TTC check in March 14

[JustJudy]

Hi all. We skipped last week, so let's catch up! Where are you at in the journey this week? We're here for support, questions, and celebrating successes.

QOTW: Anything fun planned this week?

[JustJudy]

Well, I'm on CD48 of this neverending cycle. I finally did convince my RE to do an ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday and that ginormous cyst on my left ovary is still hanging out (though smaller) fucking with my hormones. So I have to wait two cycles before she will let me start meds. I'm hoping the end of April then?

At this point I'm trying to chill out about it, I can't change anything. Apparently, we're going to be a couple that has to try for years before we get pregnant.

QOTW: I would love to get a hike in if the weather will cooperate! If not then definitely a visit to the art museum which has been on our list for too long.

[rikkiandjulie]

DWs cycle was a bust this time. She is pretty upset about it. We had two days of LIGHT LIGHT spotting which is very unusual for her, so we were kinda remaining hopeful. Then this morning it was full blown, so that sucked.

I have surgery to remove my polyps on 3/25. It's a clinic procedure so I will be sedated with an IV. I'll be kinda awake, kinda not. I'm DREADING it. I'm sooo nervous.

We are scheduling an HSG for DW to see if their is a blockage in her tubes preventing pregnancy, or if it's just bad luck on our part. May will mark 1 year of TTC and I am extremely distraught over it, hell I am pissed off actually.

Oh and to make it worse my nephew is due any day now, and rather than being happy for them, I'm just bitter because we started TTC together, not on purpose, it just happened that way. I try to remind myself that they can screw like rabbits all month and I get one chance to make sure it's perfect.

I feel like if we aren't pregnant by July that we should throw in the towel and realize that we will never have children, but then I think to myself if I quit I really will NEVER have children. I am just so sick of being bitter, angry, and sad. I hate it. I hate not having a pregnancy or a baby yet. I am in a terrible place right now. I never thought I'd be spiteful to every pregnant woman I saw but I am. I am so angry with the world. Apparently at 27, it's going to take us years too. It's just incredibly unfair. If I could cry anymore about it I would.

This week I am hoping to plant some flowers to spruce up the yard, and get the carpets cleaned. The dogs destroy them.

[lv2016]

V will ovulate later this week, and we'll be going in for Unmedicated IUI Attempt #3.

She got her period on the morning she was supposed to take a home test last time. That was the last of two vials of donor sperm, and so when we were going to purchase two more vials through the clinic, there were none left at the site (free of shipping costs). So, we could either select a new donor or purchase additional vials directly through the cryobank and pay the shipping. Ultimately, we decided to stay with our same donor (although these costs are adding up...).

While we're still relatively new to this process, V is very in tune with her body and thinks that she may be ovulating later than is indicated by the predictor kit. Obviously, we have to nail that precise window of opportunity to hopefully make this work. V called the clinic today and spoke with the nurse about possibly scheduling the procedure a day later than the previous two cycles OR scheduling two back-to-back inseminations. The nurse recommended against such adjustments and suggests we continue as we have been. That is kind of frustrating.

I wish I could mimic JustJudy's attitude of acceptance (especially after having tried for so long!), but I am growing more frustrated (like I suspect rikkiandjulie is) - yet, I don't feel entitled to feel so bad about things already, since we "just started" trying. But, my mind takes me to dark places that I know are silly. I know this is ridiculous, but I sometimes think that the staff at the clinic are purposely failing us, because until we get the desired result, we keep coming back, and that is more money for them. I know it's improbable, but when we keep going back, and the staff don't acknowledge that we're not happy to return or the nurse (according to my wife) doesn't seem to be listening to V's concerns about the timing of the IUI, it doesn't feel good.

Anyhow...sorry for the rant. That's just what is on my mind with TTC as of late. I am not feeling as hopeful as I have the last two months. Maybe we'll get some St. Patrick's Day luck this week..?

QOTW: Nothing too exciting this week - having an Irish potluck luncheon at work this week and a family birthday party coming up this weekend.

[lv2016]

rikkiandjulie, I am sorry you're so down right now. I'm not going to tell you I know how you feel, because my wife and I haven't been trying for as long as you have. I just wish you weren't going through all of this crap.

[karlamo]

rikkiandjulie, I hope you don't mind me butting in. I don't read the TTC thread but I did today and I want to reach out and let you know I've been there. My wife went through 12 IUI's and 4 IVF cycles before we got pregnant. Somewhere around cycle 9 I became numb to it all. Everything you're feeling now, I felt then. I became this person I didn't recognize. I stop going on FB, I cried so hard when i found out my SIL was pregnant, I felt dead inside. It was the longest and hardest 2 years of my life thus far. My wife and I are forever changed by our struggle. The worst part of trying to have a baby is you just don't know how it'll end. I kept saying to her, if I just knew it would happen then I could remain calm. As it was the only thing that kept us going was we had hope. Towards cycle 15, it became the smallest speck of hope you've ever seen but it was still there.

