I actually managed to hold my pee from 1030 to 430am, woke up and took a FRER with that saved up FMU. I was really truly honestly thinking that line was going to darken. Christmas miracle and all that jazz. Well, just the opposite happened. The line is gone. Totally gone. Not even a squinter and I really tried hard to see something. Test is completely negative. Obviously I see where this is going.
I feel kind of numb. I'm heartbroken.
But today is Christmas and I have two happy healthy beautiful little ones who are going to wake up soon so excited to see what Santa brought and I am going to try so hard not to let this cloud that.
I don't know what happens from here. I had this thought like wouldn't it be something if my doc office calls with my beta results and is like "uhh it's 0 you were never pregnant". Idk why lol. I have 4 days worth of lines on tests. I kind of hope that I'll just start bleeding before Monday. But not today. Please please please body, not today.
5 years TTC 2 c/p's 2 failed IUIs/1 cancelled IVF 1 failed IVF 1 failed FET BFP 12/1/15. We said goodbye to Tiny 1/4/16 Fresh cycle #3 2/16 8R/7M/5F BFP 5/12/16 We said goodbye to flutter on 5/27 and poprock on 5/28 BFP 8/30/16 We said goodbye to Samuel 10/3 (Trisomy 16) Moving on to Donor Embryos BFP 12/20/16 We said goodbye to Turtle 12/30
TTC #1 since August 2011 DH (32): SA is ok, slightly low morph, normal SCSA Me (32): Slightly low P4, hostile CM, carrier for CF, high NKC, High TNFa, heterozyogous mutated Factor XIII, and +APA October 2012-August 2015: 4 failed IUIs, 3 failed IVFs, 2 failed FETs w/donor embryos, 1 freeze all IVF, 1 Failed FET, and 1 cancelled FET November 2015: FET w/ DEm #3 Transferred 1 perfect 6AA blast
Post by redthestral13 on Dec 25, 2015 7:37:03 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are going through this today of all days. I hope you can find some comfort in the joy of your little ones today. So much love to you mama.
Thank you everyone. You have all been so supportive and amazing for the short time I've been here while I was in limbo and confused. Wishing you all happy and healthy pregnancies and beautiful squishy baby. I'll be stalking and love titting along if that's ok.
Me (30) MH (32) Dx: MFI (low all the things) M. 10/11. TTC Since 01/14 IUI#1-3(Letrozole + Trigger) = BFN Second Opinion. Changed RE's. IVF 09/15 Long Lupron 12R/9M/8F, Transferred 1=BFN. 4 frosties. FET #1 12/15 Transferred 1 (3 still on ice)
AW: not goodDec 25, 2015 12:25:54 GMT -5via mobile
Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2015 12:25:54 GMT -5
I told my mom. We were in the phone and it was just repeating in my head. I just felt like I wanted my mommy. So it came out like word vomit. She was supportive (she's not always an emotionally supportive type of person, much more of a "suck it buttercup" type). She also told me that had a miscarriage which I never knew. So she does know the awful feeling. I'm glad that at least if I seem a little off today she will know why instead of hounding me with questions.
I am putting on my best happy face for my LOs though. They're amazing. The day is flying by.
Thank you everyone. You have all been so supportive and amazing for the short time I've been here while I was in limbo and confused. Wishing you all happy and healthy pregnancies and beautiful squishy baby. I'll be stalking and love titting along if that's ok.
@irish, so very sorry. I was hoping for you that today would be a happier day. I am glad your mom is being so warm and understanding. Take care of yourself.
AW: not goodDec 25, 2015 14:02:13 GMT -5via mobile
Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2015 14:02:13 GMT -5
Do the men not grieve? H just seems like he has moved on. Like it was never there. I know he understands I am sad and he is being supportive but he was very "oh" about the situation.
So yeah, I'm glad my mom knows
I am also feeling... Guilt. I know it's crazy but I was thinking fuck I took an antibiotic (amoxicillin) and I thought I read it could fuck up implantation. I know, I know. It's not my fault and I need to just let it go and understand that this was not our take home baby.
Now I am kind of wishing I would start bleeding today so I can just grieve and move the fuck on. I don't like waiting for things.
Sorry I'm kind of live blogging. On my way to my moms for Christmas celebration so this is probably a post and run.
AW: not goodDec 25, 2015 14:20:49 GMT -5via mobile
Post by elebishi on Dec 25, 2015 14:20:49 GMT -5
I think I missed some of your other posts, but I want to say I am so sorry. And on Christmas, of all days. You absolutely did nothing to cause it. I understand that feeling though. Please be easy on yourself.
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