PPD/A/OCD/what have you

[ombradellarosa]

Someone mentioned starting up a check in but I haven't seen one. Sorry if I missed it, I did not look very hard. 

I have no idea how to do this. I guess just, I'm sure there are other people dealing with some form of postpartum mood or anxiety disorder. I can't be the only one, right? So, I guess I have some questions to get started. 

What disorder(s) are you suffering from? 
What are your symptoms? In general or what's worst today. 
What do you find helpful? 

Idk what day would be good to have this every week but I feel bad splashing negativity all over the place and I'd rather contain it. Plus I have a really hard time with normal threads which is part of the reason I stopped posting for awhile. 

[ombradellarosa]

I finally just started this thread because I wanted to post in the 6 month check in but I'm overwhelmed with guilt about what I'm doing wrong and I couldn't even read it anymore. I haven't given my poor LO a bath in 55 days. Fifty. Five. Days. I kept thinking finally I'd bathe her after I gave her solid food but I kept delaying that as well. So my poor innocent, helpless darling continues to stink of sour milk.
I have all of the above as far as I can tell. I hate to self-diagnose but my therapist isn't about diagnosing so she hasn't given me a clear one. I definitely am experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, and OCD. It gets better, it gets worse. I am not feeling hopeful at the moment. Nights are worse but I rarely sleep when I should and none of my friends answer the phone and DH always is at work or asleep so I feel very alone.
When I get really irritated with the baby, I try to remember to work out with her to the Warrior Moms playlist on Spotify. It helps to exercise and the music is uplifting. I try to remember that I have friends that care about me and to force myself to reach out to them when I feel down. This backfires when they don't answer though I Try to stay hydrated and fed which seems impossible since I'm always hungry. I can't really feed myself because I'm constantly taking care of the baby and I hate to feel helpless and dependent on MH.
I can tell it's getting better what with the baby being content by herself for longer periods but the change is slow and setbacks are incredibly disheartening. I hate my life and myself right now and I don't know when that will change. Plus I feel endlessly guilty about it.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I don't have any experience with PPD but post college I went through a depression probably related to change in my life (having to find an actual full time job after years of school, drinking to much, lack of sleep). I know how it feels to be lost and alone. I found a combination of therapy, sleep, yoga and taking some anti-anxiety meds helpful to get me through it. The problem is when you are a new mom sleep is not in your control and you have to look out for a little one in addition to yourself so many coping skills can be lost in a blur of constantly focusing on someone else. Do you have family that is supportive and you can lean on for help with your baby so that you can take more time to focus on yourself?

[erbear]

I'm sorry things are still so bad.

I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) that has ramped up since birth, so it's likely PPA status now. I take meds for it and see my psychiatrist every three months. I'll probably make an appointment with my therapist when I can afford the copay. Ironically, most of my anxiety revolves around finances, so when I think I need to see my therapist, I think about the cost (parking & copay) and I dont make an appointment.

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2015 5:34:21 GMT -5 erbear said:

I'm sorry things are still so bad.

I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) that has ramped up since birth, so it's likely PPA status now. I take meds for it and see my psychiatrist every three months. I'll probably make an appointment with my therapist when I can afford the copay. Ironically, most of my anxiety revolves around finances, so when I think I need to see my therapist, I think about the cost (parking & copay) and I dont make an appointment.

I'm sorry. That is entirely ironic. That's the definition of a vicious circle of thinking.

[ombradellarosa]

Dec 16, 2015 5:20:49 GMT -5 @poppyc8 said:

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I don't have any experience with PPD but post college I went through a depression probably related to change in my life (having to find an actual full time job after years of school, drinking to much, lack of sleep). I know how it feels to be lost and alone. I found a combination of therapy, sleep, yoga and taking some anti-anxiety meds helpful to get me through it. The problem is when you are a new mom sleep is not in your control and you have to look out for a little one in addition to yourself so many coping skills can be lost in a blur of constantly focusing on someone else. Do you have family that is supportive and you can lean on for help with your baby so that you can take more time to focus on yourself?

Not really my mum loves babies so everyone joked that I would have a hard time getting my baby back from her house, but she's rarely available to babysit, seems to prefer I come with the baby (to take care of her needs) and the one time she did babysit for our anniversary it did not go well. I have my husband, who is very supportive but busy and currently sick, and good friends who all have their own babies so I can't really ask to babysit. I really don't do much of anything for myself and I know I should but it's just one more thing on my to do list I never get done and feel bad about. 

