First post on these boards and I belong here now

[mrsmcgooch]

Hi ladies - I was on thebump off and on for a few years.  I have one sunshine who is 6 years old.  My husband had stage 4 cancer a few years ago that caused us to be ttc #2 on hold.  Once he got the all clear (still cancer free today!) we knew we wanted to start trying again right away.  Unfortunately the chemo left him sterile so our only option was ivf - thankfully we had a nurse who convinced us to freeze him sperm before he started treatments. 

Our first round of IVF resulted in a BFP but I miscarried around 8 weeks.  We had one perfect, genetically healthy embryo left and we did a FET a few months later.  That pregnancy was my beautiful son Raymond who was born sleeping on 10/15/15 at 39 weeks.  Tomorrow is 6 months and I am really struggling today.  My family and friends have been great but no one really gets it they way other women have had a loss do.

[wrenofthesea]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Raymond. Friends and family can be wonderful support but sometimes you do just need to connect with other loss parents. I am glad you found this board but sorry that you are here also. The board can be slow at times but don't hesitate to post when you need to- we are here to support you however we can

[flutterfly88]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I hate to have to welcome you here, but welcome. As wrenofthesea said we are rather slow, but post as you need. I hope you find the support you need here (and congrats on YH being cancer free!)

[iheartbroccoli]

I'm so sorry for your loss, so many hugs.

As others said, I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but I'm glad you found us. This group is very supportive and has helped me when I needed it. Don't hesitate to ask for support, we are here to help you.

Big hugs.

[snowbigdeal]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Raymond is a beautiful name. It must have been such a stab in the gut to have that happen after going through so many other hard things.

Feel free to share as much as you want here. Was your doctor able to identify the cause? Have you done anything to memorialize Raymond? Anything you want to share about what happened or how you are feeling--this board is full of good listeners who can empathize.

[rslh10]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet perfect Raymond. These ladies have helped me more than they will ever know, so please lean on them (and myself now). Anything you would like to share about your son, we would all love to hear. I'm so glad to hear your husband is cancer free. Sending you love and ((hugs)).

[shandorfml2]

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your son Raymond. (((HUGS)) lean on us whenever you need to.

[murrt]

I'm so sorry for the loss of Raymond.

[mrsmcgooch]

Thank you so much ladies. Friday was 6 months and I took the day off and spent it with my mom. I went back to his grave for the first time in a long time. We stopped at the florist near the cemetery and when the woman asked me what I was looking for I just broke into tears. I felt so bad but I honestly couldn't even sob the words out. Eventually with my mokm's help we told her what we were looking for and she made up a nice arrangement for me to leave with him. When i got there I found that someone had left a Celtic cross at Easter time with a little stuffed ducky for him. I was so touched that someone had done that for him. Going to the cemetery has been hard for me. I met with a woman who has lost three children (all different ages 4, 5 and 22) and she told me that if it doesn't bring me comfort to go there then don't. They live on in your hearts and their spirits are in heaven. That has kind of helped with the guilt of not being able to go there.

snowbigdeal - They have not been able to determine a cause. He was perfectly healthy and there were no issues with the placenta. His cord was wrapped around his foot and they think it might have been a cord accident but they have no way of knowing for sure. We elected not to do an autopsy because I couldn't bear the thought of it. I don't think any explanation would give me comforst anyway.

The worst part of all this has been having to explain everything to my 6 year old. He was so excited to become a big brother. I hate that we had to explain death to him in such a real way at such a young age. He has been asking for a sibling for as long as he could speak. We really want to try again but it's a matter of coming up with the funds (we're entirely OOP for IVF) and getting over my fear because if this happened again I really don't know if I could come back from it.

[rslh10]

mrsmcgooch your story sounds similar to mine. **lc mentioned** my son turned 5 after we lost Kenley. He was very excited for her, and he was extremely sad when we lost her. We are entirely OOP for IVF as well. Kenley was conceived by IUI after 2.5 years of trying. She was stillborn at 38+4, four days after Christmas.

I'm so happy that you found a good arrangement for him. I love that someone left those things for him. How incredibly kind.

[iheartbroccoli]

Big hugs mrsmcgooch.

That was very kind of whoever left the cross and ducky. And I agree with not going to the cemetery if it won't comfort you. I avoided the cemetery for the first few months, as I knew it would be too hard for me. Now I go whenever I feel up to it, and if that means I don't go for several more months (or longer) that's ok. It doesn't mean you love Raymond any less, or that you've forgotten about him.

I really go back and forth on if I find knowing comforting or not. My son was born alive, but passed away shortly after birth due to undeveloped lungs. They haven't found a cause for why his lungs didn't develop , and sometimes it's easier because I don't blame myself for what happened (because I feel like if I knew what caused it I should have been able to stop it--even though that's not true and just the grief and guilt talking). But not knowing sometimes drives me crazy because I fear this will happen again. And like you said, I don't know if I can bury two children. In the end, I think both knowing and not knowing would cause heartache for me, and neither would be more or less comforting than the other for me.

I can only imagine how hard it is to have to explain to your older son what happened. So many hugs.

[mrsmcgooch]

rslh10 - Our stories are very similiar. I am so sorry for your loss. I see by your siggy that you're starting IVF soon? good luck with everything. It's such an emotional rollercoaster.

iheartbroccoli - thank you. It really helps to have people who get it. I just noticed that your angel passed on my sunshine's birthday. I am very sorry for your loss.

[peaseblossom55]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard. Sending you so many hugs.

[mrsmcgooch]

Thank you!