Late Night Breakdown

[housecarder]

*deleting so much personal info. Thank you for all your thoughts and support

[cavewmn]

I have no advice. Dh & I know mental illness is just like having a physical illness and have no shame in getting help when we need it.

If he isn't willing to get help there isn't much you can do.

I am sorry you are going through this.

[housecarder]

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[Deleted]

First, I'm sorry, That's quite the ordeal.

I want to say that I think you need to stop apologizing for him. You made several excuses for him in this post alone.

You need to also employ some tough love. Follow through, empty threats will only make him further test the limits. Him going to see his doctor and getting adjusted meds is a must to remain in your home. Though he shouldn't mistreat you, the mistreatment of your children is unacceptable. Self medicating with alcohol also needs to be a deal breaker

As someone who suffers from anxiety, I've said terrible things to my h. It's a defense mechanism. Hurt them before they hurt you. I doubt he means it, though that doesn't make it any less hurtful.

Just in case he can't get well you need to start planning. Do you have family/friends close by? If so, their support is important. It may seem harsh, but your kids are the priority. If he refuses to get help, make moves, show him how serious you are.

I wish the both of you well. It's hard dealing with and understanding mental illness. It takes a strong person to love someone through it.

[housecarder]

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[cavewmn]

Has he said how he wants you to help him?

[housecarder]

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[madamewaffles]

housecarder, I am so, so sorry you are going through this right now. I wish I had some advice for you. My sister has GAD and is currently maintained with meds and group therapy. Has he learned his trigger(s? and a safe way to tackle them? Does his family live nearby too? Can you involve them in trying to get him to attend therapy?

[housecarder]

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[Deleted]

Dec 20, 2015 2:57:18 GMT -5 housecarder said:

I have all my family and friends local so I will have support. I just don't understand how he went from "I promise to get help and be better" to "I can't do this, I want a divorce". I'm not going to have a chance to show tough love, although I already told him that alcohol was not an option at all anymore, because he's just throwing his hands up and walking away. I just don't understand what to do. I know I can't stay if he won't get help.

That's the nature of this particular beast. He's almost always in "worst case scenario" mode, and he's trying to protect himself. At the same time, his logical side knows you're constant and dependable, so he dumps all his shit on you.

I say let him come out of this episode, and assess the situation from there. It won't help to go back and forth with him when he's spiraling.

[Deleted]

Also I mean this the most non snarky way, but I have terrible vision, and pregnancy makes it worse. I need you to break up your posts into paragraphs. The wall of text does a number on my eyes.

[housecarder]

Dec 20, 2015 7:35:27 GMT -5 @nonniedee said:

Also I mean this the most non snarky way, but I have terrible vision, and pregnancy makes it worse. I need you to break up your posts into paragraphs. The wall of text does a number on my eyes.

Lol my rambling mess from being in panic mode probably doesn't help.

[tootsie]

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this.

You should be the one threatening divorce, not him. I honestly think it's time for an ultimatum. It is unfair and unsafe for you and your children to be emotionally abused and put in unsafe situations because he refuses treatment.

This is not something that will get better without intervention so I would stress to him that without treatment, he will not be allowed around any of you.

[prvc678]

Dec 20, 2015 8:44:33 GMT -5 tootsie said:

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this.

You should be the one threatening divorce, not him. I honestly think it's time for an ultimatum. It is unfair and unsafe for you and your children to be emotionally abused and put in unsafe situations because he refuses treatment.

This is not something that will get better without intervention so I would stress to him that without treatment, he will not be allowed around any of you.

This would be my advice as well, as a mom, as someone who has dealt with anxiety, and as a therapist. It's time for you to take care of you (and the kids, of course). I'm so sorry.

[Ray]

housecarder - I have to post and run right now but I will be sending you a PM - I know exactly what you are going through. Hold on, it's hard. TTYS okay - big hugs.

[rungirlrun]

I don't have much advice to offer you that hasn't already been given, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your family and hope that your H can get the help he needs. Good luck with everything.

[sarcaztic10]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I agree with PP's that it is time to put yourself and your children first. If you feel like this situation is having a detrimental effect in you and your children it is time to at lest take them out of the equation. I can't say that you should consider a divorce when he probably doesn't mean it himself but something needs to break the spiral that he is on.

Sending you lots of (((hugs))), I will be thinking of you.

[housecarder]

When I got home he was willing to talk and got off the idea of just leaving. He admitted that he needed help. I told him that by the end of the day tomorrow I wanted him to have an appointment scheduled with a therapist. He agreed and reinforced that alcohol was to be out of the picture completely. I told him that once he was in some therapy we could do some couples counseling to help with the communication issues we've had lately and the stress of adding two newborns to the dynamic when he's never been around new babies.

Obviously we have a lot of work ahead of us, but it feels like a step in the right direction.

[littlesthobo]

Big, big hugs for you. I agree that you need to prioritize you and your kids' safety. Have you been to counselling for yourself or to a group like Al Anon? You need to gather all the support for yourself that you can.

Thinking of you, I'm glad you feel comfortable to confide in us. Keep us posted.

[dscarr]

First of all, big hugs.

I don't have much different advice for you than already has been given, but I would stress that you should look into therapy for yourself. The bottom line is that you can't control his decisions/actions, but you can control yours and you are going to need a professional to talk with.

[katelou]

big hugs housecarder, I don't have any advice but wanted to say I'm so sorry you guys are dealing with this. You, your DH and your family are in my prayers.

[mrss44]

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Mental illness is tough but remember, you are tough too. Hugs!

[ellebelle]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I like the plan you came up with. I hope that appointment is already made. Please keep us updated. (hugs)

[harlowjune1984]

Sorry that you are going through this, housecarder. I see in your recent post that he is agreeing to get some help, so hopefully he follows through with it, not just for you and the kids, but for himself as well. The hardest part is seeing someone that you love, not take the proper steps to get help. I hope that with the therapy, he will put away the alcohol and video games...and help out more as well.

[TnT10]

I'm sorry that you are going through this but am glad that he is willing to take responsibility and take actions to move forward. Hugs!

[housecarder]

He has a place picked and is waiting to hear back from them about our insurance. Either way he's going whether it's covered or not. He's helped a lot more around the house the past couple days. I hope this pattern holds. Thank you all for your support and prayers.

[lostinfaith225]

I don't have any additional advice. You have already gotten some good advice.

Just wanted to say hugs!!!

[mugster]

Just here to send you a hug. I'm glad he is taking steps, and hope things improve.