Advice for my girlfriend with TTC struggles

[ourcrazynavylife]

Hi ladies,

I didn't know which thread to put this so I made a new thread.
When we moved to the west coast in August I found out my girlfriend had been TTC for over a year and had already had 1 MC.

Since being out here with her they've stopped trying because she volunteered for a deployment next month.

Her DH had two SAs done. One was the "low end" of normal and the other was "normal".

She's been trying to get lab work done & She just had her ultrasound? (Not sure of the specific test name) yesterday and she said one of her Fallopian tubes is blocked.
At this point her OB said to call when she gets back and they'll get her an appt at the fertility clinic.

I've just tried to be really positive for her. But I don't know what to say (or not to say). I'm also really afraid because we will be TFAS while she's gone.

That was a lot of babbling. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for. Advice on How to support her through this?

[emilie]

Just ask her how things are going and listen to her when she needs to talk. And say you're sorry for what she's dealing with. Take her out for drinks or coffee or dinner. Don't talk about your kids or your friends' kids or TTC too much unless she wants to. The friends who do those simple things for me are the ones whose support I value.

Don't give unsolicited advice or talk about fertility treatments or adoption like they are easy options or an easy fix. Don't tell her that she will be pregnant soon. She might not be. Just be her friend, in the moment, and try to do some fun things together that focus on the here and now and not future plans.

[♪♫choppinbroccoli♫♪]

I don't know how close you are with her, but checking in with her every so often would be nice. You don't have to be specific.

Ask her how she is doing.

Tell her you are here to listen if she ever wants to chat or vent.

Suggest the forum if she wants to ask any non-dr. advice.

[ourcrazynavylife]

emilie and ♪♫choppinbroccoli♫♪
Thank you! We were roommates in college and co-own an etsy shop together. I'd consider ourselves close.
I'm going to keep all these things in mind for sure.

[akraus2015]

Every person is different, and handles the struggle differently, but if it were my friend asking, this is the advice I would want someone to give to her:

Don't look at her like you feel sorry for her, or like you pity her.

Let her talk about her struggles if she wants to. Let her talk about her loss if she wants to. If she brings it up, don't be afraid to engage in the conversation. (In my personal situation/opinion, I love to talk about my child just as much as other moms love to brag on their living children.)

Don't give her any advice about when/how she should try again. That's a very personal decision, and no one else's business but hers and her husband's.

Don't talk about TFAS unless she brings it up, but if she does, talk to her like you would any other friend. She's obviously asking for a reason.

Most of all, just continue to be her friend. She's still the same person, and likely wants to be treated the same way you have (presumably) always treated her, with love and kindness.

[butlerfan]

Don't pity her/feel sorry for her.

Don't suggest adopting unless she talks about it first (i.e. I'm sorry you are having problems TTC why don't you just adopt...just no)

Listen to her if she wants to vent. Don't offer solutions just listen.

Check in with her and see how she is doing. Do not need to talk about the issues but just to talk girl to girl

Don't talk about your kids or TFAS

Just be her friend

Those are the top of my head suggestions. If she wasn't going to be deployed-go out for lunch/coffee, shopping etc

[kleigh]

Such great advice here already. I agree everyone is different and I think time only continues to make things more different, easier and harder. What hits a sensitive place with her today may be ok tomorrow etc. just continue to support her through that.

Continue to support her but maybe hold off suggesting anything related to when she should try, how she should try, what she should do - unless that is to encourage her to work with her fertility specialist.

Consider having personal conversations with her before any big news is announced or invites sent out.

Help her try to get her mind off it but let her vent if she naturally "goes there" and help her to remember that she's more than this - she's beautiful and strong and worthy of all the love in the world.

[kleigh]

I could not agree more with pp. Do not pity her or treat her like she's different, don't avoid her or the discomfort of the situation, be genuine with her but don't feel bad for her. We feel it, and it hurts the most.

[samanthasays]

Everyone has given such great advice.

The worst for me is people telling me what I should try. My parents told me to try going paleo because gluten could be causing my unexplained IF. I know they meant to be helpful, but stuff like that is literally the worst thing you can say to someone struggling. Or jokes about having more sex, couples struggling with IF can have a ton of pressure associated with sex. We can be jealous of fertiles and their fun fucks when we are giving ourselves shots in the ass then having timed intercourse.

