Question for STM+ with not so great in-law relationships

[shmee]

My mom told me before my daughter was born that there will never be too many people in the world to love her. So I should not deny her the relationship with my MIL just because I don't personally like her, and I think that's true. Has it been hard to separate my personal feelings towards her? Absolutely. But DD does love her and loves spending time with her, and I am not going to be the one to take that away from her. Be clear about your boundaries from the beginning, and make sure your DH is on board, too. MIL hated that we didn't do solids before 6 months, hated that I breastfed exclusively, etc, but it was like "hey, you want to be a part of this kids life, these are our rules" and she got over it.

Admittedly, we spend SO MUCH MORE time with my family than DHs, and there's no real excuse. Both of them live 5 minutes away from us. We see my mom every Sunday for dinner, and we have dinner with his parents maybe once a month. I think for the most part, his mom knows that women tend to be closer to their mothers than men are to their mothers, especially as adults, so she doesn't make a big deal out of the disproportionate amount of time we spend. It helps to let them babysit DD for an afternoon or a night, so they can still see her and I don't have to see them.

I don't know how much of that made sense. Maybe when you go home, try to do things where both of your families are included. I know it's always much easier for me to tolerate my MIL if my own mom is there, too.

[miraclebbye]

I agree with shmee 's mom, but also remember loving does not constitute boundary stomping.

[jesskr3]

I think it depends how much your in-laws want to be involved. Even when I was with my kids dad we spent way more time with my famiily. As far as them not respecting any rules, I don't do that with anybody!! My child, my rules. I tell everyone if they can't handle that they can't handle a relationship with my kids. I do think you'll be able to put your feelings aside, just think of it as sacrificing for the sake of your child not for the in laws. That might make it easier!

[willadiesel814]

I have a similar situation. I'm extremely close to my mom and dad. And my in laws were never really part of DH and I"s life before Ds was born. So I struggled for a long time. It has always been a point of tension between DH and I because I have a double standard between my parents and his abs what is ok. But oh well.

It has taken me close to three years to allow ds to spend the night with the in laws and I still cringe when he goes there. But I guess I just figure I have to pick my battles with DH. I hope it gets easier for you. But it is a struggle and I can't say I've succeeded yet.

[SassyPants150]

I find that over time it has gotten easier for me to "let it go". You'll find that there are a ton of things that you will want done YOUR way and ILs will find it to be ridiculous. There tends to be less of that with your own family as I think we tend to mold some of our parenting skills from our family experiences, mixed with a little bit of life experience, and our peers (ie. here). By a TON of things, there are things that you will have NEVER thought of being a problem (and sometimes your husband will side with his parent's because it was also the same experience he had).

There were a couple of things that we did manage to agree and followed through on. One of them was that she was not going overnight with anyone until after 1 year old. She was actually closer to a year and a half. My jackass FIL INSISTED that they were taking her to their mountain house like a million times from the time she was born. DH kept telling me that I had to quit with the "excuses" although I will still stand by the fact that "Because I'm not ready for her to go overnight/riding with someone/etc even though I know they would never intentionally harm her". FIL was a complete jackass to DH many times over this but they have now gotten their fair share. Now that she's more independent, it makes me more comfortable.

Now that she's older, there are a lot more things that are "What happens at the grandparents, stays at the grandparents". I know that she is given multiple cupcakes (and then they send the rest home with us and I eat most of them...excessive treats for a 3 year old end at our door), sweet tea and gets to do things like play with their phones.

I have a feeling another shit show is going to begin again when the twins come. FIL will forget that they will NOT be just picking them up and taking them where ever. The at least a year before out of town trips will start over again (and if we are going anywhere, whoever will have to stay at our house to watch them which means FIL won't). My parents are also moving to the area and much closer which means they will probably be seeing our kids a lot more (read: jealousy) and will have some of these weekends that his parents used to have.

At the end of the day, I have to remind myself that they love her very very much. They will never intentionally do anything to hurt her (and these two that are coming up). Now that DD is talking and very interactive, she always comes back talking about how much fun she had with them. They are over the moon and that is "somewhat" endearing to me even though I still have lots of eyerolling in the back of my mind.

