Ladies- I need to vent

[mislogis]

This will be long, but I need to vent bc I swear to god I'm going crazy.
My father is and always has been, an alcoholic. Two weeks ago, he ruptured a vein in his esophagus, lost half his blood volume, and fell head and arms into his bath tub, saving his life. In order to fix the veins, they did a procedure injecting glue into the Varices to help control the bleeding. It stabilized him, he was released, we admitted him to rehab, and a day later the glue didn't work, and he was rushed back to icu. Yesterday they placed a shunt thru his liver, a temporary fix for a liver he will never get.

I'm frustrated that his family are now supporting his choice to not go into a rehab facility to treat his alcoholism. My dad says he's been "scared to death and won't ever have a drink". He HAS to remain sober to even qualify for the transplant list for 6 mos and actively participate an AA and therapy etc.

I've been trying to get my dad to sober up for 20 years. Right now I'm so angry, at him, his family who knew he switched from beer and wine to a 16 oz pint glass of crown EVERY night. This morning he told me he belongs in rehab, and after talking to my dumbass sisters, he told them he's decided he doesn't want to go back and they "fully support his decision" just like they fully supported his heavy drinking.

any advice from anyone whose been thru this would be awesome. I'm not close to my dad, but he's still my dad. I know I'm not alone.

A piece of me wishes he would have just passed away, and I wouldn't have to endure watching him die a slow death from liver failure. I saw people in the icu, yellow, jaundice, waiting for livers. He has a pipe dream he will get one. We had doctors tell us he would never get one bc he was an alcoholic.
His procedure was a band aid on a bullet hole. I'm so disappointed in him.

Sorry for the rant. Just needed an outlet.

[gratefulgirl]

I'm sorry. First of all, big hugs. That is a lot.

I haven't been in your shoes, but I have done a small bit of research on the topic. I found the book "Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change" to be very interesting because instead of the AA/rehab/intervention approach it took an approach based on what the research says (which turns out to be quite different) and offered a fact and hope based answer to how you can help someone you love change.

[ice61313]

I don't have any advice but hugs to you. That sounds so frustrating. Why do your sisters want to keep enabling him?

[arraberra]

mislogis, no advice for you, but I hope you & your family are able to find peace & resolution to the situation. Sounds like a long tough road.

[mislogis]

Mar 24, 2016 21:54:29 GMT -5 ice61313 said:

I don't have any advice but hugs to you. That sounds so frustrating. Why do your sisters want to keep enabling him?

I have no idea. My middle sister lived with him for a year, knew he was drinking that much and never said or did anything.

I'm the only confrontational one in my family.
I'm the black sheep, the "bitch" who thinks she's better than everyone.

During surgery, they all told stories of his drunkenness, falling down stairs. I said replace "8 beers " with "shooting up 8 times" doesn't have the same appeal does it? Addiction is addiction. I'm looking into therapy myself.
This much anger can't be good for my own health. And If I prepare now for his death it may now be so hard when t actually happens

[mislogis]

gratefulgirl thanks! I will look into that

[shevacc]

I have no advice but lots of hugs. I'm so sorry you're having to watch him go through so much. (((mislogis)))

[skylark002]

So sorry you are going through this. I have no advice. I know addicts will rationalize every decision that involves not quitting; it's a shame his family can't see that.

[swim]

So sorry you're dealing with this. Hugs

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I think therapy for yourself is a wise step

[vk]

Sorry you are dealing with this.

[weeklyplanner]

Personally, I would remove myself from it all. I have no clue if this is the right thing to do, but I'd probably change my realtionship with my father/family. I wouldn't discuss it with them anymore. I feel there comes a point with addicts and their enablers that you need to realize they're hurting themselves and there is nothing you can do. I wouldn't write them out of my life, but it would probably become much more of a phone call to say "I love you" type thing and then on with my life and family.

I agree that therapy for yourself is a great idea. It must be very difficulty to watch your dad slowly kill himself. Don't forget to take care of you, so you can take care of your girls.

[sweetpies]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation and are not receiving support from your family.

I agree with you getting some type of counseling to help with your own feelings.You may also want to try AL Anon www.al-anon.org, where you can receive and share support from others in similar situations. Hopefully this is your Dad's rock bottom.

