grandparents and the carseat

[angelsnight]

Despite being a broken record, the grandparents can never seem to remember that the shoulder straps need to be as high up on the shoulders as possible, and the chest clip needs to be up on her chest, not her belly.

Anytime I am with them and they buckle LO in, I always double check it and 99% of the time I have to adjust the chest clip, and I have mentioned it several times, but they don't seem to get it and there are times that they strap her in and drive with her when I am not there.

How can I drive it home so that they buckle her in correctly, but without being blatantly rude and tell them, you're fucking doing it wrong?  I know my LO's safety is more important than being polite, but still, it's hard for me to confrontational like that.

[Deleted]

Tell them they cant drive her if they cant do it. There was like 4 months where my mom wasnt aloud to take my oldest because she was doing the same. I may have also yelled at her that if she got in an accident my son was dead and it would have been 100% her fault.

[bandteacher]

Your LO's safety is top priority, of course. I would just say, "Come here so I can show you how to do this." Be very explicit about how it's done and make them show you they can do it.

[bandteacher]

Feb 4, 2015 22:19:35 GMT -5 @notyourmom said:

Tell them they cant drive her if they cant do it. There was like 4 months where my mom wasnt aloud to take my oldest because she was doing the same. I may have also yelled at her that if she got in an accident my son was dead and it would have been 100% her fault.

That's a little much.

[Deleted]

Feb 4, 2015 22:20:33 GMT -5 bandteacher said:

Feb 4, 2015 22:19:35 GMT -5 @notyourmom said:

Tell them they cant drive her if they cant do it. There was like 4 months where my mom wasnt aloud to take my oldest because she was doing the same. I may have also yelled at her that if she got in an accident my son was dead and it would have been 100% her fault.

That's a little much.

No, its not.

[Deleted]

Trigger warning:

www.thedenverchannel.com/news/mom-shares-car-seat-concern-after-sons-death-11-month-old-cameron-ejected-when-chest-buckle-broke11282014

www.wltz.com/story/18848437/police-say-improper-use-of-car-seats-could-have-caused-childs-death

www.jrn.com/fox47news/news/Grand-Ledge-Mom-Gets-Prison-Time-for-Causing-Daughters-Death-289177191.html?lc=Smart

fox2now.com/2014/05/21/decatur-babys-death-result-of-faulty-car-seat-use/

m.woai.com/articles/woai-local-news-sponsored-by-five-119078/death-oftwo-children-in-suv-roll-12156964

m.ksl.com/index/story/sid/27912884?mobile_direct=y

I mean do we really need to argue improper car seat use cannot lead to death? Really??

[fish8412]

Feb 4, 2015 22:21:28 GMT -5 @notyourmom said:

Feb 4, 2015 22:20:33 GMT -5 bandteacher said:

That's a little much.

No, its not.

Yeah I totally agree with @notyourmom  

If someone can't properly buckle a baby/child into his/her car seat, then they shouldn't be driving around with children.

[Deleted]

Unlike adults- children rely on the adults to ensure they are in their seats safely. If your child is in an accident and dies for stupid shit like that first story it is your fault (meaning the fault of the dumbass who strapped that kid in) It sucks- but you are responsible to ensure their safety. And especially with car seat safety I don't screw around with that- ever.

[fish8412]

You need to be upfront with them and that is NOT being rude at all. You are concerned for your child's safety. Tell them that they need to buckle LO in correctly, or they can't drive her. There are going to be many more times that you will have to speak up for your child, so go ahead and start getting used to it now.

If you really can't deal with confrontation, then maybe take a picture of LO buckled in correctly and tape it to the car window as a reference?

[bandteacher]

I think there's a big difference in teaching them how to do it and being nasty about it. I'm a stickler on car seat safety, especially with the grandparents. They know how to do it right and I've never had to be mean about it.

[redwine410]

Tbh, now that we have kids, confrontation is just a part of life. The only thing you can do is confront them and have a discussion about it.

[Deleted]

Feb 4, 2015 22:57:05 GMT -5 bandteacher said:

I think there's a big difference in teaching them how to do it and being nasty about it. I'm a stickler on car seat safety, especially with the grandparents. They know how to do it right and I've never had to be mean about it.

Some people don't get it when you're nice about it. Once I said that she did it right every time after that because she got the point.

Edit: if everyone did it when everyone was nice then op wouldn't be posting this and I wouldn't have had to say that to my mom. That should be obvious.

[bennieangel]

We haven't let anyone else drive him yet. Are we the only ones? Mh or I have always put him in his seat. That said - I wouldn't hesitate to correct or confront when it comes to this either.

[disneyaddict1]

Feb 4, 2015 23:19:13 GMT -5 bennieangel said:

We haven't let anyone else drive him yet. Are we the only ones? Mh or I have always put him in his seat. That said - I wouldn't hesitate to correct or confront when it comes to this either.