[ombradellarosa]

Dec 16, 2015 5:34:21 GMT -5 erbear said:

I'm sorry things are still so bad.

I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) that has ramped up since birth, so it's likely PPA status now. I take meds for it and see my psychiatrist every three months. I'll probably make an appointment with my therapist when I can afford the copay. Ironically, most of my anxiety revolves around finances, so when I think I need to see my therapist, I think about the cost (parking & copay) and I dont make an appointment.

Oh I hear you. That is incredibly frustrating. I'm sorry. 

[billyhorrible]

Dec 16, 2015 6:22:09 GMT -5 ombradellarosa said:

I have my husband, who is very supportive but busy and currently sick, and good friends who all have their own babies so I can't really ask to babysit.

Have you asked them, or is this something you just take as a given? I know I am always hesitant to ask for help because I know others are just as busy, stressed, and dealing with their own issues, but at the same time, I would do anything in my power to help a friend that needs me. And I have to remind myself that my friends probably feel the same way. Taking your daughter for an hour or two isn't going to push any of your friends over the edge, and one of them might be happy to do it. I know carolyngrace and her friend trade off with watching each other's babes.


Like @erbear I have GAD and have for around 20 years at least, so anxiety is a way of life for me. I manage it fairly well due to years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I had a much bigger issue during pregnancy than after.

[carolyngrace]

Props to all of you for sharing, that can be really hard in itself! I know not everyone is religious at all, and I'm not minimizing the power of therapy, drugs, etc (because I support all of those) but I will pray for you. Personally, when I've been depressed, it seriously felt like demon forces had a hold on me. It's a darkness, however you want to define it, and I pray that god/theuniverse/whatever moves mountains to help some light shine in. Even a little bit of light and hope.

Sorry if that's sappy or annoying, I feel like it is all I can offer, and I genuinely feel for you guys.

ombradellarosa , can I ask what keeps you from bathing LO? What thoughts/worries/etc? Also, I agree with others saying reach out ANYWAY. Even if others have babies, etc.

@babybean9 also. I totally get moving a lot and not having close friends. And obviously anxiety makes it x1000 harder to reach out. But that's the only way to develop closer friendships. Honestly, you're really pretty and probably come off as confident in passing, so people probably assume you don't need anything. Whether it's friendship, help, or otherwise.

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2015 6:22:09 GMT -5 ombradellarosa said:

Dec 16, 2015 5:20:49 GMT -5 @poppyc8 said:

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I don't have any experience with PPD but post college I went through a depression probably related to change in my life (having to find an actual full time job after years of school, drinking to much, lack of sleep). I know how it feels to be lost and alone. I found a combination of therapy, sleep, yoga and taking some anti-anxiety meds helpful to get me through it. The problem is when you are a new mom sleep is not in your control and you have to look out for a little one in addition to yourself so many coping skills can be lost in a blur of constantly focusing on someone else. Do you have family that is supportive and you can lean on for help with your baby so that you can take more time to focus on yourself?

Not really my mum loves babies so everyone joked that I would have a hard time getting my baby back from her house, but she's rarely available to babysit, seems to prefer I come with the baby (to take care of her needs) and the one time she did babysit for our anniversary it did not go well. I have my husband, who is very supportive but busy and currently sick, and good friends who all have their own babies so I can't really ask to babysit. I really don't do much of anything for myself and I know I should but it's just one more thing on my to do list I never get done and feel bad about. 

Just checking in to see how you are doing today? I was thinking if your husband is supportive then I would definitely lean on him to give you more support with the baby. Have him do baths on the weekend. Especially as the baby gets older it's going to get easier to have other people take on more responsibility. The feedings space out and their awake time will increase etc. I hope things can get better for you and that you will see a light at the end of this tunnel

[holliberry28]

I've also dealt with GAD, panic attacks, and specific phobias since a child. I was medicated and seeing a psychiatrist throughout TTC and then pregnancy. I agree with billyhorrible that cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the best things you can do, if you can afford it. I wish it was more accessible to people with regular insurance, but I find that a lot of the good institute's only do out of network or private pay only.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time ombradellarosa . I hope you really try to reach out to your mom and your H to ask for help. I know financially it's probably not possible, but if you were to move, have you ever thought about throwing everything away? (aside from sentimental things that you spray separately). I also would make small goals for yourself like @babybean9 suggested. Make a list of things you want to try to do this week, vs. things you might wanna tackle in the next month. Also just writing down your thoughts throughout the day, and possibly what you were doing before the thought popped out, and what might have triggered it. I really hope you feel better soon.

