TTC & Telling Family? WWYD

[seattleblondie]

DH and I have been more seriously talking about TFAS in/around/after February of this year. 

Our DS is the only grandchild on all sides. My sister and BIL have been TTC since August and she is very upset they aren't PG yet. She is pretty sensitive and takes a lot of things personally that aren't about her at all. 

She told me when they started TTC. Do you think I should tell her when we do? I didn't tell her last time. I don't want to upset her or "put pressure" on her. 

I am also concerned that either:

She won't be PG and I will get PG first, causing her to be upset/jealous 

She will get PG and I will get PG around the same time, causing her to be upset that I am "stealing her thunder"

(again, I think it's kid of silly, but she is pretty sensitive and takes things personally, often "reacting" in irrational ways) 

Any tips? Suggestions? 

I really want to maintain a good relationship with her, she is my only local family and likely my son's only chance at having a close Aunt/Uncle/Cousin relationship, which is important. 

I don't think we can delay TFAS since I am already looking at AMA and (or course) we don't know how long it might take. 

[requiressnacks]

I would give her a heads up when you start actively trying. Hopefully your sister won't view it as a race.

[thechickencoop]

Do NOT let your family members affect your family planning; you have to do what it right for you. Since she seems over dramatic I might mention that you have decided to TFAS, but I think that's completely up to you; I would think just to avoid conflict down the road. :/

Have fun with that conversation.

[icaughtfire]

Assuming she were to respond like a normal human being, would you plan on telling her?

Don't let the fact that she might act like a toddler force you into discussing plans with her. If she reacts like a drama queen, that's her issues, not yours.

[ohinvrtedworld]

I really feel like it's up to you because there's so many factors outside your control. You seem to do your best to be kind to her and try not to stir up jealousy, but the reality is that you can't control her reactions to things and that it's really up to her to be there as an involved aunt. You're doing your part, she has to meet you partway.

You already identified two situations that might lead to her becoming jealous and dramatic. There's so many factors at play where we don't know how much longer her TTC journey will be, how long yours will be, etc. There's no way to intentionally manufacture the perfect timing for both of you to keep her happy -- it'd be random luck.

I'd think through the reasons why I might regret telling my sister, and compare them to the benefit of telling her and maybe having the timing of the two of you getting pregnant work out in a way that wouldn't incite her to get upset. I'm leaning towards not telling in your situation, but I'm not there so I don't fully know your relationship!

[seattleblondie]

Thanks for all the responses so far.

I guess I am most concerned for her feelings and our relationship. I just want to do what's best for that.

I asked my BFF and she said she thought I should tell my sister when we start TTC. She thought that would be the kindest/best.

She didn't behave very well when I was PG with DS (three years ago). She said some things and acted out. But she's been better since then. She's a good person, just emotional and leans toward thinking everything is about her.

It's hard. At least I have a few months to think about it...?

[requiressnacks]

Jan 2, 2016 13:25:38 GMT -5 seattleblondie said:

Thanks for all the responses so far.

I guess I am most concerned for her feelings and our relationship. I just want to do what's best for that.

I asked my BFF and she said she thought I should tell my sister when we start TTC. She thought that would be the kindest/best.

She didn't behave very well when I was PG with DS (three years ago). She said some things and acted out. But she's been better since then. She's a good person, just emotional and leans toward thinking everything is about her.

It's hard. At least I have a few months to think about it...?

That's weird that she "acted out" when you were PG three years ago! She wasn't even TTC. Sounds like some other issues going on.

[seattleblondie]

Jan 2, 2016 13:28:47 GMT -5 requiressnacks said:

Jan 2, 2016 13:25:38 GMT -5 seattleblondie said:

Thanks for all the responses so far.

I guess I am most concerned for her feelings and our relationship. I just want to do what's best for that.

I asked my BFF and she said she thought I should tell my sister when we start TTC. She thought that would be the kindest/best.

She didn't behave very well when I was PG with DS (three years ago). She said some things and acted out. But she's been better since then. She's a good person, just emotional and leans toward thinking everything is about her.

