Post by toratoratori on Feb 3, 2015 18:24:28 GMT -5
If your SO works, what do they do for a living? Are they the breadwinner or are you?
My husband prides himself on making more money than me (BARELY), but I've been encouraging him to look for new jobs that are more "white collar" (read: sustainable into his 40s and 50s). He currently works as a service technician for a company that maintains gas stations, and I'm constantly worried that his body is going to give out, he's not going to be able to do his job, and he will have no other marketable skills with which to get another job.
I love my career, but I work in public higher education, and the pay isn't the best. We want more kids, and would also like to upgrade to a home in a nicer neighborhood at some point, and I'm just not sure how we're going to do that on our current salaries.
I feel pressured to be the breadwinner because I'm the only one with upward mobility, and I hate it.
How do you guys handle this in your relationships?
DH and I make about the same salary, but he gets stock options which then causes his income to blow mine out of the water. He's a software engineer and I'm a CPA in public accounting. We both do well financially, but combine all household income/expenses anyway, so it doesn't really matter to us who brings in more. We set goals together and are both just doing our part to help us reach our joint goals (a second child and a better house/nationally ranked schools). At the end of the day, you have to enjoy what you're doing and the income has to be worth the sacrifices you make to have that income.
For the first 6-7 years of our relationship, I was far and away the breadwinner. I always felt ridiculously cool because of the fact. About a year before we got pregnant, DH switched jobs and we switched roles. He's since been promoted and had 3 different raises, putting him about 150% of my current salary, which is ridiculously cool, since it's way more money.
I make a shitload more money than DH. Like 3x what he makes in a down year (my pay includes healthy bonuses that can fluctuate) and 4-5x in a good year. But we kind of planned it that way. We got married a month out of undergrad, and I went to law school. He got a graduate degree in history with an emphasis in education. Which btw he doesn't use. He's a civilian program manager for the Army.
For the most part, I don't think about it. Before I got this job, when I worked for the federal government and we struggled financially, it weighed on me. It's a big responsibility to be the person in charge of making sure the family can afford to eat. Now, it's only an issue on days when I hate my job and feel kind of stuck. It's really a golden handcuff situation.
As far as how we handle it in our relationship, a rising tide lifts all boats. So if one of us gets a big bonus or a raise, we all benefit. We view the money as "ours" and I am quick to recognize and point out that DH is very supportive of my career and was my biggest cheerleader when I was in law school. Like, he brought me coffee in bed most mornings and woke me by saying, "It's time for my Tinikins to wake up and go kick ass!" and he left notes for me before exams that said, "You are Arliss FUCKING Michaels!" from a really funny episode of an HBO show. My success is his success too.
As far as how we handle it in our relationship, a rising tide lifts all boats. So if one of us gets a big bonus or a raise, we all benefit. We view the money as "ours" and I am quick to recognize and point out that DH is very supportive of my career and was my biggest cheerleader when I was in law school. Like, he brought me coffee in bed most mornings and woke me by saying, "It's time for my Tinikins to wake up and go kick ass!" and he left notes for me before exams that said, "You are Arliss FUCKING Michaels!" from a really funny episode of an HBO show. My success is his success too.
Maybe this is where my anxiety comes from. I had to sit my hubs down a few weeks ago and explain to him that, contrary to what he thinks, a trained chimp CANNOT do my job, and even though he thinks I just sit around on Facebook all day, I actually have a really challenging career that I love. Maybe I'm just lacking the value and support I need from him in order to feel comfortable in my role as the one whose career is going to support our family over the next two decades. It's hard to be saddled with that expectation and then not have anything to back it up.
I was breadwinner and it was tough sometimes because he made the budget and I was like "but I work hard for my money!...I'm going shopping" lol. I recently went to part time (4hrs/day M-F)and now we make exact same amount.
Thank goodness though. Its cut our budget significantly, but making the same amount of money now makes me feel better for some reason. Maybe it's that I don't feel resentful about not having control so much. Not sure why really actually lol. You have given me something to ponder here.
My DH makes more than I do, but not by much. While DH makes more now, he is constantly worried he is going to lose his job with no real marketable skills. I am a lawyer and have a very stable career path with transferable skills, so I sometimes feel pressure as the one with the "real" career. We've saved accordingly, though, and I'm sure he'll be able to find something if he happens to lose his job. We would also be able to survive on my salary alone, so while there might be more pressure, I'm ok with it. He's always been super supportive of my career as a result, which has helped.
I am the breadwinner by a little over $20,000 a year. I am a teacher, and my husband works for the state. It's a sore subject for him because he feels he should provide more. I'm not really sure how we "handle" it other than just accepting it is what it is. We like the life/ work balance he has, so we have to trade off with the pay for now.
