husband/wife/SO check-in

[ashbash]

@jemomma I have had to explain this to H before, they really dont get it.
I tell him he needs to just accept it and be understanding or he can have the kids for 10 hours and I will just pop in to nurse and he can do the rest and then we can see if he feels up to being all touchy feely and talking. He has always chilled out and not taken me up on the stay at home Dad day

[beersandweirs]

Things have not changed too much in our relationship it seems. I think at first he was surprised at how hard a time I was having and felt bad that he couldn't help more. And then I felt bad that I was making him feel like that... it was a vicious cycle. Things are a lot better now, and I can tell he is more excited to hang out with baby now, too. We don't have sex very often, but we have never been super frequent in that area, either.

[erbear]

I've had to explain the over touched thing to H a few times, especially when she's clingy. And I only have one kid!

We're doing well. With her going to bed by 7:30 most night, it gives us an hour and a half of alone time, which is nice. We watched a movie last week, even! We're going to likely go see Star Wars together this weekend, too.

One thing that I can't understand is how I manage to get everything done when I'm home with the baby - cooking, cleaning, errands - and H can't even load the dishwasher.

[hannahl201477]

Well at first our relationship didn't change much. He was extra helpful and supportive. Now fast forward 6 months and he is making me very resentful. Most of you saw my random post on Monday where he refused to give Mal a bottle. Well the next night he did MOTN bc I had fever. Last night Mal had fever and I have awful cough and was having a spell and he got all mad. I never expect him to do MOTN but if I ask him for help I do EXPECT that!

[mrsmonogrammed]

We're doing fairly well.
It does bug me that the baby is still considered "my responsibility" on weekends and he can just go downstairs and "relax". I know it's because we're BF and he knows she needs to be close to me, but like erbear 's H, he also thinks he can't do ANYTHING else when he has her. Dude, I'm supposed to clean the whole house while I have her but you can't do 1 chore?! Gah.
His only complaint is that I'm like you @jemomma and don't want to be touched all the time when I have the baby hanging all over me on weekends. He thinks he's being playful touching me and then I get annoyed and then he's annoyed that I'm annoyed...it's a vicious cycle.
But he's an amazing dad and when I'm struggling to get things done he does step up and help. I think he just doesn't realize exactly how much I do. I'm going to offer him a day like ashbash suggested;)

[musicfrk2002]

We're doing okay I suppose. I'm just sick of having to tell him to do certain things, like put your dishes in the dishwasher. If I ask him to do things he will do them, but I feel like a lot of things should be common sense.

I think I'm going to make him give J a bath tomorrow. I have no idea when the last time we gave him one was, and I'm not really supposed to be lifting him. H is afraid of this and needs to get over it. He won't feed him any solids because he thinks he has to give him a bath every time (uhh, wipe him down with wipes he will be fine).

I'm planning on having a talk with him tonight about this and some other things we have going on. So we'll see how that goes.

[Deleted]

DH is a.maz.ing. He was absolutely made to be a father. Watching him with P and DS1 just absolutely melts my heart. I had no idea it was possible to fall even more in love with him like this but we are closer than we have ever been, right now. We still have our stupid spats now and then (had one last night, in fact) but after knowing each other 18.5 years, things just roll right off of us and we move on immediately. My one regret is that we didn't get it together enough to do this the first time around so we could have more kids together. But then, I know we just weren't ready back then and we wouldn't have these kids so it's hard to really regret the fact that we took the long route to get here. I wish we were having sex more often but, it's not a huge issue. We do the best we can and I know that once the baby starts actually sleeping eventually, SOON PLEASE?, it will happen.

[veggiemo]

Things are good. This LO is an absolute DREAM compared to DS1 so honestly, things haven't changed much at all. DH is a big help around the house and takes both kids one day a week while I go to work. We are both struggling with DS1 and some serious behavior issues but usually when one of us is losing our shit, the other can take over and be the "calmer" parent.

Funny this was brought up today as DH's best friend called him last night and said he and his wife were ending things (no children involved). We knew it was coming but it's the first divorce in our friend group so it's still hard to swallow. DH and I then spent the better part of the evening discussing the whole thing and our own relationship. Seems like we are in a good place and on the same page. Let's hope we can keep it that way!

[Widget123]

DH's way of showing affection is poking me with his finger, literally. So like I'm trying to do something, anything, from loading the dishwasher to going up the stairs etc., and he will run up to me and poke me. I tell him "don't touch me" and he gets upset.

DH and I also have different senses of time. I will leave him with the kids for a few minutes and he'll say I've been gone for a half an hour. He also frequently makes comments about how he spends so much more time with the kids than I do. Not only is that totally untrue, but a lot of his time is just from him dropping and picking up the kids from daycare.

