TTMA trying again

[rslh10]

Hi ladies,

We were given clearance to start TTC again. We unfortunately will have to do so through IVF because of my low AMH levels.

I just wanted to start a thread to ask what all of you felt when you started trying again? I know it will be a huge deal to be pregnant again. I know I will feel scared and anxious and pretty terrified probably every second...but maybe not. Maybe I will be able to enjoy it. I'm not sure and I won't know until it happens (if it happens).

So, tell me how you felt. Even the scary dark stuff if you want to share it.

TIA

[snowbigdeal]

I'm mobile but will post when I'm on my laptop next, because I have a lot of thoughts.

I highly recommend the book "Trying Again". I can pass along my copy if you're comfortable pming me your address.

[flutterfly88]

After we were given the all clear, we waited until our edd had passed before we started NTNP. We had success fairly quickly, and although very happy, I was terrified and initially regretted not preventing a few more months because I don't know if I was emotionally ready.

Until we reached viability I was scared so much. If it wasn't for my faith and telling myself everyday "today I am pregnant and everything's okay" plus the extra monitoring that came with being high risk I don't know how I would have done it.

How supportive are your doctors, if you do get pregnant again would they be willing to do extra monitoring? I think it also helps to acknowledge your fears, to admit they are there without allowing those fears to become all consuming (easier said then done, I know).

[rslh10]

snowbigdeal YGPM

flutterfly88 I met with a team of MFMs and they agreed to give me any kind of additional monitoring I thought I would need, whenever. They said they understand how hard it will be and want to keep me as reassured that things are going well as possible. They told me I would be delivered at 37 weeks (K was born at 38+4) so that makes me feel a little better but I know that it doesn't matter what day the next child is delivered-- it could happen any time. So all in all the Dr's were amazing and I really feel confident that I will be able to control my fears with all of their support and the support of my therapist.

[wrenofthesea]

Trying again after loss is hard and for me an ultimate rollercoaster of highs and lows. The first three cycles or so were crazy for me as I wanted to get pregnant again but at the same time would have almost full blown panic attacks when my cycle would be coming to an end thinking that I might be pregnant and not knowing if I was ready to go through a whole pregnancy again or just being able to carry another child when I missed and wanted Lillian so bad. I also felt very guilty those first cycles thinking of having another child which surprised me. Eventually that calmed down and then it just became upsetting and depressing when I wouldn't get pregnant and being so angry at my body for failing again. That was tough to deal with so H and I started planning weekend trips and fun activities/goals to help try and take our minds off TTC (which is easier said than done).

As snowbigdeal mentioned the book Trying Again is good. That helped me some as did reading An Exact Figment of My Imagination. The second book is more a memoir of one ladies journey from her first son who was stillborn to the birth of her second. I do have to say that some parts of that book were a little hard for me since some of her thoughts and feelings were so different and far from what I felt- but it reminded me that we all have our own journeys and what works for one person might not work for another.


As far as being pregnant again and having to go through another nine months it was very, very difficult but also wonderful and at times I was very happy. I won't go more into that since you are mostly interested in TTC right now. Having a good team of doctors or other people to support you is key. It won't take away all the stress and worry but it does help a lot. Also talking to them early on about a plan (even though plans change) helped a lot.

[peaseblossom55]

I was hopeful and we knew we wanted to try again as soon as possible. We did not think it would take this long or be so problematic. When I found out I was pregnant again ( with my chemical) for the 5 days I knew I was pregnant I was so happy and excited. I thought I would be scared and nervous, perhaps it would have set it in a few days. I don't know. As much as I want to be pregnant again so badly. I know it will be hard emotionally. I hope when it does happen it will be worth.

I also plan to ask a lot more questions and be a lot more diligent with the next pregnancy. At this point I am just hoping there is one.

[angelsnight]

**warning, rainbow and birth mentioned***

We started trying as soon as we were cleared. It was pretty scary, and the first month was a BFN, though I was ok with it because another month to grieve was ok. But I knew the next month would be hard if it was a BFN, so I was thankful we got our BFP. I was so shocked though, because our first loss we tried for 8 months, and for our angel we tried for a year, so getting our BFP so soon was crazy.

