TTCAL 01/05

[littlelion]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

GTKY:  Share one of your strengths with us. What are you good at (naturally or not), it could be talent, knowledge, skill, etc. 

[littlelion]

How are you doing? Better than the end of last week

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): MTHFR and AMA

Updates/questions:
I'm in my TWW. Last week I kept symptom spotting? Is that when you think every little thing is a symptom of being KU? Well, I was crying a lot and taking naps so I jumped to the conclusion that I probably was pregnant. Calculated an EDD and told my DH who promptly talked me off the ledge. This week I feel fine much more sane. Except that last night I went to buy some milk and saw pregnancy tests on sale so I bought 2 boxes. Now I'm itching to POAS. 

Debbie downer (a place to vent): None this week. 

GTKY: I am going to say I am good at learning new things esp computer reporting systems. And that has to do with a really good memory, a hint of photographic memory but not quite. I do have to say that it doesn't stick as well when I don't enjoy the topic. I've taken more stats classes than I can count and I still need to look up the most basic information. 

[kayladawn91]

How are you doing? Mostly okay.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, Cycle 8 AL, CD10

Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a

Updates/questions: Not that I can think of.

Debbie downer: (Trigger Warning OPP/LC mentioned.) My friend had her baby yesterday and freakin sent me a picture. She is the only friend who knows about my loss. I had her "unfollowed" on FB to avoid seeing updates and didn't go to her baby shower because I was in a bad place emotionally and she sends me a damn picture. Thank you very much friend.

GTKY: Good question. I don't often think about my strengths. I think I'm a strong teacher. I feel like I'm good at my job. My caseload of students like when I sit down with them to help with whatever they're struggling with and I seem to be able to reach them.

[kayladawn91]

littlelion my husband has to help me off the crazy train every single cycle. I always calculate what my EDD would be and symptom spot. I can't help it.

[ellabee]

Glad you're doing better than last week littlelion! I hate when I can't control my symptom spotting. I always tell myself that I'm going to play it cool in the TWW so I'm not hit with crushing disappointment, but my mind apparently can't stop running away with itself.

How are you doing? Doing alright. A little blue when CD1 hit a few days ago.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: Nothing special today.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I somehow always end up spending time with my pregnant friend right around CD1. I love her, but it was triggery this time since she's starting to show and essentially everything we end up talking about relates back to the baby. :sigh:

GTKY: Share one of your strengths with us. What are you good at (naturally or not), it could be talent, knowledge, skill, etc. I'm super good a arts and crafts. If it's on pinterest, I can usually do a decent job of recreating it. I do upholstry, window dressing, cake decorating, sewing, photography, etc. In another life I'd like to just be Martha Stewart.

[ellabee]

Hugs kayladawn91. I'm sorry she sent you a picture. It's so tough when you think you're doing alright and then out of the blue you get hit with something like that...especially from someone that knows your situation but still lets their excitement run away with their ability to be sensitive. That's sorta where I'm at with my friend too. I was blindsided by her Christmas card this year because it had a pic of her ultrasound with "baby x expected 2016". She was the only friend I had told about my bfp and mc.

[pinkcat]

Hi Everyone. I hope it is OK if I join in here? I recently had a BFP on 10 DPO and enjoyed a wonderful week of being excited to be pregnant, but at 4 weeks 4 days I started bleeding and knew it was a CP.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, Month 10

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: Just waiting for the bleeding to end. I've read that you "may" be more fertile immediately following a CP or loss, no idea how true this is but I am just really hoping we can conceive again soon.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I am really sad, and I am struggling because I feel like I'm more upset than I "should" be for a CP. I know that so, so many women experience them and so many women have losses that are much further along and more difficult. I am feeling guilty for being so upset and I'm also feeling guilty that I wasn't happier when I was pregnant. That week I just had such a bad feeling, I was so excited but also so terrified. I felt overwhelmed, and I wish I would have enjoyed the moment more.

I'm also worried it's going to take another 9 months, and what if it's another CP? Sorry for all of the dear diary today, just wanted to get this out.

GTKY: Share one of your strengths with us. What are you good at (naturally or not), it could be talent, knowledge, skill, etc. I'm a really fast reader and can remember things very well if I see them on paper or screen.

[lovetruly2015]

How are you doing? Better now, its an up and down emotional rollercoaster in our house right now. The first of the month was terrible I woke and immediately started crying. The fact that one year is coming up smacked me in the face like a freight train.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, currently in the TWW 10dpo

Diagnosis (if applicable): none

Updates/questions: nothing really just trying not to board crazy train. I think im doing well so far. Managed to not test again this morning. Probably could have at this point but whateves.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): nothing really only that I really really REALLY don't want to go to work.

GTKY: Share one of your strengths with us. What are you good at (naturally or not), it could be talent, knowledge, skill, etc.