The thing that he has been doing that really annoys me (other than above) is that he say's he'll watch LO then he will just lay on our bed and lay LO on the bed beside him. Then of course LO doesn't want to just lay there so he will get upset. It's like, geeze, pick up the kid and walk around, sit him in your lap, do something other than just laying there.

[jessila]

Things are going pretty well.
I also don't want to be touched and have just one kid. My temper is way shorter than it used to be because I'm always so damn tired. He keeps bringing up the state of the housekeeping in the middle of the week. I'm gone 10-12 hours a day then take care of O as soon as I get home. I make dinner, bathe (myself or O depending on the day), then put O to bed. I think I'm home and awake a total of 3 hours almost all of which I'm responsible for the baby. I'm resentful of the restful sleep that he's getting while I'm still up 2-3 times a night.
Overall, he is really helpful and encourages me to go out on the weekends with O to make it easier. Usually it's during nap time so DH does some sort of chores at that time. He does help out but I have to ask him to do things. I pointed this out along the lines of 'Why can't you just see a need and take care of it?'
And we both wish sex would happen more often. Once sleep is happening I see it becoming a higher priority.

[ashbash]

Overall things are great. DH is super helpful and will always give me a break when I ask. He is 1000x more hands on and less nervous this time around.

We too are in the not enough sex boat but no sleep and me bfing kills that. It will come back, all in time.

The one area of issue is not feeling connected, 90% of our convos are about kids, house stuff or work. We need to prioritize going out on a date a couple times a month and not talking shop - new years resolution?

[mrsmonogrammed]

Dec 23, 2015 13:58:22 GMT -5 @jemomma said:

Am I the only who wishes sex would happen less frequently? lol. H gets it 3-4 times a week. If I had my way It would be 2 time a week max!

m

My DH would think he died and went to heaven if it was happening that often in my house! LOL

[holliberry28]

Things started off pretty rocky when M was first born. But now that he's getting bigger, H is definitely stepping it up and helping out a lot more. We always bathe him together, every other night, I give him his bedtime bottle, and then H walks around with M on his shoulders and says goodnight to each room. It sounds so freaking cute, "Goodnight Kitchen, this is where we eat our food, I love you; Goodnight Closet, this is where Lucy and Maggie pee and poop [Litter Box inside,] I love you. Then I read him a few books, sing some songs, and H rocks him and puts him down in his crib.

This is wonderful but I am a little sad that M does not like me rocking him AT ALL. He will cry until he is put down in the crib. It doesn't help that sometimes I think H has better parenting instincts when it comes to getting the baby to STTN.

He has a hard time spending too much alone time with the baby though. And, ends up asking MIL for way too much help. So, in addition to watching him while we work, she'll take him in the morning (7-11ish) so we can sleep in. So, now we BOTH have to take more responsibility and give up our occasional weekend morning to sleep in, and give MIL the weekend off. I think we both get a little exhausted spending all day at home with the baby. But, have too much anxiety taking him places b/c of fear of shitty naps, fussiness, etc. I know this is an issue but hoping we get better as we learn how to be good parents.

[erbear]

I think we were 3-4 times a week when we first started dating. By the time we got married, it was once a week. I actually wish we did it more often, but I know we're rarely horny/energetic at the same time.

[tjanca22]

Uhh what husband? I'm lucky if I see DH 1 night a week. That should give you an idea how how much sex is going on over here.

We found out that we need a new roof a couple of months ago, so DH's idea to pay for it is to work work work. He put in 110 hours at one of his jobs last week alone.

Our biggest argument lately has been that I feel like he thinks I'm not contributing enough because I only work 40 hours a week but then E and the house is my responsibility. I want him to realize that doing those three things are a LOT of work. DH thinks I'm resentful that he's not around to help out with E and the house and that it's rough on him working that many hours and not seeing us much at all. As you can see our fight didn't get very far since both of us really just want the other to be thankful for what the other is Doug. We're working on it slowly but surely. We do make an effort to eat at the dinner table with no phones and just talk on the nights that he is home. He also promised to take 1 day off of work next week and made sure to have all day Christmas off so that we can be together then as well.

We're basically working on spending and enjoying our time together when we are together.

[Deleted]

Dec 23, 2015 13:58:22 GMT -5 @jemomma said:

Am I the only who wishes sex would happen less frequently? lol. H gets it 3-4 times a week. If I had my way It would be 2 time a week max!

2x a week would be great.  It's not that I haven't wanted it the last couple of weeks but I've had back to back to back flu, strep throat, and now chest cold so there is just no way. I tried the other day and DH is still afraid to touch me.  I am so over being sick.

[Deleted]

@jemmoma Wow 3-4 times. We are more like once a week. I feel like things are getting better with our relationship every week. The first 3 months after LO was born were rough due to us both being sleep deprived. We are in same boat as veggiemo where our second is so much easier then our first. She is so chill. She does wake up a lot but that will pass. I have learned if H does something that bothers me he reacts way better if I wait a minute and calmly say. ' hey can I talk to you about what just happened'. That way we are not just bickering at each other.

