Why all the mommy shaming?

[gahorseygal]

I wrote a blog post about my journey the past few months dealing with depression and anxiety during pregnancy. It's been really hard to admit that I've been struggling and that I need help. Since the beginning of my pregnancy I've wondered if I should be on medication but kept pushing that thought aside. Well I finally admitted I needed help and it was very tough. I took a day to stay at home (which DD ended up having an ear infection so I had a legit excuse) and really process all the feelings I had which of course involved a lot of crying. I wrote the blog post as a way to help me put my feelings down, take a step towards healing, and maybe help any one else struggling.

Well I got a lot of support, though mostly from people that aren't super close to me (besides family). The friends that I thought would be there the past few months still haven't reached out, confirming my worst fears that they didn't really like me or care about me the way I cared about them. I've reached out and offered them support even though I haven't received the same. Hoping that maybe they are going through something I don't understand but at least they will see I'm here for them.

Yesterday I friend asked for advice on FB - her baby is going through a 4 month sleep regression. I offered suggestions, asking if she did drowsy but awake, maybe he's teething, etc. but also added patience to the list. Today she comments that she was really upset- referenced my blog post and said that as a mom suffering from depression and anxiety she can't believe I would offer "patience" as advice and that it came off as rude. I was really taken aback and ended up having to run out of the office because I couldn't keep the tears from coming. 

I made a short response that I did not mean it to be rude and I'm sorry it came across that way. I just don't understand where the defensiveness came from, and if she was really a friend she would have never said anything about my blog post or depression/anxiety. She said it was the same thing as her commenting on my blog saying "get over it".

I'm just really hurt and just wondering why she jumped to this conclusion, that my intention was rude. Shouldn't we be looking at another mother as trying to help? Offering support because we've been there too? Why is it that when someone is pregnant and excited about a new baby others are so quick to jump in and say "just wait until you haven't slept in days" or some other negative comment? 

I just needed to get these thoughts down somewhere. Writing really does help me sort my feelings out. 

[mimsy]

Unfriend that B.

[vk]

I am sorry that you have some ... shitty? people in your life who are kicking you when you are feeling down.

In regards to what you wrote on fb - I think you were giving genuine advice and duh, patience is something we all need more of. Some people are looking for a quick fix and obviously patience is not that. It sounds like your "friend" just was looking for someone/something to bitch at and she locked her target on you.

When it comes to the comments as "just wait until you haven't slept in days" some people just lay it all out there with their point of view. I don't look at it as being overly negative. Just that is how they looked at some of their experience and that is what they are giving out. I don't want people to look at motherhood through rose colored glasses. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows. But that is what some people want to hear. I don't want to set someone up for failure or disappointment when something doesn't go "perfectly" so I lay it all out there.

But again, I am sorry you are hurting and that person did not appreciate what you were saying to her. Send her here... we can tell her what's up

[amadine23]

I think telling her to have a little patience was great advice, especially for a sleep regression. With babies, a lot of these things are simply outside of our control, but they pass with time. Sometimes there's not much to do besides have patience!

[puffandstuff]

I don't consider any of this mom shaming.

I think you responded the way you felt would be the most helpful and it was a pretty good answer. I have no experience with depression or anxiety, but it sounds like she thought because you dealt with it too that you would understand that "patience" isn't a good answer.

Have you thought about why all of your friends aren't being supportive? I find in weird that ALL your friends are avoiding you.

[asundevil80]

Wow, I'm so sorry about all of this. It's really brave of you to admit your feelings of depression and anxiety and to not receive support from your friends is super shitty.

And I agree with you about patience. It's a huge factor to me in parenting and something that can always be improved upon. Sometimes babies just struggle with sleep -- it's a fact of life. There isn't always some magic cure.

I hope you can find some new friends IRL who support you and your needs. And know that this board is here for you.

[bobloblaw]

I'm not sure this is mommy shaming but it is never a good feeling to be on bad terms with a friend.

I'm so sorry. Patience is not bad advice. It's just hard to have patience, depressed or not, when dealing with a bad sleeper. It just probably hit her wrong. I would give her time to cool off. She might come around if she is really a friend.

[ice61313]

Mar 8, 2016 11:20:22 GMT -5 bobloblaw said:

I'm not sure this is mommy shaming but it is never a good feeling to be on bad terms with a friend.

