To know or not to know...the struggle is REAL!!!

[firstcomeslove2013]

Hello all! 

I need some help and was hoping to get some good opinions from you all. 


C and I are in an epic battle. I REALLY want to find out the sex of the baby. C REALLY does not want to find out the sex. We have gotten into a few pretty big arguments about it. 

C's argument is that it doesn't matter and C is afraid they will be gendered before birth. My arguement is that it helped me to bond with H and I loved how special it was finding out and getting to tell everyone and picking a name and so forth. 

In all our discussions, C says that I haven't convinced him with a strong enough argument to find out. 

What are everyone else's thoughts? I need some help because I am really struggling. TIA

[karlamo]

Epic battle? Well that just sucks the fun out pregnancy. I'm sorry.

You know we were team green for both our kids. So you already know how I would go but I feel like this could be a both and situation. Meaning you could find out the sex and C could wait till the delivery room. I met a real life couple who did this. The husband wanted to know and the wife did not. So just he found out the sex and that was that. They still picked out a boy name and girl name. The husband said he never slipped or wanted to tell his wife. If anything he said he didn't want to ruin the surprise for her. They both got what they wanted and then his wife got the thrill of finding out the sex in the delivery room. I never would have thought this would work till I met them.

So why not try that approach? You can know but you need I carry on like you're team green to C. On the other hand you also could see which one of you is willing to give and do what the other wants.

Good luck. AS soon? I'm still wrapping my brain around the fact you're pregnant!

[healz413]

I don't want to come between you and C and I think there are good reasons to find out the sex now and good reasons not to. But I will say that M made a good point when we were trying to decide what to do. She said that sometimes not learning the projected sex assigned at birth during pregnancy means that the sex of your child becomes a much bigger part of delivery and of the early moments of bonding with your child than it would otherwise be. Of course there are ways to approach birth in which sex is de-emphasized but you would have to do some real work to make sure that was the case.

[kh826]

Well, I have a somewhat unique perspective on this one.
With William, we "found out" that we were having a girl, and whoops, they were wrong! We had a boy.
After that, we were team green with Lucie's pregnancy, and I personally loved it.
Before our experience with our first pregnancy, I would have told you that I could NEVER be team green.
It is my personality to NEED to know everything there is to know all the time. But after our first experience, I felt I would never trust what we were told about the sex while pregnant. It felt strangely freeing to not "find out."
It was definitely different to not have a definite name assigned to my belly and the baby inside, but I didn't feel less bonded. J says she didn't either.
It was exciting to bring two outfits to the hospital and not know which one the baby would wear. The moment that J told me we had just had a daughter was amazing and felt so special.
We have since decided that we will be team green for all future pregnancies. Now that we have experienced it both ways (sort of), I wouldn't have it any other way.

With all of that being said, I can understand your perspective, especially since you found out with H.

I also understand C's perspective, and can see why this would be of particular importance to him.

I will also chime in that as someone in a relationship where we struggle with compromise (J and I really struggle with compromise in general) - when we agree it is fantastic, but when we don't it always feels like someone wins and someone loses, and J is NOT good at losing, and I'm not good at letting her not get what she wants... In all honesty, when it comes to the "really big ticket items" in life, as I like to call them, sometimes it is worth it to give your spouse a win when the issue is deeply important and meaningful to them. That's by no means saying this issue is more important to C than you, but just my two cents based on my own experience in my own relationship.

No matter what you guys decide, you are welcoming another amazing life into your family, and that is what is important. Sending you both strength to make the right decision for your family and to be at peace with that decision and focus your energy on welcoming your newest family member when he/she arrives.

Good luck and hugs to you both!

[JustJudy]

I've yet to be pregnant, but our plan is to find out. I think I would be upset if J didn't want to. kh826, has SUCH an interesting perspective though and I can see why others would want to be team green.

In this instance I feel like "my body my choice." No one, not even my spouse, can tell me what to do when it comes to my body and if I'm the one carrying and I want to find out I will.

Kristykristyleelee, you should hang out more often!

[kh826]

@justjudy - I have to respectfully disagree with you regarding your "my body, my decision" comment... I mean this respectfully, I would like to reiterate, so I hope you do not mind or take offense that I offer my two cents... As the carrying/pregnant parent in my relationship, it has always been very important to me that any pregnancy be seen and discussed as "our" pregnancy and not just mine. Even though my body physically carried our children, they are our children and have been since the moment of conception. I have always been concerned about J feeling disconnected or disrespected with regard to our pregnancies, and I have been proactive about ensuring that she was involved and equal in every decision. Finally, I would say that it is my opinion that finding out the sex is not a decision that impacts my body as the carrying partner in any way. It does however impact our family dynamic and is one of our first parenting decisions together in a child's life. Just my two cents for what it is worth.

