Q for those with Snowflakes that won't be transferred

[IFinTN]

If you have snowflakes that will not be transferred to you...how long do you plan to wait to make a decision on their final disposition? 

We plan to donate our embryos. I hate to wait too long but don't want to act rashly either. I'm 37, so I can't imagine we'd TFAS after age 42, so 5 years seems reasonable. Just curious what everyone else is thinking....

[Deleted]

OK so I keep changing my vote. DH and I just made our decision on our frozen embryos from DD1's cycle. Over 2 years but not quite 3. We were going to wait until this LO arrived but then we changed our minds (we made the decision around 28w this pregnancy).

[ProfessorChaos]

I'm not sure how to answer this! We have ten CCS'ed snowflakes left, which is something of a gold mine, I know. I'm 95% positive we'll try for a second pregnancy after this one, probably pretty quickly (summer 2016 has been thrown around) because of age (I'm 37 now). I'm also 95% that would be our last child, but I have two things that would slow my decision down. First, people I have had talked to who have children have vastly different opinions on donating embryos than those who do not--almost universally. I don't know that it's possible for me to predict how I'll feel about our children's full siblings being raised by strangers, until I've had those children for a while. Second, I would want to wait at least a full year after the second kid (assuming that happens) is born, as by that point the snowflakes would definitely be our only hope of a genetic child. It would be awful to get strong urges for a third after giving up that possibility.

I've also been having a lot of thoughts about whether we'd transfer one or two in the future. Watching the complications that seem to arise frequently from twin pregnancies scares the daylights out of me.

Finally, there's always the possibility in the back of my mind that another pregnancy won't be possible or advisable after this one. For example, that Rhogam shot isn't 100% effective. If I end up sensitized after this birth, I will not try to carry my own child again.

ETA: Another thing I think about a lot is that it took four of those CCSed embryo to bring us this singleton pregnancy--one failed fresh transfer, one lost to thaw, and one that was the vanishing twin. That makes the ten snowflakes seem a lot less bountiful!

[ProfessorChaos]

Feb 5, 2015 13:55:14 GMT -5 @ducky719 said:

OK so I keep changing my vote. DH and I just made our decision on our frozen embryos from DD1's cycle. Over 2 years but not quite 3. We were going to wait until this LO arrived but then we changed our minds (we made the decision around 28w this pregnancy).

Maybe it's my perpetual fog, but I'm not following from this what your decision was. Care to share?

[nomnom]

I'm barely 30 and we have a dozen frosties. Make a football team?

DH and I have lots of time to decide (or run out of frosties, depending on how things go). Just have to pay the annual maintenance fee.

[sewfie2]

We currently have them set to be frozen for a year, at which point we have to decide how to move forware. But, given that we're pretty sure we're one-and-done, we'll probably donate them to research. Initially I wanted to donate them to another couple, but mh isn't comfortable knowing our genetic material would be out in the world like that. But we can pay for another year if we're unsure of what to do when we get to that point.

[viola]

I'm not sure what I'll do with my 2 but I'm giving myself at least 3 years from the time this baby is born to decide. A lot can change in that time. As of right this second I don't want to go through another pregnancy and I'm not even sure I want more than one child. There's also the tough call as to transfer both or one at a time.

I hope if we decide not to use them we can donate them to another couple (which I have no idea how to go about doing) or research.

[daydreamernyc]

I would gladly have another but DH is leaning to no. We will have to see how we feel so I would guess at least 2 years. I'm 36 so can't wait that long to decide.

We also learned that we can do genetic testing of our 5 frosties to avoid the situation I'm in now with my antibodies. That's pretty compelling if we knew we could avoid the worry and risk.

I'm not comfortable donating to another couple which I know is really bad. I wish I was but it would be torturous to know my biological son or daughter could be out there.

[Deleted]

Feb 5, 2015 14:09:41 GMT -5 ProfessorChaos said:

Feb 5, 2015 13:55:14 GMT -5 @ducky719 said:

OK so I keep changing my vote. DH and I just made our decision on our frozen embryos from DD1's cycle. Over 2 years but not quite 3. We were going to wait until this LO arrived but then we changed our minds (we made the decision around 28w this pregnancy).

Maybe it's my perpetual fog, but I'm not following from this what your decision was. Care to share?

Sure...I didn't post our choice originally because I wasn't sure how ladies would feel about it.  Just know that it was the right decision for us.