I've always been really good at artistic things I love to paint and draw. I dont think I'll be famous for it anytime soon but it's fun.

[requiressnacks]

littlelion - good luck with your testing!
kayladawn91 , so sorry about the picture. Always at the worst time. ALWAYS.
ellabee , I sit next to someone who is pregnant so we inevitably are always discussing baby things. It's hard.
pinkcat , I am so, so sorry that you are here. And there is no barometer for how sad you "should" be.

How are you doing? I'm OK - happy the holidays are over!

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Tracking HCG to zero

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unexplained IF

Updates/questions: Went for my final (hopefully) HCG blood draw this morning. It was 8 last week so I am hoping we are at zero. I actually did ovulate last week and we had unprotected sex so I'm sort of in the TWW.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Nothing specific today.

GTKY: Share one of your strengths with us. What are you good at (naturally or not), it could be talent, knowledge, skill, etc.

I am a good cook. I used to say that "if you can read, you can cook" but I think there is some talent there. I did a two course sit down dinner for 9 on Christmas Day that I was proud of. I even busted out our "good china" and I wish I had taken a picture of the table.

ETA: Good luck in your TWW too, lovetruly2015!!

[kayladawn91]

pinkcat I'm so sorry you're here but hope this can be a place of support for you. A loss is a loss no matter what and you have every right to be as sad as you are and to deal with this however you need to.

ellabee it's definitely hard being around pregnant friends. Hugs!

Good luck in the TWW lovetruly2015!

FX your levels are at zero requiressnacks!

[ellabee]

I'm so sorry you have to be here pinkcat. I had similar feelings with my cp. Part of me was fully in bfp-bliss land planning my maternity leave and the other part was listening to the nagging part of my gut saying I needed to google things like "wondfo not getting darker" and other similar stupid things. I finally remembered a mantra I'd come across on the boards of "today I am pregnant and love my baby, I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise". I let go that day and promised myself I'd enjoy being pregnant without fear. The next day I started bleeding. I sometimes have guilty feelings too that since I wasn't too far along, I shouldn't feel as bad. Or that because I hadn't had a prenatal visit or scan or need follow-up intervention it wasn't big a deal. I think in the end, feel what you need to feel and give yourself room to be overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. Be gentle with yourself. Your experience doesn't need to be weighed against others. All your feelings are valid and a loss is a loss. Many hugs.

[pinkcat]

Thanks so much ellabee , kayladawn91 , and requiressnacks , your words really help! I have always loved this board but the support this week has made me love it even more- thank you

requiressnacks , I hope your levels are where you want them today, and that you hear back soon!

ellabee , I can totally relate to your story about your CP- I felt very much the same way. I'd go from planning out the nursery to feeling that my "period" was going to come any second, it was definitely a roller coaster.

kayladawn91 , Sorry your friend sent you that picture I hope she can be more sensitive in the future!

Good luck with your testing littlelion !

[littlelion]

pinkcat requiressnacks I've gotten pregnant twice right after a loss. Not sure if you're in fact more fertile or what, but I can see why that belief is out there!

[akraus2015]

kayladawn91 , all the wine for you. Sorry your friend was insensitive.
pinkcat , I'm so sorry to see you here. ANY feelings that you're having right now are valid ones. You'll be on a roller coaster for awhile, and that's okay.
requiressnacks , sorry to see you here, as well.

How are you doing? Not happy to be back here, but okay other than that. I'm with Pinkcat and feeling some guilt, but mine is over not being as upset this time as I was with Emmett.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): NTNP until we get our bloodwork back. Hoping they will call today.

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions: Not much right now.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I'm trying really hard not to be sad/resentful about my newly pregnant friends. There is a group of 7 of us who all went to undergrad together. Currently one has a one-year-old, two are pregnant (one just recently--right around the time of my last loss), and one just started TTC. It makes our get-togethers hard to take sometimes.

GTKY: Share one of your strengths with us. What are you good at (naturally or not), it could be talent, knowledge, skill, etc. I'm very organized. People at work are always reaching out to me to be the list-maker, note-taker, file-organizer, etc.

[akraus2015]

Jan 5, 2016 11:40:41 GMT -5 ellabee said:

I'm so sorry you have to be here pinkcat . I had similar feelings with my cp. Part of me was fully in bfp-bliss land planning my maternity leave and the other part was listening to the nagging part of my gut saying I needed to google things like "wondfo not getting darker" and other similar stupid things. I finally remembered a mantra I'd come across on the boards of "today I am pregnant and love my baby, I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise". I let go that day and promised myself I'd enjoy being pregnant without fear. The next day I started bleeding. I sometimes have guilty feelings too that since I wasn't too far along, I shouldn't feel as bad. Or that because I hadn't had a prenatal visit or scan or need follow-up intervention it wasn't big a deal. I think in the end, feel what you need to feel and give yourself room to be overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. Be gentle with yourself. Your experience doesn't need to be weighed against others. All your feelings are valid and a loss is a loss. Many hugs.