[brittneysandra]

I know I am a FTM , and I know I will have many of the same problems as you! So thanks for making this thread!
Also I must say that men will NEVER see their own mothers behavior! i know this because Ive been dealing with it for 8 years now. They never hear their remarks, or the way they say things, or anything.
I know my MIL will overstep her boundries and I know I will have to put her in her place and explain it is not HER CHILD its mine. But I'm ready to do so!
I agree with the comments that regardless of your feelings you should let it affect LO and their relationship, as long as you or DH make it clear your wishes! ..
I guess that my little input for now!

[Starbuck128]

DH and I aren't close to our families, and didn't grow up with extended family in the picture. Because DS would have both sets of grandparents local, and at times uncles, we have struggled with how to incorporate them into our lives when we just didn't grow up with that kind of family contact. We also were very happy with limited, arms length relationships with everyone. The best advice I got was to not let my own personal issues be the reason why my son didn't have his grandparents in the picture. It wouldn't be fair to him.

I approached his birth with the view of starting over with my parents and ILs. I wanted to give them a clean slate and let their actions determine how much they were a part of his life. Also, it may be that your ILs are amazing with your kid. There's a chance. You may find that you suddenly have more affectionate feelings towards whatever he loves.

As for your ILs not following your rules, if you feel like by not following your rules they really are screwing up your child, obviously you need to do something. We had this problem with my ILs and it was in DS's best interest to have strict rules on his contact with them. (I don't know if you remember, but they ignore DS's food allergies and have no respect for our parenting decisions.)

Because they are DH's parents, he took longer to come to that conclusion too. Obviously he needed to be 110% on board with less contact, or it would just cause conflict with us. I tried to be very matter of fact with DH. After a visit with the ILs, I would casually review some of the things they did wrong and the consequences of those actions. Like, "Your dad shoved some of his dinner in DS's mouth without asking us if it was safe for DS. Remember how we talked to them about doing that and they rolled their eyes? They ignored us. What if they food wasn't safe? That could have been really dangerous." Instead of what I wanted to say, "@#$& $#%# #$*^& !@#(% $*#%#$ your dad." Repeat over and over until one day DH said, "Hey, I don't think DS should ever be unsupervised with my parents. I think they would feed him food he is allergic to, and if he had an allergic reaction, I don't think they would do anything." Boom! Exactly! DH needed to reach that conclusion all on his own, with only the facts and his own feelings, not my feelings, or we would have a problem.

[miraclebbye]

Feb 4, 2015 18:44:47 GMT -5 @gfj48 said:

Like I don't even want them to come up to the hospital when I have him and my mom yelled at me the other day. I just don't feel like my in-laws and I have that type of a relationship so why do they get to see me in that personal of a setting

Because Husband. 

I completely understand your feelings tho. 

[onceinlovewithamy]

Oh, hello OP. Do I know you? I was confused by seeing this stunningly gorgeous woman and not a football player

As far as rules go... grandparents gonna grandparent. As long as the child is not in danger or learning awful habits, let them spoil the child. They did all the things they were "supposed to" with their kids, let them have fun with their grand kids. I took me a couple years to relinquish my control of "the rules" with Hunter and my ILs, but I finally realized how much they love him and just want to see him happy. So what if he has a little extra sugar while there? He eats healthy at home. I know he watches a hell of a lot more TV at my ILs than at home, but he's not there every single day. He will be ok

[cosmicav]

I'm a FTM but I wonder about this a lot too, though it is MY mother and not my MIL who is the terrible one not to sound awful. What I've read helps is to remind yourself (and tell them, politely) that this is YOUR family, and your in laws/parents had their chance to do things their way, and now it's your turn to do this. Plus, you have them to look up to as a shining example! (can't go wrong with some good ole fashioned flattery right??) Good luck with everything!

shmee I just wanted to say that I LOVE the advice of "there will never be too many people to love [the baby]." I am going to have to recite that to myself when gathering the strength to visit my side of the family, if I do.

