Boo friends!

[brachysira]

I know we've talked about this, but making friends is so hard!  I am in a moms' group, but the moms are mostly quite a bit younger.  There is a large subset with 2 year-olds born in the same month who bonded when they all had newborns and these people lead the group.  I have a 3 year-old and was one of the leaders before these people took over and so I am still officially a leader, but no one ever invites me to planning meetings or anything.  That's okay with me because I can still post playdates and don't really want to manage dues or anything, but it kind of sucks that I am so unimportant that no one even considers asking me to do any of the group chores.  Plus, when I do post playdates, they aren't as well attended as others.  I was talking to another mom with older kids in the group and I said that it was hard to do anything too major because people tended to drop out (like if there is a field trip to a zoo 45 minutes away, 20 people will say they're going, but every single person will drop out by the time it is time to go), and she says, "that's why it's better to just plan things privately."  Well, thanks for the tip, but you've never invited me to anything, and I have no friends to invite to things. 

My best "mom" friend recently got a job so I never see her, and she's kind of flakey about getting together in the best of times.  My only local pre-mom friend is moving across the country.  Another friend just had a preemie and is unlikely to be in the area long, but despite this, she's my best bet for playdates right now.  

I knew a couple moms of boys in my DD's preschool class slightly, so I arranged playdates with each of them at our house.  Each came, but it's been a couple months a neither has reciprocated.  I asked one if she was enrolling next year, and told her that since the preschool wasn't in my neighborhood, I really was only going to do it if we knew some people who would be in DD's class, and she was all, I don't know, too busy to think about it, and then she enrolled and had her friend enroll too, and we didn't get a spot.  

I feel like maybe the nature of mom-friendships is just transient since people tend to get jobs or drop in and out of friendships due to baby-having, etc. and many SAHMs are such because their spouses are students, etc. and so they are temporary too, and so you just have to work on it all the time and never have the same friends for long...  And maybe the other set of SAHMs in my area are local and so have friends from school that they see and perhaps have families in the area that form their main socialization...and so are not really available for friendships. 

I just don't know if I should keep doing moms' group stuff which provides daily opportunities for socializing but without many chances to make real friends...is that what I can expect?  Or should I keep searching, going to new groups, asking people I don't know at preschool for playdates, etc.?  What's your experience with trying to make mom friends?  Have you made any "life long friends" or are these more just people to spend time with during the long weekdays, and you expect you'll lose touch when it's no longer easy?

[Deleted]

I wouldn't say I have a ton of friends in my area, but I have one from pre-kids and 2 neighbor friends with kids. I also am friendly but don't hang out with people from swim class and library programs. And have done moms night out or play dates with former coworkers.

I think anything social is good like a group activity in lieu of a close friendship and it can always turn into something more. However if that particular group is not working for you then maybe another group or activity may work better. Groups as well as friend making is a bit like dating. You kind of have to keep trying/ kiss some frogs. I also think it ok to initiate twice if they are interested. They may not be great at initiating but if they always take you up it can work as long as they try sometimes and your more concerned with being social then worrying who started it. It's s hard line to walk so the friendship is not lopsided, but I don't think twice is a problem like for those playmates.

I don't see my mom friends as transient. It might be the area where you live. I have s feeling these will be around a while location wise. I suppose some relationships are transient like one mom only wanted to get together Sunday morning in the summer. When winter came she mentioned not being able to get together due to snow and has made little effort since. I know in a way she was just using us: the playgroup and dropped us because she is doing other things, but it doesn't really bother me because they were a bit odd (the play dates) to start out with. So maybe that's what you mean?

[ashiscute]

My experience with playgroups has been similar to yours. I have been in two groups and I made one good friend in each group. The first group broke apart and I stayed in contact with one mom (we got together once a week for ages) but she moved about an hour away which is just too far of a distance with little kids.

My second group sort of fell apart because we went from meetup to Facebook. Attendance is sketchy at events because people drop out a lot. The one mom I'm close with is Australian and only living in the states for a couple more years which gives me the sads.

I have had a hard time finding good friends as well. DD's preschool situation has made making friends there tough. When DS started school this past September I thought that would help but so far it hasn't. We also don't have any close friends in our neighborhood. Most of my close friends from pre baby days moved away or haven't had kids yet. I don't really have any advice because H and I feel the same way.

[brachysira]

Well, today I went to a moms' group playdate today and all the attendees were moms I had met and felt neutrally about--younger, more fit and made-up, but nice enough. Unfortunately, there were 3 areas to this playdate--basement playroom, porch playroom, and kitchen snacks. My son wanted to play in the basement, and so we did, but most of the moms just were standing around the kitchen. Then someone would come down, realize it was just me, and act all weird and try to get their kid to leave, sometimes noting "well, I just want her to be around a lot of kids at these playdates" or other such things. Not fun. I scheduled a park playdate, and no one signed up. The group has 100 members, so I'm not going to quit, but I'm going to try to do other things when possible. A hiking group I'm in has much better prospective friends (many closer to my age, not dressed up all the time) but many are U. profs, doctors, etc. and so I can't quite imagine they have a lot of time for playdates. I also posted on the preschool page that I wanted to do some park playdates now that it's nice, but no one responded I will try, too, to make friends with the neighbors this year. I'm sure they have written me off for one reason or another because they used to be friendly and now not as much, but with the nicer weather, I'll try more. Their kid is a year older than mine and in recent memory cries and says he wants to go inside whenever he sees my DD...but try try try.