I love this.  I repeated it many times a day, every single day during my last pregnancy.  It really helped me feel calm.

[requiressnacks]

Thanks ladies! Just got the update that HCG is at 2.5, which they are considering negative. Not sure what the plan is until I actually get my period, which is hopefully soon.

ellabee, I love those mantras. If/when I do get PG again, I will have to use them.

akraus2015, sorry you're here and I can totally sympathize about your group of friends. I have a "group" of 6 pretty close girlfriends and I am the only one without a kid. It is so hard.

[notagoddess]

How are you doing? I'm doing pretty well

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Resected uterine septum

Updates/questions: I have a lot going on, which is always a good distraction from TTC. I'm finalizing my internship placement and starting up the semester. I feel rested, energized, and ready to go, which is always nice.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): None today

GTKY: I'm highly analytical. It's useful for work and school, but sometimes it causes me to overthink the smallest decisions!

[peaseblossom55]

Jan 5, 2016 11:40:41 GMT -5 ellabee said:

I'm so sorry you have to be here pinkcat . I had similar feelings with my cp. Part of me was fully in bfp-bliss land planning my maternity leave and the other part was listening to the nagging part of my gut saying I needed to google things like "wondfo not getting darker" and other similar stupid things. I finally remembered a mantra I'd come across on the boards of "today I am pregnant and love my baby, I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise". I let go that day and promised myself I'd enjoy being pregnant without fear. The next day I started bleeding. I sometimes have guilty feelings too that since I wasn't too far along, I shouldn't feel as bad. Or that because I hadn't had a prenatal visit or scan or need follow-up intervention it wasn't big a deal. I think in the end, feel what you need to feel and give yourself room to be overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. Be gentle with yourself. Your experience doesn't need to be weighed against others. All your feelings are valid and a loss is a loss. Many hugs.

I started repeating those as well the second I saw that 2nd line, it helped calm me.

[notagoddess]

Hugs to all the ladies feeling left behind by their friend group. I'm there too. It sucks.

[peaseblossom55]

How are you doing? I am an emotional basket case right now, just awful. I just want to go home, crawl under covers and snuggle with H

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, AMA, DH- inversion of chromosome 9

Updates/questions: So I had a chemical pregnancy, confirmed BFP w/ my RE Thursday NYE, the day before Anneliese's due date. H & I felt like it was a sign from her. Monday my levels dropped it was a chemical. I had a good talk with my RE given what we know we are moving on to IVF w/ PGD. I am praying this works for us.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I am so upset over the chemical pregnancy, I didn't think I'd get pregnant again this quickly. I was probably too hopeful, but I wanted to be hopeful/excited for this baby. We thought it was a sign from Anneliese, H still believes it was a sign from her, giving us hope for this year and it did keep us from getting too upset over her due date. We were pretty upset and down New Year's Day on her due date, thinking of what should have been. My arms ache so much for a baby.
My BFF texted me a pick last week of her 20 week scan of her healthy baby, it was quite upsetting for me. While she tries to be a good friend I don't think she fully gets how upsetting this loss it. I try to be happy for her and her baby, and be a good friend. The picture of her 20 week scan just reminds me of ours for Anneliese which turned into the worst day of our lives. So thanks for the reminder BFF.
And if you read through that dear diary you deserve a medal!!! ;-)

GTKY: Share one of your strengths with us. What are you good at (naturally or not), it could be talent, knowledge, skill, etc. I can dance, ballet, pointe, tap, jazz. I started dancing when I was in diapers. :-)

[pinkcat]

Thank you akraus2015, and so sorry to see you back here.

peaseblossom55, so many hugs to you.

[peaseblossom55]

Thank you pinkcat you as well.

[daystardreams]

littlelion, FX for you!

kayladawn91, I'm sorry your friend did that. I hate when something like that happens because it's just so hard to explain it to someone who doesn't understand. My sister tells me I'm being sensitive all the time but she just doesn't get it.

pinkcat, I think your post could have been mine exactly when I had a CP. It's such a strange experience because it happens so quickly. I worried that I was too sad over just a CP but later I felt guilty that I wasn't as sad as my later losses. It's such an emotional roller coaster and I'm sorry you have to go through it but just know that it's ok to feel however you feel no matter what other people feel or think you should feel. ((Hugs))


AFM- -children mentioned- I'm right there with the group of friends thing. I don't have a single friend from high school and college that doesn't have a baby. I only still regularly talk to two of them, both have four year olds and one also has a toddler. I feel like it's easier now that their kids are getting older and neither are having more but I also feel like it's a mark of how far I'm falling behind. I made a conscious effort to befriend younger than me girls at work because I didn't click with women with children, this decision has come back to bite me however as three of my co-workers are pregnant now. I'm not making any more friends, I've decided!