@babybean9 , thanks for sharing. I get having a hard time maintaining friendships when moving a lot. My sister decided it was best for me to go live with her and her husband when I was 10, because she didn't think the environment I was in living with my parents was conducive for my self esteem (staying with a babysitter til 8 pm every night, and living in the suburbs aka Staten Island, instead of Queens, which is more urban). Then, 1 year later, after uprooting me, she gave birth to a sick child, and made my parents sell their house, so that I would go back to live with them. And from there was maybe 3-4 different apartments til my parents bought their COOP so not a lot of stability. And being sensitive too it's hard to really put yourself out there, but hopefully now things will just get better, you'll make new mommy friends, and hopefully develop a network of people you can count on.

I love all you June 15 girls.

[ombradellarosa]

Actually I came on because I hate myself today. I don't do meaningful things I used to do and I resent my husband taking time away from me to play games with friends. I hate being home alone with the baby. I feel helpless, useless, and worthless.
Answers
billyhorrible I don't ask. Turning the perspective around doesn't work for me because I don't help anyone else either. I don't feel like I deserve my friends.
@babybean9, I feel for you. I identify with childhood emotional neglect which I'd really hard to come to terms with because I know my parents love me and did their best. I don't feel able to cook or clean, much as I would like to, because of the baby and the bugs. In fact I don't feel like I can do much of anything at all but watch television and I feel horrible about myself as a result.
carolyngrace, I appreciate your prayers. Thank you. It could be intrusive thoughts or worries of harm keeping me from bathing my baby, but it's definitely not. I mean to all the time. I'm just worn out, trying to make it through every day and we have basically no routine so I have no predictability. I had a really hard time in the beginning figuring out when in the evening to bathe her. When the depression hit it became more than I could deal with. I feel so guilty because I should just do it. Dh said today when I told him that it had been over 55 days that we'd do it tonight, I asked if he would help me, but now he's gone to the neighbor's house to play cards and she just fell asleep so idk now. It's probably just a nap but I'm already so exhausted that I don't even think I can manage to play Sims like I was planning to do.
I've tried to reach out as unobtrusively as possible, I finally went as far as to post an article on Facebook about how it's impossible for new moms to ask for help and to offer specific help rather than "let me know if you need anything" and I kid you not, one of the (few) responses was "let me know if you need anything" so I gave up. My one friend who had her baby 5 days before me planned to come over and help me clean, leaving her baby with her husband, but because of my husband's work schedule idk if it's going to happen now.
@poppyc8, thank you for checking in on me. My husband tells me I need to ask him for help more but I guess what I want is for him to just do stuff because I can't ask for help. I get all caught up in it. And he goes back and forth. He told me since I'm the SAHM it's fair for me to do more of taking care of the baby so it's hard to ask him because I feel guilty and pathetic that I can't do simple things myself. And he's been so stressed with work and school. If things go how I want soon I'll be working so he doesn't have to and he can stay home with the baby instead and I hope that solves it. I doubt he'll like it as much as he thinks he will but maybe at least he'll feel bad for me which I guess he already does he's very understanding.
Sometimes I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Not today.
holliberry28, I don't understand. Throw Everything away? I'm getting rid of what I can which is really hard for me but I honestly can't comprehend what you're saying. I know my husband talks all the time about wishing I'd let him do what he wants and he'd throw everything away but I can't picture actually doing that. Everything is sentimental to me. Everything. I have emotional, often negative but still emotional, attachments to almost everything. Throw everything away? Sorry I'm so stuck on that I'm really confused. I'm really trying to get rid of as much as I can.
I have a master to do list. It's very organised. It's helpful but there are always more things and I'm not good at keeping up with them and it's rare I get anything done.
The writing down thoughts and trying to see what triggers them is a good idea but idk if I can do it. 1 I should be journalling and I know that but like everything else I don't make time 2 I can't even find my journal and I don't see the point of writing it down on loose paper I'm certain to lose 3 too many bad thoughts I doubt I could keep up or avoid all the triggers. Practically everything seems to trigger me. It's just getting worse. I'm blocking so much out I'm starting to feel dead inside again and I'm just too tired to go on.
Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself. I can't abandon my baby.

