Post by kayladawn91 on Apr 12, 2016 15:10:07 GMT -5
How are you doing? I'm doing okay.
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Not really sure
Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a
Updates/questions: I have my wisdom teeth extraction scheduled for next Thursday. Based on my cycle history, I shouldn't be Oing for a few more weeks so I guess we're back to TTC after these are out. TTA until then just in case my body decides to O early or something.
Debbie downer (a place to vent): I feel like lately the sadness I've been feeling is less about my loss and more about the fact that after 20 months of wanting a baby and trying to get pregnant, I don't have a baby yet. The thought that maybe that pregnancy was our only chance has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. It's so unfair that people IRL keep lapping me and I have to sit and pretend that I'm happy for them when what I'm really feeling is jealousy and anger and hurt.
(((Hugs))) kayladawn91. I'm heartbroken over my loss but equally difficult is my anger at my inability to get pregnant. I'm so sorry. This is all really freaking hard and unfair. I wish I could say something to make this easier for you but I'll send some love instead.
How are you doing? Okay. I got emotional on my way to work reflecting on how this is the week one year ago that all of my hopes and expectations were devastated. One year ago this week I was excited that tomorrow was my 20 week ultrasound and we'd know if we were having a boy or girl. Instead we found out about our loss and the fear of cancer. Instead of going back to school Thursday to tell everyone my good news I went to the hospital to have a D&C. I'm just reflecting a lot and it's emotional but I'm okay. I'm glad to be healed, I'm glad to be cleared to ttc again, I'm glad to be wto.
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC. We said ntnp, but guess who temped this morning? Guess I can't be chill enough to casually go for it.
Diagnosis (if applicable): I have a 1/100 chance of a recurring molar pregnancy.
Updates/questions: nothing really!
Debbie downer (a place to vent): see above.
QOTW: What is your favorite quote? Right now the mantra "stop thinking about what can go wrong and start thinking about what could go right".
Post by moshimoshi on Apr 12, 2016 16:04:25 GMT -5
wannabmama, I'm so sorry. Being in that "in between" phase and having to wait is so hard. Hugs.
pinkcat, I sympathize. I feel like after my loss, I saw pregnant women and babies everywhere and it was hard reminder.
hydrangea1019, I agree. I feel like as terrible as it is to have to be here, it's a great thing to be able to support and help other women with our experiences.
ellabee, So glad you're having a better week! Speaking from experience, sometimes I let my one bad week completely derail trying to be healthy, so it's awesome you're breaking the cycle. Keep up the good work!
irish14, I had some of the same feelings when waiting for AF to return. I wanted a baby so bad, but at the same time, felt like if I did get pregnant again soon, it would be like I was trying to replace the one I lost. Lots of hugs.
icedtea, I hope your body gets back on track soon.
Rama, I'm sorry you're having a rough week. Sending you so many creepy internet hugs.
kayladawn91 I hope your tooth extraction goes smoothly! I have been struggling with the anger and jealousy issues a lot lately. I don't have anything to say to make it easier, but you're not alone.
mosdub I'm so sorry that the anniversary of your appointment hit you so hard, but you seem to have such an awesome attitude about being thankful to be TTC and WTO. I could use a little more of that myself.
How are you doing? Better than last week, so I'll call that a win.
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC
Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A
Updates/questions: We missed FW this cycle, so just waiting for AF.
Debbie downer (a place to vent): One of my friends has a due date that's two weeks later than mine was and every time she posts something or updates me on the pregnancy, I feel so jealous. She is having a gender reveal next week and my first thought was "I would already know the gender of my baby". I am trying to work on just being happy for other people and not relating everything to my loss.
QOTW: What is your favorite quote? I love quotes! Everyone has posted some really good ones. One of my favorites is Albert Camus, "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer."
(((Hugs))) moshimoshi. One of my friends is due the same week I was supposed to be due. It's a real struggle for me to be happy for her and/or hear about the pregnancy. I feel like I can't ever forget how far along I should be. So I get it. I'm so sorry.
