TTCAL Check-In 1/12

[notagoddess]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

GTKY: Did you expect TTC to be a challenge? Or did it come as a nasty surprise?

[notagoddess]

How are you doing? I'm doing well.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Resected uterine septum

Updates/questions: I have my next steps appointment with the OB next Tuesday. I'll be 10 DPO and very much hoping for a BFP so I can avoid testing and intervention. Either way I am beyond ready to be KU.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): It's been so long since I've been pregnant that sometimes it doesn't feel like it really happened.

GTKY: For some reason, I thought I would have trouble having a baby. It seemed to good to be true to have one easily. I was shocked to find out I was pregnant on my 2nd cycle of trying. I guess I can be pretty pessimistic. I do have hope that I will have a child eventually.

[requiressnacks]

How are you doing? Ok - much better than last week

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unexplained IF

Updates/questions: I have a SHG on Friday to ensure that my ute is clear. Hope it sucks less than the HSG.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): My RE bills keep piling up and I'm not even pregnant. It's so frustrating. I pay $180 per beta. No insurance coverage is so unfair! Silver lining: my ultrasounds during pregnancy were covered by insurance.

GTKY: Did you expect TTC to be a challenge? Or did it come as a nasty surprise?

I thought everyone could get pregnant. Hell, crack whores can get pregnant. Infertility (and loss) was a nasty surprise. I also thought insurance covered treatment. That was probably the worse surprise of all.

[hydrangea1019]

Fx we both get bfps so we can cancel our obgyn appts notagoddess


How are you: I'm ok I think. I had an emotional moment over the weekend
Status: TTC, TWW
Dx: N/a
Updates: I think I'm setting myself up for failure in my brain. It just so happens that cycle 9 was when we got pregnant and it was also in Jan. So here I am, cycle 9 TTCAL in January. It's a mind game.
Debbie downer: I had a moment with DH on Saturday. We just weren't vibing. I was blaming him and he was blaming anything but me lol. Then I finally broke and told him it's probably me because I don't want to have to go to the doctor this month for help getting pregnant. I cried for a few minutes and then I was done. Guess I just needed to get that out!
GTKY: I knew it could take a bit, but I never thought it'd take this long.

[requiressnacks]

notagoddess, hydrangea1019, getting to the point where you need intervention really sucks. I've been there. The only silver lining is that the RE can help you with a plan. This gave me a lot of comfort. Either way, I hope that you don't even have to go! FX for you.

[notagoddess]

requiressnacks, good luck with the SHG. Mine felt like intense period cramps for the time they were doing it. Also, if they find something, it's not definitive. They found what looked like a polyp for me but they couldn't see it on the MRI. I'm so upset for you that you don't have IF coverage though. It's a lot of money.

hydrangea1019, I also hope you avoid having your appointment. But I do think having a plan is very helpful emotionally.

[hydrangea1019]

requiressnacks I hope the SHG goes smoothly! We are in the same boat insurance wise. That's why I'm starting at my obgyn first. Unfortunately we found out after open enrollment that the other hmo plan covers IF testing and diagnosis. Soooo we may wait until next year for the RE- I really don't want to though.

[ellabee]

How are you doing? Pretty good for right now.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: None this week.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): None this week! I've tried to put everything-TTC related out of my head for a few weeks. Things don't get interesting for me until at least CD15, so I think it's really helped me not to think and stress about anything. **OPP mentioned** I managed to see one of my pregnant friends without having a pity party for myself, so that was nice.

GTKY: Did you expect TTC to be a challenge? Or did it come as a nasty surprise? I expected it to be a lot easier. I certainly didn't expect to have a loss, even though you hear about how common it can be (despite no one really talking about it).

[ellabee]

Good luck with your appointment next Tues notagoddess. Fx you get your bfp and can cancel, or turn it into an impromptu prenatal!

I hope your SHG goes well requiressnacks. I'm so sorry about the medical bills. I get so angry when I think about what an unfair cluster fuck health insurance is.

I'm sorry you had a rough moment this weekend hydrangea1019. Sometimes you do just have to let it out. I have all my fingers crossed that you don't need your intervention appointment later this month.

[kayladawn91]

How are you doing? I've had a good week.

Status: TTC - WTO in Cycle 8 AL

Diagnosis: N/A

Updates/questions: None today.

Debbie downer: I actually don't have one this week!

GTKY: I honestly didn't know what to expect when we started trying a year and a half ago. We got pregnant on our 3rd cycle trying which was amazing. Then we lost the baby. But I wasn't expecting to be on cycle 8 AL and still not pregnant. I thought (hoped?) it would happen quickly again.