[erbear]

This is creepy, but I wish I could just hug you, ombradellarosa. It sounds like you need a hug and some IRL support in the worst way. Please continue working through this because you're right, your LO needs you. This will get better at some point.

[billyhorrible]

It sounds like you're feeling really isolated and even though I could tell you one million times that you're not, it wouldn't matter. I get that. It's such a classic hallmark of depression. So let me just say I'm thinking of you and I wish things were easier.

You are so much in the thick of things right now, and drowning, and I know it feels like it's impossible to even breathe. You need help to get out of it. And I also get why that seems impossible for you. You want someone to come save you, without having to ask. Because asking seems like the hardest thing in the world right now. But people don't always behave how we'd like them to.

One of the reasons you get so much support here is because you share. You open up to us. But we are all so far removed from you that we're unable to give you the help you need. I'm annoyed at your husband for not stepping up, but at the same time I fear you're not sharing as much/as deeply with him as you are here. Because there's safety in our distance. Would you consider writing down all of this for him so he could read it without you having to confront him? Or even just printing this out?

And hush your mouth about not deserving your friends. We all have our "bad friend" moments. How on earth can you be the best friend to them when you're having trouble even being a friend to yourself? There is something wonderful about you which made them want to befriend you in the first place. And it's still there, even if it's impossible for you to see that right now.

[tiffbot]

Hugs ladies. Just want to send hugs to you all.

[wegrowsheep]

ombradellarosa If someone came to help you, would you let them?

Because I'm 2 hrs away.

[carolyngrace]

ombradellarosa, I hope you feel heard by this and not judged, but I just have to say bluntly that it sounds like what you're going through is very extreme and I really hope you seek more help somehow. I hear you that you LOVE that little baby more than anything in the world, and she needs a healthy mama. I've known other people like you IRL and there's always a reason not to go inpatient, but I just wonder can anything really change unless you do? You need to hit a huge reset button and I'm not sure any of us could do that without a ton of help.

Also, ITA with sharing these thoughts with your H, word for word, if you haven't already. He needs to make a huge change too, if he expects you to be able to. No cards with friends for a while. No going out for a while. Just focusing on the family and your household.

I know I jumped from "I'll pray for you and support you" to "you should do all of this stuff" but it's really hard for me to keep my mouth shut! I do this with MH all the time, at first I say I'll just listen and support him, but eventually I'm jumping on him with ideas he should try

[ombradellarosa]

