Pros/Cons list

[penguin129]

The list looks good to me.

[penguin129]

I was looking for some lists to maybe add more to your list. This looks like a good one pros/cons only child

[cam]

Pro: Not juggling conflicting schedules (different nap schedules, activity schedules, etc)

[cam]

Con: Only have one shot of having a child to care for you in old age, so don't piss him or her off

[penguin129]

Feb 1, 2015 12:59:57 GMT -5 cam said:

Pro: Not juggling conflicting schedules (different nap schedules, activity schedules, etc)

Agreed. I saw my friend on Thursday so DD could play with her girls (twins) and their brother. Her DS went to take a nap while everyone was outside playing. She had her monitor with her. I just thought it was a lot to manage and glad it wasn't me. She does it flawlessly though.

[cam]

Pro: holiday/birthday shopping is easier because you don't have to worry about fairness (similar value, number of gifts, etc)

Also, my parents are divorced, and I am an only on one side and have siblings on the other, so I can provide child's perspective of both sides. Happy to answer any questions if you have any.

[tarheelmom]

Pro - not having to delay things that s/he is too "young" for even longer due to another (ex: trip to Hawaii waiting until DD is old enough to only need a booster)

Con - worries about spoiling only due to extra time/money/affection, and not having to split the above with another

[tonksy]

Con for me: two closer together ( 2ish years) means they often play together in the childhood years. With an only child who doesn't play well solo, I am constantly on the search for playdates so I can have a break. My friends with 2+ kids mean that by the time the youngest is 4, they entertain each other.

[sandandsea]

More cons-
Only bears full burden of your care as you age
Only child could be lonely- no built in buddy for vacations etc.
Only doesn't have a sibling for better or worse I think there is value to growing up in the same house as someone.
For me, I knew that in 30 years I'd want "the kids" to come home for holidays or to go visit them. In that situation I knew I wanted a second.

[eyenigh]

I can think of a zillion pros but if you're even feeling one of the cons that you listed, it doesn't really matter how many pros there are, does it? You can't shake emotions and feelings with a list of practicalities. You have to do what will let you sleep at night.

[sandandsea]

Feb 1, 2015 22:13:52 GMT -5 eyenigh said:

I can think of a zillion pros but if you're even feeling one of the cons that you listed, it doesn't really matter how many pros there are, does it? You can't shake emotions and feelings with a list of practicalities. You have to do what will let you sleep at night.

This is so where I was.

[BostonKisses]

Feb 1, 2015 22:13:52 GMT -5 eyenigh said:

I can think of a zillion pros but if you're even feeling one of the cons that you listed, it doesn't really matter how many pros there are, does it? You can't shake emotions and feelings with a list of practicalities. You have to do what will let you sleep at night.

Agree.  Although I do like the pros that everyone listed, and I know for me the times when the con(s) outweigh the pros cycles.

[namastebiotches]

Was only having to share your hidden treats with one kid mentioned?

[helenahhandbasket]

lildis-- seems like lately you and your H have been really struggling with this decision. If my situaton was different, I would for sure have another LO, but for me, at least right now that's not possible (money, lack of steady relationship, still married to STBXH-- haha).

I know our challenges are a little different, but if you guys can make it work, maybe it's time to consider what you can do to make it happen.

Can you move in with your folks for a bit? Can your H get at least a part time gig (now that he's switched to an easier/ less time consuming major). Can you get rid of a car? Can you get a roomamte? Can you really take a look at your budget and see if it's possible? (I have been doing this myself-- taking a really hard look at my spending-- not to have another baby right now, but just to get myself together).

If it's something you really want, and it's something your H really wants, there has to be a way to at least prepare yourselves to TTC in the coming years/ not too distant future. I am not advocating just going for it and hoping things will work out-- that's sort of what I did with Josie- I didn't really understand everything that came with child rearing from a practical standpoint until she was here and it was way too late. I am saying though that if it's something you will regret and there's something/ some things you can do now-- get on it.