[littlelion]

How are you doing? ok

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): MTHFR and AMA

Updates/questions: I started taking progesterone at 3DPO and I think it was causing me to be overly emotional and tired. Everything was making me cry (good and bad) and I had a couple of three hour naps. It could also be pms but I started way early for it to all be period related. My last meltdown was Sunday evening.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): ***LC mentioned*** A couple of my aunts had Christmas gifts for my DS so I stopped by on Sunday to visit. My extended family is aware of my losses, I am not quiet about it. Well my 1 aunt who I haven’t seen in a while saw my son and asked me when I was going to have another so he can be a big brother. I just mumbled “we’re trying” and then she said “how about you have 3 or 4 more of these cuties”. I wasn’t mad or upset that she said this. I was more shocked, like why would you say this? Even if she didn’t know about my last ectopic pregnancy, she knows of my 4 MC and that I am 40 yrs old. I didn’t even respond just started talking to my cousin instead.

GTKY: I expected TTC to be a challenge. I was over 35 and my older sister had had issues getting pregnant (also AMA). But I did not expect to have losses. Even though it took a year after my 1st loss to get a 2nd bfp I was optimistic that everything was going to go smoothly like everyone else I knew. I never realized how wanting a family could be so painful and emotionally tiring.

[peaseblossom55]

requiressnacks SHG is nothing at all at least to me I've had 3, my 3rd was yesterday. Uncomfortable like getting a pap.

Hugs notagoddess, & hydrangea1019 I hope you can cancel your appointments

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS & DH pericentric inversion of chromosome 9

Updates/questions: Moving on to IVF, meds are being ordered and I contacted the lab for PGS. I should start meds 1/24. I feel overwhelmed by the whole process of IVF.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I can't believe we are moving on to IVF. I really hope it works but I feel so sad about it too. Two pregnancies no babies. I am so scared the PGS will tell us all of the embryos are not healthy.

GTKY: Did you expect TTC to be a challenge? Or did it come as a nasty surprise? I kind of expected something was up. I never had regular cycles in high school, in college I saw an OB who just put me on BCP and never looked into it further. I didn't expect we would go through a termination, and need to use IVF.

[littlelion]

notagoddess, GL this cycle. It does suck to need intervention but if you do, the sooner the better. 
requiressnacks, GL on Friday. And holy cow, $180 per beta? I used to get 3 draws/wk at times, that would be some serious debt. I haven't even opened my Dr bills for this year yet. I have a pile at home I really should pay before I get sent to collection.
hydrangea1019, hugs, it's good to let it all out esp to your SO. Like I said to notagoddess if intervention is what you need, then get it done. I have some (not a lot because I refuse to dwell) guilt over not going to see my RE the minute I got my first BFP this year. I waited to see my regular Obgyn at almost 9 weeks and by then it was too late.  I had really hoped that whatever had happened before wasn't going to happen again but I was wrong. 
ellabee, kayladawn91, yay for feeling good!

[notagoddess]

ellabee, a mental break can be so useful. I actually don't mind early WTO for that reason -- nothing interesting is happening and I can think about other things for a while.

kayladawn91, woohoo for a good week!

littlelion, wow that's a dumb comment. Sorry you had to hear that and it's good you ignored it. I'm sure she was just complimenting your son but geez can you get more thoughtless.

peaseblossom55, hugs. I hope IVF is as smooth and easy as it can be.

[pinkcat]

I think the love tit is very appropriate for the thread today...For those on mobile, it says "would give you hugs" So all of the LTs I handed out today were hugs to you all.

requiressnacks I hope the SHG isn't too bad. I'm sorry that none is covered by insurance, that is so frustrating

notagoddess glad you and your DH talked things out!

Hugs peaseblossom55, it sounds like things are moving quickly.I would feel overwhelmed too, but I hope you are able to get all the information you need!

kayladawn91 and ellabee Glad you had a good week!

Hugs littlelion, people can be so insensitive.

[pinkcat]

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Cycle 10, 1 after CP

Diagnosis (if applicable): NA

Updates/questions: You ladies all made me feel much better last week. I felt like I was being too upset over "just" a CP but your words really helped. I am still very sad this week as I keep counting down to what "should" be 6 weeks, 7 weeks, etc. but I am trying to be optimistic that it will happen again for us.


