AW: Well, today sucked

[iheartbroccoli]

Today was so much worse than I thought it would be.


****trigger OPPs/kids****

We skipped church because they were having an egg decorating/hunt for kids before service and I couldn't stand the thought of seeing all of the kids playing without mine.

And so we went to our son's grave instead, and discovered his gravestone hasn't been placed. We were told it would take 8 weeks to come in, and it's been exactly 8 weeks now since we placed the order. They said it should be here any day now. I'm just disappointed it wasn't in by today.

I shouldn't be standing over my baby's grave instead of doing an Easter egg hunt.

So then we went home, and I curled up in bed and made the mistake of checking instagram and saw two pregnancy announcements, making the total for this weekend 3. I'm happy for them, but so sad. I cried for awhile and for the first time, felt a little bitter about someone else being pregnant. It's not fair. I don't understand why they get a child and I dont.I wouldn't wish what we went through on our worst enemy, but I really wish they weren't pregnant.

And I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way.

****end trigger****

And then we made the wonderful decision of doing our taxes and the "did you have any kids" question brought me to tears for about the 10th time today.

Sigh.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I knew you ladies would understand.

I hope you're all doing well, and take care of yourself.

[rslh10]

I'm so sorry you had a rough day. It was hard for me, too. You're not alone in your sadness today (or any day). I'm so sorry it's taking so long to get sweet theo's gravestone. I hope that it is placed very soon and that you and your H can go out and see how beautifully it turned out.

It's very hard for me to get on IG. I have unfollowed pretty much everyone I know and love from this board. The announcements..I can't even. I don't know how I'll handle my first one. They are going to always be hard. I think no matter what, they will hurt. I know I won't "announce" with my next one and that makes it sting a little more, too. You're allowed to be happy for them and sad for you at the same time. I feel like it's always going to be that way now, rainbow baby or not.

Your feelings are normal. You're allowed to feel whatever it is that you feel. Xoxox ((hugs))

[shandorfml2]

Understand. (((hugs))). I had a really hard time with pregnancy announcements too.

[iheartbroccoli]

Thank you rslh10 and shandorfml2. It's nice to know there are other people who get it, though I wish we didn't.

rslh10 I feel the same way about announcements now. I feel like they will always remind me of what I don't have. I get why people do it, but man it is painful.

I feel silly for being upset about the gravestone, but it's also one of the few things I get to do for him and I don't like his grave not being marked. Ugh, it sucks that we even have to think about these kind of things!

[snowbigdeal]

Giant hugs. I'm sorry you had such a rough day.

I will always and forever have a hard time hearing other people's pregnancy announcements, for, like, a million different reasons...jealous that they will probably end up with a healthy baby, jealous that they will likely have a carefree, blissfully ignorant pregnancy that I will never again be able to have, just basically jealous with a side of bitter. And I also feel so guilty about it. It sucks that it is something we all have to live with

I hope the grave marker arrives soon. I'm sorry it wasn't there for you when you were hoping it would be.

[wrenofthesea]

I am sorry that you had such a hard day. I remember doing my taxes and the question of whether you had any kids was really hard- Yes I did but I guess no I didn't according to what the IRS wants...

I don't think it is silly to be upset about the gravestone. It is important to you and I hope that it comes soon.

Other people's announcements and sex/gender reveals and all those things are tough. It is never fair that we have had to say goodbye to our children and our innocence that every pregnancy will result in a living healthy child once you get past a certain point. I would never wish this heartbreak on anyone, it just hurts that others get to be so lucky and happy.

[flutterfly88]

I'm so sorry it was such a hard day and I hope Theo's marker comes soon. Don't feel silly about being upset. I remember how hard it was waiting for my Parker's to be installed. It took us almost 10 months to get it ordered and it was finally in place just after his 1st birthday (so a little shy of his 1 yr burial date). But it was the last big thing we would ever get to do for him, so it had to be perfect. Can the cemetery call you after it's been placed?

I think pregnancy announcements will always be hard, at least a little bit. Especially from people who haven't been in our place and get to have pregnancy innocence.
(((Hugs)))

[iheartbroccoli]

Thank you everyone for the support! I'm so grateful I have you to turn to about these things.

snowbigdeal, wrenofthesea, flutterfly88 Yes, I want that innocence/naiveté surrounding pregnancy again. Even if we are able to have another child, pregnancies will always be tainted for me because in the back of my mind, I'll always know that a healthy baby isn't guaranteed.

[littleowl913]

hugs iheartbroccoli. Holidays are tough. Definitely call the cemetery to find out when Theo's marker is coming in. The cemetery where Ronin is buried put a note in the file to contact us when it was placed.

[iheartbroccoli]

littleowl913 Thanks. I later did ask them to let me know when it comes in and will be placed.