An outlet I used to get let my fears, hope, anger out was Pintrest. I made a secret baby board where I pinned inspirational quotes. To this day I can't read those pins without being flooded with the emotions of that time in my life. I wish I could tell you how it's going to end for you. All I can say is keep checking in with your wife every month and make sure you're both on the same page. When you've been TTC this long it takes a toll on your marriage.

[rikkiandjulie]

Mar 14, 2016 20:47:30 GMT -5 karlamo said:

rikkiandjulie, I hope you don't mind me butting in. I don't read the TTC thread but I did today and I want to reach out and let you know I've been there. My wife went through 12 IUI's and 4 IVF cycles before we got pregnant. Somewhere around cycle 9 I became numb to it all. Everything you're feeling now, I felt then. I became this person I didn't recognize. I stop going on FB, I cried so hard when i found out my SIL was pregnant, I felt dead inside. It was the longest and hardest 2 years of my life thus far. My wife and I are forever changed by our struggle. The worst part of trying to have a baby is you just don't know how it'll end. I kept saying to her, if I just knew it would happen then I could remain calm. As it was the only thing that kept us going was we had hope. Towards cycle 15, it became the smallest speck of hope you've ever seen but it was still there.

An outlet I used to get let my fears, hope, anger out was Pintrest. I made a secret baby board where I pinned inspirational quotes. To this day I can't read those pins without being flooded with the emotions of that time in my life. I wish I could tell you how it's going to end for you. All I can say is keep checking in with your wife every month and make sure you're both on the same page. When you've been TTC this long it takes a toll on your marriage.

Thank! It just seems to be desperation now. I have had one chemical pregnancy so I know that I CAN get pregnant. It's just a matter of when the next time will be. i think that is the scariest part. My wife and I have been very proactive about taking care of our relationship, we've been in counseling since before we started TTC bc we expected it to be hard, we just didn't expect it to be this hard.

I feel defeated in some ways, and in many others I am so afraid to try IVF bc I know that if that doesn't work then we are done, and I know in the bottom of it all that I am not ready to be done trying, I am only 27 and have tons of great follicles nearly 40 to be exact. I just have to somewhere in the darkness of it all find the hope, it's still there or I wouldn't keep trying, but I never expected to be so cold, and empty while trying. We've had 5 failed medicated and monitored IUIs for my wife, 2 unmedicated for me (my first was a chemical, I think that shook me the most), and one poorly timed IUI. My wife just did an unmedicated cycle with fresh donor sperm, bfn. So really that isn't many cycles between the two of us, but when im walking through it, it feels like hell, absolutely hell.

[rikkiandjulie]

Mar 14, 2016 18:05:29 GMT -5 lv2016 said:

rikkiandjulie, I am sorry you're so down right now. I'm not going to tell you I know how you feel, because my wife and I haven't been trying for as long as you have. I just wish you weren't going through all of this crap.

Please feel all the feels. TTC is a cake walk for some, and a living nightmare for others. Just remember to keep checking in with yourself and to remember that nearly 60% of women will concieve within the first year, and within the next year nearly 90% of the remaining 40%. It will happen for us, it's not that we are infertile, it's just that we can't screw like rabbits all month.

[JustJudy]

karlamo, beautifully said. I'm definitely to the numb part. I'm like a robot now, I'll just keep going until it happens one way or another.

Hugs to us all!

[karlamo]

rikkiandjulie, yes, desperate is the word. My wife and I would joke saying one way or another, we're gettin' a baby. Cycle 15 was our Hail Mary pass, it was the first cycle we used my eggs. We knew if that didn't work then we were moving onto adoption and marriage counseling.
But it worked. While every bfn killed a piece of me on the inside, I'm grateful for each one of them because they brought us R. We never sought out to do reciprocal IVF, but that's where we landed.

@justjudy, my TTC mantra was "just keep swimming."
Repeat one million times a day.

[serpentine85]

One week.

One week to our first attempt at TTC #2.

There's so much more I could write at this point but I believe that one sentence holds the weight of it.

Thinking of everyone today - wherever on the rollercoaster you may be.

QOTW: This last week was kinda busy for us: Swimming Monday, my uncle visiting to meet baby for the first time Tuesday, a close friend visiting Wednesday, Thursday was the stay and play. After all that and then our first insem next Wednesday, I think we're fully booked for now. The next few days are about calming, centering, letting go of past hurts and eating yams. Lots and lots of yams

[JustJudy]

OMG I have never been so excited to start my period! 50 days it took to show up. Let's hope that doesn't happen again this cycle so we can get to injectables in April!