Debbie downer (a place to vent): I am hoping I O around a normal time for me. I keep getting a lot of CM that has me worried it's going to be very early for me (I'm only on CD 9 right now) and because of a death in the family we've had guests at our house all week. I don't think we'll get a chance for some alone time until Thursday or Friday, so it would be great if I O after that.

GTKY: Did you expect TTC to be a challenge? Or did it come as a nasty surprise? I for some reason felt that it was going to take us a long time to get pregnant. I don't know why, I think because of lurking these boards for so long before TTC and realizing that for so many people it doesn't happen right away. I also feel like I expected the CP almost- which makes me feel really guilty. I know it's irrational but I feel like if I would have been more excited or optimistic the CP wouldn't have happened, like I brought it upon myself. Again, I know it's irrational I just can't shake the feeling.

[kayladawn91]

pinkcat, hugs lady. The sadness never goes away, but hopefully you can find ways to cope. FX you don't have to wait long for your rainbow!

peaseblossom55 good luck on your IVF journey. I'm sorry you're at this point, but I hope it goes smoothly for you and is successful!

littlelion, I'm sorry your aunt's comment caught you by surprise. For some reason it seems like older women can't help themselves with the stupid comments. I ran into an older woman who's a family friend while Christmas shopping and she told me she checks my facebook page every time she's online and hopes to see a "special" announcement soon. Wtf?

I'm glad you're doing well ellabee!

Hugs hydrangea1019 and notagoddess. I hope you're both able to cancel those appointments!

I hope your SHG goes well requiressnacks! The thing that makes me the most nervous about possibly needing some type of intervention is the fact that most stuff probably won't be covered by insurance. So frustrating.

[daystardreams]

notagoddess I hope you get to avoid further invention and testing but if not I just wanted to say that I felt much better after getting some idea of what my problem is. I'm still a long way from having everything figured out but it's nice to have a start!

requiressnacks I don't have any coverage either. It makes me so mad when people complain about how expensive kids are when not having kids is costing me a ton!

hydrangea1019 I'm sorry you had an emotional moment and FX for you this cycle.

@ellabee I'm glad you are doing well this week!

littlelion I'm sorry about what your aunt said. My MIL is always saying stuff like that. She is so oblivious to how hurtful it can be. She says it like she's suggesting something we haven't thought of yet. Oh try for a baby? Good idea! We should get on that...she's very aware of the three miscarriages and DH told her about the RE appt. It's so annoying but she's a sweet person so I give her a pass usually.

pinkcat I hope O cooperates with your schedule! It's very normal to have irrational guilt. I always have with each loss. I've wondered if I'd have done or not done something if things would have been different. It's a normal part of the grieving process as long as rationally you can always say that your guilt is irrational. Does that make sense?

Status: Cycle #18 at 3 DPO (time for yucky, yucky progesterone suppositories!

Diagnosis: PCOS

Updates: Not really this time. Just trying to be hopeful!

Debbie Downer: Nothing big this week. I've actually been excited about O'ing on CD 13. We had good timing so I'm feeling good.

GTKY: Both sort of. I started trying with my fiancée of four years when I was 20. He was ten years older than me, worked two jobs, and was buying a house. I had already gotten an associates degree and he said I'd never have to work so I thought why not? We tried for a year however with no luck. TMI Alert: his semen was clear so we thought the problem was him but when I suggested he see a specialist, he put it off until finally admitting he wasn't sure he wanted kids ever. I gave it some time but we eventually broke up over it.

At the same my future husband was TTC with his fiancée. They tried for about a year also before breaking up. He found out later that she had blocked tubes and went on to conceive right away with her new husband.

So when DH and I started to TTC we both didn't think we were the cause but we were a little worried about it. When we got pregnant the first cycle, those fears evaporated! Even after we lost the first pregnancy, I really believed it was just a case of bad luck and we'd be pregnant again in no time. I was wrong of course.

[requiressnacks]

Thanks for all the info on the SHG, ellabee, and peaseblossom55!

daystardreams, that is such a crazy story about you and your H.

peaseblossom55, good luck with the IVF! It seems like it's happening so quickly!

littlelion, the holidays were so hard with all the baby talk. I'm sort of happy they are done.

pinkcat, it's so hard not to think about what could have been. I still shamelessly stalk my BMB and it makes me sad.

so glad you're having a good week - kayladawn91!

[peaseblossom55]

requiressnacks It feels like it is and isn't all at the same time. It's odd.

[kayladawn91]

Interesting story daystardreams!