Nope. No one has had a reason to drive LO around yet. But DS1 goes with his grandparents on occasion. They made fun of the 5 point harness being some crazy contraption but they understand the importance of it.

[kewii]

Feb 4, 2015 22:20:33 GMT -5 bandteacher said:

Feb 4, 2015 22:19:35 GMT -5 @notyourmom said:

Tell them they cant drive her if they cant do it. There was like 4 months where my mom wasnt aloud to take my oldest because she was doing the same. I may have also yelled at her that if she got in an accident my son was dead and it would have been 100% her fault.

That's a little much.

I'm on board with the no driving if they can't use the seat correctly.  Not so on board with the yelling at her that she's going to be responsible for killing your baby part.  That part is a little much for me.

[angelsnight]

Yeah you're all right, it needs to be talked about. I think next time one of them drives her somewhere I'll have them buckle her in and if they don't do it right I'll show them again. I just hate having to tell people who have been parents 35 plus years longer than me how to do something, but she's my kid and I am responsible for keeping her safe and making sure others keep her safe.

[orriskitten]

Feb 5, 2015 2:31:26 GMT -5 angelsnight said:

Yeah you're all right, it needs to be talked about. I think next time one of them drives her somewhere I'll have them buckle her in and if they don't do it right I'll show them again. I just hate having to tell people who have been parents 35 plus years longer than me how to do something, but she's my kid and I am responsible for keeping her safe and making sure others keep her safe.

To be fair, regardless of the length of time they've been parents, things change. 35 years ago they encouraged parents at 1 month to get their kid past their gag reflex and start solids. Learning and adapting only makes for better (grand)parents if they are flippant, it's easy to calmly explain things change and sorry it's not how it used to be, but if they want to help in their grandchildren's life, it has to be done properly.

[jtizzay]

No driving unless it's right. No exceptions. It's not mean to be matter of fact.

bennieangel we are the only ones who have driven her but that's more a function of being in NYC than anything else although it would make me nervous

[jtizzay]

@highpeak I told my mil that being involved was a privelege and not a right. She thought I was being mean and did things I told her we're not ok w the baby. She's not allowed to be alone w her anymore. And she knows it. Her behavior did a 180 and now the "control" is back with me. Exactly where it should be.

Disclaimer. My nil is crazy. I am not. She took my kid and didn't answer the phone and then said "b wanted us too". Not ok

[katka512]

Feb 4, 2015 23:19:13 GMT -5 bennieangel said:

We haven't let anyone else drive him yet. Are we the only ones? Mh or I have always put him in his seat. That said - I wouldn't hesitate to correct or confront when it comes to this either.

We are the only ones who have driven lo too. There's never been a reason for someone else to, plus I'm incredibly nervous about it.
We are going to visit my parents soon and I'm worried the car seat won't be installed tightly enough and we'll have to have that discussion as soon as we get there.

[yankeepeach]

I'm with the majority here, Big Girl Panties and tell them the rules. If you tell them and they do not listen (what ever your rule is) it is a simple "I'm feeling disrespected as a parent and until you can respect and follow my wishes you will not be put in (whatever situation) with LO"

adults shouldn't need to be shown how to buckle a car seat more than once or twice.

[RandomName]

We are the only ones who have driven LO, mostly bc there is no need for someone else to. Car seat safety is a top priority for me so I would confront it head on. Be polite show them the correct way. If they still aren't listening, remove the privilege, be forceful, be mean, be direct - whichever it takes. It's your job as the parent to advocate safety for your child.

[Deleted]

Feb 5, 2015 6:05:23 GMT -5 jtizzay said:

@highpeak I told my mil that being involved was a privelege and not a right. She thought I was being mean and did things I told her we're not ok w the baby. She's not allowed to be alone w her anymore. And she knows it. Her behavior did a 180 and now the "control" is back with me. Exactly where it should be.

Disclaimer. My nil is crazy. I am not. She took my kid and didn't answer the phone and then said "b wanted us too". Not ok

I have repeatedly told MIL this. When I took my kids last week and she was asking where me and the kids were I made it a point to tell her that she lost her privilege to my kids and information about them. My mom and MIL don't like this philosophy but my mom is grateful I have it after what MIl did to the kids and I and gets it now. (She didnt when we were up there)

[monster]

I'm all about carseat safety too. LO hasn't gone in a car with anyone except us either. When it comes time to that I will definitely give them a lesson and have them try it a few times to make sure they know how as well as emphasize why this is important- I had to do this with MH as well because he was worried about making it too tight.