Initially we were in the "donate to another couple" category.  It all changed after having DD1.  Suddenly I was very conflicted about giving them away to other people.  I felt like the pressures of religion, the boards, other opinions in general of what is "right or wrong" were creeping into my reasoning as to why I HAD to donate them to someone else.  Like I was obligated to do so.  And honestly?  Deep down I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of someone else potentially having my child.  I realized this was selfish thinking but for once in my life I let myself be selfish about it.  I expressed my feelings to DH and told him he had a few days to think over my feelings and let me know if he disagreed (I didn't want him to feel bulldozed in the decision), he came back and told me he fully supported how I was feeling even if it wasn't his initial choice and we decided to have the remaining embryos destroyed.

It was the hardest decision I have made ever.  I tormented myself over it for the longest time and was absolutely miserable. Would God judge me? Would my friends judge me (the ones who knew about our struggles/frosties)? In the end I realized that I just wouldn't be comfortable with someone else potentially having my child. And once I made the decision I was fully at peace. I still am.

So there is your long-winded response, @pbgle.  Sorry you asked? 

Oh, and donate to science is no longer an option with my clinic.  It was when we started out in our journey and now it is not.

[runawaylaurel]

I only have 1 frostie, and it'll almost definitely be used for a second pregnancy- I've been fortunate to have a relatively pleasant time. But we're also toying with the idea of being one and done, and honestly I have no idea how I'll feel about this after I have an outside baby.

I answered 1-2 years. Then we'll use or donate to science or to another couple. I read a book recently about surrogacy (not the greatest book, but interesting story, called "The Baby Chase") and it made me think about the other types of infertility that I'm not as familiar with (except via the lovely ladies I've met on here!). I think it would be lovely to donate to another couple but not sure how my husband and I will feel about it when the time comes.

[ProfessorChaos]

@ducky719 - Sorry! I didn't mean to pry. I thought I was just being slow and stupid and failing to understand what you wrote. Turns out I was just being slow and stupid in another way! I think you're echoing what I've heard a lot of other women say about how hard it is to imagine one's child being raised by other people. One thing I really found interesting in the articles about Liz4Paws was how hard it was for her donor and how she had to cut off contact. There really are only three options, max, so if donation doesn't work for you, and science is out, then your choice is the only one that remains. It's a hard choice, but I know other women who have made it, and I can't be sure I won't make the same choice myself when faced with it.

((hugs)) Thank you for sharing. I'm sure this was difficult for you!

[ProfessorChaos]

On a different note, am I the only one who watches the Miracles Waiting website for potential adoptees? I got an account when it was clear we were going to have far more embryos than we could ever use, and I've lurked occasionally ever since.

[IFinTN]

ProfessorChaos I signed up this week on Miracles Waiting just to see what is out there.

@ducky719 certainly no judgment on my part, I *think* we want to donate but it's not a real decision for us yet. After DS gets here, we may very well change our minds as well. Heck, if we had a way to financially support a bunch of kids and my body did not hate being pregnant so much, I'd want all 6 snowflakes to be transferred at some point to me.

[shortstuff]

We will be keeping ours frozen for a total of 6 years. If we transfer anymore it will be in the next couple of years due to my age, but the timeframe we choose was purely a financial decision.

[sunshinedaisies]

Interesting to see this thread...I've thought a lot about this. We don't have an abundance of them - just 2 more, and it took 2 from my original IVF to get and stay pregnant. Part of me worries if we do try for another that I've already got my lucky one out of the four (b/c of my immunological issue, statistically only 1/4 embryos is "ideal" for me to get pregnant). We also didn't have them genetically tested, and I fear the same thing will happen with them as with our first transfer (loss).

I *think* at this point, we plan to try with all of them we have - as we seemed to agree that we will give them all a chance at life. But I am hesitant to say that before I even have this LO b/c I'm scared of "jinxing" it. So we will definitely keep them frozen for now. I don't think we've set a time limit.

@ducky719, don't feel bad at all about your decision. I think those who can donate are amazingly selfish, but I am not sure it's something I could ever do either. I'm lucky that I don't think I'll have to make that decision.


Another question that has been floating through my mind - since we will never have the option of getting pregnant without help and we'd have to do another FET with meds and stuff, how long do I have to wait if I do want to try again? I wonder b/c I'm sure the meds mean I'd have to be finished with breastfeeding.

[NariaDreaming]

{{{{dirty lurking from 3TIF}}}}

DH and I had this conversation long before we ever started because we didn't want to change our minds in the heat of the moment.