[onceinlovewithamy]

Feb 4, 2015 19:07:37 GMT -5 @gfj48 said:

 letting him play with bows/guns (obviously when he's older) which I'm okay with to a point but I'd prefer him doing it with DH.

Idk I'm sure I'll get over all this. Just right now it seems impossible!!

This is a loooooong way off.  Maybe pump the brakes a little on this issue and let your husband handle that.  I know my husband would be really upset if the monster shot his first gun with his PopPop and not his father.  

[jesskr3]

Feb 4, 2015 18:44:47 GMT -5 @gfj48 said:

Like I don't even want them to come up to the hospital when I have him and my mom yelled at me the other day. I just don't feel like my in-laws and I have that type of a relationship so why do they get to see me in that personal of a setting

Omg, I've tried telling my mom how I don't want tons of people (including inlaws) at the hospital because it's personal. It's like she can't comprehend that. I'll literally be home within 48 hours cam they not wait?!

[Starbuck128]

@gfj48 You don't have to have a relationship with her, just be cordial and polite. Another important piece of advice I received is your children will look to you as an example of how to have a relationship with their parents when they are adults. If you want them to keep in touch with you, show them how by keeping in touch with their grandparents. It doesn't have to be a close relationship, just look like one to little eyes.

[rocksforludo]

I'm probably not the best person to give advice as I'm currently on a self-imposed break from talking to/seeing my MIL (she still is going to see DH/DD this weekend). But FWIW...I try to balance the more go-with-the-flow approach that some of the ladies here have with standing strong on the things that I feel like are the really important and speaking up when major boundaries are being stepped over.

But it's an ongoing struggle for me to figure out when I should just let DH take the lead since it's his mom (but his response is always ignore/avoid confrontation/write her off as irrational) and when I really feel like it's worth the drama to say something. I don't fight every battle because it's exhausting and I feel like it gives me more credibility when I do put my foot down about something.

Like @blackpearl08 said, I think the fact that you're thinking about it and how to deal with it is half the battle. The change in our relationship with MIL was one of the things about having a baby that I was wholly unprepared for and it blindsided me. I was with DH for 11 years before we had a baby and although I saw a little of the crazy out of MIL, I never had to deal with it on the regular like I do now.

[willadiesel814]

Feb 4, 2015 18:44:47 GMT -5 @gfj48 said:

Like I don't even want them to come up to the hospital when I have him and my mom yelled at me the other day. I just don't feel like my in-laws and I have that type of a relationship so why do they get to see me in that personal of a setting

I dealt with this. I told DH to tell him mother NOT to come to the hospital until after ds was born. Guess who showed up after 12 hours of labor while I was being turned to try to get my contractions going more. My fucking in laws. Just waltzed right in the room. If I wasn't numb from the waste down I may have jumped out of bed and beat the shit out of them. I was so pissed. I had to have my mother rush them out and they didn't even speak to me. Just talked to DH and then left. Ugh. It's been three years and I'm still pissed about this.

[veenie]

This is a tough situation and one I didn't/don't handle very well. MH is very close with his parents and it's caused a lot of intense conversations between us. I have definitely gotten further with the proverbial honey, and when he feels like I am trying to meet in the middle I can generally get him to side with me. (Read I get more of what I want.) I do agree with letting him find his way in seeing your side of things. That has been tough for me, but worth it!

I hope you can find an arrangement you are all happy with! It might take some time, but you'll get there.

[maggiet19]

My DH's parents are divorced and both remarried. His mother and stepfather live in town, his father and stepmother live out-of-state. I get along famously with his Dad and stepmother, but my relationship with his mother is not good...I have become indifferent to her based on a lot of negativity she has shown to me. She has had issues with me "taking away" her only son. Not sure how your DH is, but mine has seen the vile viciousness his mother has displayed and backs me 100%.

My family lives here in town and I am extremely close to them...especially my mother. So we are naturally around my family way more than DH's family. I think that is pretty normal for daughters to gravitate to their family...especially with kids.