erbear, it doesn't seem creepy at all. Thank you. I'm doing my best.
billyhorrible, I read my whole post to DH based on your suggestion. I've told him this before. I'm actually very open with him and my few select trusted friends. I know they want to help me. I have one friend that has me over once a week for a mental health day, whose family welcomed me with open arms when my parents were not supportive. I have another that offered to babysit for me after the anniversary date fiasco so DH and I could have a real date, even though her baby is only two months old. One friend came to visit me and brought me not only a meal with leftovers but easy snacks and proposed a weekly outing ( which I have not taken her up on ) I have another friend that brings me baby clothes, one that prolonged her visit from out of state to help me go through my stuff, and one that is almost as good as a therapist for talking stuff out. I really have great friends. And my husband is awesome. I mentioned I was hungry and he offered me four different options and I was overwhelmed, so he went with the simplest and not only opened the crackers but put one in my mouth. And he's sick and had already gone to bed! He's very helpful. I just need A Lot of help and no matter how much I try, my awesome friends don't make up for my parents. They're getting better but they just can't seem to deal with me having depression. This is the second time and they just don't handle it well. My husband often expresses that he will do whatever I want. I just feel awful asking because I need Everything. I can't do Anything! I need help All the time, it's constant! Whose responsibility is it to carry me through life? How am I supposed to ask for that? Just make my meals, oh and feed them to me, oh and I get hungry every two and a half hours or so, make sure I go to sleep on time so I'm not crabby in the morning, take the baby so I can shower, bathe her, change her, don't ever leave me home alone with her, in fact let me get away from her, I need to be listened to constantly, I'm going to repeat myself, I need to go through this stuff and get rid of it but it's really hard for me and no one else can even do it, oh and I get overwhelmed, and I have a huge list of things I can't do because I need to take care of a baby 24/7 and I need just as much care apparently. And it will never be enough and I will hate myself the whole time for needing all this.
sammyca, thank you. He's just at a loss. He doesn't know what to do for me and I don't know what to ask. I need everything but it's not fair and there's no way I can get it. It's not reasonable.
Thanks tiffbot.
wegrowsheep, I do appreciate that you are willing to drive two hours to help me. That means so much to me. I don't live in Washington though. I'm sorry. I don't know how I gave you that impression. I'm sorry. I truly wish I did for more than a few reasons but especially right now floor a great friend like you.
carolyngrace, I don't feel judged at all but I did struggle thinking what did I say to make you think it's extreme. I felt like a poser. I always struggle with being authentic and feeling like I'm dramatising my problems for attention despite the fact that I do the opposite. I have my dad to thank for that.
I have serious blocks against hospitalisation. I mean, who doesn't. But my dad brought it up, not to say threatened me with it, the first time I had clinical depression and he didn't take my suicidal thoughts seriously. I'm not sure how much it would help anyway.
I did have an offer by a friend who is an interning counsellor to have intensive therapy but it will require me to fly from California to Michigan alone with the baby. I'm torn. I think it could be amazingly helpful, especially to see my best friend (her husband is the counsellor) and have her help out with the baby. But I am terrified of having to fly so far alone with her. I don't like to be home alone with her! I'm afraid I wouldn't make it. So I don't know what to do.

[ombradellarosa]

Eta Joolschweets, because I took so long to write this post there was another reply! Thank you for your concern. I often feel like I am drowning but now people show so much concern I'm getting all "Oh don't fuss it's not all that" which is stupid. I sincerely hope I don't screw up my daughter like my parents did me but I'll start by not teaching her she can't be sad about her problems when other people have worse ones. Sorry I'm harping on that.
I post things on Facebook and get no helpful responses. I guess that's the wrong way to go aabout it. I don't know who else to ask or how and I just don't even, I don't know. I can't force people to want to help me when they don't even, I mean no one else even talks to me but those friends I mentioned. People at church are the biggest letdowns ever. They don't want to help me. I'm not going to go be a burden and impose on people who don't even care.
I do need to get out, what you said is completely spot on. I did much better than I expected being out of the house with baby while DH was at work. I dropped him off because I had an appointment and we were busy and it went splendidly. I think I ought to make a habit of that. Showering to go out would be good too. I stink

[holliberry28]

ombradellarosa, I'm sorry if that came off rude. Not sure what kind of bugs you're dealing with, but my sister's building had a bedbug infestation two years ago, and yea, they threw everything out (clothes, furniture, etc). They kept only what could be disinfected completely because those things are worse than cockroaches, they don't wanna go the fuck away. And clothes and stuff like that are replaceable.

Sounds like you just need to start taking action, and do one baby step at a time. Have you considered trying medication for your depression and anxiety issues? I've found that sometimes that can help take the edge off what is keeping you stagnant and allows your head to clear to start and be able to take steps to get yourself feeling better. I know it's easy to look toward the past for causing certain things, but try to think of every day as a fresh start. Doesn't matter what happened yesterday or the last month. You can feel better, stronger, and more in control. Start taking action, then maybe your thoughts will follow.

[billyhorrible]

So what I'm hearing from your recent posts is that you have a fantastic support system, but you feel guilty about needing them/feel like a burden. Don't. Stop thinking of this as a forever thing. (I know, easier said than done!) But take each day as it comes. And if you need constant help to get through the day, take it/ask for it. And if a full day seems too daunting, start with just a morning.

For me, depression feels like a heavy blanket has been thrown over me. It's hard to move, breathe, or see beyond it. My thoughts are unclear and irrational. Everything seems insurmountable. But like every other illness, it's not a permanent condition. And like many other illnesses, I need help to get through it. And I think that's a fair comparison, because sick people sometimes need a lot of extra help. Someone to make/bring food and ensure they eat. Someone to help around the house. Sometimes even someone to wipe them! Once you start feeling better you can rely less on others and do more yourself, but you're not going to get there without first being dependent on others. Don't think of yourself as a burden. It doesn't sound like your friends think of you that way.

