Loss Check-In

[mrswheelo]

Since some have expressed interest, I thought I would start a check-in!
I'm so sorry you all find yourselves here. But you will be given amazing support.
1- How do you feel this week?

2- What challenges have you faced this week? And what have you dont to overcome them?

3- Who has been your biggest supporter? And least supportive person?
******************************************

1- I am feeling a mixture of sad and happy. I'm happy to be back at work and feeling a little more like my old self, but I feel randomly sad. I am wondering how to tell if this is normal grieving or if I'm not making any progress, & it is turning into depression. The twins were born in November.

2- This week I had a hard time seeing/talking to ppl I haven't been around since I was pregnant. So far, I have avoided them like the plague, so not real progress there. But I plan to bite the bullet and meet with some family I've been dodging.

3- My biggest supporter is my husband. He is always there to listen. My least supportive person has actually been my grandfather. He never even acknowledged that I lost the twins. My neighbor's friend sent us a floral arrangement and a Christmas ornament, but my own grandfather didn't so much as call me. Still not sure how to process that.

[happyin14]

mrswheelo. This is still so new! Of course you still get sad. I think it's completely normal. People talk about grief coming in waves and I have found that to be so true. You just get hit with the sadness. For me, the waves are less frequent but not any less overwhelming. Easier to deal with because I have practice. As weird as that sounds../ hugs.



1- How do you feel this week? Feeling okay. Had a very long talk with my mom about everything on Friday and that was good.

2- What challenges have you faced this week? And what have you dont to overcome them? we are having a benefit March 1st for a foundation we started in Jack's honor. It's only 4 weeks away and I just get stuck with the planning. I sort of glaze over. No plan other than I just HAVE to do it all...

3- Who has been your biggest supporter? And least supportive person? Most supportive is my husband and 2 of my best friends. MH and I are committed to giving each other space when needed and listening to the other when we need that.

Least supportive is one of my other best friends. She is an evangelical Christian who has been trying to get me to listen to her about God's plan... I don't believe God "does" this or could stop this from happening. I believe He is next to me and carrying me but just as heartbroken. She's also the one who said I haven't been focused on her enough this past year...

[mrswheelo]

happyin14, thank you for the reassurance. This is a very confusing journey. For me, each week holds a new challenge I thought I had already overcome.
I'm so glad you had a good talk with your mom. Those talks can be hard. I recently had a good one with my mom & discovered that as a grandparent, my mom is also grieving. She asked me for pictures of the twins and I was so happy she wanted them! Losses can be so hard on marriage. I'm glad you and your husband are able to be there for eachother. As for your friend, I remember seeing that posted previously. I am still in disbelief over how selfish she is acting!SMH. Good luck with the benefit. It's such a great idea! I hope you have some help. Events like that are alot of work. Many hugs to you as well!

[happyin14]

Jan 31, 2015 21:32:25 GMT -5 mrswheelo said:

happyin14, thank you for the reassurance. This is a very confusing journey. For me, each week holds a new challenge I thought I had already overcome.
I'm so glad you had a good talk with your mom. Those talks can be hard. I recently had a good one with my mom & discovered that as a grandparent, my mom is also grieving. She asked me for pictures of the twins and I was so happy she wanted them! Losses can be so hard on marriage. I'm glad you and your husband are able to be there for eachother. As for your friend, I remember seeing that posted previously. I am still in disbelief over how selfish she is acting!SMH. Good luck with the benefit. It's such a great idea! I hope you have some help. Events like that are alot of work. Many hugs to you as well!

Your mom is not just grieving her grandkids, she is also so, so sad for her child. It's almost double - although not quite. I realized talking to my mom that she had been dealing with the some of the same issues. She was worried that I would be upset that she would add Jack to the tally of grandkids. I was so glad she said something because I would want her to still consider him a grandchild.

And yeah. MH and I have had our tough spots but we also take care of each other. And he's the only other person who lost what I lost.

I am sorry you are feeling frustrated with the journey. It is frustrating... My therapist would tell me all the time that feeling these things again doesn't mean I am doing "worse". It's not linear. It means that my body was ready to deal with that emotion. Weirdly, you will eventually find comfort in these feelings because they are so familiar. I now think "oh, right, I know how to handle this." Or "I know this isn't permanent."