[akraus2015]

notagoddess and hydrangea1019 , FX you are able to cancel your appointments!
littlelion , I am pretty open about my losses with my family as well, and I think sometimes it makes them think that I'm not sensitive about them or something. Today my mom said "I had a dream last night that I had a grandbaby. I keep pushing dad to get the spare room ready as a nursery." [[face, meet palm]].
pinkcat , I have been there with those feelings before...just know that NOTHING you did or thought or didn't think affected the outcome of your pregnancy. I don't know why these things happen, but I certainly know it isn't because we weren't excited enough or careful enough or 1000 other things that run through our heads.

How are you doing? So not good. I'm a hot mess this week. This whole diagnosis and finding an RE and waiting for information and waiting for appointments is really, really getting to me. I'm depressed all the time, and can't seem to pull myself together. I can't see my therapist until Monday either...these waiting games are making me crazy.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): I don't even know anymore.

Diagnosis (if applicable): MTHFR

Updates/questions: Does anyone know where I can go for some reliable information on MTHFR? My OBGYN told me next to nothing, and Google is a hot mess of crazy information, so it still seems like this elusive diagnosis, and I have no idea what's happening to me.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): This entire post seems to be a Debbie Downer...sorry guys.

GTKY: Did you expect TTC to be a challenge? Or did it come as a nasty surprise? It was the nastiest of surprises. From lurking TB and then here, I knew that miscarriages are common and that complications happen, but the whole time I thought, "it will never happen to me". I'm healthy, and I take good care of myself, and I love Jesus. Surely it will never happen to me. With every new hurdle I think, "surely this is as bad as it gets, surely we'll get a break soon", and it just keeps getting worse. It's hard to stay hopeful and faithful.

[mosdub]

How are you doing? Actually pretty good! Looking back on my mental state last summer I'm feeling like I'm back to my old self. Scarred for sure, but healed.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTA...maybe NTNP next month? H and I will have to have a conversation about what we both want. I'm thinking of loosey-goosey NTNP where I only kind of keep track of secondary signs and we just HIO when the mood strikes and whatever happens happens. That being said I just ordered a new BBT because I kind of like knowing when I O'ed. I also bought a 3 pack of HPTs because some crazy side of me thought maybe we accidentally got pregnant this month (which wouldn't have been the worst thing ever but we weren't trying). It was a bfn obviously.

Diagnosis (if applicable): I had a partial molar pregnancy last April. It doesn't really affect TTC but I do have a slightly higher chance for a repeat molar pregnancy (1 in a 100).

Updates/questions: D&C was April 2015. I hit negative hCG in October. My next hCG draw is in a couple weeks and if it's still negative then I will have been negative 3 months. At that point I'll probably talk to the doctor about this follow-up being complete. I figure that if any cancerous trophoblastic cells grow back I'll catch it on an hpt anyway so I don't think monthly blood draws are necessary.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Nothing to add. I got my main vent out on the WTDS thread.

GTKY: Did you expect TTC to be a challenge? Or did it come as a nasty surprise? I knew from these boards that ttc could take a while but I didn't think it would take 8 months. I knew that miscarriages were common so I mentally prepared myself for anything. I did think after the healthy 10 week U/S and 15 week doppler that I was in the clear for a healthy pregnancy. Everyone I knew had healthy babies once they reached the 12 week mark. Now I know. Next time I'll be doing all the tests.

[notagoddess]

akraus2015, hugs to you. I think the best source of information for MTHFR and how it affects your pregnancy outcomes will be an RE. I hope you can get in with a good one ASAP.

I'm so sorry you have to wait to get complete information and to understand the implications of your diagnosis. I had something similar happen when the OB performing the D&C noticed uterine abnormalities. I had to wait for my period to return to do further testing, then weeks for insurance approval for an MRI, then more weeks for an RE appointment. The whole thing took more than 3 months in which I did not know what was wrong and what it meant for my future chances of having children. That waiting period was excruciating and I'm sorry you're there

[kayladawn91]

So many hugs akraus2015. I hope you're able to get answers soon.

mosdub I hope you a and YH can come up with a good plan for what to do next month!