I don't think yelling is a great way to get your point across either. It seems extreme, rude and completely unnecessary. Maybe I am lucky and deal with the right kind of people, but I have never had to resort to yelling or threatening to get my message across. If someone does something I don't like or agree with I talk to them about it. If there was a situation like OP I just wouldn't have them drive LO anywhere if they couldn't get it right.

[Deleted]

I say if you have already said something multiple times, it's time to get a little forceful with it. Do whatever it takes to get the point across now bc once your child is dead it's too late. That's morbid but if you don't step up and make it clear now you're taking that risk every time your LO is with them.

My H just had a long talk with his dad about his mom. He felt entitled to visit whenever and do whatever while she is here. When we told her he couldn't visit that much she sent a letter and bad mouthed my parents and said it wasn't fair that she couldn't visit when she wanted. What isn't fair is that my son is having to do intense summer school (we always do math & LA through the summer but not every subject) this year because we have had to take so many breaks with his school to accommodate everyone's visits. She has changed her tune since that conversation and I'm grateful bc our relationship used to be really good.

Edit: bc my phone is stupid and autocorrects everything!

[redwine410]

I think you can only say so much in a nice tone before you have to get rude or forceful. I've had to get snippy before with my MIL because I'll say things nicely and she'll push and push and push until I have no choice but to snip to shut her up. Some people you just have to be that way with. I'm sure @notyourmom did not resort immediately to yelling at her mom.

[Deleted]

This is a little off topic except to the yelling part
*warning trigger injury*

A neighbor of mine had a c-section. Her mother was carrying her 2day old down the stairs. And fell. And dropped the baby on the hardwood floor. He had / has severe brain injury. That was 8 years ago.

The point is YES ensure your parents/caregivers, etc KNOW how and FOLLOW safety guidelines with car seats. Yelling? if it is necessary to be nasty about how and why for car seats then that person is not only not the right person to drive my child around but to be alone with the child.

Accidents, horrible, tragic accidents occur. Yes, following safety guidelines is not an up for argument conversation. But dear God imagine if something truly accidental happened... I just cannot with the yelling, etc of a parent/caregiver

[fish8412]

Feb 4, 2015 23:19:13 GMT -5 bennieangel said:

We haven't let anyone else drive him yet. Are we the only ones? Mh or I have always put him in his seat. That said - I wouldn't hesitate to correct or confront when it comes to this either.

No one else drives with LO either

[Deleted]

Feb 5, 2015 10:50:11 GMT -5 @kellbell said:

This is a little off topic except to the yelling part
*warning trigger injury*

A neighbor of mine had a c-section. Her mother was carrying her 2day old down the stairs. And fell. And dropped the baby on the hardwood floor. He had / has severe brain injury. That was 8 years ago.

The point is YES ensure your parents/caregivers, etc KNOW how and FOLLOW safety guidelines with car seats. Yelling? if it is necessary to be nasty about how and why for car seats then that person is not only not the right person to drive my child around but to be alone with the child.

Accidents, horrible, tragic accidents occur. Yes, following safety guidelines is not an up for argument conversation. But dear God imagine if something truly accidental happened... I just cannot with the yelling, etc of a parent/caregiver

This is why my mom was not aloud to take DS1 out. And the "yelling" was a heated argument me and her had about carseat safety.

History: She got into an accident with her seat for him in the car and was fighting me on replacing it. It wasn't even secured in the car even though he wasn't in it- that is no no #1.
She was pissed that she couldn't take him somewhere with out a new seat and that I was making her waste her money. My mom sometimes doesn't listen to reason. We got into a literal argument about it- both of us, voices raised.

And I have raised my voice to my grandmother, mother, MIl, FIL, BIL and Husband over the safety of my kids when they are out of line and are not listening to the nice mom talk. IDGAF if someone thinks thats uncivilized- its not like I jump down peoples throats first thing. Its usually after a confrontation or two that I resort to putting people into place.

Lastly- regards to "being a parent for 35 years" my mil tried to use that one. She birthed my husband and tried to get rid of him for the first 10-12 years of his life. Just because you "raised" a child doesn't mean you are right. If there was one correct way to parent children we would all have manuals by now. The landscape of parenting is always changing and we are always getting more and more data- if my mom who has been parenting for 30 years cant keep up with the times them she doesn't get to take my kids out.

[bennieangel]

@notyourmom - I think it just depends on your family situation. I would never yell at my mom or MIL, but we aren't yellers. I would sternly or without waver state something about my childs safety, but not yell. Just not how I work, or how any of them communicate. My mom hasn't yelled at me since I was a small child, we've always taken space & then discussed however heatedly as needed. My MIL would never & has never yelled at me. I'm not sure she's ever yelled at anything aside from the Packers defense?

All that to say that we convey our expectations about LO's safety without yelling, because that's how it's done in our family. If your family needs yelling to listen & do what you need for your kid...then by all means, yell away