What would you do or say?

[firstcomeslove2013]

I am reposting this from my other group. It has to do with something that happened recently and TTC-ing #2.


What would you do in this situation? So as you may or may not know, we are getting ready to TTC #2. We haven't told any friends or family (aside from you all) but we went to the RE, Bloodwork is done and my baseline is today.

We gave my parents a gift that was separate from their Christmas gifts. When I gave it to them they said "oh god, you're not going to tell us you're pregnant are you???" Needless to say I was a little shocked and a tiny bit hurt but all in all shrugged it off and then went on with the day.

We called my grandma at some point and she was at my uncles. My cousin announced she was pregnant and my parents acted like it was the greatest news. Needless to say it hurt and made me mad to hear them say this.

After dinner, I was talking with my mom, sister and C and I brought up the comment and kind of played it off like "what you all don't want any more grandkids" and my mom said "No, of course we want more grandkids but with 3 under 3 it's exhausting". Now, I appreciate them so much but we only have one kid. I am with my sisters kids a lot but I also don't feel we should dictate when we have children based on how many kids my sister has. It took us over a year to conceive H so we don't plan on telling people we are trying right away.

I don't know how to approach this with my parents or even react if the time comes for us to announce and we get that reaction again. My parents are super supportive and so so helpful which is why I was so shocked to hear my dad (the baby hog) say those words with such panic. I tend to be the one who is considered "the glue" which I don't mind but just because my sister can have a baby by blinking doesn't mean we should be penalized.

I write this post for two reasons. One is to vent...the other is to ask: what would you do or what would you say?

[wittyandwaiting]

First of all, I'm so sorry you got that kind of reaction.

If you really want to keep TTC round two under wraps, it's hard to say anything.

I would perhaps try to say something elusive but direct (does that even make sense) like "I can't get that comment you made about me being pregnant at Christmas out of my head. C and I don't know what building our family could look like in the future (true because even though you've started the process you never really know.....) but I'd like to think that you'd be happy for us and supportive." And go from there.

Perhaps it will give them an opportunity to reflect on the impact of what what said and also open up some opportunity for conversation.

[karlamo]

firstcomeslove2013, What kind of relationship do you have with your parents? Do you typically have "deep" discussions like this, and confront each other on stuff they have said that hurt the other? I ask this because it would change how I approach the situation.

If you all typically sit down and talk when something is bothering you all then I would do just that and have a sit down or over the phone chat about how the comment caught you off guard and that you plan to build your family and while you don't know when it will happen, you hope when the time comes to share the news that they will be happy and supportive of you.

If you don't usually have these types of conversations then I would let it slide this one time but if another was made again by them then I would speak up in the moment and say you have plans of giving H a sibling and you hope they can support you with your choice to have another baby. I'm sure when the time really comes they will be happy with the news. Maybe even ask why does your having a baby scare them?

Good Luck. I honestly have yet to meet grandparents who aren't madly in love with all their grandbabies. They will adore the new baby too I'm sure.

[mahler5]

I was going to say talk to them directly about it but forgot you are trying to keep TTC under wraps. I just know when I get my feelings hurt with people I am close to I have a tendency to hold things in and not give them a chance to realize they hurt my feelings and apologize. And I hold a grudge. What wittyandwaiting said makes sense if you don't want to tell them you are TTC.

I think some people don't realize how long it can take to TTC and the added stress of doing it as a lesbian couple. I don't know if they are aware of your struggles the first time around. Or even if they are, they may not be thinking about how that would affect you wanting to TTC #2 early. I don't know how old you are either. We are older so I think our parents were happy because they know we don't have a lot of time left. But if we were younger I would have wanted to start early too because we have some reproductive issues.

Don't know if that is helpful. But again, sorry they said those things. Good luck deciding what to do.

[kh826]

firstcomeslove2013 - I am really sorry that you and C are having to deal with this. The idea of adding another child to your family should be exciting and joyous. I think that your parents' comments were out of line to be completely honest, because it makes it sounds like your sister's children are your sole responsibility and that your family planning should revolve around your continued ability to provide childcare for your sister's kiddos (not to say that you can't/won't anyway!), which is equally unfair to you and C. I also think it is unfair to your sister, b/c it makes her seem somehow like less of a parent to her own children (in my opinion). Anyway, I think the whole thing is crappy, so I wanted to acknowledge that out of the gate.

I can say that in some ways I can relate to worrying about/dealing with a less than stellar response RE: TTC #2 from family. Particularly my family. My sisters made is very clear that they felt it was "unfair to William" that we wanted to add another baby to the family so quickly. That some how it would impede on his "special time" as an only child to have another baby so soon. I did not tell them that we were TTC #2, but we made a few vague comments about hopefully growing our family soon right around the time that we started TTC again and they latched onto that. Anyway, it really put a damper on the start of our TTC #2 journey at first, but J kept reminding me that it really didn't matter what anyone else thought as long as we were happy and doing what we thought was best for our family. The response when we announced I was pregnant this time was a little lack luster, but J helped me to keep perspective and not freak out or obsess over it. Fast forward several months, and now everyone is excited for this new baby to arrive and join the family. My family has mostly done a 180 on their position about us having 2 under 2. However, for me, I decided a while ago that it didn't really matter to me whether or not they did... that is WAY easier said than done, and I am sure I would have still been pretty hurt if they were continually voicing discontent about this pregnancy, but J really helped me to think about this differently and decide that no matter how they responded we wouldn't let it detract from our joy and excitement.

With all of that being said, I think my personal experience leads me to recommend that you perhaps vent all you want to C about this, but maybe just let it go with your family and wait to see what happens with TTC and see what their responses are when you do announce another pregnancy. It just may not be a battle worth fighting at this point, and the drama that focusing on it and confronting them about it will bring will only further distract you from the excitement of TTC. It is really hard to just put their hurtful feelings aside and just move on with your life and take their comments with a grain of salt, but sometimes that is the best way to focus on your own happiness in my experience. Now, if it comes up again and they continue to voice these kinds of comments, then I think that is another story. However, at this point, I would just try to let it go and try to not think too much about it.

Also, based on how awesome it sounds like your parents are, and the close relationship that you have with them, I am willing to bet that they will come around and they will be thrilled once you are actually pregnant and especially once baby arrives. I am also willing to bet that if they knew how hurt and upset you were about their comments, they would feel badly. Sometimes family doesn't think before they speak, and sometimes they don't realize when they are being hurtful, judge-y, unfair with their comments. Sometimes it is worth calling them out and having a bigger conversation about it... and sometimes it just makes things harder on you in the process to pursue the issue further. That is just my 2 cents. I would hate to see this become a big conflict and make this exciting time in the journey to build your family any less exciting.

[Deleted]

I think kh826 is right on with her response.