Tell him you love him and will support his efforts of recovery, but that you cannot support his slow suicide. If he reaches out for help, be ready to jump in and get him in treatment. It's so hard to not be able to fix people and to have to wait until they're ready.

Hugs!

[puffandstuff]

Mar 25, 2016 6:57:27 GMT -5 sweetpies said:

I'm so sorry you are in this situation and are not receiving support from your family.

I agree with you getting some type of counseling to help with your own feelings.You may also want to try AL Anon www.al-anon.org, where you can receive and share support from others in similar situations. Hopefully this is your Dad's rock bottom.

Tell him you love him and will support his efforts of recovery, but that you cannot support his slow suicide. If he reaches out for help, be ready to jump in and get him in treatment. It's so hard to not be able to fix people and to have to wait until they're ready.

Hugs!

This! Very well said Resident Therapist.

[Courtniko]

Hugs mislogis

I have no advice, but love what sweetpies said.

[minervamae]

mislogis, I've shared several times that I grew up with an alcoholic father. He would have a wake up call (read legal trouble or near fatal drunk driving accident) and consider getting sober. His mother and sisters would insist he wasn't an alcoholic and pressure him to have a drink with them during family get togethers. I swear they didn't want him to label himself an alcoholic because it would mean so many people in our family tree were also alcoholics. Eventually he chose to enter rehab because he was looking at prison time if he was caught driving drunk again. He had to choose it and he had to choose to want it over everyone else's input. It has worked. He's been sober almost 30 years now. To this day many of his family still insist on giving him alcohol during family get togethers. He has to be strong enough to hold it in his hand and not drink it. He has passed the test each time, but it's not because of anyone other than himself.

I have seen it go the other way. My paternal grandfather only sobered up when my grandmother refused to pore beer down his throat after he couldn't do it for himself. He only stopped smoking when he could no longer put a cigarette to his mouth and she wouldn't. This was 35 years ago. Seeing his dad die that way did nothing to encourage my dad to stop drinking.

He has to decide to embrace it as a problem and embrace finding the solution himself. There will always be people who intentionally or unintentionally will test his resolve.

As for you, all you can control is you. Get yourself some therapy, or go to some family of alcoholic meetings (I forget the exact name...still waking up) or whatever suits you. Prepare yourself for him not following through and hope to be happily surprised when he does.

[starrynight14]

Hugs mislogis. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My MIL is an addict, and I see enabling happen all the time. I think  a lot of it may be denial. Everytime  MIL relapses, no one does anything about it anymore. It's definitely tough when siblings don't have the same plan and idea of what will truly help. Because we often look cruel and heartless when we put our foot down with her yet everyone else carries on like nothing happens. Then it makes me question if we're doing the right thing. It's a very sad cycle. 
Anyway, thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

[annapunkalunka]

I'm so sorry. No help here, just hugs.

[weeklyplanner]

Mar 25, 2016 6:57:27 GMT -5 sweetpies said:

I'm so sorry you are in this situation and are not receiving support from your family.

I agree with you getting some type of counseling to help with your own feelings.You may also want to try AL Anon www.al-anon.org, where you can receive and share support from others in similar situations. Hopefully this is your Dad's rock bottom.

Tell him you love him and will support his efforts of recovery, but that you cannot support his slow suicide. If he reaches out for help, be ready to jump in and get him in treatment. It's so hard to not be able to fix people and to have to wait until they're ready.

Hugs!

A very good friend of mine became a heroin addict. It was the typical "perfect life" (MBA, job with a excellent government agency, newly married, etc.) turned a mess...starting with prescription pills and then eventually heroin. His wife (now ex) swore by AL anon. She found it so helpful in healing as well as educating herself. I guess what I'm trying to say is you should consider giving a meeting a shot. I'm sure it's not easy to do. I know she was nervous, but ended up making supportive friends and getting the help she needed.

[mislogis]

I just went to see him at the hospital. It was "so and so is doing this and so and so is doing that". I'm really just over it all. I'm going to be angry over it all so I'm choosing to do what I did when I was 17. Tell him I love him, he's my Dad, but he needs to make the right choices for himself, and grow up.

I told him while its important for the body to heal, he needs to fix the mind too, and that he needs to see a therapist. I said my piece, and he will allow everyone else to take care of him instead of doing to himself.

[mrsnorris]

Hugs mislogis. No advice but I hope he decides to get the help he needs. I agree that seeing someon yourself is smart.