*PgAL/PAIF check in 4/5*

[sophiegrace]

Good morning,



Although we are a smaller group it seems as though we have an unfair amount of us who have not has an easy journey. This weekly thread is to get out your thoughts and release your fears in a safe area. Trigger warnings are not necessary.

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If you are new to this thread and feel comfortable sharing, please include a brief history that the group can reference as we get to know each other.



Please tag me if you want to be added to the check in.



How far along are you?



How are you doing physically?

Mentally?



Any appointments this week?



Any questions, comments, or topics you would like to discuss this week?



QOTW: It's below freezing outside with snow on the ground which has me dreaming of summer, what plans do you have for the warmer months?



tgrimes1980 - PgAl, MMC 10 wks

peanutmuse – PgAL/PAIF, m/c 1/13, 6/13, 9/15, IUI for DS1, TTC 23 cycles for this pg

sophiegrace - PgAl, loss at 25 wks

legitlizard - PgAL, early loss, Crohn's

robinbird - PgAl, MMC 13 wks

danib - PgAL/PAIF, loss at 5.5 wks

shedreamsincolor – PgAL, loss at 16 wks

kleigh – PgAl/PAIF, CP

goldenlove3 – PgAL/PAIF, TTC 31 cycles, one ectopic, Pg after IVF FET #1

calindi – PAIF, 22 cycles + Follistim IUI #3 for TTC #1, 11 cycles + Follistim TI for TTC #2

hangry – PgAL, loss at 8 wks

artmusiclife – PgAL/PAIF – TTC since S12, early loss N12, 5 IUIs, IFV w/ICSI &PGS, F16 FET resulting in this BFP

@sarahwithanh – PgAL/PAIF - TTC Aug14, MMC 12

opheliainwaders – PgAL – 2 losses both around 12 weeks

vinolove - PgAL, loss at 6 weeks

[peanutmuse]

How far along are you? 8ish weeks



How are you doing physically? I am getting over being extremely sick for 10 days. That (plus the move) are the reasons I've been absent for a bit.


Mentally? Doing ok, at the moment.



Any appointments this week? I had an ultrasound and appt with my OB yesterday for monitoring the ectopic, and my normal initial prenatal visit is today. It feels weird to do that, since I've already had 3 ultrasounds and 3 dr appts, but whatever. It also feels normal-ish.



Any questions, comments, or topics you would like to discuss this week? My OB told me that we have to make a decision about whether or not to have surgery in the next 2-3 weeks. It's really hard to say right now what the best choice is. So far, it hasn't ruptured, which is a good sign that it might just dissolve. But it has grown a little bit since last week, which is not a good sign. Not having surgery would be best if possible, because my OB is fairly certain I will lose a tube and ovary if I have the surgery while pregnant. (They have to do it differently, since they can't go through the uterus, and then pregnant women tend to bleed more, so often they just need to finish quickly by removing everything to prevent hemorrhaging.) It's still a lot to process.



QOTW: It's below freezing outside with snow on the ground which has me dreaming of summer, what plans do you have for the warmer months? I can't think of anything earth shattering, other than the normal hanging out outside, swimming, and a bit of traveling.

[calindi]

Hi all, thanks for the check in sophiegrace - can you update my info to 22 cycles + Follistim IUI #3 for TTC #1 and 11 cycles + Follistim TI for TTC #2.

We are hanging in there after a very illness ridden weekend in our house. I ended up in the ER on Saturday for IV fluids since I couldn't keep anything down. While there, they discovered a UTI, so now on antibiotics for that also and my whole GI system is just pissed off at me at the moment.

Yesterday was our first ultrasound and very last appointment with the RE. One healthy looking bean measuring right on track. It was surreal in many ways. It's hard to wrap my head around the idea of never having to TTC again, of never really knowing why we couldn't conceive without medical help. I am obviously relieved but there's this part of me who had been fighting to get pregnant for so long, and I am not sure entirely who I am without being infertile. It's going to be an interesting process relearning how to be normal, I guess. Not that you're ever the same again after all this - newlyweds with April Fools jokes of pregnancy sticks still make me want to stab people.