[mosdub]

notagoddess Also hoping you get your bfp! If not I hope your OB appointment is reassuring and gives you some next steps so you can move forward.

hydrangea1019 I hate when MH and I get in a funk too. I'm sorry you have to take these next steps but hope they prove to give you some hope and direction.

littlelion Sorry for the insensitive family comments At work recently we were talking about how the population in our town is going down and a woman told another younger woman on our staff who has 2 young kids "Better have a few more!". I was so relieved she didn't say that to me (they all know my story) but I still felt a little jaded. I thought "you don't know how hard it was for her to have those 2 kids! Maybe it was very difficult!" But I think I was being overly sensitive. The employee took it in stride and laughed along. End ramble.

peaseblossom55 I hope IVF goes as smoothly as possible and that from here on out everything just works

pinkcat I know what you mean about blaming yourself. I felt (still sometimes feel) that way too. It is irrational but that doesn't make the feeling hard to shake. People who never wanted to get pregnant or have a baby have perfectly healthy pregnancies and vice versa. You did nothing to cause your CP. It just happens and it sucks. ((hugs))

akraus2015 Did you connect with anyone else on here who has MTHFR? I feel like I saw someone else have that in their siggy (not LED, someone else). I wish I had a resource for you. When we got our diagnosis of a partial molar pregnancy I felt similarly. Everything I read online was scary and there were so many conflicting statements. I hope you can get connected with some reliable information.

[akraus2015]

Jan 12, 2016 15:04:46 GMT -5 mosdub said:

notagoddess Also hoping you get your bfp! If not I hope your OB appointment is reassuring and gives you some next steps so you can move forward.

hydrangea1019 I hate when MH and I get in a funk too. I'm sorry you have to take these next steps but hope they prove to give you some hope and direction.

littlelion Sorry for the insensitive family comments At work recently we were talking about how the population in our town is going down and a woman told another younger woman on our staff who has 2 young kids "Better have a few more!". I was so relieved she didn't say that to me (they all know my story) but I still felt a little jaded. I thought "you don't know how hard it was for her to have those 2 kids! Maybe it was very difficult!" But I think I was being overly sensitive. The employee took it in stride and laughed along. End ramble.

peaseblossom55 I hope IVF goes as smoothly as possible and that from here on out everything just works

pinkcat I know what you mean about blaming yourself. I felt (still sometimes feel) that way too. It is irrational but that doesn't make the feeling hard to shake. People who never wanted to get pregnant or have a baby have perfectly healthy pregnancies and vice versa. You did nothing to cause your CP. It just happens and it sucks. ((hugs))

akraus2015 Did you connect with anyone else on here who has MTHFR? I feel like I saw someone else have that in their siggy (not LED, someone else). I wish I had a resource for you. When we got our diagnosis of a partial molar pregnancy I felt similarly. Everything I read online was scary and there were so many conflicting statements. I hope you can get connected with some reliable information.

I spoke with LED a little bit, and I think I saw littlelion mentioned something in her post above. Its comforting to know I'm not the only one struggling with this, I just don't want to accidentally trigger or upset anyone else by asking too many questions or probing to much into others' situations.

[requiressnacks]

akraus2015, I am so sorry that you aren't getting any good information! I am someone who thrives on having all the details and knowing my options, so I can totally understand why you're a hot mess. Hang in there girl, this too shall pass. ((Hugs))

[requiressnacks]

mosdub, that's so exciting that you're doing well and able to get back into TTC/NTNP.

[vancitygirl]

notagoddess I feel your pain. I am so ready to be KU again and it's been so long that I'm also sometimes wondering if it was all in my head. 
hydrangea1019 sometimes you need to just cry it out--I do it probably once a month after I get my period and am once again unsuccessful at getting pregnant. 
littlelion I have family members that also make dumb comments--my mother included--and I feel your pain, girl. You wish you could just punch them in the mouth or yell at them about their ignorance. 
peaseblossom55 i wish you good luck with the IVF and big hugs. 
pinkcat don't let yourself wallow in guilt--all of us feel that way after a CP or MC but remember there is nothing you did and nothing you could have done to change things. TTC and human biology in general is just a mindfuck.


How are you doing?
I think I"m ok. I'm more positive than I usually am but I'm susceptible to the post-loss blues even 9 months later. 

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): nada

Updates/questions: Nada. 

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I get those "this will never happen for me" blues every now and then. Especially since this is our 12th month of TTC...and it's hard sometimes not to get pessimistic about the whole thing and give up. I am hoping that because some of the major stresses in my life are disappearing (finally have a completion date for our new house, dealt with a really awkward few months with my brother coming out to my mom even though I have known for years, just to name a few), that it might be easier to relax and be positive and optimistic. 

GTKY: Did you expect TTC to be a challenge? Or did it come as a nasty surprise?

I didn't think it was going to be a challenge because I got pregnant in the first cycle when we first started TTC. Then we had our mc at 3 months and it's been another 9 months since then...like kayladawn91 and daystardreams, I really did not think it would take this long and it's so frustrating--I mean what's different now than last year?