It's hard. At least I have a few months to think about it...?

That's weird that she "acted out" when you were PG three years ago! She wasn't even TTC. Sounds like some other issues going on.

I think she wasn't in a "happy" place in her life because she was unemployed and feeling down. She has apologized. 

[teachermomtobe]

Not the same, but a very close friend and I started TTC the same month. We had talked about it before hand about what would happen if one of us got pregnant first (which obviously was likely since we wouldn't necessarily get pregnant the same month). That conversation was crucial. She got pregnant the first month and is due 1 month from today and here I am working with a RE. We have an amazingly close friendship because we recognized what might be challenging for us and talked about it before we were actually in the situation. If I were you I'd at least mention a casual "hey we're thinking about TFAS" so she can at least plant it in the back of her mind. It does make hearing the news a lot easier.

[ohinvrtedworld]

After reading through other people's answers and their own experiences, now I'm leaning towards what teachermomtobe suggested -- just casually mentioning it so she isn't totally blind sighted by a potential pregnancy announcement. But you don't owe anyone this information either since it's your sex life & family planning, which you can feel confident in keeping to yourself either way.

[joy]

My sister has two children already. My husband and I started trying when her second was born. He is now 2.5 and she's pregnant with her third. She told us a few months ago and I just got pregnant is December.

I do not feel my thunder was stolen. I do not feel she did anything wrong. I know that her fertility and family choices have nothing to do with me.

[kayladawn91]

I'm glad I didn't tell my family. I wouldn't want to deal with all of the questions. But that's just me.

[penguin129]

H's cousin is pregnant with her 2nd and due in March. We talked about whether we would have a second with each other and around when she would try (she wanted to time it right because she is a teacher). I knew they were trying over the summer and am pretty sure they got pregnant the 1st or 2nd cycle. I'm not bothered by it at all.

I've told family we were going to TFAS, mostly because we told them we were one and done for awhile, but won't actually tell them when we are starting. Those closest to us know that we were on hold because I didn't have insurance. People might start wondering now that I have coverage.

I guess I'm trying to say it wouldn't hurt to casually mention you are going to TFAS. She doesn't need to know the exact date or anything. That way she won't be caught off guard.

[jags8]

**lurking**

I honestly would not tell her. I know it seems silly to you how she is acting, but that's just where she is at. If you tell her, she may suddenly feel like it's a race, and become bitter with you. That happened with a "friend" of mine when I mentioned we were thinking of TTC (she became so bitter before we actually even started, and we are no longer friends). I wouldn't say anything until you are actually pregnant and far enough along that you are comfortable sharing.

[cheezee]

I'm struggling with this because years ago I was that girl. I had watched our family drool over the only grandbaby for nearly two years while I had trouble TTC and a loss. It was hard. Really hard. Then a few months into our pregnancy SIL announced she was pregnant with #2...I was shocked. I couldn't help the way I felt. Hormones will do crazy things to you! I wanted my baby to get all the attention for a while like hers did. I didn't want to share a pregnancy with a close family member...I wanted that to be my time. I got over it. And now I love having cousins so close in age. But I'll admit many selfish childish thoughts were running through my mind for a while. I don't know which would be better if it comes down to it...there's obviously many differing opinions here. I almost feel like telling her you are TFAS would be better so she could wrap her brain around the possibility before being blindsided with an announcement. I absolutely agree that you cannot let someone else affect your family planning. You have to do what is right for your family and I would be sure to mention that if you do tell her.

[seattleblondie]

Jan 3, 2016 6:52:32 GMT -5 @pineappleoranges said:

Who is the younger sister OP?

she is, but only by a couple years. we are both in our 30s.

[TheEleventhHour]

Personally I would not tell family. Your family planning and fertility are not anyone else's business unless you feel a strong need to share (and it sounds like you don't necessarily want to). If that makes her sister upset then it makes her upset. You aren't responsible for her feelings. If you want to keep it between you and your husband that is what you should do.