[tincupchalice]

I got really lucky here in that our squadron at this place happens to have a few other spouses my age, with kids my kids age, who share my interests. So, so lucky.

There's a group of moms at storytime who are friendly enough, but clearly hang out outside of storytime and IDK how to get in on that.

Then I just recently found a group of moms who hike with babies, the one or two I've been on have been great, but I'm too pregnant right now to pursue that at the moment.

[Deleted]

Apr 14, 2016 20:19:38 GMT -5 brachysira said:

Well, today I went to a moms' group playdate today and all the attendees were moms I had met and felt neutrally about--younger, more fit and made-up, but nice enough. Unfortunately, there were 3 areas to this playdate--basement playroom, porch playroom, and kitchen snacks. My son wanted to play in the basement, and so we did, but most of the moms just were standing around the kitchen. Then someone would come down, realize it was just me, and act all weird and try to get their kid to leave, sometimes noting "well, I just want her to be around a lot of kids at these playdates" or other such things. Not fun. I scheduled a park playdate, and no one signed up. The group has 100 members, so I'm not going to quit, but I'm going to try to do other things when possible. A hiking group I'm in has much better prospective friends (many closer to my age, not dressed up all the time) but many are U. profs, doctors, etc. and so I can't quite imagine they have a lot of time for playdates. I also posted on the preschool page that I wanted to do some park playdates now that it's nice, but no one responded I will try, too, to make friends with the neighbors this year. I'm sure they have written me off for one reason or another because they used to be friendly and now not as much, but with the nicer weather, I'll try more. Their kid is a year older than mine and in recent memory cries and says he wants to go inside whenever he sees my DD...but try try try.

yeah it sounds like the one playgroup is not a good fit.  Its OK if you want to keep at it since there are 100 members, but I think going into it realizing its not the greatest fit and tailoring it to meet your needs better could be a good approach.  I don't know if I am explaining it very well.  My example was with FB rather than a moms group.  Like I didn't really care for aspects of FB/ social media, so I had to come up with how I was going to use it and make it work for me since I couldn't bring myself to quit all together.  And since doing it, I find it much better- concentrating on those things that interest me etc. 

I wouldn't discount working moms.  One way to get together would be dinner time- have them over for dinner after work and they don't have to clean or cook, or on the weekends. 

And another way could be to not focus so much on play dates per se which I think have some awkwardness sometimes, but on other thinks like you said the hiking group, or getting together 2 whole families together including H's or getting together with H's friends or doing hobbies/ sports/ classes if the kids are old enough, girls nights etc., volunteering, church if religious, so you have a little more variety in your social life then just play dates.

[marbee]

I've been trying out some moms groups and I feel ya...it's hard to make friends. And really most of the friends I do have are still "new" friends because I've met most of them just since having a kid and since all we do is talk about our kids I feel like I don't know them deeply. It's really hard to have deep relationships because of all the things you described. I like to think it'll get easier as the kids get older and demand less of our time...but then probably lots of the SAHM's I know will go back to work at that point. The ladies I know best and feel most connected with are internet friends! My 'ol BMB from TB is still together and there are 6 of us who have gotten really close and we try to meet up 1-2x/year but the benefit of internet friends is they are usually available when you need to rant!

[icequeen]

I'm with marbee, I feel way more connected to y'all online than anyone IRL. I tend to put my relationships with other women third to my kid's relationships and my relationship with MH. I realize this may not be favorable to everyone but it doesn't really bother me. I feel like the main reason I am inclined to be friends with more moms is for my kids' benefits so that they have other kids to socialize with, learn from, and interact appropriately with. If that is my major goal, then I could just as well hang out at the park, community center, library or sign my kids up for preschool, all of which I have done and will continue to do. Sure making mom friends would be nice and the icing on the cake, but it's not necessary for me to meet my objectives regarding my kids who are my primary concern.

I have 3 close friends that I talk to regularly and keep up with on social media. One is pregnant for the first time with twins, and the other two are nowhere close to having kids. I also kind of feel like the moms in my area mainly meet up during classes, story time or the park anyway. Everyone does their own thing so I don't really feel like I'm missing out on much.

[Deleted]

I agree with icequeen, I do still have my own friends, but friends have taken a tumble down the ladder of priorities since having a family. I still really value them and want to hang out with them, but they are much more distant than say high school or college friends at that time. I think having a good family support and friends and a good social life also benefits the kids, but I picked a kids party over going out with my friend's birthday party (no kids) because it was a family activity for everyone, and the kids benefited rather than just me benefiting. I would love more friends, but I also like classes, story time, and the park and don't necessarily see a need to make it more than that unless I also see them somewhere else where we can talk more. With kids running around its hard to have a conversation, so it often doesn't go farther. And I want to spend time with H, and have me time, so I find myself only seeing friends once a week or maybe once every other week.

[younglove316]

I just wanted to revive this thread so that I could vent. My one moms group that I'm in has about 16 of us. We very rarely do anything in large groups anymore but apparently it has become very clique ish lately. I posted on our facebook group about having a playdate at our house and besides one person letting me know she couldn't make it, no one even bothered to answer. Someone else makes a post, and of course people respond to her.

I'm starting to feel like I'm only good enough when certain people are unavailable. Oh well I guess I'll keep the two friends I've made and move on.

[brachysira]

icequeen, that's the story here too! What is wrong with people? You are in a group, so behave like it! I understand that some people are destined to be closer than others, but make new friends and keep the old, damn it.