[mrswheelo]

Jan 31, 2015 21:45:28 GMT -5 happyin14 said:

Jan 31, 2015 21:32:25 GMT -5 mrswheelo said:

happyin14, thank you for the reassurance. This is a very confusing journey. For me, each week holds a new challenge I thought I had already overcome.
I'm so glad you had a good talk with your mom. Those talks can be hard. I recently had a good one with my mom & discovered that as a grandparent, my mom is also grieving. She asked me for pictures of the twins and I was so happy she wanted them! Losses can be so hard on marriage. I'm glad you and your husband are able to be there for eachother. As for your friend, I remember seeing that posted previously. I am still in disbelief over how selfish she is acting!SMH. Good luck with the benefit. It's such a great idea! I hope you have some help. Events like that are alot of work. Many hugs to you as well!

Your mom is not just grieving her grandkids, she is also so, so sad for her child. It's almost double - although not quite. I realized talking to my mom that she had been dealing with the some of the same issues. She was worried that I would be upset that she would add Jack to the tally of grandkids. I was so glad she said something because I would want her to still consider him a grandchild.

And yeah. MH and I have had our tough spots but we also take care of each other. And he's the only other person who lost what I lost.

I am sorry you are feeling frustrated with the journey. It is frustrating... My therapist would tell me all the time that feeling these things again doesn't mean I am doing "worse". It's not linear. It means that my body was ready to deal with that emotion. Weirdly, you will eventually find comfort in these feelings because they are so familiar. I now think "oh, right, I know how to handle this." Or "I know this isn't permanent."

Those are very wise words. I'm hoping to get there soon. Thank you for the encouragement. 

[flutterfly88]

mrswheelo I agree with happyin14, it is completely normal for your grief to come in waves. My son was born in October, so our journeys are very close. I'm still being hit with waves of sadness but not as much, which brings it's own problem, guilt. When I realize that I'm feeling kind of "normal" again I start to feel guilty about feeling better, that this pain shouldn't be going away so fast, and it dishonours Parker's memory.

happyin14 I'm so sorry for all that your friend has said to you. I'm in disbelief how someone who calls themselves a friend could say things like that. I'm so glad you have other friends and YH who are supportive. And I agree with you in regards to "God's plan", I can't believe that a loving God would cause what happened, but I do believe that He is with you, and brokenhearted for you.

AFM:
1- How do you feel this week?

I'm actually starting to get back to feeling normal, having more better moments than not. We got our NILMDTS photos back a week ago, and that has been therapeutic. The photographer did an amazing job, I'm so happy to have them, and have been showing them off so much. It's almost like I'm a "normal" proud parent, showing off my son.


*****warning: pregnancy & LC mentioned, not mine*********




2- What challenges have you faced this week? And what have you done to overcome them?

Just a few days ago a HS friend on FB announced her pregnancy. I was so not expecting it, and tbh, it stung quite a bit. I hemmed and hawed about commenting, because when I was in the hospital before we lost Parker, she messaged me quite a bit, asking how I was doing and such. I decided to pm her instead of commenting on her announcement, b/c I didn't want all the notifications when other people commented. We got to talking and she revealed that this is her 5th pregnancy, with 3 others being losses. She also mentioned about being in the high risk category and through all that it helped me a little bit to overcome the initial sting. It's not that I'm happy for her losses, but I feel like she gets where I'm at, and I'm so hoping and praying things go well for her, but there is a part of me that is struggling with jealousy as well.


3- Who has been your biggest supporter? And least supportive person?

My biggest supporters have been my DH, my oldest sister, my best friend and up until mid-December another close friend (she died very suddenly and traumatically, which sent my life into a second tail-spin, just as I was feeling things start to level out).

The least supportive person I would have to say is my second sister, we've never really been close, I think she spent a lot of our growing up years resenting me and my presence in her life (I'm 2 years younger and was always wanting to do the things she did). That has followed us into adulthood, and for the past few years it feels like we've been in competition with each other (who can get married first, have kids first etc). We've both had 2 miscarriages in 2 years (Parker's death medically classified as a mc, due to being before 24 weeks), and as sad as it is, I was hoping it would somehow help us grow closer together.