[silv3rlining]

I'm not really sure what to say other than huge hugs. Having a baby is hard. Having anxiety is hard. Having a baby and anxiety is even harder. Depression is hard. I know it's difficult to see the light through all the darkness and the breath of fresh air through the restriction. I could list various techniques to help with both but that doesn't mean anything specific will work for you. I do hope you are (still?) Seeing your counselor and that they are giving you techniques to cope. YH needs to step up his game and help you. Your friend that replied "let me know if you need anything" is likely sincere and doesn't know what exactly you need help with. She might not know to suggest to watch baby for you. Maybe see if you ask her to even come to your house and occupy baby for an hour or 2 while you sort through things that would help. In the past when I've been so utterly overwhelmed just getting a break for an hour or 2 is all I need to reset. Maybe see if YH can watch baby and just get out of the house for a bit? Go for a walk, window shopping, sit down for coffee/tea. I think you are very brave for reaching out and opening up and I hope you can move forward soon.

[ombradellarosa]

I know I need to take action. You might as well say "feel better". I'm trying. I talked to my friend in Michigan today and she reminded me that the plane will be hard but it's just one day. I'm supposed to look at flights tonight to go in February. I'm concerned about putting too much on this. It's going to be hard and almost certainly worth it, but I was getting to think it would fix me forever from everything and it won't. I suffer from thinking in extremes so either it will be a cure all or worthless in my mind. I'm not good at balancing. Kristykristyleelee, no hard feelings. I appreciate the feedback. I Definitely identify with spiraling and paralysis, I feel that way all the time so I knowI'm there I just don't know how to fix it.
holliberry28, no you didn't come off rude at all I was just genuinely that confused. I guess that would be a logical course of action with bedbugs. I guess I'm lucky because we have cockroaches. I say bugs because I don't even like the word. I have a phobia of them. Being surrounded by them is pretty awful.
I have given much thought to taking medication and I'm against it. Thanks anyway. I'm going to have to figure out something else.
billyhorrible, I do have a fantastic support system but I feel like it's never enough. Not because they don't do enough but because I need more than they can give. Lately I've been wondering if my parents were more supportive would I feel less of a lack. I don't think my friends can fill the void. I take whatever they offer even though I feel guilty. I don't know what else to do.
I don't know how to live one day at a time or stay in the moment. I'm trying. You describe depression perfectly. I don't know how to get as much help as I need. My husband is doing a lot. When I ask him he does whatever. I don't know what to even ask for because I don't want to do anything at all. This morning he came and took the baby because she woke up and needed a change and I was exhausted from not sleeping. He kept her for an hour and a half until she got hungry, and let me sleep. Today he took her with him to do errands and I got to shower! It was great. Now he's holding her and I'm on the bed with earplugs in because my loud neighbours make me crazy. It's blissful relief but I'm plagued by a fear that she's screaming and I know poor DH wanted to go to be . He's still sick and when he won't take off work and spends his days off cleaning and taking care of me and his nights delaying sleep because I need "one more thing", I don't know how he's going to get better.
I am seeing a therapist and she's wonderful. I do know I need more which is why I need to go to Michigan.
silv3rlining, he does help me. He's doing so much and he always asks to help more. I just need so much. I sometimes feel unhelpable nothing is enough for me. And this will probably sound picky, hypocritical, spoiled, whiny, and ungrateful, but I don't want to ask that friend to watch my baby. I only feel comfortable around a few people, basically the friends I mentioned, and being with other people or having to talk to them makes me really anxious. She might mean her offer sincerely, but my experience has been that people who have offered help and then I ask for something specific, they've all said no. So I don't want to do that anymore. It hurts too much to be rejected over and over and have people cement the idea in my head that they're saying it out of social obligation and not a real desire to help, or they want to do something specific but they don't say that and I ask them something else I'm not sure what it is but I'm done.
I got to be home alone without baby for I think the second time ever today and it was better than going out. I showered and got things done from my list. Well, I mean I did a load and a half of laundry and hung up half of my clothes. It was a long shower. I felt really rejuvenated but unfortunately it didn't last.