[JustJudy]

kh826, That doesn't offend me at all, and I'm happy to agree to dsagree.

When J was trying I knew that if she got pregnant it was 100% our baby, but I planned to follow her lead on most decisions in regards to the child. Not that I don't have an opinion, but I was willing to acquiesce when it came to decisions made while she was carrying. Especially ones that, like you said, don't physically impact the pregnancy or child.

Now that I'm the one trying and sticking myself with needles, taking meds that mess with my body, and hoping that one day I'll finally have a child hanging around in my uterus making me uncomfortable, I'm so thankful she feels the same as me.

[esquette]

I thought for sure that sweetie would hold the same position as C does. She identifies as trans and I thought she might want to keep away from gender issues as long as possible.

But I was wrong. As long as we don't tell people, she's happy. And she knows that our baby will live in a gendered world and we can't stop that.

I wanted to know for two reasons: 1) being a house of all girls, I always saw us with a girl. I felt like I needed to know as soon as I could to get used to the idea of a boy. I'm excited for our son and I'm glad we found out early. Reason 2: I haven't felt super connected to my pregnancy yet, and it's been helping me to imagine what our life will be like with our son.

[karlamo]

kh826, JustJudy, As someone who has lived on both sides of this I can share my perspective. When my wife was carrying R, I was ALL.OVER.HER. I took the "this is our baby" to the extreme! We laugh about it now but towards the end of her pregnancy her OB was asking me the questions, I kid you not. She sais she never met a partner more involved than me. I'm not sure if that was a compliment, hahaha.

When I was pregnant with L, my wife started treating my pregnancy the way I did hers. I got a taste of my own medicine and I didn't like it. We made it through both pregnancies just fine and it was so great for our marriage for both of us to get to experience what the other went through.

firstcomeslove2013, I hope you share more about life on the other side.

[wittyandwaiting]

Ugh. Sorry to hear that your in a battle during this exciting time!!

C and I were in a bit of a battle about this as well but ultimately ended up finding out because it was important for DS to have something more concrete than a baby is coming.

In our case I noticed a huge shift in how much he talked to and about the baby once he knew it was a sister. He went from saying "hi baby" to telling her stories, talking to her about people she would meet and saying goodnight to her every night. For him it just made it more tangible.

I don't know if that helps at all, I guess my point is that sometimes people need more to make it less abstract and to connect more.

I also really didn't want the "It's a Girl or it's a Boy" excitement to take over when the baby was born. I think that for us, finding out allowed us to provide context to our friends and family regarding the gendering of our daughter. We didn't paint her room pink, we put some 'boy things' and a lot of neutral things on our registry and have had a lot of conversations that start with "it's a girl but....."

I hope that you two can find some peace and compromise.

[crazyaunt84]

I agree with you that finding out the sex of the babies was a huge part of the bonding experience for me. I found it was equally important for me to be able to 'let go' of some of the dreams and hopes I'd had before we learned the sex. Before we knew, I had absolutely looked at adorable little girl clothes (and boy clothes) in the store, thought about what it would be like to have a little girl named after my grandma, etc. I wasn't pining for a girl, but it was a possibility, and I let my mind go with it. There was a piece of the dreaming that I needed to briefly mourn and let go of so that I could get super excited about the boys. It didn't diminish my love for them, but I was super glad I could get through that process before they were physically here in my arms.

I understand that C is in a unique position in that he doesn't want the baby to be forced into a gender because of his own experiences, but I also know the joy of finding out as much about this tiny human as you can. And in no way does knowing who they are now change your openness to who they will become. Choosing not to know doesn't change the fact that they have an assigned sex at this moment, and if this child makes it known down the road that nature didn't give them the parts to match their heart, then they couldn't have asked for a more understanding or supportive family to love and cherish them through whatever their journey may hold.

You could certainly make the argument that it's important for you to know, and you'd like to find out. If it's important to him not to know, he doesn't need to. Or perhaps you could find out together but choose not to share that information with anyone else until the baby arrives. That eliminates people buying you intensely gendered clothing or other baby gifts, but would meet the need in your heart to know who you'll get to fall in love with in a few short months!