When I was hospitalized in October, she came to visit twice. The first visit, she said maybe 2 words to me, didn't look at me at all (even put her hand up to block looking at me) and all she really talked about to the other people in the room was how being there reminder her of her mc, and how she didn't like having to cover my shifts at work (we work together). The second visit was the day of Parker's birth, and she probably wouldn't have come if I hadn't called and asked if she wanted to, and somehow managed to make the conversations about her loss again. This is a little thing, and it probably bothers me more than it should, but for Parker's funeral she wore jogging pants and a purple sweatshirt. It sort of felt like a slap in the face (although I know rationally, this shouldn't be a big deal).


Wow, sorry for the novel. I'm amazed if you made it to the end. Thanks for listening!

[mrswheelo]

flutterfly88, No need to apologize! I'm so glad you were able to get the NILMDTS photos! I've only just heard about them and they sound wonderful.

I am glad you have ppl surrounding you that you can turn to for support. I am so happy to hear that so many of us are able to turn to our H's. And your pregnant friend is so lucky to have you. It took alot of strength to message her about her pregnancy. I am.very sorry about your friend that passed away. That can not be easy to process on top of everything else.

Your sister sounds very competitive, to the point that she is being purposely hurtful. There's a line and she definitely crossed it. I wish she could get over herself enough that you could be closer. As sisters and as loss moms. My SIL is that way. **pregnancy mentioned, not mine**


One week she said she wasn't having any more children. When we said we were going to start ttc, guess who was pregnant the same f-ing time as us? She was so jealous from the beginning. When she found put we had twins, her first response was to tell everyone that one would probably die in the first trimester. Yeah, FML. She is still pregnant and her due date is literally weeks away from ours. To top it off, she is a nurse at Children's Hospital. So when I started having contractions, I called to ask her professional advice. Now, somehow, she is our hero. Telling everyone that she helped us out with so much during our loss. My FIL even brought it up at the twin's funeral. That "Older Sister" helped us with everything. Wow. I'm never asking her a question ever again.
Sisters can suck!

[happyin14]

Stupid sisters... It's weird, right? You want things like this to change a family dynamic. Because everyone should get what's actually important but it doesn't happen.

I remember after we lost Jack that I instantly worried about my marriage. I said "every book, movie, whatever- the couple breaks up". And 80,000 people "warned" us that this might kill our marriage. But I have found that to not be the majority of the time. It is hard work but can also bring partners closer together. I find movies and books and plays almost always get it wrong... About many things.

[flutterfly88]

mrswheelo Thanks, I'm glad you understand. I'm sorry about your SIL, I agree sisters can suck! Did you take any pictures after your twins were born? I have heard that if you didn't have them come to the hospital they will edit some of the pictures you took for you, if you want.

happyin14 For about a week or two it seemed like she was starting to change a little bit (aside from what I mentioned), was a little more helpful and caring, but now is back to her old ways, although she keeps vaguely mentioning having DH and I over for dinner. About a month after we lost Parker I said to DH "I totally understand why the divorce rate is so high after the death of a child" (I don't know what it actually is, but "they" say that it is a big marriage killer). We were constantly taking our grief out on each other, reacting to every little thing, but we're each other's safe place, the place that we know can take it. So it's important to be vigilant, but you're right with hard work, it can bring you closer together.

[mrswheelo]

We took alot of pics ourselves. It would be awesome if they could edit some for us. Thanks. I will look into it.

[mrswheelo]

., welcome to the board. I'm glad you are able to focus on things other than your loss. We lost our twins in November, so it's still fresh for me. I think about them everyday & I don't see that changing. Some days are just better than others.
I hope all goes well with your appt tomorrow and you can remain strong.
Apparently sisters are the worst support! Lol. I have other sisters that are supportive, but there seems to be a theme of there being "that one sister" who just sucks at being a sister. :/

Sending you ((hugs)) to get through tomorrow