If you do get KU you might want to send her an email and let her know. That way she can process privately. I had crazy jealousy around 18 months of IF (6 months after loss) hearing about pregnancies in person were torture.

The fact that you are asking for advice shows that you are thoughtful and kind, I am sure you are an amazing friend

[ourcrazynavylife]

Thank you so much for all of the great advice and wise words ladies. They're much appreciated.

[daisy818]

I've only told two people about my IF issues, and both of them have been great bc they've let me talk when I want, haven't asked details about my medical things, and basically just said "That sucks and is unfair." One of them had years of IF before she had a baby through IVF; the other just had her second kid after probably 4 months of TTC total. So it's definitely possible to be TFAS (or even pregnant) and be a supportive friend.

[NariaDreaming]

Jan 22, 2016 21:19:29 GMT -5 W said:

Invite her here. Honestly.

I'm going to ditto this. Honestly the women of 3T are the only reason I haven't lost my mind at this point. And they're the reason I know so much about treatments- they have helped me advocate for my own care

[joy]

If I'm being totally honest, overly positive friends was one of the worst things I had to deal with. I wanted to just explain and be realistic, but sometimes when my friends heard that, they felt like they had to pick me up by saying "No, it will happen!!! It'll be great!!" And, that talk fest that was about realism suddenly became about me "seeing the light" and smiling and saying "You know what? You're right!"

UGH. NO.

Let her talk. Let her say what she wants to say. Ask questions about what she says. If she's negative, let her be. If she's positive, let her be. But let her lead. And don't make her feel something that she doesn't.

And yes - tell her to come here!!!!

[Rama]

Jan 23, 2016 9:51:35 GMT -5 joy said:

If I'm being totally honest, overly positive friends was one of the worst things I had to deal with. I wanted to just explain and be realistic, but sometimes when my friends heard that, they felt like they had to pick me up by saying "No, it will happen!!! It'll be great!!" And, that talk fest that was about realism suddenly became about me "seeing the light" and smiling and saying "You know what? You're right!"

UGH. NO.

Let her talk. Let her say what she wants to say. Ask questions about what she says. If she's negative, let her be. If she's positive, let her be. But let her lead. And don't make her feel something that she doesn't.

And yes - tell her to come here!!!!

Allllll of this. The most obnoxious things people say to me are, "Don't give up!", "You'll be a mom someday!", "It'll happen for you," etc.

Okay, but maybe it won't. Maybe I want to be here, now, in my present situation, without you trying to fix it or cheer me up or basically ignore how sucky things are for me right now.

I love questions. I love talking about what I'm going through. Not everyone is. If you think she's okay with you asking about it, ask about it. Let her know you're thinking of her, let her know you wish her the best, give her a word or phrase to "tap out" of a conversation when she doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

Just be a friend.

Disclaimer: The yous are general yous, not specifically you.

[aprilz81]

Everyone deals with infertility differently, some people are okay talking about it and some people aren't and the longer the struggle with IF the more those feelings can change.

I've had my official PCOS diagnosis for almost a year now and I'm pretty open with my family and the few friends who know the situation. I also get support (prayers and emotional support) from my small group at church. I am okay with people asking me how I'm doing, but not everyone else is.

The most important thing is to listen and let her feel her feelings no matter what they are. Since you are so close you may even want to ask her if she would prefer you ask her how she is doing or let her bring it up first. That might ease up the pressure of not knowing if she wants to talk about it or not.

And ditto pp about inviting her to join in here. I've been participating on the 3T/IVF boards since July and I have learned so much about treatment options, side effects and what to expect.

[teachermomtobe]

+1 to everything everyone has already said. I know these points are repeats but to me, they are worth repeating. And also, everyone is different but for me this is what I appreciate.

*Just ask her how she's doing/what's up. I always appreciated that because depending on how I felt and if I wanted to talk about it, sometimes I gave a "I'm good" response and sometimes I unloaded it all but I never felt I had to tell my friends everything when they asked that way.

*If you know when she's testing or has a big appt (IUI, HSG, etc) a simple "Thinking of you" text can go a long way.

*Listen. Act more like a therapist in the fact that you ask questions like "How does that make you feel?" instead of giving advice.

*Don't tell her "it will happen" because it may not.

*Remind her that she is strong even when she doesn't feel that way

*If you do get pregnant again before she does, understand she may have a very hard time being around you or expressing happiness for you. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. IF is a bitch and can bring out some intense thoughts/feelings. She may not react this way but she may.