I make more, but it doesn't come up in conversation much except at tax time. I pay all of the childcare costs and I think he often thinks I should have a lot of money left over each month from my pay checks and I don't. He doesn't really have a good idea of how much everything for child care of 2 kids costs. He pays some bills and I pay others.
I expect that I will earn at least 2x what DH makes in any given year - and perhaps even more as my career advances. I prefer being the breadwinner. I'm more fiscally conservative, I'm in charge of the money, and I like the security that comes with knowing I will always be able to provide for myself or my family, regardless of DH's earnings. FWIW, DH has never seemed bothered by the fact that I make more, he's proud of my career, and we are on the same page with our financial goals, so that helps tremendously.
I make about double DH's salary. Doesn't bother me except for the random "golden handcuff" moments that PP mentioned. It's no shock either since DH is a teacher. He jokes that I'm his "rich wife" and that he married well, etc. There's no issue of him feeling inadequate since he would be a SaHD in a perfect world.
I make more than my SO, but we both make crappy wages! We both left extremely well paying jobs in 2011/2012; in my case because the travel was so heavy and I didn't want to do that anymore, what with starting a family. He worked in construction and your body just gives out after a while (we are both almost 40). So now he works at a sensory deprivation tank center part time, is a SAHD part time, and also does handyman work at my daughter's daycare in exchange for reduced or free tuition. I basically hate my job, so I do get resentful at times, but in the end I am just glad that one of us can be a stay at home parent.
I am the breadwinner and have been for several years now. I also carry all our benefits. DH and I are both physicians but he left clinical practice a few years ago and has been doing a combination of non-clinical jobs (which pay much less), writing, and trying to start a small business. It doesn't bother me to be the breadwinner though sometimes I do feel extra pressure like when I was working part time for a while after LO was born (which of course affected my salary). I don't think I am cut out to be a SAHM and most of the time I love my job but I can't cut my hours back much without significantly affecting our bottom line as a family and that sucks sometimes.
I knew when I married DH that he will probably never surpass me in regards to earning potential. Currently, he makes about 50% of what I do.
This has never really bothered me though because he has a tremendous work ethic, and baring some serious disability/injury will always be working and helping to carry a good portion of the financial load.
Sure do I wish he made as much as I do so that we could do more, and have more? I guess so, but I'm not sure we would really be any happier than we are now?
The only real regret I have about our current situation is that we can't afford to have me take off as much time as I would really like (6 months) for maternity leave.
I think DH sometimes feels like his lower salary limits us, and he sometimes feels guilty about that but the reality is I wouldn't be able to do my job well and have this family and have our house run if DH had the same job as I do. It just wouldn't work.
Post by supertrooper1 on Feb 3, 2015 22:34:54 GMT -5
I make almost twice as much as DH. He's a teacher and I'm in law enforcement. I work a lot of mandatory overtime which bumps my salary higher. I could never be a SAHM, so it doesn't bother me that I earn more. And I don't feel pressure to earn more either because we live comfortably on our salaries. It doesn't bother DH because the more I make, the more we can save or pay for extras. He would love to be a SAHD, but we got into a house that we couldn't afford just on my salary, and we'd have to cut back on the extras that we've become accustomed to. It seems like no matter how much you make, you wish you made just a little more to be able to afford a little bit nicer house or go on a fancier vacation.
We basically make the same (I think I'm slightly more). Dh works in business and I'm in healthcare.
We don't really have issues with it, maybe since we both have jobs with advancement options in the future. It wouldn't bother me who made more because I really love my career and would work regardless.
DH has usually always made more than me, especially since I went to PT after DS was born. I recently got a significant pay raise which really changed our finances and I now take home way more than DH (mostly because of medical insurance and FSAs). DH had trouble with it at first because he always felt like he should be the one to hustle to make more money and that I should only work as many hours as I want to have a good home/work balance. I think he finally saw how important my career was to me and is 100% supportive.
Money is important but it's not everything. Is your DH HAPPY at what he does? If he is, that's important too.
I'm the breadwinner now. But DH used to be an attorney. He was definitely the breadwinner. But he hated it - HATED it (the job, not the $$). And basically crashed and burned. After he left that field, he worked as a tutor and barely made 10K the first year (and this is when I got PG and had DS!). He realized he loved the water and wanted to work on the water. Long story short, and 6 years later, he is now a captain of a tugboat and LOVES his job. LOVES.
And he makes less than me (although this year he's alot closer).
Is there more we could do financially if he were still an attorney? Absolutely, and yes, I miss the $$. BUT I simply can't stress how important liking what you do is!