As far as DD is concerned, we do not engage in any conversation that is remotely negative regarding her grandmother (DH's mother). She has never stayed the night with her nor has she had any unsupervised visits. I do not trust her to offer the same luxury of not talking negatively about me or her other grandmother (DH's stepmother) if she were alone with DD.

I will admit that even though my MIL does not care for me, she has been good to DD. I thought things might improve once we had a child, but it did not. With this new baby, my MIL has started to ask for DD more, but we politely decline.

Good luck, @gfj48 ! This is definitely a tough situation to navigate, especially when relationships are strained. My best advice is to lay out your boundaries and stick to them. It really helps if DH is on board.

[maggiet19]

Feb 4, 2015 20:18:57 GMT -5 willadiesel814 said:

Feb 4, 2015 18:44:47 GMT -5 @gfj48 said:

Like I don't even want them to come up to the hospital when I have him and my mom yelled at me the other day. I just don't feel like my in-laws and I have that type of a relationship so why do they get to see me in that personal of a setting

I dealt with this. I told DH to tell him mother NOT to come to the hospital until after ds was born. Guess who showed up after 12 hours of labor while I was being turned to try to get my contractions going more. My fucking in laws. Just waltzed right in the room. If I wasn't numb from the waste down I may have jumped out of bed and beat the shit out of them. I was so pissed. I had to have my mother rush them out and they didn't even speak to me. Just talked to DH and then left. Ugh. It's been three years and I'm still pissed about this.

Regarding the delivery room...I explicitly told the nurses my MIL was not welcome. Really no one but DH was allowed in the room per my request. Absolutely no person made it past the second curtain that I did not authorize. Those nurses kicked ass turning people away!

[tabH]

I have a shaky relationship with my MIL. Her and my FIL are divorced and him and I have a fabulous relationship. She, on the other hand, dislikes me because I 'took her baby away'. She also lives a 3hr plane ride away so it's even better. But when she does visit, it's for at least a week at a time. I make sure DH has time off from work so that he is here at least 75% of the time she is visiting. He knows how uncomfortable it can be for both of us to be alone together so he understands the NEED for him to be home. So since having DD whenever she is around I just let her go and bond or whatever she wants to do. I walk away and let her be with DD and DH. She knows the type of parents we are so she doesn't mess with those boundaries which is great. This is really because DH has stressed this to her. In the beginning she questioned everything and it would irritate the fuck out of me. DH saw how frustrated she would make me and he realized after many tears that he needed to talk to her. So she knows to give me space now. But she also knows that I would never deny her a relationship with DD. DH recently took DD to visit her for a week while I stayed behind. It was great because she got to see DD and we didn't have to see each other!
Maybe you just need to set expectations up with DH and ask that he help make her aware of how you two want to parent and what part you want her to play. It's hard but you will make it if you and DH work together. As long as she understands you're a team, it'll be ok.

[beezybaby]

Chiming in here a bit late in the game, but I have been through the ringer with my in laws, especially my MIL, and we are actually on the mend! We had good but superficial relationship previous to our first being born, but it crashed very suddenly and drastically pretty much the day DD1 was born. We are pretty good now, I still am SUPER annoyed wight he ways they interact with my kids, but I will skip all the details and tell you some of the things that I think have worked for us...
-Define for yourself what makes you not want them to spend time with LO-not why you don't like, them, or why they annoy you
-Create some boundaries or rules specific to those reasons and make sure you and DH are on the same page AND have an action plan should those lines be crossed
-Let other boundaries/rules go
-Communicate rules in a positive manner first i.e., not "LO doesn't eat solids yet" but "he is only getting breastmilk/formula now. I'll let you know when that changes"
-Know that unless they are horrible people, their actions come from love for their grandchild, son, and sometimes, you.
Most importantly, don't let it come between you and DH. Nothing is more important than the two of you maintaining a cohesive unit, not even baby's sleep routine, swaddle technique, etc...I went the MIL bashing route at first to try to get DH to see ally he ways she was being horrible to me/us, and he just got defensive of his mom. As soon as I started telling him how I needed him to support me, stand up for our decisions, put baby's well being before his mother's feelings, he manned up. And even though it didn't fix the MIL problems, it helped me feel more secure, confident in us, less bitchy, and I was able to let go of some of the petty annoyances I was holding on to.
And, second most important, Take care of you. You are the main deal the first year (IMO). If you need some quiet time with LO, claim the need to nurse and sneak away. A few months in, let DH take LO to see the IL's on his own so you don't have to endure it. Don't second guess your decisions because of their feelings. Vent to a close girl friend, and reserve the right to have who you want in the hospital (until after you have moved to recovery, then you pretty much have to suck it up and let them come).
Sorry that was long!!! So long! I feel really passionately about the whole MIL thing. our kids benefit so much from relationships wight heir grandparents, and more so if there is less tension. Good luck!