Not going to lie, Pgal is very very hard. But I did have good days, you've just got to enjoy them when they come, and deal with the bad when they're there. I worried all the time, I worried about a first tri loss, I worried about losing her the same way we lost our angel, and I worried about all the other ways I have learned of in which you can lose your child.

I'll say one of the best things that helped me was having amazingly supportive doctors. They understood that this pregnancy would be really hard on me, and short of letting me move in to OB triage, they did everything they could to make me comfortable such as telling me to come in for heart tones whenever I needed to hear (I did have a home doppler too, which helped a ton), increasing my cervix checks (I had IC with my angel) to weekly around the time of my previous loss to give me more reassurance, and not batting an eyelash when I came in to triage twice before I was actually in labor.

Be prepared to feel anything. To feel overwhelming joy, to feel distance with your new pregnancy, to not enjoy doing some of the things you did last time, or any of the things. I was still pretty excited about my pregnancy, but I didn't want to announce until we passed my last loss milestone, I didn't want the baby shower to be until I was pretty certain things were going ok. But by the time I went in for induction, I was feeling pretty indifferent about meeting my baby. The last time I had a baby, I was so broken over losing her, I couldn't imagine having to be with it and able to take care of her (though if she had been ok, I wouldn't have been grieving, but try telling my brain that). So I was very nervous about actually having to take care of this baby, to be there for her 24/7, to actually take a baby home from the hospital.

I had never done that before, so I worried I wouldn't be able to. When my induction failed, I burst into tears when they started prepping me for a C-section. Partly because I was afraid of having one, but mostly because I was going to be meeting my baby in a few minutes, rather than the few more hours I thought I had. I just wasn't sure I could do this, and partly I worried how I would feel about her, since she wasn't Kayla.

But the minute I laid eyes on her, all of those fears fell away and I was in love. To this day I still cannot believe how indifferent I was to that little miracle just seconds before she arrived.

Just try to remember, that there are so many emotions that you might feel, they are all normal, and none of them make you a bad mom. Many thoughts and prayers for you guys. Praying IVF goes well and you have your rainbow soon! Hugs!

[shandorfml2]

PgAL is hard. We started trying as soon as we were cleared, six weeks after my angel was born. We tried for a year and a half before I got pregnant. My pregnancy was filled with anxiety and fear, but I also cherished every moment more. I bonded with my child more, because I knew life isn't promised. I leaned a lot on these boards, I was in therapy weekly and had a good, open relationship with my OB. It was totally worth it, but it was hard. I was less concerned with eating the right thing (I was paranoid about lunch meat, caffeine, fish etc, with my angel). I ate healthy, but was not obsessed. I knew that eating one sandwich once in a while would not kill my baby. Babies can die even when you do everything right...so I wasn't as hard on myself in that regards.

we are currently TTC our second rainbow. It's not as scary now, but still the fear of loss is huge. BUT once you have that beautiful blessing in your arms, it is worth it. Good luck on your journey....

[littleowl913]

We decided to wait until 2015 to start trying again - with 2 losses in 2014 we just wanted to leave it all behind and start fresh with the new year. It gave us time to grieve and prepare ourselves for the TTC process again. I'm not going to lie but it was scary as shit but what helped was having my consultation with my MFM. He looked and acted like a crazy uncle but he gave us hope and gave us a plan. Knowing that I was going to be taken care of and closely monitored definitely calmed some of my fears. Getting that first BFN was pretty gut wrenching. I don't know how many BFNs I could have taken. Luckily on our second try we got our BFP.

[snowbigdeal]

rslh10, finally, I'm back in town and in front of my computer, so I can post the reply I promised:) It's a novel!

Our son was stillborn in the end of April 2014 and we ended up TTC again basically as soon as possible. I got pregnant again in early July. My doc's opinion was that when I got my period again, it was a sign that my body was physically ready, though she suggested waiting two cycles so that dating would be more accurate. H and I both knew right away that we wanted to try again, as in, we were in the hospital waiting for the induction of our son and talking about trying again. It was helpful that we were both on the same page with it from the get-go, and we talked a lot before we started about how it was likely to make us feel. I think the whole process of loss and TTC again made us much better communicators with each other.