You do have some valid concerns about his job, but at the same time - I assume he's in his 30s?? You say it like he's in his 50s and already on a downhill slope! He may have many, many, many years ahead of him. And exactly how taxing is being a service technician that you're "constantly worried" that his body is going to 'give out'? I'm asking genuinely. There just seems to be some added drama here.
But- my point - you have concerns and they can't be discounted. But I don't know that forcing your DH into a white collar job where he makes more than you in order JUST to make more $$ is really the answer here either.
I make a little more than double what DH makes. It's no big deal from my perspective. His job provides our medical (cheaper through his work), mine provides vision and dental. All our money goes into one pot with each of us getting an equal monthly allowance. He's always been very supportive of my work and he's currently going to grad school and getting his Master's degree and hopes to get a job he likes better. I don't feel too much pressure because my job is pretty stable and has a decent track.
I am the breadwinner and make 3x as much as DH. He is also the spender and I am the saver. On the flipside, I have student loans and he doesn't. I guess it evens out in the wash, but we do struggle sometimes with the dynamics of it. I wish we both made the same for the ease of it -- ideally, my salary! Sigh
Post by dashofreality on Feb 4, 2015 9:27:54 GMT -5
I currently make less than DH because I am PT and I have stepped back in my career since having kids. It is likely that at some point I will make more than DH. To me that does not qualify as 'breadwinner'. Breadwinner to me is essentially sole support for the family. That I would struggle with mentally because it would be extremely stressful for me. I like safety nets. I do not believe that me making more than DH would be an issue in our family, he is very supportive and jokes about his sugar-mama.
My mom wound up being the breadwinner in our family. My dad was never very successful, got injured, and just didn't ever really make it back into the workforce. That has been a huge struggle for my mom, but it has more to do with my dad's personality. No kids at home, he doesn't work, and he doesn't clean much, does cook though. The I'm going to sit around and let you take care of me mentality is obviously extremely unhealthy.
I think as long as both partners are making an effort and contributing it shouldn't be a big deal. I will say though that my DH is retiring from the military and wished that he had padded some of his 'white collar credentials' more. Office jobs are way more cushy and easy on your body.
We've switched multiple times in our careers. When we starting living together (10+ years ago) he worked and I finished my BS. Then I worked and he was unemployed for a year increasing his qualifications. Then we both worked for a while. Then he worked while I got my PhD for 5 years where my stipend was only about 20% of his salary. Then I worked and he was unemployed for a year since we had to move for my job. Now thankfully we have both been working for 4 years and I make about 50% more than he does. I'm fine with that since in my field I will always have a job. Not necessarily at this salary but enough to provide for a family. But I also feel good that if something happened to me he can provide for the kids. So I do think it's important to talk about what would happen if one parent was to pass or become disabled. Would one salary be enough? If not investing in a higher life insurance is a choice. As is of course increasing qualifications and changing employment, which is often a tough process.
Can your husband go back to school? My husband got his bachelors in psychology and conflict resolution and has never used it. He started night school at the Community College and is just a few classes away from an AA in Electrical Engineering. They also offer tons of certifications and related training in some of those technical fields. Even though he hasn't finished his degree, he currently has a job in his field making twice my salary.
I always try to be aware of the pressure he feels to support our family. He had to take a break from school because he switched jobs and I had the baby. We just had a conversation about him starting back this fall. It's going to be hard on me, especially since we are thinking about TTC again this summer, but at the end of the day it's going to be hard on him too. I need to be as supportive as possible because he is doing this to make things better for all of us.
I think sometimes you also need to think about work/life balance. I teach so I have lots of time off(not all summer though, I work special ed). I will be off for all school holidays, snow days, etc. to be home with our son. I also have good flexibility that allows me to be the one to leave work or call out when necessary. I could get a job making slightly more money but is it worth it when you trade off those other things? For us it is not. We have debated it to death in the past when money was tighter and have always decided I should stay where I am.
I currently make less than DH because I am PT and I have stepped back in my career since having kids. It is likely that at some point I will make more than DH. To me that does not qualify as 'breadwinner'. Breadwinner to me is essentially sole support for the family. That I would struggle with mentally because it would be extremely stressful for me. I like safety nets. I do not believe that me making more than DH would be an issue in our family, he is very supportive and jokes about his sugar-mama.
My mom wound up being the breadwinner in our family. My dad was never very successful, got injured, and just didn't ever really make it back into the workforce. That has been a huge struggle for my mom, but it has more to do with my dad's personality. No kids at home, he doesn't work, and he doesn't clean much, does cook though. The I'm going to sit around and let you take care of me mentality is obviously extremely unhealthy.