Post by wannabmama on Apr 12, 2016 16:33:17 GMT -5
First, thank you all so much for the support. It's helped me get through one of many days that feel extremely long. Second, I want to pass out a ton of hugs to everyone. Seems like a lot of us could use them. pinkcat it's so hard to get over the "could've beens" and we are just bombarded with reminders all the time. hydrangea1019 I have been trying to think of ways to make this process and my experiences into some sort of positive. I think that's so nice that you were able to help someone through your own experience. ellabee trying to be healthy during all of this is such a challenge. I just want ice cream and the couch. It's hard to appreciate my body when it's not cooperating! irish14 I think it's ok to do whatever feels right when the time comes. It's different for different people. I think you'll know when it's time. icedtea apologies if I missed it somewhere else but where are you going on vacation? A vacation sounds so nice right now! Oh wait I just saw...Switzerland!! How fun! I'm definitely jealous of you and pinkcat with Paris! doodler sorry the due date was hard, but I'm glad your moving forward rapidly now with testing and next steps! Good luck and I hope all tests come back great. Wow peaseblossom55 I can't believe it's already IUI time for you (I'm sure it doesn't feel fast to you though, ha) hope all goes well!! daystardreams I have that same fear, I kept it at bay for months but now it's creeping in more and more. And it sucks. I'm so happy to see your hopeful post caer it even raised my spirits! It's nice to have a plan! I'm so sorry Rama sending extra hugs. kayladawn91 being lapped is the worst. I hate feeling like I do but I can't help it. I want to be excited for my friend or my SIL and I can be...but sometimes a much less good feeling rises up when they talk about all their plans for baby. But...good luck getting those wisdom teeth suckers outta there and hope you heal up quick! I love that quote mosdub I wrote it on my "business plan" for my solo practice of I decide to go for it... moshimoshi it's so hard to remove ourselves from our own sadness and be happy for those around us, I know, I'm right there with you.
TTC since July 2014. CP March 2015. IVF #1 March 2016, 5R, 3M, 2F with ICSI. Transferred 2 on day 3. CP. Surprise BFP and then CP August 2016 (prep cycle for IVF). IVF #2: zero eggs retrieved IVF #3: 6R, 5M, 5F, 3 (2 8A and 1 11A) transferred, one "B" graded embryo frozen on day 5. BFP (at home 7dp3dt, confirmed 14dp3dt with 1552 beta) and U/S at 5w5d, 2 sacs and 2 yolks!
Post by daystardreams on Apr 12, 2016 17:22:03 GMT -5
kayladawn91 You described exactly how I feel. I've had three pregnancies, that could have equaled a complete family by now. I wish I could say something more positive for you but I just wanted you to know that I'm right there with you. Currently I only know one woman who has lapped me and although she's perfectly nice, I definitely feel more resentment toward her than I do my other pregnant or new mother acquaintances.
How are you doing? Better this week. Still having random bouts of sadness.
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): officially cleared to TTC this cycle!
Diagnosis (if applicable): CP
Updates/questions: I got the go ahead so we'll see what my body does or doesn't do after my loss.
Debbie downer (a place to vent): still having all the sad feels when I see pregnant women or see pregnancy announcements. I'm assuming that probably won't get much easier?
QOTW: What is your favorite quote? I have so many! One of them is "the best ways to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." I've always love this one too "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I'm out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Describes me to a tee!
Post by peaseblossom55 on Apr 12, 2016 19:08:38 GMT -5
kayladawn91, hugs I think I get more upset sometimes over the IF struggles than Anne.liese too, it sucks and it's an awful combo. Yay for TTC mosdub! moshimoshi, I have a friend who had a baby a week before I was supposed to be due. I had to block her on FB her posts of her boy were too hurtful. ladytiffany24, I'm glad you can TTC again soon.
wannabmama I’m so sorry. I am sorry for the emotional rollercoaster of a bfp followed by confusing and heartbreaking hCG numbers. I hope so hard you are able to get in another round of IVF and that your bench period won’t be long. Sending you so much love.