[Deleted]

FTR, things haven't been barfingly perfect and rainbow scented here since P arrived. We had a couple of huge blow ups the first two months, complete with screaming, crying, and name calling, mostly because I was so hormonal and we were both so ridiculously exhausted from no sleep. But we've since figured out how to cope with it and make it work for the benefit all of us. And like I said, we never let those moments define us and just let them roll off. Having DS1 in therapy for his own anger and adjustment issues recently has actually helped us too because we are so much more cognizant of how we react to things and the examples we are modeling for him. Plus we also get to chat briefly with the psychologist about what is going on at home before DS1's sessions which really opens up our lines of communication. Even when things are amazing it is still always a work in progress.

Oh, and DH just now informed that that as soon as DS1 leaves for his dad's house within the next half hour we will be putting the baby down for a nap and....   FX the baby actually cooperates with this plan.

[Bluedaisy]

Things aren't bad here and they seem to get better every day. Most of the issues stem from me being spoiled and also trying to adjust to being a stay at home mom/ keeping new mom anxiety at bay. I also am terrible for bottling things up and then exploding over seemingly nothing becuase I have a LONG fuse but sometimes since I bottle stuff up it seems to go without warning.

As LO gets older DH is getting more involved nad seems to be enjoying him more. DH is amazing around the house, he does most of the cooking and helps with other chores too so I really have nothing to complain about.

[gigi3126]

I feel really lucky. H is ridiculously helpful and genuinely enjoys being a dad. We used to split the housework fairly evenly and do most of it together, but he's really stepped up to take on most of my share.
I think we're in the same boat re sex as most of you. I've been trying to initiate more often, and it definitely helps with everything. H is always in a great mood and much more willing to put up with my crazy.

[dogmama22]

We're getting better everyday. Me going back to work has been tough on all of us. I really enjoyed being on top of things at home when I wasn't working. H has always been a good helper when asked, but he had to get back in the groove of helping when I went back. Neither of us are the fighting type, I just eventually end up having a crying meltdown when I don't express myself in a timely manner. I do feel like my hormones are more stable than they were, so that's helped a lot in that department. My nether regions still feel like the Sahara dessert, so things aren't happening very often for us either. I'm sure H is frustrated about it, but he's handling it well. I did give home a nice Christmas present this morning

[mcp6286]

My H is awesome too, but like mrsmonogrammed I get annoyed that on the weekends he expects me to be all over baby duty. He's been a SAHD since he got laid off in October and he's GREAT at being a stay at home parent (much better than I was when I was on maternity leave). My house is always clean and he does all the MOTN baby stuff. So I can't complain too much but as soon as I get home or on weekends, he's all "Here's the baby" and it's all me. I finally explained to him last week that while I LOVE spending time with her when I'm home, I don't want to be the only one on duty because I need "me" time too. I totally get that he needs a break from her, especially how she's been sleeping lately, but I deal with kids all day. Sometimes I just want a hot shower and to go to Target all alone. Since I told him that, he's been a lot better about offering to give me some alone time.

And then my mom guilt sets in and I'm like "OMG I want to spend every waking moment with my baby, give her back!" So clearly, I'm a hot mess and don't know what I want.

Also, +1 for very infrequent sex. That's a bummer...

[seannemairi]

We're still solid as ever. H is so great with her and clearly loves her more than life itself. That being said, I do all the work. He's never given her a bath, feeds her solids on a rare occasion (I still bf and he'll give her a bottle after daycare on days I get home after him) he'll hold her for a little bit while she cries and then hand her off. She wakes up so frequently at night I'm just barely functional and when I see him nap or relax on weekends when I have her hanging off of me all day it makes my fucking blood boil. On days I wash my hair he has her for a grand total of 45 minutes and when I tell him beforehand that I'm washing my hair that night he's like ugh fine. Like wtf dude? I'm gonna wash my hair when I want. I think what gets on my nerves the very most is that if I have work and he gets off early or something he'll take her to his aunts house so he can have the day to himself.... what exactly do you do that you need a break from?! Now, just to be fair he plays with her constantly, loves her unconditionally, treats me like a queen, and we are all very happy. I just get so annoyed that he thinks what he does is equally as exhausting as what I do. He truly has no idea what being THIS tired feels like. And for that I wish to kick him.

As far as sex goes, I have not been interested AT ALL. She's on me constantly and for right now sleeps with us. At the risk of sounding like some weird prude, we just recently had sex for the first time since having her. We kept talking about it but the opportunity just never arose. It sounds bad when I type it but I was a flight attendant so it was never super regular to begin with and we're both fine with that. That's just how we are. Anyway, I felt like I lost my virginity all over again. I think this may have hurt worse. Hopefully we can make it to once a week now and it'll get better. Please don't judge me haha.