When it came time to try again, though I was really nervous and started doubting the decision. In the end, we decided to go through with it and stopped using protection, mostly because I was over 35 and we knew statistically that it could take awhile, and we felt like we didn't have time to lose, especially since we thought we would like to have more children after our rainbow. I still felt really conflicted about trying again, because I felt like I had zero idea what it would be like being PGAL. I read a lot of books and blogs and that gave me an idea about the huge range of things that I could end up experiencing (my favorite book is the one I'm sending you).

I did a few things to prepare in the 2.5 months pre-ttc. I tried to get in as good physical shape as possible, I walked a lot and ate as healthy as possible, but postpartum body and hormones are no joke and I started out the next pregnancy 10 lbs heavier than the first, and I was heavy to begin with. This stressed me out kind of a lot, because I wanted to be as healthy as possible to maximize our chances of success, but I also didn't want to wait. In the end, I just kind of accepted that I was doing my best and tried not to worry about my physical health and weight too much.

I also tried to get in emotional shape...as I said, I read as much as I could. I went to a grief counselor, but that proved not so helpful. She was pretty vocal about her disagreement with our decision to ttc again so soon. She thought I should take more time to grieve. Both at the time and in hindsight, I disagree with her. I was able to continue to grieve throughout the next pregnancy, and to deal with my feelings, and being pregnant again was cathartic and helpful. I guess maybe everyone is different and perhaps she was speaking from experience, but her advice was just flat out wrong for me. Another thing I did was start meditating and joining a zen Buddhist group. Since I am atheist, this gave me an emotional and spiritual grounding and practice without the god stuff. This, especially the meditation part, was probably the most helpful thing I did to prepare for TTC and getting through the next pregnancy. Honestly, for me this was a great time to take up meditating since I literally could not get my brain to work right, so just sitting and staring into space was really easy.

When we found out I was pregnant again, we told family and close friends right away. We waited until the 12-week mark to make a more public announcement. Some people reacted with a kind of shock and a hesitation to congratulate us, or didn't really know what to say. That was hard. Other people kind of ignored the fact that we had just had a stillbirth didn't acknowledge that actually, this pregnancy probably not going to be all sparkles and glitter. That was hard too. Maybe harder. For sure, the hardest part about being pregnant again was having to interact with other people. For whatever reason, every stranger's #1 question was whether or not it was my first. I hate that question with a burning passion, because most of the time I didn't feel like explaining to rando lady that I had a dead baby, but if I didn't, they'd usually inundate me with advice about L&D (been there, done that) or be all "ooh, how wonderful you must be so happy blah blah blah" when really my second pregnancy was just a purgatory that I had to wait out. Even friends who knew what I had been through gave me L&D advice. Like they just forgot I had gone through that, or didn't realize that having a stillbirth means you still have to go through the birth process...it was super annoying.

Anyway, purgatory. That is maybe the best way I can describe my rainbow pregnancy. It was something I just had to get through to get the prize. It honestly wasn't terrible...like, I had some anxiety, but I managed it well and I wasn't that worried about another stillbirth, since it was statistically unlikely. A lot of the books I read suggested that many people don't have a lot of anxiety during the first pregnancy after a loss, because of a "lightning never strikes twice" kind of mentality. This was true for me. These same books say that the anxiety does frequently come back for subsequent pregnancies, though, and I kind of think this may end up happening for me. It was also helpful that my doc treated me like a high-risk patient even though I wasn't, so I got extra visits, extra ultrasounds, and weekly NSTs during the third tri. I was also able to call them and come in right away any time I had any concerns. I think I only did this twice, both times when I felt decreased movement, but I went in and they determined that the baby had just switched positions.