hydrangea1019 Sorry you are going to have to go OOP. Glad you were able to offer advice to your friend, though I am sorry for her SIL’s loss.
ellabee Glad you are feeling better. It’s hard to get back on the fitness/wellness wagon, but good for you for doing it! I need to do it too.
irish14 I always get most emotional on my 30 minute drive to work. Take the time you need in regards to ttc again. If you have the gut feeling of taking a break, feel free to give that to yourself.
icedtea Enjoy your vacation! Hope you have plenty of fun distractions
doodler Happy early birthday! I’m so glad you’re getting all the tests and hopefully you land in a place where you feel confident to ttc again - whatever the test results show.
peaseblossom55 I hope so hard this IUI works for you. I’m finding myself to be thinking similarly in terms of the universe righting itself. This month marks 1 year from my loss and also the first cycle I’ve been medically cleared to ttc again. I am afraid I’m putting a lot of hope in this cycle only to be let down.
caer So glad you’re feeling hopeful and have a game plan!!! Hopefully of course you won’t need to use the game plan, but good to know there is one
Rama ((hugs)) Hope you are able to get that treatment/cycle lined up so H can come.
kayladawn91 FINALLY A DATE FOR YOUR EXTRACTION! Get those bishes outta there!
moshimoshi I had 2 people in my life due the same month as me. Every time they posted online or I saw them in person I felt like throwing up and sobbing all at the same time. Then I felt horrible because I couldn’t even be around them. I was happy for them but it was such a vivid and real reminder of where I would have been. It’s okay now that some time has passed, but I get it. It’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay for a while. Hang in there
moshimoshi one of my FB friends has a son born the same month as my EDD. She posted the other day about planning his 1st birthday party, looking for a photographer for birthday pics, etc. I felt so extremely jealous and angry that I don't get to do those things because I lost my baby. Her whole pregnancy was hard for me because I kept remembering where I should have been at too. So I totally get it. Hugs.
ladytiffany24 I'm glad you're cleared to TTC. For me, seeing pregnant women and announcements still upsets me over a year after my loss. Unfortunately, that part hasn't gotten easier.
Post by wannabmama on Apr 13, 2016 13:44:17 GMT -5
Holy cow this cycle is a mess. So, I had my betas drawn again (my veins look horrible from all this) and it was 141 so it finally doubled...but of course it's way too low for this stage of the game. So I go back for more blood work on Friday and then u/s Monday. It's just crazy. I've been preparing for the loss for so long it's just crazy when I get news like this. I don't know how to even react.
TTC since July 2014. CP March 2015. IVF #1 March 2016, 5R, 3M, 2F with ICSI. Transferred 2 on day 3. CP. Surprise BFP and then CP August 2016 (prep cycle for IVF). IVF #2: zero eggs retrieved IVF #3: 6R, 5M, 5F, 3 (2 8A and 1 11A) transferred, one "B" graded embryo frozen on day 5. BFP (at home 7dp3dt, confirmed 14dp3dt with 1552 beta) and U/S at 5w5d, 2 sacs and 2 yolks!
Hugs wannabmama. I'm sorry this is taking so long. Did the RE give an opinion as to whether it could still be viable?
The nurse said again that it's unlikely to be viable. But, that you never know. The nurse was sweet and just said, well...not much you can do either way except keep doing what you're doing.
If you look at my first # and today's, disregarding the in between values, they are doubling every 65 hours. They just believe they are so low they should be going up much faster (plus in the beginning it was only 30 and then two days later only 36).
TTC since July 2014. CP March 2015. IVF #1 March 2016, 5R, 3M, 2F with ICSI. Transferred 2 on day 3. CP. Surprise BFP and then CP August 2016 (prep cycle for IVF). IVF #2: zero eggs retrieved IVF #3: 6R, 5M, 5F, 3 (2 8A and 1 11A) transferred, one "B" graded embryo frozen on day 5. BFP (at home 7dp3dt, confirmed 14dp3dt with 1552 beta) and U/S at 5w5d, 2 sacs and 2 yolks!