[kleigh]

danib Remind me, is this your first U/S with this one? I know it's hard not to symptom spot but even with two cooking I have very few, very minor symptoms that come and go (mostly go) and aside from bloating I'd never know I was pregnant.

calindi This is where I'm at with the residual IF grief. Me/MH struggled for 4 years with IF. Our friends R & A struggled for about a year and a half and then had success on their first IUI cycle (she delivered last month). Now our mutual newly married friends T & E are having difficulties and in the testing stage. We all got together for dinner Friday night. They all know we were in treatment and in fact I referred T/E to my RE, so I knew it'd come up as far as where we stand. Well Friday morning I was at REs office getting vitamins and ran into E in the waiting room. We were texting after that and I ended up telling her that I am pregnant. I wanted to give her the space to feel her feelings privately. When R/A found out they were pregnant they made this huge grandiose announcement while we were all out one night. I congratulated her and then spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom crying. It's like she forgot so quickly what it was like to be IF. I vow never to be that person. And for me, the emotions just didn't just go away when I got pregnant. Like YAAAY I'm pregnant and the past four years emotional toll is now gone - no, it doesn't work like that.


How far along are you? 8w1d

How are you doing physically? mentally? I'm doing well! I still don't think I've fully grasped being pregnant bc I feel mostly the same but I take out the ultrasound pics when I need a reminder.

Any appts this week? Last week u/s looked great (21.5mm, 162 hr and 23.5mm, 167 hr). My last RE u/s is Friday and first OB intake is Monday.

Any Q/C/T this week? Nah not today :-)

QOTW: What plans do you have for the summer months? i am a summer girl so lots!! Maybe a few beach days (can I do that while pg? assuming I monitor how warm it is and stay out of the direct sun?), we are throwing an engagement party for my brother and soo to be SIL, having a family reunion barbecue, and hopefully enjoying being in our new house! I really want to take a baby moon but finance wise in freaking out with two instead of one so we'll see.

[calindi]

kleigh - I have battled so hard between wanting to be "normal" and not forgetting the struggle. The guilt about having success when your friends still struggle is real too. It's not an easy path, that's for sure. I will always try to be an IF ally.

[goldenlove3]

How far along are you? 8 weeks, 6 days

How are you doing physically? Pretty good. Just dealing with constant nausea all day.

Mentally? I'm feeling a lot better after my last ultrasound. Baby was measuring right on track. Although it's scary, there's something reassuring about being released from the RE. Like they are confident enough to let me go so hopefully that means things will be fine moving forward.

Any appointments this week? I had a nurse intake yesterday at the hospital. I'm glad she was knowledgeable about IVF enough to just trust my RE's due date. I fudged my LMP just in case though. Honestly I don't remember the date anyway.

Any questions, comments, or topics you would like to discuss this week? Can't think of anything.

QOTW: It's below freezing outside with snow on the ground which has me dreaming of summer, what plans do you have for the warmer months? We built an awesome deck last summer so I'm excited to be able to use it all season. We also plan to start a garden so hurry up nice weather!!

[shedreamsincolor]

How far along are you? 7w5d

How are you doing physically? Blech. Nausea is kind of kicking my ass this week. I went out for lunch with a coworker today and ordered oatmeal because I literally couldn't stomach anything else.

Mentally? Just ready to get some answers to all these questions swirling around in my head tomorrow.

Any appointments this week? Ultrasound tomorrow.

Any questions, comments, or topics you would like to discuss this week?

QOTW: It's below freezing outside with snow on the ground which has me dreaming of summer, what plans do you have for the warmer months? H is a teacher so our summers our generally pretty great. We get a lot of family time and I get way more help with DS. Can't wait for summer!