I felt super tuned in to the baby throughout the pregnancy, more so than my first pregnancy, though this could just have been a function of experience. Anyway, even though the pregnancy was not extremely stressful or anxiety-filled, it was also not fun. There was not a whole lot of joy, the pregnancy symptoms felt worse since I think I didn't have any of the unabashed hope that I had during my first pregnancy. Even though I thought things would turn out well this time, I knew that there was no guarantee, and so it was just a waiting game. Have you ever read or seen the play "Waiting for Godot"? It felt like that. We called the baby Godot for awhile. During all this waiting period, I had a hard time doing anything, and I let my work slide a lot (I was working on a degree, so I had that luxury), I had a hard time even reading or watching tv, distractions just generally didn't work. The only tv I could watch was really boring shows where nothing sad or dramatic happened. I got through the first six seasons of Doc Martin, for example, but had to stop when one of the characters had a baby. What did I do with the rest of my time? Lord, it's crazy, but I think I spent all nine months cleaning and re-cleaning the house and going for walks with the dog? I don't know.

I was (and still am) incredibly jealous of women who get to go through pregnancy without any of the baggage of a late loss. I have a burning jealousy of them. I wish I could have that again, and I know I never will. I wish I had appreciated it more with my first, but I also kind of blame that mentality for my loss...maybe if I hadn't been so blissfully ignorant of the possibility that something could go wrong, I would have picked up on some signals earlier, or hauled my butt into the doctor sooner, or whatever. So while I'm jealous of women who haven't gone through this, there is a part of me that also wants to warn them of the danger of that kind of carefree thinking.

I got a doppler. My doc was cool with it. I made a rule for myself that I would only use it when I felt like I really needed some reassurance, and that if I didn't find a heartbeat right away, I would not freak out. I used it mostly in the 12 - 20 week range, before movement was regular. I used it maybe every other day or so. It was a great tool to have to help through the hard times.

I had an induction at 39 weeks as per my doc's suggestion. She said she would entertain earlier but not before 37 weeks, but I wanted to maximize baby's time on the inside so I was cool waiting. The induction was painful. I had the goal of being pain med free because after doing a bunch of research, I found that that would give a slight statistical boost to my chances of having a healthy baby and no c-section. In hindsight, I think this was my subconscious attempt to make myself feel like I had some amount of control over the situation. Anyway, it was incredibly painful and I only got through it because I had a great nurse and my H coaching, and because I think I hit the point where the pain was so bad that I literally forgot I could ask for meds. In hindsight, an epidural would have been more reasonable. I guess no regrets since everything turned out well, but man, it was really really really. really. terribly painful. By the time baby was out, I actually felt angry at her for the pain. It took awhile for that to subside.

This takes me to how I felt postpartum, after my daughter was born. It was interesting, because H and I were so convinced that once we had this baby, everything would be okay, it would be great, newborns are hard but because of everything we had been through, the hard part would be fun and enjoyable. LOL for days. Nope, I think we had been so focused on getting through the pregnancy and birth, and had such a rosy picture of what it would be like to finally have a baby, that we were setting ourselves up for an extra hard time once baby arrived. L&D and the arrival of baby girl was not the beautiful, perfect thing that I had imagined it to be, and the first few months of her life were not the rosy image H and I had had in our minds. But...interestingly, this also helped me come to terms with the loss of our son. His birth was terribly sad but also wonderfully beautiful, but our daughter's birth, while happy, was hard and messy and exhausting. So it sort of helped me see both experiences as both good or bad (or maybe neither good or bad?) They just are what they are, and each taught me certain lessons and helped me see the world in a more compassionate way and with less of an illusion of control or that things are or "should" be a certain way.

So that's my novel, there are probably things I'll think of later and I'll try to come drop them here as they come up. I wish you all the best. And I do think that there is no real "right" way to feel about TTC and PGAL, so just be kind to yourself and your h and try to get through it however you can.

[murrt]

We started with IVF again as soon as we were cleared, which was 4 months later. I had to do some repeat testing though before that. That cycle ended in my chemical. Then I did another cycle that failed and by then, my EDD had passed. I realized then that even though I wanted a baby, I was not ready to be pregnant again.

We did another cycle in February and that has turned to this pregnancy. I have to admit, it is MUCH harder than I anticipated. I have a lot of fear and PTSD. I've been going to therapy and that has helped, but I don't think i'll truly feel better until viability....and even then....I D
dont know.

My only advice is to definately do PGS testing. If we had done that the first time, it would have avoided our TFMR. And it also saves from much of the miscarriage risk which can be devistating after a late term/child loss.

Good luck to you and God Bless!