[tatersalad]

I'm just now reading all of this but I wanted to send you a virtual hug ombradellarosa. I'm glad that you got some time to yourself and hope you can set up a few hours each week to get more. I know my husband always finds it easier to manage the kids by himself if he takes them on an outing, even just running errands, and having uninterrupted time to care for yourself and get anything done is so precious.
I'm sure me saying it isn't much comfort but I'm a frequent flyer with infants and it truly is much easier at this age than you might think. If you need to go to Michigan just do it. I'm sure the flight won't be perfect but even if she cries you might be surprised at how kind the other travelers can be when you are with a baby.
I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. My mom struggles with depression, anxiety, and hoarding. Her emotional attachment to things is so real and difficult to understand. She also struggles with wanting to take medication, but when she is willing to try and finds the right one the depression and anxiety are so much better. Not trying to tell you what to do, but just wanted you to know I can relate to where you are at. Sending you thoughts and prayers.

[stinybean]

All of the PPs have said what I would have said. I don't know if this is much help, but I want to send you some hugs as well.

My one question is, can you make the trip to Michigan sooner than February? I feel like that would benefit you more than waiting.

[periwinkledaydreams]

Im going to appear and disappear, but I just wanted to say while I'm here.. hey ombradellarosa. I feel the overwhelmingness and paralysis and deep sadness and lonliness and self doubt and fear. I go deep down into a spiral of darkness alot of the time, but I also go way way up sometimes, and sometimes its real and sometimes its pretend, and sometimes Im not sure if its real or pretend. Sometimes I fake it for others so they dont worry about me, sometimes I fake it for myself, so I can get a glimmer of my old happy shiny self. Sometimes I convince myself Im back and Im good for a bit, but I always come crashing back down. That's what I feel. For me it is the coexistence of depression and anxiety and chronic pain, fairly sure PMDD or at least my ups and downs are severely cycle related, severe insomnia (not to be confused with sleep deprivation, which is also happening concurrently) being out of work long term from an injury, and various other health issues and life circumstances I cannot seem to either gain nor let go control of. My body seems to be falling apart, I'm losing control of my bowels and my gums are gushing blood and I still havr a fucking headache, I can barely sleep an hour at a time if I do eventually ever fall asleep at all and I have like at least 17 prescription bottles from all the shit theyve been trying to get my shit under control this year. That's a huge under estimate, its definitely more than that. 2 just from yesterday. 5 from the last month. I'm a hot mess.

I finally got a primary care provider last month after leaving my OB after my 6 week check-up, and I'll start seeing a therapist next week, and a psychiatric APRN will be taking over oversight of those meds, thank heaven. My care had been so scattered and really been just me overseeing it, relying on a neurologist who frankly SUCKS and doles out scripts like candy. My OB kinda did the same though to be honest. I'm on state insurance so I have to wait like months before I can see the specialists I need for GI, jump through elaborate hoops to even get appts etc so trying not to be anxious about all that. Still on workers comp and theyre raking me through the coals, should get a lawyer for all that but too nervous that I could never afford it. I really went on a tangent here.... where was I???

I feel you girl. And I'm here for you. And I hope we all who need it seek out and get treatment and care and help that we need. I waited too long I know. And Im so grateful you made this check-in because Ive been feeling so lonely and as though everyone here just had theIR shit so together and like Im the only one falling apart at the seams. Such a huge internet hug across the board. ♡♡♡

EDIT their their NOT THERE BUT FUCKING THEIR THANKS VERY MUCH!

[Deleted]

periwinkledaydreams hugs to you. I'm so sorry.

[clairencub]

Many hugs, many, many virtual hugs to those that are going through this. I'm sorry you are having to go through this and as some of you mentioned, going through it feeling alone. I don't have anything new to add suggestion-wise but I just want extend an ear and virtual helping hand.

[ombradellarosa]

tatersalad Thanks I'm hoping it will go well. Any success stories are encouraging! And I welcome any tips you may have.
stinybean My friend said February was best for them. I want to make sure to buy tickets well in advance too. I don't particularly want to wait but I'm not rushing either. It's a big move. It's scary.
periwinkledaydreams, holy cow! I shouldn't complain at least I'm not in your shoes. Sorry you're going through all that. You do really get it, thanks. You're definitely not alone!

[stinybean]

ombradellarosa That's totally understandable. I hope, even though it's scary, that you can do it.
periwinkledaydreams Many hugs to you. I hope that things start getting easier for you, especially on getting the care you need.