[crazyaunt84]

Mar 21, 2016 20:10:25 GMT -5 JustJudy said:

I've yet to be pregnant, but our plan is to find out. I think I would be upset if J didn't want to. kh826 , has SUCH an interesting perspective though and I can see why others would want to be team green.

In this instance I feel like "my body my choice." No one, not even my spouse, can tell me what to do when it comes to my body and if I'm the one carrying and I want to find out I will.

Kristykristyleelee , you should hang out more often!

Interestingly, I've felt quite the opposite with our pregnancy. Because it was 'my body', I have relinquished as much control as possible to let things be my wife's choice. It isn't a topic we seem to discuss often (either on the board or in real life), but C has had some insecurities to overcome in regards to the fact that she is the non-biological parent. We didn't have the choice to use her eggs or her body for several reasons. I think pulling the 'my body my choice' card would, at least in our situation, be hugely damaging and establish an uncalled for hierarchy between us. These are OUR kids 100%, and I try to act in a way that she knows that at all times!

[wittyandwaiting]

Mar 22, 2016 9:19:52 GMT -5 crazyaunt84 said:

Mar 21, 2016 20:10:25 GMT -5 JustJudy said:

I've yet to be pregnant, but our plan is to find out. I think I would be upset if J didn't want to. kh826 , has SUCH an interesting perspective though and I can see why others would want to be team green.

In this instance I feel like "my body my choice." No one, not even my spouse, can tell me what to do when it comes to my body and if I'm the one carrying and I want to find out I will.

Kristykristyleelee , you should hang out more often!

Interestingly, I've felt quite the opposite with our pregnancy. Because it was 'my body', I have relinquished as much control as possible to let things be my wife's choice. It isn't a topic we seem to discuss often (either on the board or in real life), but C has had some insecurities to overcome in regards to the fact that she is the non-biological parent. We didn't have the choice to use her eggs or her body for several reasons. I think pulling the 'my body my choice' card would, at least in our situation, be hugely damaging and establish an uncalled for hierarchy between us. These are OUR kids 100%, and I try to act in a way that she knows that at all times!

crazyaunt84 is in my head. We even both have a partner named C. <cue twilight zone music>

[keba]

First of all, I'm glad I'm not the only one locked in this particular battle of wills. Haven't even made it to the pregnant part yet. K is pretty committed to knowing, and I'm team green all.the.way. Although many of you make compelling arguments that are making me think.

My perspective on it isn't quite so much about gendering, though I do agree with that to some extent. Mostly I'm just getting so exhausted with this process and not being able to have input into it. I'm not carrying, I'm not genetically involved, we don't even get to do it at home. IUIs and IVF take all the fun parts out of conceiving, so I'm clinging to that one big surprise we get out of the process. I'm also a sucker for a good, big surprise. K likes to "be prepared." My biggest fear on this one is that she'll secretly find out and just not tell me. That's how she handles TV spoilers, so... obviously we'll have to discuss more. And perhaps sooner rather than later.

[crazyaunt84]

Paging firstcomeslove2013 - any updates to the Know or not to Know battle at your casa?

[firstcomeslove2013]

Mar 25, 2016 6:56:13 GMT -5 crazyaunt84 said:

Paging firstcomeslove2013 - any updates to the Know or not to Know battle at your casa?

Nada...we are still at a standstill...we are 13 weeks today so there is still more time but both parties are still locked...I think we need some space from the discussion.

I appreciate everyone's input. It's nice to se everyone's stance on the topic. I think the hardest thing for me is that C and I are usually always on the same page. It's tough to feel so different.

[wittyandwaiting]

Mar 27, 2016 21:17:16 GMT -5 firstcomeslove2013 said:

Mar 25, 2016 6:56:13 GMT -5 crazyaunt84 said:

Paging firstcomeslove2013 - any updates to the Know or not to Know battle at your casa?

Nada...we are still at a standstill...we are 13 weeks today so there is still more time but both parties are still locked...I think we need some space from the discussion.

I appreciate everyone's input. It's nice to se everyone's stance on the topic. I think the hardest thing for me is that C and I are usually always on the same page. It's tough to feel so different.

Ugh. I am so sorry to hear that you are still deadlocked. I hope you two are able to come to a compromise or agreement soon.

[JustJudy]

Mar 27, 2016 21:17:16 GMT -5 firstcomeslove2013 said:

Mar 25, 2016 6:56:13 GMT -5 crazyaunt84 said:

Paging firstcomeslove2013 - any updates to the Know or not to Know battle at your casa?

