TTMA: Your BFFs Dating Losers

[belle0720]

I've never had a talk with anyone about disliking their SO, I just don't think it would be perceived well.

My sister just married a guy that none of my family likes. He says the stupidest shit all of the time and makes the most ridiculous racist remarks. My mom and I don't hesitate to call him out and he ends up arguing with my mom all of the time. He's also extremely cheap and it drove us crazy how my sister would pay for stuff for him all of the time when they were just dating. He's stopped attending a lot of our family gatherings (he didn't come to Tahoe this weekend, yay!) I don't know how it hasn't been a deal breaker for my sister because we're a super tightknit family. Overall we just don't understand what she seems in him. She's very sweet and hardworking and he's just immature and lazy. But hey, I don't have to live with him, so I just do my best to tolerate him when he's around.

[dmoney]

Feb 16, 2016 12:13:22 GMT -5 @kej0004 said:

My best friend is dating this guy who basically sucks. They've been together (on and off) for over a year. He's much older (which is not really the problem I have with him, but for the sake of full disclosure, he is 45 and she is 25) and still very emotionally immature--for example, they "break up" fairly often and get back together the next day or a couple of days later, he's always jealous, he refuses to hang out with her friends, etc. When they started dating, he said he never wanted to get married again (he was married previously, but over 10 years ago) and that he didn't want kids. My friend DOES want to get married and have kids. Now he is "undecided" about it, so I guess he has sort of improved in that department.

We still make an effort to invite her/them to do stuff with us, but they usually decline. She will come solo sometimes (if he is busy doing something else).

So my question is: at what point do you think it is acceptable to confront your friends about their SOs? Has anyone ever had a come to Jesus meeting with a friend that actually worked out well? 

My policy is usually never (or only if they ask and I've been drinking), but I just hate to see her wasting time with this guy who is just... terrible.

I have had to do this.. It sucks but it needed to be done.  My best friend had been dating this guy for 3 years and at first he was great but then he started treating her like 100% shit.  Eventually all of us (there are 6 girls all together) sat down and talked to her about him. She gave him a time line to clean his act up or to move out.  Well fast forward 6 months, and it is two days before Christmas and i got a phone call. Myself, My friend, and another friend of hers, packed his shit up, moved it to my living room (I love 1 mile from her) and told him he had 24 hours to get his shit out of my house or I was donating it.  She wasn't happy at the time, but later came back and thanked us for helping her.  Its never an easy conversation to have, but sometimes it has to be done.  I'm sure if you do sit down with her she will ultimately know that you are coming from a place of love and caring.  Even if she doesn't think it at the time. 

[jillywilly]

I'm sorry. Friends dating losers is a shitty situation, and I don't think there's ever really an awesome outcome. I've lost a really good friend over her dating a terrible guy (who she's now married to) - I never confronted her about it, she just pulled further and further away from our group of friends as her relationship progressed.
I'm also not a fan in the least of my sister's husband - I'm also a firm believer that he's a huge reason why my sister has distanced herself somewhat from the rest of the family, and that she would have wound up happier had she taken a different course, but at least he has always treated her well. He's very spoiled and immature, and without getting too deep in a long and messy story, I just don't think he's what she needs. But as belle0720 said, not my life, so we just do our best to be as nice to him as possible when he's around.
In your situation, it sounds like your friend's relationship may be less healthy, based on the continuous break-up/make-up cycle. I think maybe next time you sense a rough patch in their relationship, invite her out for drinks or some kind of girls night, and just ask her if she's ok, if things are ok with SO, and just that you've been concerned about her lately. If she wants to talk, she'll open up and you can go further into your feelings about him. If she doesn't, change the subject and shut up about it - or you're probably going to lose the friend, unfortunately.

[Widget123]

One of my childhood best friends is currently engaged to a guy that I did not like from the beginning. There are a few similarities in that he is much older and divorced. My biggest reservations with him were that I did not see him as financially stable and it was obvious to me that he wasn't being completely honest with her about his past. It didn't completely ruin our friendship but we are definitely less close now than we were a few years ago, for various reasons. She dated a string of losers that were even worse before him, so at least he is somewhat of an improvement.