I think as long as both partners are making an effort and contributing it shouldn't be a big deal. I will say though that my DH is retiring from the military and wished that he had padded some of his 'white collar credentials' more. Office jobs are way more cushy and easy on your body.
I think the bolded is a really excellent point. While I'm not the breadwinner I do contribute significantly to the family finances. The overall picture, whether it be actual take-home pay or benefits, is what really matters. Knowing that from me working we are in a secure financial position and able to live the lifestyle that we want means more to me than the actual salary each of us makes.
Post by clarkebar1013 on Feb 4, 2015 10:51:06 GMT -5
I make more than DH I think. But we have an odd situation, we just recently bought in to our own company and he soley works there. So he works an assload and makes a decent salary, but he gets a nice chunk in bonus at the end of the year based on profits. So I guess some times he will make more than I depending on the bonus. I also have $80K in student loan debt and he doesn't have any. Luckily we are both fortunate to have good jobs. I'm hoping to keep climbing the corporate ladder. So far, so good.
While H was in the army, I made double him. It always bothered him. Once we combined finances and it was ours, he finally got it in his head it didn't matter who brought what home as long as we were getting ahead.
He got out of the army. He could probably make more money as a mechanic (what he did in the army) but his body is already wearing out. He used the gi bill for getting his CDLs and is a truck driver. He loves it and increased his pay so he's just below me. He has a jeep he works on to get his mechanic fix.
I felt more weight on my shoulders when I made double. Sometimes I wish I could go PT but it would mess up health insurance etc. I don't say that to him because he'd work himself to death to make it happen.
I make a pretty good salary, but DH makes more than twice as much as I do. When we were engaged (and living together), I made slightly more than he did, and then for the first three years of our marriage he was a FT student while I worked FT.
We combined finances when we got married, so neither of us really thinks about it. I'm the one who manages our budget. We've always had the mindset of having joint goals/priorities for our family to go along with joint finances.
The only time it comes up is when something falls through with childcare, in which case I am almost always the one who has to flex and have it impact my job. The caveat is that I travel for work every few months, in which case DH is 100% responsible for DS. Similarly, I never stay late at work because I have to do daycare pickup, whereas I need to be prepared for DH to work late on any given night (usually 2-3x/week). It's not "fair," but it doesn't usually cause any resentment because it's a decision we came to together and it's worth it for us because of DH's salary. He's in a new job, so we're going to re-evaluate in 2-3 years to make sure it still works for our family, and if not, he'll pursue a less intense job.
Like a PP said though, DH is very supportive of my career and often refers to me as a "professional badass." If he didn't take my job seriously, it would be much more difficult to make the sacrifices that I do for his career.
I make more. The amount varies because I can pick up available shifts and I work PRN. I'm a nurse and also project manage at a research institute affiliated w/a university. I recently went to wages at the university (I can accept assignments based on my availability and they pay me hourly rather than salary). The subject of who makes more never is in play. When I bring home large checks, it makes my husband push a bill over to me, look at things he can buy, or talk about how he is going to become mr. mom. He is in law enforcement. He has the opportunity to work off-duty for extra money but decided about 6-7 years ago he didn't want to do that. It doesn't bother me at all, whatever makes him happy.
Money is important but it's not everything. Is your DH HAPPY at what he does? If he is, that's important too.
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You do have some valid concerns about his job, but at the same time - I assume he's in his 30s?? You say it like he's in his 50s and already on a downhill slope! He may have many, many, many years ahead of him. And exactly how taxing is being a service technician that you're "constantly worried" that his body is going to 'give out'? I'm asking genuinely. There just seems to be some added drama here.
But- my point - you have concerns and they can't be discounted. But I don't know that forcing your DH into a white collar job where he makes more than you in order JUST to make more $$ is really the answer here either.
I ask him if he likes his job all the time, and the response I get is, "It's fine." But he's frustrated that there's no upward mobility for him in the field. He apparently had a talk with his boss about it yesterday, and he basically told him, "It's a problem for us, because we're losing our techs, but we don't know how to fix it."
He's in his mid 30s, and his job actually is pretty physically taxing. He's regularly lifting 75+ lbs. and has complained in recent months about his elbow, back, and neck hurting. I mean in fairness, I'm probably more worried than I need to be - plenty of people work physical jobs well into their 50s and 60s. But my worry is that if something DOES happen, and he CAN'T do his job, where does that leave us financially if he has no other job skills to speak of?
I've talked to him about going back to school, or even just taking some classes to get experience in areas where he has interest, but doesn't have any hard skills (ie. technology, coding), but he always brushes me off. It's just super frustrating considering how hard I've worked to job hunt when he's needed me to (once when his unemployment forced us to move, and once when a transfer forced us to move).
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