Nada...we are still at a standstill...we are 13 weeks today so there is still more time but both parties are still locked...I think we need some space from the discussion.

I appreciate everyone's input. It's nice to se everyone's stance on the topic. I think the hardest thing for me is that C and I are usually always on the same page. It's tough to feel so different.

Hugs lady. Partnership is hard!

[crazyaunt84]

Mar 27, 2016 21:17:16 GMT -5 firstcomeslove2013 said:

Mar 25, 2016 6:56:13 GMT -5 crazyaunt84 said:

Paging firstcomeslove2013 - any updates to the Know or not to Know battle at your casa?

Nada...we are still at a standstill...we are 13 weeks today so there is still more time but both parties are still locked...I think we need some space from the discussion.

I appreciate everyone's input. It's nice to se everyone's stance on the topic. I think the hardest thing for me is that C and I are usually always on the same page. It's tough to feel so different.

Definitely ugh. Any chance you could teach H to ask? I mean, it's totally underhanded, but the cuteness factor might just disarm C enough to get him to agree!

[wittyandwaiting]

Mar 28, 2016 8:04:48 GMT -5 crazyaunt84 said:

Mar 27, 2016 21:17:16 GMT -5 firstcomeslove2013 said:

Nada...we are still at a standstill...we are 13 weeks today so there is still more time but both parties are still locked...I think we need some space from the discussion.

I appreciate everyone's input. It's nice to se everyone's stance on the topic. I think the hardest thing for me is that C and I are usually always on the same page. It's tough to feel so different.

Definitely ugh. Any chance you could teach H to ask? I mean, it's totally underhanded, but the cuteness factor might just disarm C enough to get him to agree!

I like your style! 

[firstcomeslove2013]

Mar 28, 2016 8:04:48 GMT -5 crazyaunt84 said:

Mar 27, 2016 21:17:16 GMT -5 firstcomeslove2013 said:

Nada...we are still at a standstill...we are 13 weeks today so there is still more time but both parties are still locked...I think we need some space from the discussion.

I appreciate everyone's input. It's nice to se everyone's stance on the topic. I think the hardest thing for me is that C and I are usually always on the same page. It's tough to feel so different.

Definitely ugh. Any chance you could teach H to ask? I mean, it's totally underhanded, but the cuteness factor might just disarm C enough to get him to agree!

Yes this is a perfect idea...if we could only get her to start speaking in sentences! ;-)

[wittyandwaiting]

Mar 28, 2016 9:02:06 GMT -5 firstcomeslove2013 said:

Mar 28, 2016 8:04:48 GMT -5 crazyaunt84 said:

Definitely ugh. Any chance you could teach H to ask? I mean, it's totally underhanded, but the cuteness factor might just disarm C enough to get him to agree!

Yes this is a perfect idea...if we could only get her to start speaking in sentences! ;-)

There's still time! 

[Deleted]

If I didn't have a high risk pregnancy and CVS and all that, I might've stayed green- but once the info was out there for me to know, I felt silly saying don't tell me! I was ultrasounded a lot more often etc- and all the nurses knew- it seemed kindof IDK, excessive in a way the secrecy since pretty much every other thing about him was known. Also financially it made some difference for me, to acquire some second hand clothes etc. J wasn't directed at trucks and cars and forbidden to wear pink, but there were some things I would have gotten for a girl I didn't for J. Sundresses etc, perhaps. Depends on how strictly gender neutrally you are raising your other child, to an extent. Also, I am a single parent and Im glad I had time to address in my mind what was the biggest difference for boys- circumcision, to do it or not. I needed a lot of lead up time to think about that. If you guys wouldn't consider it, it may not be a topic. There were so many surprises at delivery- he was healthy but needed some intervention getting started, that Im glad I was not processing his assigned sex, and health status and my health all at once. If you have a smooth delivery and all that- bonding time etc, it would be great to be surprised I think, but it was such a scramble. Im glad I had a chance to know my baby and think about him concretely all during the pregnancy. Just my experience. Good luck, and Im so happy for you, whichever way you go!

[kh826]

@sherminator brings up a good point about the circ situation. The first time around J and I really didn't talk much about it since we thought we were having a girl. When William was born we had to make a decision fast and neither of us were very clear headed or focused to do so. We ended up doing it. I don't regret that we did, but J says she does. It caused some long drawn out emotional discussions when we were pregnant the second time around.

Definitely not trying to open the circ can of worms here, but if you do stay team green, I would strongly recommend talking it through so that you are on the same page if you need to be.