Hugs wannabmama . I'm sorry this is taking so long. Did the RE give an opinion as to whether it could still be viable?
The nurse said again that it's unlikely to be viable. But, that you never know. The nurse was sweet and just said, well...not much you can do either way except keep doing what you're doing.
If you look at my first # and today's, disregarding the in between values, they are doubling every 65 hours. They just believe they are so low they should be going up much faster (plus in the beginning it was only 30 and then two days later only 36).
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for the best.
Hugs wannabmama. I'm sorry this is taking so long. Did the RE give an opinion as to whether it could still be viable?
The nurse said again that it's unlikely to be viable. But, that you never know. The nurse was sweet and just said, well...not much you can do either way except keep doing what you're doing.
If you look at my first # and today's, disregarding the in between values, they are doubling every 65 hours. They just believe they are so low they should be going up much faster (plus in the beginning it was only 30 and then two days later only 36).
I'm crossing everything that the numbers are a fluke and you've got a nice little bean in there. I know there have been several success stories with low/slow betas.
On the other hand, I'd be cautious of complications. My betas were low and doubled appropriately and I did not have a viable pregnancy. I hope to god you don't fall into this category.
So many hugs coming your way wannabmama. I'm also sending you zen thoughts and hope you're able to find some calm despite the utter frustration of trying to be patient.
wannabmama , I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sending thoughts & prayers your way! pinkcat , I love your quote! My dad told me that exact same thing on my birthday this year when I was complaining about being “old”. irish14 , take all the time you need before jumping back in. You and YH will know when the time is right. doodler , Happy early birthday!! caer , it sounds like you have a good solid plan to work from, that’s good! kayladawn91 , good luck today…I’m glad you’re finally getting those pesky guys out of your mouth! mosdub , sending you so many hugs! ladytiffany24 , congrats on getting the go-ahead for this cycle!
How are you doing? Very not good. I'm kind of falling apart.
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC
Diagnosis (if applicable): MTHFR and unrelated RPL
Updates/questions: Well, the Clomid didn't work. I was SO sure I was pregnant. My 7DPO progresterone level was 47...I was really convinced that this was it. I cannot believe I'm not pregnant...I really cant. I was so sure.
Debbie downer (a place to vent): My crazy has reached a whole new level. I was so sure that I was pregnant, but was getting negative tests, so I literally found a website online that would order blood work and had a blood test done on Tuesday. It was negative. Guys....that is insane. Only crazy people order blood work from Google.
H and I got into a huge argument last night about what our next steps will be. I don't want to take the Clomid again. I'm not responding well to all the hormones, at all. And if we don't sign the adoption contract (and put a downpayment) in the next few days, we're going to lose our chance at adopting with this organization. H doesn't want to do it until we have the cash in hand, and he thinks I should try a few more rounds of Clomid first. By that time, it will be too late.
At some point during our argument last night I was trying to explain to him how all the medicine makes me feel and he said "Oh believe me, I get it. You aren't the same person I married almost a year ago. That girl is gone." I can't get that out of my head today. It's breaking my heart, because he's right. And I don't even remember who that girl is, or how to get her back. As I write this, I feel like maybe we just need to pump the breaks for a bit...I don't know.
If you read all that, you deserve a cookie. Or some wine. Or something.
QOTW: What is your favorite quote? I don't know that I really have a favorite quote, but there's a Bible verse that's been sticking with me lately. "Blessed is she who believes that the Lord will provide for her."- Luke 1:45. I even had it engraved on a Stella & Dot necklace recently.
Post by peaseblossom55 on Apr 14, 2016 9:55:38 GMT -5
akraus2015, I'm so so sorry for everything you are going through. IF and loss can be so heartbreaking. It's hard to know what the rights steps should be, perhaps taking a few months away will help. I found therapy so helpful in dealing with all of the loss/if crap. H doesn't go but it's so helpful for me.
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