[artmusiclife]

peanutmuse , so sorry you are faced with such a choice. sending light your way with hopes it dissolves and no surgery will be needed.

calindi , i get where you're coming from. the grief will never be fully gone. our identities are always changing. i don't really like to think of myself as infertile. i think the fact that you're pregnant makes you not infertile! i'm planning to use my knowledge of this struggle to help those in need and teach other people to be more sympathetic. i'm sure you have similar plans.

danib , tgrimes1980 , i'm right there with you in the nausea department! tgrimes1980 , I started looking for a restroom to puke in while at the grocery store too. there are so many disgusting things in there, and i need to make sure to eat before i go so i don't have hunger nausea. I really have to consistently eat all day to keep it at bay.

kleigh , that is awful your friend was so thoughtless after she had spent some time trying. a friend of mine was trying for almost a year (it had been 2.5 for me) and then got pregnant and somehow thought i would want to know everything about her pregnancy with constant updates! i have avoided her, and we live 2 hours away and i haven't met the baby. sad, but not a priority when i was grieving so much. for my friends who are struggling, i plan to announce to them before other people over the phone or in writing when i know they are at home and can process.

people still don't get it, and i think we are all here to help them start to get it! a very close friend who knows EVERYTHING i've been thru and knows i'm pregnant and has been incredibly helpful in many ways STILL couldn't help but get drunk and tell me how fertile she is. she even said she felt bad telling me that (didn't stop her), but she's SO FERTILE. i didn't want to bring up the conflict while she was drinking, so i brushed it off. but I plan to explain to her later that it is the EXACT equivalent of going up to someone who just lost their father and saying, "Ya know i feel bad telling you this, but I still have a dad and he's awesome. He just called me and told me he loves me, and he's super healthy."

vinolove , welcome to the check in.

goldenlove3 i totally already looked up my fake LMP date too!! my real LMP seems SO IRRELEVANT since they held my lining for at least an extra week before the transfer. my fake date is feb 4th.

StephNE , thanks for the shout out!

shedreamsincolor , hope you have lots of answers soon!!

@sarahwithanh, weddings are so expensive, but so fun!  FX the heartbeat looks great on Friday.

How far along are you? 8w6d

How are you doing physically? nauseous, so many food aversions. praying this goes away soon so i can eat more foods! i can't eat a lot at once already. didn't think that would happen til the end of pregnancy. it seems like i need to eat constantly to keep MS at bay. but the funny thing is i'm not sick in the morning at all! spring break ended, so i'm back to work. today i came home and napped for 2 hours.

Mentally? feeling more confident and proud to be 9 weeks tomorrow!

Any appointments this week? we had our last RE u/s tuesday morning and saw the heartbeat. everything looks good. first OB appt. is not til april 24th because they are so busy. stupid kaiser.

QOTW: It's below freezing outside with snow on the ground which has me dreaming of summer, what plans do you have for the warmer months? I live in San Diego, so I'm not too cold anytime. In the summer I plan to finish all the things around the house to get ready for adding a tiny person to the family! We are going to remodel the bathrooms too.

[goldenlove3]

artmusiclife It seems like we're a day apart for everything My fake LMP was 2/3 haha. Also I think we're almost twins! We're finally going to be redoing our bathrooms too. We've been talking about it for literally years!

[calindi]

Looking up a fake LMP makes so much sense! I can't believe I never thought of that. Last pregnancy, I had to explain infertility treatment in detail to a few nurses at my OB who still didn't understand why my LMP was irrelevant to my due date. Ugh!

[goldenlove3]

Apr 7, 2016 6:41:36 GMT -5 calindi said:

Looking up a fake LMP makes so much sense! I can't believe I never thought of that. Last pregnancy, I had to explain infertility treatment in detail to a few nurses at my OB who still didn't understand why my LMP was irrelevant to my due date. Ugh!

It's sad that there isn't better knowledge out there about how a woman's cycle works. 

[calindi]

Apr 7, 2016 7:35:07 GMT -5 goldenlove3 said:

Apr 7, 2016 6:41:36 GMT -5 calindi said:

Looking up a fake LMP makes so much sense! I can't believe I never thought of that. Last pregnancy, I had to explain infertility treatment in detail to a few nurses at my OB who still didn't understand why my LMP was irrelevant to my due date. Ugh!

It's sad that there isn't better knowledge out there about how a woman's cycle works. 

