Opinions Requested: Family Social Media Drama

[kh826]

Ok, I will try to make a long story a little less long here, but please hang in there with me. I am looking for some opinions and insights on this one...

My youngest sister, L, just turned 20. While she is very mature in some ways, she is also very immature in other ways. She and J have clashed a bit in recent years, mostly because J feels L doesn't respect parenting boundaries about our kids. J isn't wrong, but I struggle with "starting WWIII" over most issues because we only see my family a couple times a year and keeping peace is important to me. The dynamic with my mom, my sisters and I is complicated to put it mildly. My mother is very sensitive, takes things ultra personally, and will always side with L no matter what. She also likes to nose her way into sister drama and add her two cents. There is virtually no way to address an issue with just L and not include my mom and other sister. It will become a battle, and I hate conflict. So I usually avoid addressing issues with them like the plague.

Ok, so here's the current situation... L is a huge social media junky. She actually isn't as crazy with FB (I think because she is friends with our whole family there), but she is big on Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. I am only on FB, I don't have those other accounts and I have no desire to start. J has FB and Instagram, but not the others. After William was born, it came to our attention that L was frequently posting pics and videos (that I would send her via text or email) on all of her social media pages. She has thousands nd thousands of followers that include many people that she doesn't actually know. Now, to her, she was a teenager who loved her nephew and just wanted to "brag about his cuteness" -- but it didn't sit well with J or myself. We finally talked to her about in last Thanksgiving and told her we would prefer if she only posted on FB where we could both see what she posts and know who sees it. She said she understood and agreed.

Since then she has blocked J on Instagram, and J has requested to follow her 3 times since and all three requests have been denied. J is pretty angry. The straw that broke the camels back was last weekend when L was here visiting, she posted a pic of William on FB that had a Snapchat filter on it. J says it's proof that she has been posting pics elsewhere even though she agreed not to (I didn't even know what a snapchat filter was!).

So, L is supposed to come here for a week at the end of May to babysit when J and I go to a wedding and stay for a week to help with the kids while we move. J now has a lot of concerns about her coming. J also has concerns about me sharing any pics of the kids with my family until we address this.

My family will say that we are overreacting and L will never understand how she is overstepping and is wrong to be posting against our requests not to.

It is true that J and I post a lot on FB, but we both have small groups of friends who are our actual friends and we have privacy settings that make us feel more comfortable. At the end of the day, we just feel that as their parents it is our decision what to post and where and not anyone else's. J feels disrespected, and I don't blame her.

The problem is, when I mention this to my family, it will blow up. They aren't really reasonable people about things like this...

So, thoughts? Anyone been in a similar situation?

Thanks for reading all that!

[rikkiandjulie]

We have had this discussion a lot lately, especially bc our new nephew has been born, and we want to respect the wishes of the parents, later we found out they don't care at all where we post photos, but this is also bc the mother has all the same accounts as us, so she sees what we post.

With that being said, I am also very private and protective. I have already had the discussion that if we don't have a social media account, you can't post anything with my siblings. They agreed. I also told them that if we requested it be removed they do so.

My mom is always siding with the other sister (I have two younger) but she does it with all of us. If sister 2 complains about me, than she will defend me, if I complain about sister 2, she will defend sister 2. She's always trying to keep the peace.

However, with that said, you've already asked her NOT to post anywhere other than Facebook, so reminding her should do no harm.

It IS possible that used snapchat to take the photograph, apply the filter, save the image to her phone, and NOT share it on snapchat I do that all the time bc the filters are cute. Just throwing it out there, bc it is a real possibility.

[kona]

I think you need to do what is right for your family. If you and J have decided that you do not want you kids posted on social media other than facebook, then the rest of your family should respect that. I understand family dynamics are tough but this is just another parenting decision you have made and a rule you need to enforce. J will probably respect you and appreciate you going to bat for her (and you) with your mom and sisters if this is not an issue you are willing to concede.

We had some issues with boundaries and our mother's that got much worse once O was born. M really wanted to say something to mom about it and I did. I have seen a change in my mom for the better since then. The off handed snide comments have not disappeared but she does respect our boundaries more and is more respectful in general that O is our child are we are her parents.

I hope that you come to a resolution with your mom and sisters and that J appreciates any effort you put forth to speak to your family. I found the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud to be somewhat helpful if you are interested in reading about family dynamics and boundaries.

[karlamo]

I defniately think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your family. If this is your parenting hill to die on, then they need to know where you stand. If they don't respect your request and again if this is a big parenting decision of yours, then I'd stopped texting photos and start mailing pictures the old fashion way. They'll still get the pictures you want to share, just not in digital form. If this isn't your hill then you will have to be comfortable knowing that any pictures/videos that you share with them, will probably be posted.

Your sister is a kid herself so I'm not surprised she doesn't understand your concerns about it. She grew up with the Internet so to her it's no big deal. I don't like how rude she is by denying your wife's follower request. If I couldn't see what she was posting, then I wouldn't be sharing anything with her.

My wife and I are similar where we don't post certain types of photos of our kids, like them nude. I never post pictures of my lo's on TCF either because you can't control who views them. I'm so extreme that I wouldn't even let my daycare post pictures of my kids on their FB page! I'm all set with people knowing my kids name and the address where they're at. Paranoid, party of one.

[firstcomeslove2013]

If this is your battle then stand your ground! C and I are somewhat okay with H's photos being online. C is a big poster and we have a cousin who is an overshare photo person but we monitor what she puts up and don't let her get too crazy.

I don't post a lot but that's because I don't post a lot...BUT we did have other parenting battles that I will bleed and die over (not to sound dramatic about it). If that is this for you...then it is 100% appropriate to ask your sister to seriously knock it off and to hold to that ground. Confrontation isn't easy for anyone but be respectful, stick to your feelings and hold your ground.


Good luck, let us know what happens.

[2brides]

Totally agree with PPs. I HATE conflict and L always feels I put my bio family before my nuclear family in order not to rock the boat. Buuuuuut....if you have already asked your sister not to post the pictures and she isn't following your wishes, I would have a big issue. Your family. Your kids. Your decision.

good luck!

[kh826]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the feedback and support. J and I have decided to FaceTime her together and talk to her before she comes in May to set some boundaries and address the issue. She will have to unblock J so that she can see what she posts everywhere.

I don't know that this is my hill to die on to be completely honest, but I think it might be J's so I will support her 100% on this. For me, it more about the fact that we already talked to her about this and she agreed not to post elsewhere and has done so anyway and blocked J. It's the disrespect that really bothers me.

Hopefully the conversation will go well and we can avoid a major battle...

[lv2016]

100% agree with everything @suesposa said. Not much else to add except that I think that having children is one of the few times people are allowed to make requests of others without compromise - no matter how much the non-parents in question disagree.

Although my wife and I don't yet have kids, we've gone through some boundary issues with her Mom in the past. Things are better now, but I know we'll likely have to stand our ground (with love) once we do have a baby, because I predict she'll go nuts with excitement and be super overbearing.