Also, I would cross "too big of an age gap" off of the cons list. Yes, I get that as small children it might be a con, but we are adults far longer than we are children, so I always think this is a silly "con."

Sorry that got so long!

[TheEleventhHour]

Finances is the biggest con of a second and there really isn't a pro that can trump money in the bank IMO. As it stands we can afford another but it would be tighter. We are moving this summer and will have a much lower mortgage and our cost of living will be lower so after a year there I think we will reevaluate finances as that's my biggest road block for not having another.

Like eyenigh said, practicalities. I'd rather regret not having another for the rest of my life than have a child we couldn't afford.

[queenbabee]

Feb 2, 2015 9:20:14 GMT -5 BostonKisses said:

Feb 1, 2015 22:13:52 GMT -5 eyenigh said:

I can think of a zillion pros but if you're even feeling one of the cons that you listed, it doesn't really matter how many pros there are, does it? You can't shake emotions and feelings with a list of practicalities. You have to do what will let you sleep at night.

Agree.  Although I do like the pros that everyone listed, and I know for me the times when the con(s) outweigh the pros cycles.

This & this. 

[sandandsea]

Feb 2, 2015 9:43:58 GMT -5 lildis said:

Feb 2, 2015 9:22:20 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

I think its more we are both in the "what if" right now. (Me more so than him)

He wants to table it until he's finished school & has a job lined up. Which, makes sense but I'm just not the type who can turn my brain off about something (especially this big).

I really like the idea of oad, but I think the "what its" tend to make me romanticize what having another would be like. When I think about the realities I definitely lean more toward oad.

I guess the point of this rambling is that we are likely oad in the long run, but I'm the type that will probably always think about other outcomes. Just as if we did have another I might think about what it'd be like if we had stayed oad or if we had a 3rd. Its a never ending vicious cycle.

What if you guys agree to table the idea until school is done and you know where you've landed afterwards?  That will give you some peace about the decision and knowing more in the long run where you'll be. I'm a planner too and the tableing idea didn't seem great to me, but I knew I couldn't obsess over it for years and that I needed to spend my energy elsewhere. So, it worked to just say, let's revisit at X point in time.  For us, the conversation didn't really pick up seriously until DS turned 3 and life began to feel doable. 

I actually always wanted a larger age gap as it seems more manageable to me - only one in college, one in high school, one in diapers at a time.  I am much closer with my sister who is 9 years younger than my brother who is 2.75 years younger.  DH is very close to his brother who is 6 years older.  In our experience with a larger age gap, the kids are  less competitive with each other and more supportive of each other.   Also, both kids will get their time to be the "only" kid at home.  We will have at least a 4 year age gap, and always planned for a large gap if we did have a second.  DS just turned 3 and is life much more manageable now that he can self entertain for two minutes and he can understand and be excited about a baby (if it happens).

And, now that we are TTC #2, I totally feel like an outsider on these kinds of posts, so please ignore all of my comments if you'd like!!!!!!!!

[stellabunny]

I don't think the age gap thing between siblings should be a huge deterrent. My younger sister is 9 years younger than me and my older sister is 2 years older than me. As we've gotten older, I've gotten to know my older sister better and we've gotten closer, but I've always been closer/BFFs with my little sister.

I think the thing I worry about most with DD being an only child is what happens when DH and I die. We're both older (I'm mid-30s so not too old but DH is early 50s) so she might be relatively young when we both go. Then what? Hopefully she'll have a family of her own by then, but I can't in good conscience pressure her to get married and have kids for that reason. We live near her cousins that are close to her age though and she'll probably have more cousins in the future (that little sister thing) so hopefully they'll all grow up and be friends.

[ontherock2012]

Pro: kids don't outnumber the adults.
I know i couldn't handle 2 by myself.

[violette]

DH & I both found this book really helpful: Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think by Bryan Caplan. We both figured that if we read it and took the arguments seriously, we'd be giving the pro side fair consideration.

It didn't change our minds, but it was a light read and made me feel more certain of our choice.