So I guess I think you could clear your conscience by telling her your reservations about him, but this is quite possibly one of those situations in which she needs to learn from her own mistakes.

[veggiemo]

Sounds just like my BFF. Older guy, controlling, doesn't want to spend time with her friends, etc. They've now been married about 7 years and I've pretty much just learned to live with it (and so has she). The one thing I can tell you is that if you confront her or express your dislike for him, she'll quit telling you things because she knows you're judging. So if you don't want to be shut out of the relationship happenings, don't say anything. Honestly, I couldn't ever hide it, I was very clear with my feelings from the beginning which caused some tension but now it's just this unspoken thing and we don't bring it up. I know she's not happy with him and I feel bad for that, but I also just feel like I did what I could and the rest was up to her.

[billyhorrible]

I don't think there's ever a way to do this and maintain a friendship. Because even if they know/realize you're right, there's that sens of embarrassment that everyone could see it but her.

I had a friend who was dating a loser. Such a loser that every one of her friends told her and she basically defriended them. I got to stay in the inner circle because I lived across the country, and didn't really know the guy, so I couldn't bag on him. But I did say something about the fact that she might want to think about the fact so many others didn't like him. He was/is a controlling asshole and they're now married with 2 kids, and she has no friends from before grad school.

I have another friend who was with a guy who wasn't so terrible, but had huge commitment issues. Like they were together for 7 years and he just couldn't tell her if he saw them together in the future. They broke up. My friend is amazingly awesome, probably the best catch a guy could get. And I told her so. And that she deserved someone better. I didn't so much tear him apart as point out how amazing she was. Even with that small conversation, that she took well, our relationship changed. She started dating him again, and didn't even tell me. And I think it's because I basically told her she was too good for him.

[holliberry28]

I've lost 2 friends because of this. Even trying to come from a good place, they just resented me. And, they always got back together with the guy anyway. I wouldn't say anything, but that's just based on my personal experience.

[baytosa2013]

Ugh this situation sucks. I've had it go both ways. I lost a friend when I was younger because a good friend dated a total asshat and she knew I didn't care for him, even though I never had a CTJ talk with her. They got engaged and I basically stopped hearing from her and that was that.

I have another friend that was dating the type that NO ONE liked him, no one understood the attraction and he was just a freaking jerk. She kept complaining about him, breaking up, getting back together. Finally my CTJ talk with her was to say I don't like him, he's not good for you and he's not a good person but I understand that you aren't ready to let him go. I'm here for you but I can't keep hearing you go on and on about him and you don't make a change so if we are going to stay friends then we need to NOT talk about him.  That worked until she FINALLY dumped his ass...after he knocked her up and cheated on her.

I also have a friend that regularly dates losers. She will go radio silent for a bit and I know she's not doing well in the relationship. At first it hurt my feelings that she was keeping things from me but then she told me that the reason she waits is because she usually knows what's happening is wrong and that I'll tell her the truth and she will have to face it so she waits till she's ready to hear it.

All that to say that if she's not asking your opinion, then I wouldn't give it unless you are ok losing the relationship. Sometimes people just choose the harder route and have to learn the harder way.

[tatersalad]

Late to this but I've been there with one of my BFF's. They have been together for almost 20 years now and married for 10. Whenever shit hits the fan our group of friends has to help her pick up the pieces and I'm usually the first one she comes running to. I live the closest to them and had the misfortune of setting them up in high school. Barely knew him, he was just friends with my loser ex boyfriend at the time. We've learned it's better not to say anything. She asks our opinions and we give them when the chips are down, but it can be awkward when she forgives him and wants to include him in group activities again. It's so hard to see outside a passionate relationship when you are in one. Luckily my friend's husband seems to be improving since his last rock bottom hit. I can't in good conscience share the shit he's pulled but it would make your head spin. Gives good argument that love is blind.