How do I Ignore it?

[dreemkin]

I've been struggling here and I really need some suggestions or at least some support. My husband and I disagree on having one more child. I feel like two isn't enough. I've always thought, coming from a family of three kids, it'd be nice to have three. He comes from a family of four but firmly wants two. There's unfortunately no compromise on this. I can understand his reasons (we'd be more comfortable financially, logistics of when preschool/school drop offs begin (my parents watch the girls but three might be a lot for them), van, ect.) but to me there are always doable solutions to those things when they come up. And nothing compares to being a mother of another little person; I'd give up sacrifice anything.

All that sad, we probably won't be having another because he really only wants 2. Then how do I get over this? Every time I watch them play I imagine one more and when I put away baby clothes I get sad, and let's not even mention seeing a pregnant woman. Plus family and coworkers keep saying I need one more and I feel my heart breaking a little more each time. Help!

[mishka29]

I'm sorta in the same boat. DH is firm on 2. Unlike you, I don't know where I'm at. What I don't like is that the decision is out of my hands and really I don't get a say at all. I get that the person saying no kinda has a leg up in the discussion but it's frustrating bc there is no discussion, it's just no.

And it's not like should we have pizza or burgers for dinner where there is a compromise to be had. Its an all or nothing sorta debate with no room for compromise. Or maybe that's just the way I'm seeing it right now.

Every week DH brings up getting a vasectomy. And I just shut the conversation down. I want it to be a decision we make together not one that's forced on me. Maybe that's not practical. But maybe it's what's needed to avoid future resentment.

If he's not going to budge and you just need to come to terms then I think the first step would be making sure he knows how you feel. Not in an effort to convince him to change his mind but so that you feel heard and he can understand where you are at in your mind when you think about the number of kids.

[dreemkin]

Yes mishka29 about it not being a compromisable thing. It's hard to be in disagreement. But we have talked about it. Multiple times. He definitely knows where I stand and how it makes me feel. I don't want to push him into anything he doesn't want but I feel like maybe I want it more than he doesn't, if that makes any sense. DH also wants a vasectomy I'm not ready to "give up" on it just yet though. Ugh.

[seamonster]

I don't have any advice other than I would shut down family and coworkers when they're pushing you to have a third because it's between you and your H and they aren't providing you with all the things you'd need to make 3 work. I don't know why people think it's their business.

You're right that there is no compromise on it. But it is painful to have your partner disagree with you on having another kid. I'm firmly for two kids and there have been times that H has said he rather just have DS. And when he does that it pains me because I want a second and if I visualise DS older, he has a younger sibling; plus DS isn't going to grow up with cousins close in age.

I would focus on the positives of two and delay any permanent birth control.

[aggiebug]

Omg so many hugs I have no advice just empathy. H and I agreed on 2.5 kids (him 2 me 3) when we got married. The topic came up the other night and the reality that I am on the losing side of the discussion. I cried and I couldn't articulate that in some ways I will always mourning the missing part of my family. At the same time I feel so selfish having those feelings like it's not fair to my child or to much husband. This is such a back and white choice and I think that makes it so much more difficult in many ways.

[lilyelayne]

Hugs. This is so hard.

DH and I disagree on numbers too, which wasn't the case before DS. I too am already feeling heartbroken that I won't have the number of children that my brain/heart/etc dream of when I watch DS play and grow and learn. (Much love and hugs and tears for anyone who has this problem because of IF, which must be infinitely worse.)

It's true that the person who wants fewer kids has the stronger position. Maybe you and your H could agree to hold off on permanent birth control and table any further talks for a finite period of time (3 months? 6 months?) giving you both time to consider a future as a family of 4 or 5.

I agree with seamonster on focusing on the positives of a family of four. Maybe you can write out scenarios that are great for four people - travel, roller coasters, finding a table at restaurants, the price of cars/college/weddings/whatever else you hope to financially help your children with.

I do think it's okay to be sad at the thought of the child(ren) you won't have, even if you're voluntarily not having them.

[kartish]

Hugs dreemkin, I am sorry you are struggling. My husband and I have the two or three argument also. I have no advice, other than to maybe talk to your husband and see if you two can agree to hold off on vasectomy talk until you LO is older. It's hard when you feel like you don't have a say in the matter, and I worry about what happens when DH and I get to that point. Hugs.

[taberbtb]

Hugs to you dreemkin . I have no set number on how many kids I want, but I know with only one and another on the way I'm not ready to commit to more or to being done yet. DH is firm on only having two kids and is already wanting to schedule his vasectomy. Our second child isn't even born yet!! I am afraid to make such a permanent decision right now, but I don't know how long I can hold him off. It also makes me sad that the decision may not be mine to make if that's what he really wants to do.

[dreemkin]

Thanks everyone. We had another good talk about this tonight and there are a lot of factors we can both agree on. So maybe I'll take your advice and just start focusing on the positives of a family of 4 (I am so grateful I have my happy, healthy girls). I'll see if that helps me "get over it" any quicker. Maybe I never will completely, but at least hopefully I can come to terms with it. And I won't let him snip snip for a bit yet until we know for sure we are done.

[kerrigrooves]

that's a tough one. My DH already had a vasectomy a few months ago and I cried. We are both from a family of 4 so we always thought 2 kids was our number. Now LO is turning one, Im starting to get sad again. Then I think about the sleepness nights and how this is such a special stage of life but they all are. There's so much more to come. We can put all of our energy into these two beings. PLus, we dont have the space nor financials to make is as comfortable as it is now.

For me, I look forward to my girlfriends who are having babies in the near future, Ill get my baby fix thru them