[seventythree]

Thank you @gfj48 for starting this thread, and to all who have contributed. Thank you for being so candid and thoughtful about your own experiences, it really does help to read how others have handled their particular situations. As much as our families all have their individual problems and quirks, it's nice to know that these experiences are kind of universal and that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

As a FTM I can't offer up any experience of my own, but I can commiserate as someone who is also stressed out about the in-law relationship with respect to myself, this LO, and our little family unit as a whole. I like the term beezybaby used: I would say that right now I have a good but superficial relationship with my MIL. I'm worried about how that will affect us going forward, because I KNOW things will change with the arrival of this LO and the last thing I want is for it to become me vs her (or worse, me vs DH vs MIL). DH's family is very different from my own (to super-generalize: not nearly as close), and for me the inevitable comparison game is exacerbated by the fact that my own parents have passed.

... Alright, I'm not really able to finish that thought in any sort of a concise or cohesive manner. After much typing, much deleting, and much crying, I see that this is great fodder for my therapy session tomorrow morning. Sorry if this is a weird post, I've just spent so much time typing in this stupid box that it feels wrong to leave without saying anything.

[Starbuck128]

seventythree *hugs* I can't imagine how stressful your IL relationship must be for you, and how many mixed emotions this pregnancy must bring up. I you feel better tomorrow.

One thing I've noticed a lot over on that other site is that the IL relationship post baby is often very different than what the new moms expected. I know it's impossible not to worry about the ILs, but there's no way to predict what will happen with them. This is a life changing event for them too. They will be different than the ILs you knew pre baby.

[Deleted]

I don't have many issues with my in-laws and this is why. Early in our relationship l, before we moved in together, BIL and wife were having issues with my in-laws. I saw the train wreck and expressed to them exactly how I felt about it. I made sure they knew that if their son and I were to continue that would not fly. After we moved in and started a a family I would notice where they would cross the line here and there. We had a huge argument and I set them straight. Problem solved.

Another thing that really helped is that DH has never put their feeling before mines. I am his priority and he has stated to then that whatever makes me happy is what goes. He one of those "that's my wife and that's the bottom line" type guys. He's very over protective about the kids and I; so I don't feel like I'm fighting against both DH and the in laws.

You must set boundaries and as pp said DH needs to be on board too. Let your feelings be known from the beginning. For example if your MIL says she's taking care if baby after birth and you are not okay with that don't just brush it off, let it be known right then that it's not an option. This helps keeps boundaries clear and also avoids in-laws taking your silence or politeness for an acceptance.

[emu0013]