[pismoduo]

I'm leaning towards not telling her, but making sure you let her know early if you do get pregnant, and in a way that lets her process her feelings without everyone watching her.

[seattleblondie]

Jan 3, 2016 17:48:42 GMT -5 danib said:

I would say don't tell her (unless telling family is something you WANT to do). She's only been trying for 5 months, so there's no reason to think she might not get pregnant very soon. And you haven't even started TTC yet, so if hypothetically she gets pregnant this month, you start trying ina month or two and take a few months to get pregnant, she could potentially already have a baby before you even announce a potential pregnancy. So telling her your plans might be causing temsion/stress that doesn't need to happen.

I would love it if she had her baby before I announced any PG. :-)

[seattleblondie]

Jan 3, 2016 9:16:46 GMT -5 cheezee said:

I'm struggling with this because years ago I was that girl. I had watched our family drool over the only grandbaby for nearly two years while I had trouble TTC and a loss. It was hard. Really hard. Then a few months into our pregnancy SIL announced she was pregnant with #2...I was shocked. I couldn't help the way I felt. Hormones will do crazy things to you! I wanted my baby to get all the attention for a while like hers did. I didn't want to share a pregnancy with a close family member...I wanted that to be my time. I got over it. And now I love having cousins so close in age. But I'll admit many selfish childish thoughts were running through my mind for a while. I don't know which would be better if it comes down to it...there's obviously many differing opinions here. I almost feel like telling her you are TFAS would be better so she could wrap her brain around the possibility before being blindsided with an announcement. I absolutely agree that you cannot let someone else affect your family planning. You have to do what is right for your family and I would be sure to mention that if you do tell her.

I can totally see how you (or my sister) would feel this way. it's not rational and it's not fair (to me) but I expect she would feel all of these things.

I don't want to tell her because I don't want to put pressure on her, but I want to tell her so she won't be upset later that I didn't tell her.

what do you think would have been best for you?

[Evelyn3]

I don't think I would tell her.
However if I became pregnant, and she still had not announced she was, I would tell her early, alone. So as to give her the chance to process it without being blindsided, or in a group setting.

She is only at the 5 month mark, and may have no troubles.

I know for me, now at month 16 of TTC, I really don't care to know if someone is trying, and wouldn't want/need a sibling or my friends to bother telling me.
But if someone knew my situation (at this point no one does), I would appreciate a low-key announcement, as I am finding them harder to take as the months go by.

[cheezee]

Jan 3, 2016 22:36:11 GMT -5 seattleblondie said:

Jan 3, 2016 9:16:46 GMT -5 cheezee said:

I'm struggling with this because years ago I was that girl. I had watched our family drool over the only grandbaby for nearly two years while I had trouble TTC and a loss. It was hard. Really hard. Then a few months into our pregnancy SIL announced she was pregnant with #2...I was shocked. I couldn't help the way I felt. Hormones will do crazy things to you! I wanted my baby to get all the attention for a while like hers did. I didn't want to share a pregnancy with a close family member...I wanted that to be my time. I got over it. And now I love having cousins so close in age. But I'll admit many selfish childish thoughts were running through my mind for a while. I don't know which would be better if it comes down to it...there's obviously many differing opinions here. I almost feel like telling her you are TFAS would be better so she could wrap her brain around the possibility before being blindsided with an announcement. I absolutely agree that you cannot let someone else affect your family planning. You have to do what is right for your family and I would be sure to mention that if you do tell her.

I can totally see how you (or my sister) would feel this way. it's not rational and it's not fair (to me) but I expect she would feel all of these things.

I don't want to tell her because I don't want to put pressure on her, but I want to tell her so she won't be upset later that I didn't tell her.

what do you think would have been best for you?

I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you have with her.  It sounds like she was open with discussing her TTC with you so maybe she was fishing for your TFAS plans?  Personally my SIL and I have always had a bit of an awkward relationship.  I didn't expect her to tell me....and she knew we were having some troubles so I'm betting that's why she didn't.