And then the nurse asked the doctor, in front of me during a pelvic exam, if fertility treatment meant I would be a high risk pregnancy. He stumbled on his tongue, sort of answered, "Not necessarily," and then shut up. So I took it upon myself to educate her further cuz knowledge is power and less stigma - that it depends on the cause of infertility, giving examples of different reasons for infertility that would or wouldn't necessarily mean high risk (i.e. Unexplained vs Mullerian defect, for example).

And she goes, "Oh, I figured everyone who was infertile was just old!"

...

Yup. I think she probably got in trouble for that one.

[goldenlove3]

Apr 7, 2016 8:29:28 GMT -5 calindi said:

Apr 7, 2016 7:35:07 GMT -5 goldenlove3 said:

It's sad that there isn't better knowledge out there about how a woman's cycle works. 

And then the nurse asked the doctor, in front of me during a pelvic exam, if fertility treatment meant I would be a high risk pregnancy. He stumbled on his tongue, sort of answered, "Not necessarily," and then shut up. So I took it upon myself to educate her further cuz knowledge is power and less stigma - that it depends on the cause of infertility, giving examples of different reasons for infertility that would or wouldn't necessarily mean high risk (i.e. Unexplained vs Mullerian defect, for example).

And she goes, "Oh, I figured everyone who was infertile was just old!"

...

Yup. I think she probably got in trouble for that one.

OMG are you serious? Yea these nurses definitely need to be educated better on IF. Not cool

[sophiegrace]

calindi and vinolove I have you both updated!

[sophiegrace]

How far along are you? 9+2

How are you doing physically? Nauseous, exhausted, just generally feeling gross

Mentally? I have my good and bad moments. The peaceful after effects of my good US last week didn't last as long as I was hoping. There's this asshole voice in the back of my head reminding me that I had all great ultrasounds last time, until i didn't, and it just plays on repeat. It's starting to really effect my sleep.

Any appointments this week? Not until end of April.

Q/C/T? Not this week.

QOTW: my sister graduates college in May and then we have a wedding back home in June. We would like to do a long weekend trip in July/August, but we'll see.

[artmusiclife]

Apr 7, 2016 6:18:11 GMT -5 goldenlove3 said:

artmusiclife It seems like we're a day apart for everything My fake LMP was 2/3 haha. Also I think we're almost twins! We're finally going to be redoing our bathrooms too. We've been talking about it for literally years!

omg, i always wondered if i had a bizarro twin out there somewhere .  

i cannot stand the idea of bathing my baby in 1961's green bathtub with some strange discoloration around the edges...  i like vintage, but i like clean more.  we sort of have to do both bathrooms at once because we have had some toilet issues, and the pipe under both toilets (and the flooring that covers it) needs to be torn out.  

[artmusiclife]

Apr 7, 2016 8:48:10 GMT -5 vinolove said:

artmusiclife Although I can appreciate your message, and coming from someone who has lost their father, I don't think that comparing deaths is a way to educate someone about IF.

I would be open and tell her that her words are hurtful and seem ignorant, that you are disappointed in her friendship in the lack of understanding and if there is anything you can do to help her understand. If she continues I would either release it to the Universe or back off from the friendship.

I'm sorry that you do not like my analogy, and I'm very very sorry you lost your father.  

I've lost many close loved ones, and I lost a baby.  I also lost 3 and a half years of being a mother plus the miracle and joy of conceiving naturally.  So to me IF feels the SAME as a loss in the family.  People understand how to be sympathetic to someone after a death in the family, but do not realize that IF is a CONSTANT and repetitive loss.  I think my analogy puts things in perspective.  

I mentioned that this friend has been particularly supportive in so many ways.  It is not a back off from the friendship type situation, and I am far from disappointed in her friendship. She is AWESOME.  I've taught her many many things about IF, and I think she will get this too.  

[kleigh]

Apr 8, 2016 0:19:00 GMT -5 artmusiclife said:

Apr 7, 2016 8:48:10 GMT -5 vinolove said:

artmusiclife Although I can appreciate your message, and coming from someone who has lost their father, I don't think that comparing deaths is a way to educate someone about IF.