How are you doing? I'm ok. I'm so tired of TTC. We have put a tentative limit on how much farther and how much longer we are willing to TTC before moving on to some other way of becoming parents that we haven't fully decided on yet. As hard as it is to let go, it is nice to sometimes focus on something other than my reproductive organs for a change.

Status: TTC Cycle #18, WTO

Diagnosis: PCOS

Updates: None right now...just waiting on some test results

Debbie Downer: -OPP mentioned- I mentioned it above but I have two co-workers due in May, they are starting to show and it sucks. I was due in March, I should be first. I really like these girls and I hate to resent them just because they are fertile but I do hold some resentment.

GTKY: I'm a good teacher, I think.

[lavinia]

I hope it is ok if I join in. I've just experienced my second chemical pregnancy (had one the cycle before this also).

How are you doing? OK

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, CD 1 of cycle 7

Diagnosis (if applicable): none

Updates/questions: My doctor's office does blood work anytime you get a BFP. Since I got a light BFP on Sunday I went in yesterday for blood work, even though my test yesterday morning was negative. Nurse called this morning and said my hcg from yesterday was 2 and progesterone was 0.9. She said I can do blood work on my coming cycle to confirm ovulation and check progesterone level. I wonder if my progesterone is low and that is causing the C/Ps. My LP is usually 11 or 12 days. Has anyone done blood work a few days after ovulation for this reason? She said I should come 7 days after getting a + on an OPK?

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I am disappointed, especially now that this is two CPs in a row, but trying to remain hopeful that I will be able to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy in the near future until there is a reason to suggest otherwise.

GTKY: I am really organized. This was a strength at my previous job, and I think it is a good life skill to have.

[requiressnacks]

I have no advice, but I am sorry to see you here, lavinia. All the hugs. Our list here is way too long.

[ellabee]

No experience with post-O bloodwork lavinia, but my LP is also very short (10-11 days), so I'm curious as to what you find out. I'm very sorry you have to be here, but welcome.

[notagoddess]

littlelion, props for feeling more sane in the TWW. Which stats classes have you taken? I've just taken two classes but I really like it. I want to take Regression Methods sometime soon. 

kayladawn91, oh that must have been hard to see. Last time I was over at a friend's, she showed me a birth announcement photo that she got from someone else because she thought it was cute. It was like a punch in the gut. I think this is something very hard to understand for people who haven't gone through it.

ellabee, sorry for CD1. I'm sure hanging out with your pregnant friend made it more sad. I would like to have your skills -- I bet your home looks really nice!

pinkcat, I'm so sorry you're here. What a tough mix of emotions. You are more than justified in feeling however you feel. The ladies on here truly understand, which is such a valuable source of support.

lovetruly2015, good job of not boarding the crazy train, and FX for when you do test. I'm so sorry this month is hard for you and your H.

requiressnacks, did they interpret that result in light of your accidental TWW? Regardless of what happens, hopefully the ovulation was a good sign that your body is healing. I also had an accidental TWW right after my MC... it came with a whole host of emotions. It was a rollercoaster and I'm sorry you're going through that.

akraus2015, hugs. I hope your friends understand your situation and are as sensitive as possible, not having baby talk take over every conversation.

peaseblossom55, IVF is a big step. I'm sorry you're in this position but I hope it goes well for you. Your friend clearly was not thinking in sending you the A/S picture.

daystardreams, that's hard with fertile friends. I've recently made an effort to make more friends in my area, and most of the other women I've befriended are single and without children. On one hand that's nice that children don't come up constantly, on the other I feel awkward sharing my difficulties because at least I have someone to try to have kids with... I'm not phrasing that correctly but when people are at different points in their lives, it can be tricky to be sensitive to that. It was a lot easier when we were younger and everyone was in the same place.

lavinia, so sorry you're going through this. Hugs to you. This is a great group of women.

[requiressnacks]

notagoddess , I didn't mention ovulation or anything. I'll just assume I'm "negative for pregnancy" until something tells me I'm not.

[lavinia]

Jan 5, 2016 15:39:51 GMT -5 requiressnacks said:

I have no advice, but I am sorry to see you here, lavinia . All the hugs. Our list here is way too long.

Thank you.  Sorry to see you here as well.

[lavinia]

Jan 5, 2016 15:53:58 GMT -5 ellabee said:

No experience with post-O bloodwork lavinia , but my LP is also very short (10-11 days), so I'm curious as to what you find out. I'm very sorry you have to be here, but welcome.

Thank you.  If I find out anything noteworthy I will try to remember to let you know.