Ok, this may be long, because I could go ON AND ON AND ON......DH and I have been together since 1999 and DH is Canadian, I was from Michigan, so 45 min away. DH never really had a close relationship with his mom, she left him, his brother and sister when they were all under 7 and moved in with a man she was having an affair with. Honestly, DH has never really forgiven her, she is married to this man, who is dumb as rocks, rarely works, gets fired etc. They rarely bothered with us from 1999 until 2012 when DD was born. DH moved to the US in 2005 and from 05-12 they came to hour house 3 times. (one being for our wedding) I am very close to my family and my parents moved to NC and we are also very close to DH's dad. When DH told them I was pregnant, MIL began to txt me non stop and if I didn't answer with in 5 min, I got an eamil, facebook message, and usually phone call. I repeatedly told her I work and can not always answer right away. They wanted to be there for the birth; DH told her US hospitals were different and no one was allowed in the mat ward. She flipped when she saw pics of us with my 2 best friends from middle school, and DH's dad. We got home from the hospital they were sitting on our porch. It was then the trouble really started, she wanted to come over during the week and on the weekends when I was on LOA, then when I went back to work they wanted to come every weekend. They never showed up on time, always at-least 2 hours late, claiming the border was busy, but really they don't like to get up early. (You can check border delays etc online) After the last 2 visits they were really late and we had plans and packed DD up and said we had plans after their 30 min visit, DH told them they could not come every weekend any longer we needed family time, his mom cried, like she does all the time. We never let her babysit DD EVER, because she is seriously crazy, when DD was 9 mo old she gave her an earring to play with, WTF. They had been invited to Christmas for several years and declined every year saying they were tired and it was a long drive, but when DD was born they came and it was uncomfortable for everyone. Then DH accepted a job in NH, and she really flipped her lid. DH moved to NH in May, while his dad and him got the house ready to sell, and we started looking for houses here. I was basically a single mom during the week, working 65 hours per week, with DD who was still up twice a night. His mom never offered to help or come over, just demanded she come every weekend, which we said NO it was not appropriate for her to be there when his dad was there doing work. DD was in NH M-F from May to September when me and dd joined. Finally I told her off, lost it on her, told her she was selfish, everything went around her schedule, and she was too demanding, and that she was not to call, text, email or FB me again. IF she needed something she was to contact DH and if he didn't respond it was not my problem. It seems I have to tell her off a couple of times a year so she backs off. They wanted to come visit last summer over 4th of JUly which sucked but we said OK. Then she text me she wanted DH to buy their plane tickets, I about went though our roof, so DH knew he was not buying them tickets. So to save $20 they flew into Boston airport rather than the one 20 min from our house during rush hour, it took DH 2.5 hours to get there to get them, and 1 hour 45 min to get home. Then their flight out was for 6:15 am, DH had to leave the house at 2:30 am to take them. I was furious. I told them they could fly into Manchester like every one else or not visit. While they were here they acted like they were at an all inclusive resort, not picking up their dishes, sleeping till 10 then taking afternoon naps, sitting in my backyard drinking beer all day long with their feet in DDs pool, because even though I work at home, we sent DD to school except the days I was off for the holiday. I ended up with Pink eye, went to the dr for drops and they were calling my cell from the house phone, I had 5 missed calls when I left the doctor, and when I called, they asked me at 10 am to pick them up a case of beer. I seriously flipped. I worked all day, then cooked them dinner, then cleaned up dinner, bathed DD and they sat on their asses the whole time. Then we got our direct tv bill after they left and they ordered 7 movies after DH and I went to bed at 6.99 a pop. WTF. I seriously can not stand her. At Christmas, she asked me to purchase some things for DD and she would pay me, because Kohls doesn't accept Canadian credit cards, I should have known better because there is always some issue when I purchase things for her. She then tried to send me some Canadian email wire transfer that requires a Canadian bank and address to deposit. I told her I could not access it and it was short $ as well and I needed US money since we can not spend Canadian money here. She insisted it went though, basically accusing me of stealing her $. That was the last straw once again, and she has now been instructed to contact DH if she needs something and I have not really heard from her since Christmas and its marvelous!

GOOD LUCK!

[Deleted]

@gfj48 I can DEF understand. It's hard because you don't want to be the bad guy and make DH go against his family but you also want to make your point. In law situations are always sticky. I'm sure it will click after baby; having a baby changes men in a very unique way. Especially when they are in a happy relationship. You guys will be fine!