We'll be keeping any frosties we have left over (which isn't looking like many) for 2 years after we finally have an outside baby. At that point we'll be doing a directed donation to one of my good friends who is LGBT and obviously won't be getting pregnant on her own

If we had more frosties than we ended up with, we actually had a short list of people who we would "trust" in raising our children in an open-adoption fashion. I feel like I have a bit of a different perspective on the matter because I am adopted myself (domestic infant, not snowflake), and I've reunited with my biological family in the past few years. I would love for our future children to be able to have that same sibling-ish relationship with their bio siblings.


ETA: If anyone who is on the fence about donating and would like the perspective of someone who "Found" her "people" later in life, I'm an open book about it It's been a good experience for me, I know it can go horribly ass-backwards and wrong though if not handled delicately.

[IFinTN]

NariaDreaming you know what bothers me these days? I have met so many ladies on here that I would love to donate to RIGHT NOW!

But I want to wait until I know we are done having our own babies first...so it will be at least 5 years. I truly hope all those women I would consider an honor to donate to now have already found success in those 5 years.

[ProfessorChaos]

Feb 7, 2015 9:14:55 GMT -5 IFinTN said:

NariaDreaming you know what bothers me these days? I have met so many ladies on here that I would love to donate to RIGHT NOW!

But I want to wait until I know we are done having our own babies first...so it will be at least 5 years. I truly hope all those women I would consider an honor to donate to now have already found success in those 5 years.

YES!!! I have a friend who's trying to decide if donor eggs make sense, and I'm biting my tongue every time I talk to her. I keep reminding myself that she's probably ill-designed to carry one of our babies, too, as she's probably 4'11" and 90 lbs soaking wet, whereas I'm 5'6", I was a 9 lb baby, and DH is 6'4".

[harperandco]

We made our decision before IVF #1. If we have any frosties remaining after our FET next year (currently have 4), we will be donating. Preferably to someone we know.

[daydreamernyc]

Feb 6, 2015 11:39:16 GMT -5 sunshinedaisies said:

Interesting to see this thread...I've thought a lot about this. We don't have an abundance of them - just 2 more, and it took 2 from my original IVF to get and stay pregnant. Part of me worries if we do try for another that I've already got my lucky one out of the four (b/c of my immunological issue, statistically only 1/4 embryos is "ideal" for me to get pregnant). We also didn't have them genetically tested, and I fear the same thing will happen with them as with our first transfer (loss).

I *think* at this point, we plan to try with all of them we have - as we seemed to agree that we will give them all a chance at life. But I am hesitant to say that before I even have this LO b/c I'm scared of "jinxing" it. So we will definitely keep them frozen for now. I don't think we've set a time limit.

@ducky719, don't feel bad at all about your decision. I think those who can donate are amazingly selfish, but I am not sure it's something I could ever do either. I'm lucky that I don't think I'll have to make that decision.


Another question that has been floating through my mind - since we will never have the option of getting pregnant without help and we'd have to do another FET with meds and stuff, how long do I have to wait if I do want to try again? I wonder b/c I'm sure the meds mean I'd have to be finished with breastfeeding.

I was wondering the same thing. If we didn't need help the answer would simply be once you start to ween with breastfeeding and get your period (but some moms can just ween a little, continue to breastfeed and get pregnant again) 

I've thought about it because if we have another, I'd like to start on the early side since I'm old and this process can take a while!  . 

[lo95]

Can I just say that this is, for me, one of the most unfair aspects of infertility and treatment? I am so so grateful to have three snowflakes. At the same time this is such a profound thing to have to consider. I literally have given up trying to predict who DH and I will be in five years and what we'll do. I never saw infertility coming and the experience has shaped me in such a way that I sometimes wonder who I am and who I'll be from now on. But even having to consider this is just one of those things that has kept me awake more than once.

[Deleted]

We were initially devastated that we had no snowflakes at all, especially after a DE cycle, but since the first cycle was, thank god, successful, I'm now relieved. This is such a difficult decision, one we didn't necessarily agree on when we talked about hypotheticals, and there is not one right answer. I admire the strength and thoughtfulness of each of you who have to make this decision at some point.

[runcici]

I have no clue what we will do... transfer them all?!?! We will definitely keep them in storage for however long it takes us to figure out what to do. Right now, I can't even wrap my head around the fact that one decided to stick around this long in my ute!