I'm so sorry. Patience is not bad advice. It's just hard to have patience, depressed or not, when dealing with a bad sleeper. It just probably hit her wrong. I would give her time to cool off. She might come around if she is really a friend.

This. It's so hard to hear "patience" when you're at your wits end. It probably was the straw that broke the camel's back. Try not to think about it too much-easier said than done, i know.

[aaemommy]

Mar 8, 2016 11:20:22 GMT -5 bobloblaw said:

I'm not sure this is mommy shaming but it is never a good feeling to be on bad terms with a friend.

I'm so sorry. Patience is not bad advice. It's just hard to have patience, depressed or not, when dealing with a bad sleeper. It just probably hit her wrong. I would give her time to cool off. She might come around if she is really a friend.

+1. I won't add anything else because I can't word today.

[gahorseygal]

Mar 8, 2016 10:50:50 GMT -5 puffandstuff said:

I don't consider any of this mom shaming.

I think you responded the way you felt would be the most helpful and it was a pretty good answer. I have no experience with depression or anxiety, but it sounds like she thought because you dealt with it too that you would understand that "patience" isn't a good answer.

Have you thought about why all of your friends aren't being supportive? I find in weird that ALL your friends are avoiding you.

No idea. I've reached out here and there to try and hang out but either am ignored or get a vague response. I honestly haven't seen many of them in person in months and the last time I saw a few of them in person we all had a great time. It was right after that though I started my job, moved into our house that was under construction, and found out I was pregnant. At first I was trying to meet up with some friends to tell them the news since I wanted to do it in person and that's when I started to get ignored or vague responses. Oh I did see most of them for a Friendsgiving, which was fun but didn't talk much to them and it wasn't really a place to bring up any deeper conversation. I reached out to each of them after christmas but again got vague responses when asked to hang out. It's all just been really weird. And happening in a time when I'm very sensitive to what others think of me and feel like no one really cares about me. It's just fueled the depression.  

It just feels like I'm getting silently shut out (we are all friends connected in some way but it's not like we were a tight knit group or anything) so I just need to take a hint and leave them be. 

[puffandstuff]

Mar 8, 2016 11:58:53 GMT -5 gahorseygal said:

Mar 8, 2016 10:50:50 GMT -5 puffandstuff said:

I don't consider any of this mom shaming.

I think you responded the way you felt would be the most helpful and it was a pretty good answer. I have no experience with depression or anxiety, but it sounds like she thought because you dealt with it too that you would understand that "patience" isn't a good answer.

Have you thought about why all of your friends aren't being supportive? I find in weird that ALL your friends are avoiding you.

No idea. I've reached out here and there to try and hang out but either am ignored or get a vague response. I honestly haven't seen many of them in person in months and the last time I saw a few of them in person we all had a great time. It was right after that though I started my job, moved into our house that was under construction, and found out I was pregnant. At first I was trying to meet up with some friends to tell them the news since I wanted to do it in person and that's when I started to get ignored or vague responses. Oh I did see most of them for a Friendsgiving, which was fun but didn't talk much to them and it wasn't really a place to bring up any deeper conversation. I reached out to each of them after christmas but again got vague responses when asked to hang out. It's all just been really weird. And happening in a time when I'm very sensitive to what others think of me and feel like no one really cares about me. It's just fueled the depression.  

It just feels like I'm getting silently shut out (we are all friends connected in some way but it's not like we were a tight knit group or anything) so I just need to take a hint and leave them be. 

That's so frustrating. Someone needs to tell you what happened.

[Deleted]

I agree that this is not mommy shaming. I just think that in the midst of being sleep deprived it just hit her wrong and she lashed out.

Ironically I think that is actually the best advice. It took until the past month or two for DS to reliably sleep though the night, and even last night he woke once. So your advice was great

[weeklyplanner]

FWIW, I don't think "patience" was horrible advice and I don't think you deserved that response at all. I always tell new mom friends that most things are "just a phase" and for them to "wait it out," so I agree with you.

I'm so sorry you're struggling with anxiety and depression, especially while pregnant. If I understood the post correctly, I think you've started medication. I hope you're feeling better soon.

Is it possible your friends are distancing themselves because you first distanced yourself due to being depressed? Or maybe they hate your DH or something? I'm just grasping at straws. It does seem like there is something going on that they didn't tell you about. Maybe you could just directly ask one of them?