[rocksforludo]

Feb 5, 2015 0:53:11 GMT -5 seventythree said:

Thank you @gfj48 for starting this thread, and to all who have contributed. Thank you for being so candid and thoughtful about your own experiences, it really does help to read how others have handled their particular situations. As much as our families all have their individual problems and quirks, it's nice to know that these experiences are kind of universal and that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

As a FTM I can't offer up any experience of my own, but I can commiserate as someone who is also stressed out about the in-law relationship with respect to myself, this LO, and our little family unit as a whole. I like the term beezybaby used: I would say that right now I have a good but superficial relationship with my MIL. I'm worried about how that will affect us going forward, because I KNOW things will change with the arrival of this LO and the last thing I want is for it to become me vs her (or worse, me vs DH vs MIL). DH's family is very different from my own (to super-generalize: not nearly as close), and for me the inevitable comparison game is exacerbated by the fact that my own parents have passed.

... Alright, I'm not really able to finish that thought in any sort of a concise or cohesive manner. After much typing, much deleting, and much crying, I see that this is great fodder for my therapy session tomorrow morning. Sorry if this is a weird post, I've just spent so much time typing in this stupid box that it feels wrong to leave without saying anything.

I agree that it's very helpful to know this is pretty common.  My closest two girlfriends have pretty good relationships with their MILs so sometimes I feel like I'm on my own with this stuff.  (They also get free childcare from MILs several days a week, so they also let more go because MILs are helping them out so much).  Thanks to everyone for being so honest.  It's been great reading the different approaches that people take.

[miraclebbye]

Feb 5, 2015 6:49:48 GMT -5 @ajzmommy said:

I don't have many issues with my in-laws and this is why. Early in our relationship l, before we moved in together, BIL and wife were having issues with my in-laws. I saw the train wreck and expressed to them exactly how I felt about it. I made sure they knew that if their son and I were to continue that would not fly. After we moved in and started a a family I would notice where they would cross the line here and there. We had a huge argument and I set them straight. Problem solved.

Another thing that really helped is that DH has never put their feeling before mines. I am his priority and he has stated to then that whatever makes me happy is what goes. He one of those "that's my wife and that's the bottom line" type guys. He's very over protective about the kids and I; so I don't feel like I'm fighting against both DH and the in laws.

You must set boundaries and as pp said DH needs to be on board too. Let your feelings be known from the beginning. For example if your MIL says she's taking care if baby after birth and you are not okay with that don't just brush it off, let it be known right then that it's not an option. This helps keeps boundaries clear and also avoids in-laws taking your silence or politeness for an acceptance.

Sadly when you have a ridiculous MIL like mine, no amount of discussing, foot planting, DH backing will make her cooperate. She does as she pleases. Shes been cut off numerous times with very clear reasons why, and just when you think she might have heard you, BAM, that door is closed again. My MIL is very aware of how we feel and what is acceptable, frankly she doesnt care.

Picking my battles, biting my tongue, skipping visits, and making DH handle her has been the closest to "ok" as it gets.

Just take each visit in stride @gfj48, walk in with a smile hoping for great and hope they do the same.

[prater2011]

Feb 4, 2015 17:04:21 GMT -5 @gfj48 said:

Don't flame me for this please. I know they have to be a part of my child's life and they will be - I'm just basically getting my feelings out and hopefully gathering in sight from BTDT mom's

How do you put your feelings aside to allow your in-laws be a part of your LO(s) life?

Do you feel you have to balance time with your family & in-laws evenly?

I'm just having a really hard time adjusting to how much more I might have to see my in-laws. I'm a selfish person to begin with (I'm an only child & don't share well) so I am struggling with how I'll be able to let these people I can't stand have time with my child. I know my MIL won't want to listen to any "rules" we have which also makes me already angry!

Also, I'm like abnormally close with my family. I talk to my mom all day while at work via email/text and then I talk to her every night on my drive home from work. We also facetime & send pictures a lot (MIL has a dinosaur phone so that isn't an option with her). My mom is one of 7 kids and my whole life I was lumped in with my aunts/uncles as one of my Grandma's kids and I have many cousins who I try to talk to at least weekly.

We live 3 hours from family (both our families live in the same town) so I know when we go home for visits it will be really hard for me to not see my family (with Jackson) so his family can see him.

I'm rambling now, but I am really worrying about these things...

Did anyone struggle with any of this? If so, did you get over it? How did you make it work with in-law/grandparents?

