Lets Play a Game: 'Back to the Future' Style

[redandblue]

I was noticing that our board seems to have peeks and valleys of activity, as well as some new members. I thought it might be fun to play another GTKY type game. I was thinking if you could go back to chat with yourself prior to beginning the adoption/fostering journey, what would you tell yourself? Perhaps consider these 3 questions:

1. What has surprised you the most about your journey so far?

2. What should you spend your time worrying about, and what should you not worry as much about?

3. What has happened the way you would expect it to?  What has happened not how you expected? 

 

[redandblue]

1. What has surprised you the most about your journey so far?
I am surprised by our match in general, having been matched with a newborn was completely unexpected. I would tell myself to completely allow myself to be open to all possibilities!

2. What should you spend your time worrying about, and what should you not worry as much about?
I would tell myself, that however it is important, to not stress as much about the home inspection checklist! I kinda laugh now thinking about how concerned I was about getting EVERYTHING perfect for it, and in the end it didn't seem to really matter.

I would say it was important to continue to stay involved in educating ourselves and preparing for all possibilities regarding adoption. We attended whatever courses/classes we could as they came up.

3. What has happened the way you would expect it to? What has happened not how you expected?

I think I expected the approval process to happen the way I would have hoped it to happen (even though it was definitely quicker than I realistically expected it to happen).

I am some what surprised by our situation with respect to DS2's birth family and how limited our involvement is with his birth mom, but having siblings, that we have gained a whole other 'side' of our family, including this bio-siblings extended family! Really feels like the modern family!

[lizblue]

Thanks for starting this redandblue!

My answers are specific to my journey with IF and open adoption.

1. What has surprised you the most about your journey so far?
How much I've enjoyed it, honestly. After a grueling three years of IF treatments, I was hesitant to start another long, invasive process. Instead, the process made me think, made me love, made me learn in ways that I didn't anticipate.

2. What should you spend your time worrying about, and what should you not worry as much about?
Nobody should really worry about the home visit part of the home study, from what I can tell. Everybody will, but your home is not being judged, it's just being checked out to make sure you are living in a safe environment. I would recommend that everyone really learn/study/open themselves up to education about raising adopted children, what open adoption means and how to forge a relationship with birthparents. I've seen and read about a lot of people using agencies who just don't give a shit about a lot of this and they operate as a means to "get a baby."

3. What has happened the way you would expect it to? What has happened not how you expected?
I expected that we would have a shorter wait time than average for our agency because we were open to any race. I did NOT think that wait time would be three weeks. We had zero baby things. It turns out babies need a lot of things. More advice from me -- if you are mentally up to it, get a few things ahead of time.

(edited to add another unexpected emotion- when TPR was finalized, it actually made me sad. It's a necessary step in our journey and our attorney sent us a "congratulations" email, but it made me sad for DD who technically has no legal parents while we wait for finalization and for her birthparents who did the hardest thing i can think of. It didn't feel celebratory even though it was one milestone closer to becoming DD's parents.)

[nobb14]

love this!

1. What has surprised you the most about your journey so far? how different my perspective is now that our son is here. when MH and I began the process, we were very specifically interested in DIA only, and only for our first child. now that we've experienced the wild ride, the adrenaline has left us interested in foster to adopt in the future, regardless of whether or not i am able to conceive a rainbow down the road.


2. What should you spend your time worrying about, and what should you not worry as much about? worry about being brutally honest about your comfort zone in terms of open adoption; it's easy to say you're open or closed to xyz without thinking too hard about it--- but dig deep and have the uncomfortable conversations to find out what is truly right for your family. don't worry about the homestudy- if you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to be afraid of.

3. What has happened the way you would expect it to? What has happened not how you expected? i guess i figured we would be matched fairly quickly, because we were very open in terms of race, gender, and our willingness to travel to see BM. we ended up being live with our agency for two months before meeting our BM. i didn't expect to end up feeling so protective of our BM. our relationship immediately after DS's birth got a bit rocky (as chronicled in this forum!), but now that we've all had time to adjust and get more comfortable with each other, i look at her as a daughter/sister/friend hybrid. i wish our relationship was enough to build her up & get out of her living situation, but i am glad that we can be there for her from afar.

[redandblue]

lizblue, I felt similar with actually enjoying the process. I think our journey through infertility was riddled with stress. Once we began the adoption process it felt right and I think in the long run the sometimes grueling and invasive process taught DH and I so much about ourselves. I actually feel fortunate for having to step back and look at our relationship, who we are as a couple and who we are as parents. I almost recommend that every couple do that every once and a while. Helps to take stock in your successes and look at where you might want to expand or change. What a surprising emotion to feel once TPR happened. I can completely understand the thought of not wanting it to be celebratory. All adoptions come with loss, and it is difficult to take joy in knowing that someone else is hurting at the same time.

nobb14, That is wonderful to hear that you and your DS's bm is on a good path. All relationships will take time, and it would be completely understandable that with the heightened emotions around this process, that it will not always be smooth sailing. I do recall seeing some of the challenges you posted and often wonder how it is going for you. What a wonderful way you look at her now. I understand about wanting to somehow support her in making positive changes in her life. Our son's bm is not in a place where she is feeling comfortable having a relationship with us. I want to make sure that she always knows that the door is open and that we care about her and want nothing but the best for her. It breaks my heart when our SW's talk about her having low self-esteem and feeling embarrassed by some of her life choices, that she may not feel she has the 'right' to ask for things. She absolutely has the right to have a relationship with our son, and to know everything about him.