[starrynight14]

Mar 8, 2016 10:04:47 GMT -5 gahorseygal said:

Yesterday I friend asked for advice on FB - her baby is going through a 4 month sleep regression. I offered suggestions, asking if she did drowsy but awake, maybe he's teething, etc. but also added patience to the list. Today she comments that she was really upset- referenced my blog post and said that as a mom suffering from depression and anxiety she can't believe I would offer "patience" as advice and that it came off as rude. I was really taken aback and ended up having to run out of the office because I couldn't keep the tears from coming. 

I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years. And I don't think this is fair at all. 

Gosh, that seems like a crappy response from a "friend" you were trying to help. 

[ice61313]

Also, I want to give you hugs. I, too, feel the same way with my "friends." For me, I just call it growing up and growing apart. They might also feel like they don't want to bother you. I'm just living day to day and not trying to dwell on it.

[mimsy]

Mar 8, 2016 12:40:30 GMT -5 starrynight14 said:

Mar 8, 2016 10:04:47 GMT -5 gahorseygal said:

Yesterday I friend asked for advice on FB - her baby is going through a 4 month sleep regression. I offered suggestions, asking if she did drowsy but awake, maybe he's teething, etc. but also added patience to the list. Today she comments that she was really upset- referenced my blog post and said that as a mom suffering from depression and anxiety she can't believe I would offer "patience" as advice and that it came off as rude. I was really taken aback and ended up having to run out of the office because I couldn't keep the tears from coming. 

I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years. And I don't think this is fair at all. 

Gosh, that seems like a crappy response from a "friend" you were trying to help. 

This is why I suggested unfriending.
You do not need a friend who is going to attack you and your struggles with mental health all because she didn't like your answer.
I realize I'm the minority, but Homie don't play that game.

[gahorseygal]

Mar 8, 2016 13:28:40 GMT -5 mimsy said:

Mar 8, 2016 12:40:30 GMT -5 starrynight14 said:

I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years. And I don't think this is fair at all. 

Gosh, that seems like a crappy response from a "friend" you were trying to help. 

This is why I suggested unfriending.
You do not need a friend who is going to attack you and your struggles with mental health all because she didn't like your answer.
I realize I'm the minority, but Homie don't play that game.

I unfollowed for now. That's what really upsets me is that she took a stab at my struggles. I can understand her getting upset by the comment to have patience when you are sleep deprived. But to go and attack me? That hurt. 

[lucylou]

Wth?? This lady must be super sleep deprived because she sounds a bit insane. No, commenting on your blog to "get over" your depression and anxiety wouldn't be in the same ballpark as you adding patience to a list of other sound advice you're giving her. That she asked for. And you've been through it. Damn. This makes me twitch.
As for the other stuff, I think there's a difference between mom shaming and just a general un-supportiveness. They both suck, but in different ways.

I honestly don't know what's going on with your friends right now, but I can imagine it's a horrible feeling to feel shut out and not even know why. You would think feeling left out isn't something that happens after high school but I've been realizing more and more that it is. Some people never grow up and it sucks for the rest of us that have to deal with those kinds of attitudes.
My best advice is to dig deep and be honest with yourself if there is something you have done or could be doing to contribute to the underlying problem. If your answer is no, then you can choose to be the bigger person and move on knowing it's their problem and not yours. You don't need that kind of negativity. Put that energy into finding new people who are going to treat you like a true friend.

[lucilleaustero]

Okay, couple of things.

First, very proud of you for taking steps to deal with anxiety/ depression. BTDT and it took my husband making an appointment for me and calling my mother to tell her when and where the appointment was, for me to do something about it.

Second, there is very little that is as sensitive as a FTM. Truly. Sometimes, hoenstly helpful advice is taken as a commentary on someone else's parenting. Even when a facebook post is asking for advice.Her interpretation may have been that you were implying that she is not a patient mother, rather than 'have patience, this too shall pass'. FTMs are fiercely protective and a lot are very rigid.

It seems like it is time to find a new crew. But, ask what happened. There could be a truth you do not want to hear, but could grow from. Or, you may find out that you have just grown apart from your friends.

[gahorseygal]

Unfortunately I think it's just situation's like these is what the issue is. I have had people tell me in the past that they initially thought I was stuck up/bitchy, but once they got to know me they liked me. I don't think I'm better than anyone, and I have a lot of insecurities. I'm very shy and have a hard time opening up to people. One thing I have tried to do is step outside of my comfort zone and have more confidence and be more outgoing/friendly. And I think it just comes out wrong. There have definitely been a few times lately that I have had someone misunderstand me - where I think I'm being a good friend and supportive and the other person doesn't take it that way at all.