I'm not sure where I stand in my own situation enough to give you any sound advice. However, just know that, as evident by your responses, you are making good choices and trying to do the right thing for your child. My situation is quite lengthy so I will try and paraphrase. My MIL died 1 month after our wedding. FIL did not start dating until well over a year later. Started dating a great woman. We were all a little "weirded out" at first but grew to love her and she loved us all very much and never let us forget MIL. FF about 6 months later and and FIL drops the girlfriend and starts dating a younger (but still in her late 40s) woman who wanted nothing to do with the kids and the rest of the family. Literally turned FIL against us all. He saw DD EVERY DAY for the first 6 months of her life and then went 6 months with seeing her once, all while living 1 mile away. There were a lot of horrible things said by FIL and girlfriend to DH and his siblings and we all stopped talking. They ran off and got married in Hawaii thinking we would accept her after that. MY SIL's both want a relationship with their dad DH is still very angry and won't speak to him and I feel it is important for my children to know their grandfather, especially since they are unable to know the amazing person that was their grandmother. In the last 3 months FIL has been texting occasionally and trying to see us all, and his wife has been still bitter and shows she doesn't like us. I am just trying to let him get to know his granddaughter and hope that wifey comes around to the realization that her husbands family is amazing and she is missing out on a lot by treating us so terribly. 
Sorry that was so long, I'd like to add that not a day goes by that I don't want to scratch her eyeballs out and I don't like the mere thought of her even looking at my children. But like it or not, she is in the family. I don't have to like her, but I do have to help foster the relationship of my children and their grandfather. I doubt any of this really helps, but thank you for asking a tough question, I know your question and all these responses have helped me. So thanks!

ETA: just so you can get a better picture of wifey: she threw away FIL and MIL wedding album, all pictures of MIL that were left in the house and made FIL remove his name for MIL's tombstone. When around her you are not allowed to mention MIL's name or talk about kids growing up days because that would go back to a time when MIL were alive. Wifey seems to think MIL is going to steal FIL from her from beyond the grave. It really is a very sad and confusing situation. 

[psmomma718]

I did not have the greatest relationship with my MIL, she's unreliable, can be really manipulative, and I honestly resent her for what she has done to DH his whole life. But at the end of the day, she's DH's mom and he wants to have a relationship with her so I have to remind myself of that.

What's helped with DD is to go in to visits or family outings with a positive attitude and emotionally prepared to let the little things go. I try not to discuss anything or show any ill feelings in front of DD because I don't want to influence her relationship with her grandma. I will let her make her own observations and her own decisions as she grows up. MIL is still super unreliable and flaky when she makes plans with DD, so it's heartbreaking to try to explain that grandma just didn't show up, but I'm sure everything is ok and we'll see her some other time. The only times I really set my foot down are on things that will harm DD, for example we don't let DD stay unsupervised with MIL at their house because MIL allows her BF to smoke in the house. But in those instances DH and I discuss it and get on the same page before confronting her.

These situations are tricky to navigate, and there's definitely no manual. All I can say is allow your LO to have a relationship with the in laws, but set your foot down when you need to and you will know when you need protect your LO. GL.

[willadiesel814]

Feb 5, 2015 6:53:50 GMT -5 @gfj48 said:

@ajzmommy I'm definitely not silent. I guess I'm just exhausted from always being the one to speak up. DH gets super defensive when I try to discuss things because they're his parents. He'll always say "what if I said this about your mom" and i just have to remind him 1000 times my mom would never do these things OR I wouldn't keep quiet about it so he'd never be in the position to deal with it.

I am really hoping once the baby is here something will click with DH like "oh yep she was right this is my family now"

This is completely DH and I also.  Whenever I bring something up it was that I took it wrong, that his mom didn't mean it, etc, etc.   His mom and I had it once.... the whole she-bang, crying, yelling, etc and I expressed my feelings.  Things got better for a while, then are back to how they were.  I just have an issue HAVING to be a part of someone's life who only has time for us when it is convenient for them.  However, it sometimes works for my advantage because DS only has to go there or see them every 1-2 months.

Again no helpful advice, but just know that some of us are right there with you.