I would be open and tell her that her words are hurtful and seem ignorant, that you are disappointed in her friendship in the lack of understanding and if there is anything you can do to help her understand. If she continues I would either release it to the Universe or back off from the friendship.

I'm sorry that you do not like my analogy, and I'm very very sorry you lost your father.  

I've lost many close loved ones, and I lost a baby.  I also lost 3 and a half years of being a mother plus the miracle and joy of conceiving naturally.  So to me IF feels the SAME as a loss in the family.  People understand how to be sympathetic to someone after a death in the family, but do not realize that IF is a CONSTANT and repetitive loss.  I think my analogy puts things in perspective.  

I mentioned that this friend has been particularly supportive in so many ways.  It is not a back off from the friendship type situation, and I am far from disappointed in her friendship. She is AWESOME.  I've taught her many many things about IF, and I think she will get this too.  

I know we may all have differing opinions but I support your analogy artmusiclife , I've also (a) lost my father (at 19 years old while away at school), (b) faced infertility for 4 years, and (c) lost an early pregnancy - I would agree that I've felt immense grief with all three and in many ways more so with infertility. It's easier to grasp why people pass away, we all must at some point - even though my fathers was relatively unexpected, and despite the fact that I do still cry and grieve some 15 years later - the amount of sadness, depression, helplessness, and worthlessness that I felt with infertility/PgLoss was a much heavier weight to bear. I blamed myself and wondered relentlessly why I could not GIVE LIFE, like so many others so easily could. It is extremely life altering, grieving for someone you haven't ever even met or been able to conceive and trying to understand and process that.

Edit tag

[kleigh]

Apr 8, 2016 8:48:11 GMT -5 vinolove said:

Ok, I was offering another perspective. KOKO

Respect :-)

[sophiegrace]

Beautiful news @sarahwithanh!! I'm so glad to hear it and even more so because your dr sounds just wonderful.

[artmusiclife]

Apr 8, 2016 8:40:56 GMT -5 kleigh said:

Apr 8, 2016 0:19:00 GMT -5 artmusiclife said:

I'm sorry that you do not like my analogy, and I'm very very sorry you lost your father.  

I've lost many close loved ones, and I lost a baby.  I also lost 3 and a half years of being a mother plus the miracle and joy of conceiving naturally.  So to me IF feels the SAME as a loss in the family.  People understand how to be sympathetic to someone after a death in the family, but do not realize that IF is a CONSTANT and repetitive loss.  I think my analogy puts things in perspective.  

I mentioned that this friend has been particularly supportive in so many ways.  It is not a back off from the friendship type situation, and I am far from disappointed in her friendship. She is AWESOME.  I've taught her many many things about IF, and I think she will get this too.  

I know we may all have differing opinions but I support your analogy artmusiclife , I've also (a) lost my father (at 19 years old while away at school), (b) faced infertility for 4 years, and (c) lost an early pregnancy - I would agree that I've felt immense grief with all three and in many ways more so with infertility. It's easier to grasp why people pass away, we all must at some point - even though my fathers was relatively unexpected, and despite the fact that I do still cry and grieve some 15 years later - the amount of sadness, depression, helplessness, and worthlessness that I felt with infertility/PgLoss was a much heavier weight to bear. I blamed myself and wondered relentlessly why I could not GIVE LIFE, like so many others so easily could. It is extremely life altering, grieving for someone you haven't ever even met or been able to conceive and trying to understand and process that.

Edit tag

This is very well-stated, kleigh.  So sorry you have known so much grief.  So many hugs and prayers that ALL our IF journeys come to a blissful ending in november.  

[artmusiclife]

Apr 8, 2016 17:44:42 GMT -5 @sarahwithanh said:

We saw a heartbeat! I also have really appreciated my doctor these past few weeks. It genuinely feels like he is right there with me. He was my OBGYN for my loss too. He told me to call if I needed extra ultrasounds and immediately responds to concerns. He also calms me down when I come in anxious.

Super happy for you - the heartbeat is so comforting.  and i'm jealous of your OB!