So it sucks. Because I've been trying to be a better person - a better friend - and in turn it seems to be having the opposite effect.

[hoosiermama76]

This sucks so much. I'm sorry. I would reach out and ask what is causing people to keep their distance from you, knowing that whatever they say is not a reason for that bitchy response on her part. If they don't tell you, they aren't worth it. If they do, and you could grow from it, listen.

You should never feel like you are responsible for them doing this, however, that is just immature. My bet is she is having some sort of knee jerk reaction to Internet tone from sleep deprivation, and that's it.

[gratefulgirl]

As an FTM of a bad sleeper who initially did not respond to sleep training, I was probably clinically depressed and very angry when DD1 was 4.5-5 mo. Her sleep in the regression was just getting worse from a terrible start. I am sure I was awful to people in my desperate haze. So while your "friend" was in the wrong, without knowing how bad she has it I do have some sympathy for her.

But she was still wrong. And your advice was right. And it stinks you got caught in her frustration that probably isn't about you.

I can sympathize a lot with coming off the wrong way. I am that way too and it is hard. You seem like a great friend and I hope you get some answers and find a good group, old or new, soon.

[Deleted]

Meh, she sounds wound a little tight. I would just let it go. Maybe she's just projecting.

[gahorseygal]

So H sent her a message because he was really upset with what she said to me. He just told her he was surprised that she would personally attack me when I was clearly just trying to give her advice. She responded that she "doesn't do drama" so she confronted me instead of talking about it behind my back or holding a grudge. Whatever - I hate when people say they don't do drama because usually they are causing drama!

I was just going to let it go but here's what is still bothering me this morning - she said she wanted me to know how hurtful the comment was to her so she used something that I would understand. Um - in what way is telling someone to get over a mental illness the same as someone saying to have patience when dealing with a sleep regression???

PS - she said in her original post that her kid was a great 7-9 hour sleeper up until now.

[shevacc]

I'm sorry gahorseygal. You've been through a lot of changes lately, enough to throw anyone's rhythm off. Add depression into the mix and it's a whole different ball game. You're doing a great job -- keep your head up and keep focusing on you.

That your "friend" is overly sensitive right now doesn't surprise me, but that doesn't give her an excuse to kick you while you're down. I'm going to guess that she prides herself on how she's winning at motherhood since her child was a perfect sleeper. We here all know how babies grow and change, and most of all like to prove us moms wrong. But humility hasn't yet set in for some FTMs if they haven't hit any big unexpected roadblocks (especially if BFing is going well and they managed a vaginal birth) and the 4 month sleep regression is a big eye opener. So she's probably now realizing that she's not a perfect parent and so much better than all those other parents.

BUT lashing out with kicks below the belt is never ok. You're doing well to ignore her antics/drama/lashing out. She's basically throwing a tantrum and she's no longer a toddler. Since her words ARE hurtful, I would avoid her until she apologizes, which unfortunately might be never.

[puffandstuff]

Mar 9, 2016 8:39:12 GMT -5 gahorseygal said:

So H sent her a message because he was really upset with what she said to me. He just told her he was surprised that she would personally attack me when I was clearly just trying to give her advice. She responded that she "doesn't do drama" so she confronted me instead of talking about it behind my back or holding a grudge. Whatever - I hate when people say they don't do drama because usually they are causing drama!

I was just going to let it go but here's what is still bothering me this morning - she said she wanted me to know how hurtful the comment was to her so she used something that I would understand. Um - in what way is telling someone to get over a mental illness the same as someone saying to have patience when dealing with a sleep regression???

PS - she said in her original post that her kid was a great 7-9 hour sleeper up until now.

It's time to let it go. 

[Courtniko]

I am sorry you are dealing with all this. Depression is so hard. I am glad you are taking steps to work on it though.

This girl was definitely trying to hurt you, and she is definitely all about drama. I don't know if she exploded on you because she thought you were an easy target or what, but no matter the reason, she is not worth having a friendship with.

I'm sorry, I hope I am not coming off as harsh, but friends should not treat you like that. Maybe it is time to find some new friends.

Hugs. And I really am saying this in a caring way, even if it does not come off like that.

[ice61313]

Agree with puffandstuff... She's not worth your time, at least not right now.