the summer to 4 weeks and to get her on Friday nights as dictated in the court order. BM says no too much is going on. We don't deal with the courts and the court order ever. I don't know if we could just say this is what we are doing. And the order is 11 years old.
On the other hand, she's a 12 year old girl. When I was 12 the last thing I wanted was to be away from my friends for a weekend. Even if they were just sitting in someone's room.
I would love to leave this up to SD, but she's more like her father than her mother, and if she says she wants to be with us for something her mother creates conflict and SD backs off. I'm not sure what to do. BM is clearly guilting SD into not wanting to be with us, but while she does that her brothers and sister are going to miss out on getting to know her here. (This doesn't even touch on the constant last minute changes she demands we make and sd has to decide on as well)
The guilt is usually along the lines of "sure you can go with your dad, but that's the weekend we were going to go out on the boat with xyz, or no problem but you will miss your cousins birthday party with everyone there. Little things.
Im fully aware that sometimes it IS her choice to not come. But she spends roughly 30 nights with us a year and I feel like it's time to ask for a little more. Not a lot. Just a little.
How do you handle these things? How do you let SK make choices if you're not sure they are THEIR choices, is there any way to change anything without court? (h asked for mediation last year and she threw a fit)
Hi all! I posted a fair amount on TB before DD was born in aug '12. I tried to stay active. But life got in the way. I had DS in July '13 and we are expecting DS2 in June this year.
I also have a 12 year old SD.
H and I have been together for 8 years, and married almost 4, so I've been in DDs life the majority of it.
BM is married with another child as well, 8.
Background: Our relationship with BM has always been what I would call workable. H hasn't been to court since right after SD was born (he and BM were in college and not together), they adjust child support on their own according to the state calculator, and haven't changed their custody agreement. Per the court order we are supposed to have SD every other weekend fri at 5 - sun at 5. We live in different states and about 1.5 hours away from each other. H picks up SD on Saturday and then meets about half way on Sundays at 3:30. So we lose a lot of time. We do Saturday nights because when the court order was done H was still in school and was working at a bar on Friday nights to pay child support, so he didn't get her until sat AM. This lasted until he and I moved in together and his finances were a little lower. She was about 7 at the time.
Anyway, BM is controlling and manipulative but h wants to avoid all fights for SDs sake so he's a complete pushover.
My question/vent is this: now that she's 12 I can see pushing for more time with her. She can be away from her family without a problem, and should be spending time with us when possible. We now get her 2 weeks a summer and February vacation (which we aren't able to take usually because we use our vacation time in the summer with her). We have asked to up the summer to 4 weeks and to get her on Friday nights as dictated in the court order. BM says no too much is going on. We don't deal with the courts and the court order ever. I don't know if we could just say this is what we are doing. And the order is 11 years old.
On the other hand, she's a 12 year old girl. When I was 12 the last thing I wanted was to be away from my friends for a weekend. Even if they were just sitting in someone's room.
I would love to leave this up to SD, but she's more like her father than her mother, and if she says she wants to be with us for something her mother creates conflict and SD backs off. I'm not sure what to do. BM is clearly guilting SD into not wanting to be with us, but while she does that her brothers and sister are going to miss out on getting to know her here. (This doesn't even touch on the constant last minute changes she demands we make and sd has to decide on as well)
The guilt is usually along the lines of "sure you can go with your dad, but that's the weekend we were going to go out on the boat with xyz, or no problem but you will miss your cousins birthday party with everyone there. Little things.
Im fully aware that sometimes it IS her choice to not come. But she spends roughly 30 nights with us a year and I feel like it's time to ask for a little more. Not a lot. Just a little.
How do you handle these things? How do you let SK make choices if you're not sure they are THEIR choices, is there any way to change anything without court? (h asked for mediation last year and she threw a fit)